Hi Alexis

There’s a 17 year age gap with my wife and me, and I’m sure she struggled with that too early on (we’ve been married almost 15 years now). With his son, bear in mind at age 16, everything in the world can be frustrating. I have a 13-year-old daughter, but I also remember being 16. My relationship with my mom was never worse than it was then. He’s not only dealing with the fact that you’re closer to his age than his Dad’s, but also the loss of his mom and dad’s relationship. Even if their relationship wasn’t great and needed to end, it’s still a huge loss to kids. And you’re being there in the house sort of symbolizes the end of that, even if you had nothing to do with their breakup.

Also, I would suggest trying not to take the son’s actions personally and to just be there and offer support. Don’t try and win the son over with material things. There’s a good chance he’s trying to push you away to see if you stop trying. And if you keep trying, he’ll see that you aren’t going anywhere and will begin to draw closer to you.

With the 49-year-old, you say you’re “embarrassed to be seen out in public”. Is that because of his appearance? If so, I recommend helping him on it without seeming critical; whether it’s going clothes shopping with him, treating him to a great haircut at a salon, etc. If it’s just the age gap, in general, that makes you uncomfortable and you’re worried people might think you’re his daughter, that’s just something you’ll have to work through.

With my wife and me, we didn’t quite have that as the age gap was smaller and I tend to look younger than my age. But we did have to work through our insecurities and learn to not care what others thought. If you are happy, that’s all that will really matter to your friends and family. And if someone doesn’t like it despite your being happy, if I were you, I’d spend less time with that person if I thought I had made my feelings clear.

I hope that helps!

Thanks for being here and keep me posted!

Jeff

Awesome!!!!

I’m so glad to hear that and that it went so well. Thanks for keeping me posted!

Jeff

Hi again,

Thanks for your advice, Jeff. I realized after reading your reply that I hadn’t actually been super clear with him about how I felt and what I wanted. It’s hard for me to be honest and vulnerable with a guy if I don’t how he is going to respond. I kept thinking, maybe I’ve been reading into everything or maybe he’s making excuses because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

But…

A few weeks ago I finally got up the courage to be 100% clear with him and it went way better than I expected. We talked through all of the things that he was feeling hesitant about and at the end of the conversation, he asked if I wanted to give it a try. Of course I said yes, and we’ve been dating ever sense.

I think the fact that he was so hesitant to start anything shows how seriously he takes relationships and that is one thing I love about him. We are learning to embrace what I call my “childish ways” and what he calls his “old man quirks”. He has been such a wonderful and devoted partner and I could not be more pleased with how things are going. As well, he has been so patient in dealing with my family who has had a bit of a hard time swallowing the age gap.

While we know the road ahead of us isn’t easy, we are both really hopeful and excited to see where it takes us. Thanks for your encouragement and advice, Jeff.

Sara

Hi Sara

Well, there’s a 17 year age gap between my wife and (she was 24 when we met and I was 41). So we were fairly close to the age gap between you two. Now, we didn’t discuss age at first. I thought maybe she was late 20 and she probably thought I was late 30’s. It was only later we realized it was 17 years.

It’s noble for him to claim to be worried about preventing you from meeting guys your own age, but when I read that it did make me wonder if that was 100% honest on his part. For me, I think if he’s interested and you’re interested, it really shouldn’t matter that much. You go on more dates and see what kind of common interests you have and see if there’s chemistry between the two of you. Then over time, you get into seeing what kind of goals each of you have and if there is common ground there.

My wife and I shared a great deal in common. We both wanted to start a family (which I hadn’t done previously) and we shared political beliefs and had a lot of common ground on parenting styles and how we viewed the world. In fact, I would honestly say, at least from my point of view, our age difference has never been an issue. Now when I’m 80 and she’s 63, maybe that will change. But honestly, it’s an incentive for me to stay focused on my health and staying in good shape.

If you haven’t been 100% clear with him (guys can be a little dense sometimes), I would start by being 100% crystal clear that you would like to date and have a relationship with him and see where it goes. If you have been totally clear and he’s still got a lot of excuses, then I would take that as he’s not interested but somehow feels like it’s kinder to blame it on the age difference.

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes!

Jeff

Sara A

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

As a husband who is 17 years older than my wife, I can definitely a test that the challenges are different when the two people are similar in age, but I definitely wouldn’t have it any other way and I don’t think my wife would either. We’ve been happily married now for over 12 years!

Thanks for being here, Jeff

Hi Diana

Thanks for commenting. At the time of my response I’m 53 and my wife is about to turn 37; a 16.5 year age difference. In your case the age difference is barely over a decade. It’s also not uncommon for guys to be older in relationships, so my first thought, which admittedly could be totally off base, is that there is some other reason he’s scared to commit. If he’s concerned about ED issues, those will be concerns no matter who his partner is and there are manageable soltutions to that issue too. If it was a 20+ year age difference I could accept him being cautious but an 11 year difference is fairly common.

You mention “seeing him” but also describe him as a friend with benefits, and to me, those are 2 different things. If you’re dating, then the relationship should be progressing and should involve more than just sex and would fairly quickly become exclusive. In the other scenario while you might hang out some platonically you wouldn’t be going on dates and the relationship would mostly be sexual. There would also not likely be any agreement about being exclusive.

I suggest describing exactly what you’re looking for in the relationship, letting him know you’re prepared to be patient about issues relating to aging and see what his response is. Don’t put demands or expectations on him, just clearly and plainly say what you want from the relationship.

If he’s not on board then I would probably end the relationship altogether unless you are able to separate the sexual relationship from your feelings.

Hope that helps. Feel free to chime in with additional info if you think it helps or follow up after you’ve had that conversation.

Thanks

Jeff

– Diana C