Hi Debra

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry he did this to you.

Personally, as a straight man, while I have no issue with homosexuality, engaging in a sex act with another man is just not something I’m even going to consider. So if he has spent decades cheating on you with other men, he’s clearly gay and either in denial, or wants to stay with you because of how it would look to his friends and family to divorce, or if you are the primary breadwinner, he could be lying for financial reasons.

But you deserve so much more than to spend decades with a man who isn’t sexually attracted to you and has repeatedly been with men almost the entirety of your 44 years of marriage.

If I were in your shoes, the only way I would stay is if my spouse came clean with me 100% and we reached an agreement and probably did a lot of therapy together. And of course, if you and he are still having sex, you need to be very careful and I would get tested for sexually transmitted diseases too.

But honestly, at this point if I were you, I would probably just file for divorce as I agree with you; your marriage was a lie and not what you thought it was. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you and didn’t enjoy spending time with you, and it doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person. But he is gay and just doesn’t want to admit it for one reason or another, and that’s terribly unfair to you, and not what you signed up for when you said “I do”.

Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I don’t believe him any more than I suspect you do.

Hi Beverly

I’m sorry you’re potentially in that situation. I do indeed have an article geared towards that called Can a Marriage Survive a Love Child? (Here’s What to Do). Here’s the link to it – https://newmiddleclassdad.com/can-a-marriage-survive-a-love-child/

Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to comment.

Jeff

Thank you

Hi Adri

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Being married only 1 year and already having to deal with things like this is challenging! I’m sorry you’re having to face that.

Dating sites and live porn where there is direct interaction is very different than what most men do which is just look at pictures or watch prerecorded videos. The dating site would be especially concerning as I would assume the intent of those sites (I’ve never been on one) is to meet someone and eventually meet in person. All of that leading to an emotional affair with a co-worker is incredibly concerning as it implies he has some deeply rooted emotional issues he hasn’t dealt with.

I can totally understand not trusting him, so I guess my question would be what is he doing to regain your trust? If I were in his shoes and wanted to save my marriage I would give you all my logins and passwords and allow you to put a lock on the computer that would stay locked when you aren’t at home. I would also hope that he no longer works with the woman he had the connection with. If he does, it’s not unreasonable to me that you ask him to change jobs.

It’s even stranger that he would be seeking so much outside contact if his sex drive is really low, so I wonder if he’s really being honest about that. At any rate, so new into your relationship, and I’m assuming these things weren’t known to you before getting married, I think I would insist on the both of you seeing a good marriage counselor together, but it would probably help him to seek out therapy on his own as well (which could be the same person; some therapists will do both individuals and couples and others won’t).

But with all the damage he did in such a short time, he needs to be working 110% to earn your trust back. If he’s not, I’m not sure it’s worth trying to save the marriage. It would be different if you had kids and/or had been married a long time, but if this is truly who he is, and he isn’t willing to take some serious steps to change, better to find that out now than decades in.

Again, I’m sorry you’re going through that. Feel free to comment back with any updates.

Jeff

Hi Tania

Thanks for the comments. Definitely true that it’s sometimes hard to realize all the steps in the journey that bring relationships to a negative place. Most of the time it’s a small series of negative interactions that form patterns over time rather than 1 huge isolated issue. It also definitely helps to try and remember, when in the throes of conflict, what made you fall in love in the first place.

Thanks for the great insight and thanks for being here.

Jeff