Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can feel like your world is collapsing. The emotional turmoil leaves many couples wondering if healing is even possible after such a betrayal. Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?
Research indicates that relationships fundamentally transform after infidelity, never returning to their previous state. However, approximately 60-75% of couples who pursue counseling after infidelity remain together.
And in the healing journey, couples often develop stronger communication patterns and deeper emotional connections than before the breach of trust occurred.
Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel explains in her book “The State of Affairs” that infidelity doesn’t always mean the end of a relationship. In fact, for some couples, it becomes a turning point for positive change.
In this article, you’ll discover the surprising factors that predict relationship survival after infidelity. We’ll explore why “once a cheater, always a cheater” fails to address the complicated reality many couples face.
Couples who successfully heal don’t just recover – they transform.
The American Psychological Association notes that honest discussions about underlying issues often create unprecedented emotional closeness between partners who previously struggled with communication.
Marriage counseling provides a structured path through this difficult situation, with research showing it helps create a safe space for healing. Though rebuilding requires significant emotional work, many report something unexpected: their relationship ultimately becomes stronger and more authentic than before.
You CAN save your marriage — even after the trust has been damaged.
I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; whether you were the cheater or the one cheated on.
Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse has cheated.
The website Regain by BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.
This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:
“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”
Serious about saving or improving your relationship?
CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.
What counts as cheating in a relationship?
Defining cheating isn’t always straightforward in a romantic relationship. Each couple has unique boundaries and expectations.
Emotional connections can be just as damaging as physical intimacy. But most people would consider any of the following as cheating, outside of sexually cheating:
- Inappropriate texting
- Secret conversations
- Deep emotional bonds with someone outside the relationship
- Talking (critically) about your partner with someone of the same gender
In short, if you are doing or saying something with someone else whom you are attracted to (or could be potentially attracted to), and you are doing that behind your partner’s back, that is cheating.
Discuss these boundaries early. Honest conversations prevent misunderstandings and establish healthy relationship expectations.
I once had a girlfriend who promised to be monogamous (her previous marriage had been open). But I later found out (the hard way) that she had a very different definition of monogamy than I did, and she felt that as long as she wasn’t having sex with anyone else, it was fine.
Physical intimacy isn’t the only form of betrayal. Emotional affairs can create significant turmoil and breach trust just as deeply.
Each relationship requires clear, personal boundaries. Communication and mutual understanding are the first steps toward maintaining trust.
Ultimately, respect and transparency matter most. Protecting your partner’s feelings and maintaining emotional closeness prevents potential betrayals.
Is infidelity a deal-breaker?
Anyone CAN change. That being said, most people aren’t willing to put forth the effort to really change. My late friend who was the head of HR for my former employer, was fond of saying:
“The biggest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.”
But the cheater absolutely can change! But as the person who was cheated on, look at the cheater’s actions following the discovery, not their words.
Both partners must be willing to heal. Understand that the relationship will change, not return to its previous state. Don’t automatically assume the relationship is over. Cheating causes pain, but salvaging the connection remains an option.
Giving a second chance can lead to stronger bonds. Move from a mindset of destruction to one of potential healing.
Stay positive but realistic about the relationship’s future. Pay attention to your true feelings and emotions. Being open about your feelings is crucial. Share your emotions without obsessing over the cheating incident.
Confide in trusted friends or seek professional help. Keeping secrets creates additional emotional pressure.
Don’t try to handle the trauma alone. Cheating’s emotional impact can overwhelm even the strongest person. Healing requires patience, honesty, and mutual effort. Not every relationship survives, but many can grow stronger.
How do you fix a broken relationship after cheating?
Here are the steps that help get things back to normal:
1. Not asking for too many details
Granted, you’ll want to know why the betrayal happened and what led your partner to do that to you, but that will only damage the relationship more.
Most of the time, the betrayed partner thinks that something is wrong with them or that the other person in the cheating is better than they are.
This leads to questions about intimate details.
You should try to avoid that because it will only leave you with vivid images about what went down, and you may not recover from that. It’s still okay to ask questions. Just try to limit them to what you need to know.
2. Avoid trying to get back at your spouse
We all know the saying 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
Don’t cheat on them just because they cheated on you. You’ll end up feeling bad about yourself,f but you’ll also make it harder for reconciliation to happen. A broken relationship isn’t fixed by doing further damage.
You’ll make it harder for them to feel remorseful and will hinder any real progress from taking place. Resisting the urge to cheat after being cheated on is hard, but you should try. It’s the only way to rebuild the trust that one of you has already broken.
3. The cheater must be 100% transparent
As the cheating partner, you have to let your partner see your emails and cell phone.
Give them your passwords, even to your social media accounts. You may feel insecure about that, but it’s important to the person who has been cheated on. They’ll feel reassured that you don’t have anything to hide.
You’ll also be showing them that they can trust you again, and that’s the best way for things to start going back to normal.
4. The cheater has to take 100% responsibility
As the cheater, avoid sharing the blame. Take full responsibility for cheating and understand how your partner feels.
While there are always root issues, those can’t be used as an excuse for the affair. Don’t just focus on the cheating without trying to find out what the root cause of the problem is. But remember roots are not excuses for cheating.
The cheater destroyed the partner’s trust. That has to be dealt with regardless of the reasons behind the cheating.
Nothing can justify cheating. But you have to ensure that you get to the root problems in your relationship to make it a happier one.
How long does it take before a relationship goes back to normal after an affair?
Things can go back to normal, but it won’t happen immediately.
The healing process is very slow, and that’s where most people give up. But if we go by statistics, in a recent Gallup poll between 60-75% of couples surveyed stayed together after an affair.
So the chances of your marriage lasting following an affair are really good.
In a recent article, I compiled an amazing list of all the Infidelity Recovery Statistics. I was really surprised to see the age category that sees the worst chances of staying together after cheating.
Just click the link to read it on my site.
As for how long it takes to get over an affair, a good rule of thumb is about 1 year of recovery for each month of the affair.
Of course, everyone is different, so that’s just a general guide. Also, know that it will get incrementally better over that time too.
In my own marriage, my 2-month affair probably took well over a year to work through.
The healing process took time, but it did gradually get better. Part of the healing process is getting to the root of the problem. The biggest things I did to help us work through the aftermath were:
- I allowed my wife to vent whenever she felt she needed to (this allowed her to feel heard)
- Don’t try to rush the healing (allow it to take as long as necessary)
- Avoid the need to defend yourself when your spouse is venting
- Don’t walk on eggshells around them (just be yourself, but be considerate)
- Go overboard on communicating your whereabouts when not at home or work
Whether you are the unfaithful partner or the one who was cheated on, both people are damaged in the wake of an affair. And usually, the root of the affair is some type of emotional scar in the cheater; from childhood in my case.
If you’re a wife wondering if you can trust your husband after he cheated, check out one of my recent articles. In it, I detail some proven steps to work through to ensure he’s trustworthy, including the 1 sure red flag to look out for.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
Does it matter if the cheater cheated once or multiple times (or with multiple people)?
Cheating, whether a one-time slip or repeated betrayal, deeply impacts relationships. The context matters more than the numbers.
A single mistake might result from poor judgment. Some believe in second chances when genuine remorse is shown.
Multiple instances reveal deeper relationship problems. These patterns can expose commitment issues or personal dissatisfaction.
Personal boundaries and individual tolerance are key. Some view any betrayal as unacceptable, while others consider the reasons behind the actions.
Rebuilding trust requires serious commitment from both partners. The willingness to heal determines the relationship’s survival.
Emotional well-being comes first. Sometimes walking away protects your future.
Does it matter if the cheater came clean about the affair or was found out?
Discovering infidelity can shatter trust in different ways. How the truth comes out matters deeply.
When a partner confesses, it shows potential for healing. Their honesty, though painful, demonstrates guilt and a desire to repair the relationship.
Uncovering an affair independently creates more damage. The shock of discovery can amplify feelings of betrayal.
Lies create deeper emotional wounds. The deceived partner often wonders if the truth would have ever emerged without their investigation.
Open communication becomes critical after infidelity. Both partners must discuss feelings, motivations, and potential paths forward.
Healing requires complete transparency. The initial revelation matters, but mutual commitment determines the relationship’s future.
Some relationships survive this breach of trust. Others cannot recover from such profound betrayal. The path forward depends on genuine effort. Rebuilding requires honesty, empathy, and a shared commitment to healing.
Final thoughts
While the road to recovery after infidelity is challenging, it’s clear that many relationships can not only survive but thrive after this difficult situation. The key lies not in searching for a quick fix, but in committing to the emotional work necessary for genuine healing.
Setting healthy boundaries becomes essential during this process. Both partners must respect each other’s feelings and acknowledge the range of emotions that surface in the aftermath of infidelity.
Marriage counseling provides a structured environment to rebuild your emotional connection. A qualified relationship therapist can guide couples through rebuilding trust, which numerous studies show is more effective than trying to navigate this alone.
Spending quality time together helps reestablish intimacy in new ways. This isn’t about returning to how things were, but rather creating something stronger through honest discussion and understanding.
At the end of the day, whether the relationship continues depends on multiple factors: the basic character style of your partner, both individuals’ capacity for forgiveness, and your shared commitment to addressing underlying issues.
Remember that approximately 60-70 percent of married individuals in the United States stay together after infidelity. While this path isn’t for everyone, many couples find that working through betrayal ultimately leads to a deeper, more authentic romantic relationship than they had in the first place.
You CAN save your marriage — even after the trust has been damaged.
I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; whether you were the cheater or the one cheated on.
Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse has cheated.
The website Regain by BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.
This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:
“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”
Serious about saving or improving your relationship?
CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.
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