Save Your Marriage

Women work hard to build a family, balance family, life, and career and provide for everyone. But in focusing on that, their husband can sometimes feel forgotten and could be looking elsewhere. Here are the signs your husband wants a divorce.

The warning signs your husband wants a divorce:

• He noticeably avoids you
• He stays out with his friends more than usual
• He’s no longer interested in physical intimacy
• He is more secretive about his phone, email, and social media accounts
• The term divorce comes up in his computer search history

Sometimes in trying to do EVERYTHING, we can lose sight of what’s important.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though! You don’t have to accept defeat and the breakup of your marriage and, if you have kids, splitting custody.

In this article, I’ll explain the signs your husband wants a divorce. But more importantly, I’ll show you how to stop it so you can begin fixing your marriage and get back to having a healthy relationship.

Table of Contents:

• 19 Warning Signs Your Husband Wants a Divorce
• Frequently Asked Questions
  • What do I do when my husband wants a divorce?
  • How do I know if my marriage is worth saving?
  • How can I save my marriage when my husband wants out?
• Conclusion

But for now, let’s dive into the …

19 Warning Signs Your Husband Wants a Divorce (What to do)

1. Constant Fighting & Disagreements

It should be no surprise that constant arguing with your husband is a bad sign.

It’s a definite sign that your marriage is in trouble. In fact, it is one of the Top 3 Reasons for Divorce (click to read my article that breaks them down).

Now, don’t worry just because you and your husband fight a few times a week.

Healthy marriages have arguments from time to time. In fact, it’s actually a healthy thing to disagree and work through challenges every now and then. But only if they get resolved and don’t build resentment.

But when these arguments happen every day, that’s when it’s important to take action. These kinds of fights, when they happen often, are definitely a sign of a troubled marriage.

Most of the time, husbands and wives who argue too much but have an otherwise healthy marriage can fix this problem easily.

But, if you and your wife fight too much, argue too often over little things, or show a lack of respect when arguing, then it’s a must to learn how to argue less and more constructively.

Serious about saving or improving your relationship?

CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if your marriage can be saved.

Another more serious sign of an unhealthy marriage is when one or both of you stop trying to resolve things at all. This leads us to the next point….

2. Not caring enough to fix problems

If your husband doesn’t even show enough interest to argue anymore or is indifferent about everything, then that can be one of the warning signs of a larger issue.

With this kind of apathy, your husband has checked out, emotionally. You will begin to question if there will ever be a way for the two of you to fix your marriage.

Obviously, this is not a good thing. So if you’re seeing this as one of the signs your husband wants a divorce the time to act is now.

Marriage counseling or a family therapist can be a great thing.

Wondering if Can Marriage Counseling Help (click to read my article to find out)? I highly recommend taking a moment to check out one of my most shared posts on that topic. In many ways, it’s the best way to get a failing marriage back on track.

3. You have neglected his needs for a long time

We all do things we wish we hadn’t.

But the trick with any mistake is to recognize it, take responsibility for it, learn from it, AND then not repeat it. However, if you have repeatedly nagged your husband, cheated on him, or made him feel like he isn’t important to you, that could easily lead to some of the other signs your husband wants a divorce.

Men are often the quiet and strong silent types. BUT we often have fragile egos and like the attention we got from our wives in the early stages of our relationship.

When that attention falls off or becomes non-existent, it’s lonely and a blow to the ego.

If that sounds familiar, own it, but most importantly, change your behavior so he feels it. Words don’t mean much if it’s not backed up by actions.

Your husband doesn’t need you to be perfect, but he shouldn’t feel like he’s last on your list either. 

4. He’s emotionally distant and disconnected

Another sign is an overall lack of affection or sharing of feelings with you.

Guys are kind of notorious for not sharing their emotions well, but this goes beyond that. If there’s little or no touching, no kissing, and little communication throughout the day or before bed, those are huge red flags.

Overall, this is one of the most obvious signs of a pending divorce. Typically, though, it’s more of a symptom of the issue than the actual problem.

But fixing the core issues in your marriage can definitely help rebuild an emotional connection. When that happens, you’ll see this turn around.

He may never be the guy who constantly shares his feelings and is overly sensitive to your needs, but that may not be who he is in the first place.

If you’re seeing this pattern as well as some of the other signs your husband wants a divorce, now is the time to take action.

Answer a few questions right now to see if marriage counseling is right for you (even if your husband seems indifferent).  

5. He’s extremely critical of everything you do

If everything you say or do immediately results in rude comments, jabs, and other criticisms and put-downs, that could be a clear sign your husband is considering divorce.

In fact, being critical of our spouse is one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen (click to read my post which breaks them down); which marriage expert Dr. John Gottman says are the top predictors of divorce.

Funny, sarcastic comments are one thing, but if every statement is meant to make you feel bad about yourself, there’s clearly a lot of anger and resentment that he’s holding on to.

If you want to fix your unhappy marriage:

• Resist the urge to escalate things or “give it back to him”
• Understand that he’s in pain, and while he’s expressing himself poorly, he really just wants to feel heard
• Look him in the eyes and say, “it sounds like you’re really upset with me. I’d would really like it if we could sit down and talk about this so I can have the opportunity to fix it.”

6. You just have that gut feeling

Women often have what some call women’s intuition.

You can feel the anger and resentment in a room when you’re both there. Perhaps your husband avoids making eye contact. Or maybe he just communicates the bare minimum and then quickly leaves to avoid further communication.

If your women’s intuition is telling you something is wrong, then it probably is.

But like all problems, don’t dwell on the issue or symptoms, and however tempting, don’t just do the same thing in return. Focus your time and energy on fixing things! You’re only 50% of this relationship, but there’s still a lot you can do by staying positive and focused on the end goal.

7. He no longer seems interested in sex

It’s a stereotype, so of course, it’s not completely accurate, but stereotypes are typically rooted in some common behavior pattern.

I’m talking about guys and physical intimacy.

I’m not at all implying that women don’t like it too, but if you look at 100 couples who are married with kids and asked them how much intercourse in the marriage is reasonable, I bet the guys would give you a higher number.

So if your husband seems disinterested in it, that’s one of the obvious signs of other problems in your marriage. And while that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s having an affair, he could eventually end up in one, or at least an emotional affair.

When you’re always fighting and there’s no emotional connection, your sex life is likely going to pay the price.

No matter what, a sexless marriage with a lack of intimacy has a high probability of failure. So if your husband is not interested in it or makes excuses, that’s definitely one of the signs your marriage will end in divorce.

And if the lack of physical intimacy has been coming from you, then you need to figure out why your libido is down and take action.

8. He’s always out with his buddies or otherwise occupied

If your husband is always out with his buddies and spending noticeably less time with you, that is an indicator of a larger problem.

It may be that your husband is unhappy with the current state of your relationship and just need a break from the fighting. But it may also be that he’s starting to prepare mentally for life away from you.

Hopefully, that’s not the case, but it can definitely be one of the signs your husband wants a divorce.

Simply put, if he’s spending less time with you than he has in the past, that can be a clear sign of someone thinking about ending the marriage.

If you’re seeing this symptom or any of the other signs your husband wants a divorce, start taking action now.

9. He’s constantly on his phone

If your husband is constantly on his phone, that could mean one of two things:

• He’s using it as a means of distraction (from you and the problems in the marriage)
• He’s engaging in an emotional affair (or maybe even a physical affair)

Neither situation is great. After all, your issues don’t fix themselves by pretending they aren’t there.

10. He’s secretive about his phone, email & social media accounts

Unfortunately, technology has made extra-marital affairs much easier to start and grow.

It’s simpler than ever to use different apps to find another to cheat with and to communicate with them. Even if it’s just confiding in a female work buddy, when we allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable to another and complain about our spouse to them, the door to an affair can be easily opened.

If he routinely leaves his phone lying around the house, then he’s probably not cheating.

But, if he guards it and his different email and social media accounts and seems paranoid about you seeing them, that could definitely be a sign of an affair and certainly one of the signs your husband wants a divorce.

That is especially true if he didn’t use to act like that. As with most of these signs, we’re wanting to notice a sudden change in behavior.

My soon-to-be ex-wife always used to lay her phone up.

But for the past few months, even though we were going through the divorce process, she’s been laying it face down. I eventually figured out she was having an affair with a friend of hers.

She wouldn’t call it an affair since we were in the process of divorcing.

But who knows how long it was really going on for? After all, she’s known him for 7 years. Plus legally and technically, since are still married, it is cheating.

If you think an affair might be happening or if he’s already admitted it, that doesn’t have to lead to divorce.

My post on how to Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my post on how to do it) walks you through the steps on how to trust him again and how to make your marriage great again; maybe even the best it’s ever been.

11. Divorce or lawyers come up in the search history on your computer

Not all searches are done on a home computer, but usually more detailed research is easier and faster not on a mobile device.

So if you have a home computer that is shared, while I don’t recommend snooping into his email or social media accounts, it’s easy to look at your browser(s) search history.

If you happen to see any topics about a divorce lawyer, that’s clearly one biggest of the signs your husband wants a divorce.

I don’t want you to confront him though. If you want to fix your marriage, use this as an opportunity to calmly address the underlying issues and let him know you’re willing to do whatever you need to fix them.

The searches could have been done in the heat of the moment or to just blow off steam, so letting him know you snooped could just make things worse.

12. He noticeably avoids you

This is easy to see, especially if your husband is always on his phone.

Is he constantly texting others and you are never one of them? No texts throughout the day? No checking in with you? People need a connection with others. They need to feel that energy from another.

If it’s not you meeting that need, then who is meeting it?

Are you seeing this symptom of the other signs your husband wants a divorce? Don’t wait! Now is the time to fix things before it’s too late.

13. He doesn’t even eat his meals with you

If you and your husband are always on the go and live totally separate lives, that’s not a good sign.

If you routinely make plans after work with your girlfriends and/or your husband does the same and there’s no thought even give for what the other is doing, that’s going down a dangerous path.

It IS important that all married couples have interests outside the marriage and spend SOME time apart.

But when your husband spends all or most of his time away from you, that’s clearly one of the signs your husband wants a divorce.

14. You never say “I Love You” to each other

Saying to each other “I love you” throughout the workday and workweek is very healthy behavior.

If you and your husband never or rarely say that, that’s a sign that something is wrong; especially if it used to happen. Even worse is when you say it to him and she doesn’t say it back. If that’s what you’re seeing, now is the time to work on things before it becomes too late.

15. Is he vague or non-committal about future plans?

If you’re discussing summer vacations, a weekend getaway or maybe moving for a job opportunity, that should be an engaging discussion!

But if your husband is vague, refuses to be pinned down, or is not interested that’s a really bad sign.

About 18 years ago, I had the chance to work in New York City. I had a scheduled interview with an old boss who loved working with me. I knew he would most likely offer me the job since we worked really well together, but I didn’t want to go through with the interview without my (then) fiancee’s approval.

When we talked about it, I got a lot of vagueness, hesitation, and excuses why she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. But eventually, she did commit to moving if I got the job.

When I got the job offer, she changed her tune completely and refused to move with me.

I ended up turning the job down (twice because they upped the original offer) only to find out about a month later that she was cheating on me with my best friend’s married brother. She eventually left me for that guy.

16. A recent and dramatic change in his appearance

If your husband has recently started hitting the gym more, buying nicer-looking clothes or otherwise made a noticeable change in his appearance, that could be a bad sign.

After all, if when marriage isn’t working, then these changes clearly aren’t for you.

While these changes could just be to help him feel better about himself (not a bad thing), they could also be for another person or to attract another person.

While you don’t want to be critical of the change (or sarcastic), you also don’t want to make him think he didn’t look good before, so don’t go overboard with compliments either.

Make a point of complimenting him on it and letting him know how attractive you find him.

17. Opening new bank or credit accounts

I’m a firm believer that when you say “I do” you combine everything, including income, bills, and debt. So a bank joint account is definitely what married couples should have.

For me, having “yours and mine” instead of “ours” doesn’t sustain a marriage in the long run. So if he suddenly opens a new bank account or gets a credit card, or if you just notice an unfamiliar bill for those, that could definitely be one of the signs your husband wants a divorce.

18. A sudden interest in the household finances if there was none before

Along those same lines, if you are the primary bill-payer and budget-keeper if your husband suddenly starts asking about savings accounts, debt, credit, etc, that could be a red flag as well, especially if he never seemed to care before.

19. He starts talking about how broke he is or how poorly his business is going

This one is especially true if your husband owns his own business, but it applies even if that’s not the case.

If he suddenly starts talking about how bad his business has gotten or how much debt the business has or anything that implies he’s on shaky financial ground, that could be a red flag.

While it certainly could all be true, he could also be trying to imply that there isn’t much for you to take in the event of a divorce.

Of course, if you did have to go that route, good divorce lawyers will certainly uncover all assets, but it’s still a sure sign he’s preparing to move on.

Frequently Asked Questions

What do I do when my husband wants a divorce?

Here are the best things to do when your husband wants a divorce:

1. Don’t beg -Confidence is attractive and begging will make you seem weak & desperate
2. Focus on being the best version of you possible – Instead of trying to convince him to stay, focus on improving yourself; mentally & physically
3. Be clear if you want to save the relationship – If you don’t want to divorce, make sure he knows that. But don’t pester nag, or argue
4. But give him space to get there on his own – Once you’ve clearly let him know what you want, allow him space to figure out what he really wants
5. Do take ownership & apologize for any wrongdoings – We all make mistakes and every broken marriage involves 2 people who screwed up. Own it, apologize for it, and do so without expectation.
6. Stay calm and civil – Even in the heat of a breakup, getting angry, physical, abusive, or overly critical will only make things worse
7. Suggest marriage counseling – even if just to help the breakup go more smoothly

First, let me make one thing crystal clear: just seeing a couple of the signs your husband wants a divorce doesn’t mean that he’s actively planning to file for divorce.

These are just confirming the trouble in your marriage that you already knew was there.

Seeing a marriage counselor is a fantastic place to start.

A good marriage therapist can help you and your husband fix your communication issues, learn to let go of the anger and resentment you’ve both been holding on to, and put you back on a healthy path.

But anything that gets both of you being intentional and talking about the problems in the marriage in a non-threatening or accusatory way is a great thing.

Can’t afford to go to marriage counseling?

Let me tell you one thing; it’s cheaper & easier than getting divorced! (been there, done that). But I also understand having a small budget and living paycheck to paycheck.

At the very least, I would get the book that helped save my wife and I’s marriage (given to us by our therapist).

It’s called the Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (click to read my review) I referenced above.

In that link, I wrote an in-depth review of the book and how it helped fix my marriage. I bet it can help you with yours too!

We’ll be in the waiting room with the Braverman’s tonight as Zeke goes into surgery. Parenthood starts at 9 on WSFA. pic.twitter.com/XK15subY59

— WSFA 12 News (@wsfa12news) October 10, 2014

How do I know if my marriage is worth saving?

Your marriage is worth saving if you still feel a connection with your spouse and there hasn’t been any abuse. Feeling any emotion, even anger or frustration is telling you there’s still something there. When you no longer feel anything, and you’re just indifferent, it’s probably time to move on.

But if you have kids, your marriage is certainly worth trying to save!

That’s not to say kids will be better off with 2 parents who fight constantly, but a loving 2 parent household produces more well-adjusted kids than a broken home.

That’s not to shame anyone who’s divorced as I’m on my 2nd marriage and am a child of divorce. But it’s just the truth. A recent study by the National Institutes of Health confirms it.

They found that “Children of divorced parents may have lower scores“.

They also noted “Anxiety and depression seem to worsen after the divorce” and girls of divorced parents were “eight times more likely to become pregnant as adolescents”.

Boys too were impacted with “higher rates of sexually transmitted disease when they have experienced divorce in their family.”

So if you and your husband still feel something, that something is something! And it can be nurtured back with time, effort, focus, and ideally marriage counseling.

I’ve written extensively about how I Rekindled My Marriage (click to read my post), and if I can restore my marriage, I know you can too.

So check out my article which walks you step-by-step on how to do it.

How can I save my marriage when my husband wants out?

To save your marriage when your husband wants out, make it clear that you don’t want to give up on the marriage or him. But avoid begging, being clingy, needy, or seeming desperate. You can’t change anyone’s behavior other than your own. But you can remind him of what the marriage was like when it was good.

Focus on being the best version of you that you can be.

Work on improving your physical and emotional health and well-being. Especially if you feel like your behavior in the marriage lately hasn’t been great, you need to show your husband that you can be the same woman he fell in love with and married.

You have to give him hope that things can be like they used to be or better.

So let him see the steps you’re taking to improve yourself. That could include any of the following:

• Seeing a therapist on your own (in addition to couple’s counseling is even better)
• Taking up a healthy physical activity (any form of exercise or sport will naturally improve your attitude and outlook while decreasing stress
• Dress to feel good about yourself (sometimes with life and kids we can all slide into dressing purely for comfort and that’s not always our most attractive look)

Do be cautious to not go overboard on self-improvement as that could be a sign to your husband that you’re doing this for another man. But be the best version of you that you can be.

Even if you can’t save the marriage, you’ll still end up in a better place for yourself.

Final thoughts

Do you have that women’s intuition that things just aren’t right with your marriage? If so, now is the time to take (positive) action before things get worse or before it’s too late.

I won’t lie. This is a difficult time.

In this post, we looked at the 19 signs your husband wants a divorce. We discussed each of them, what to look for, how the symptoms can show up, and what it all means.

Most importantly, though, we talked about small steps you can take to work through these issues.

I’ve been there. I know. My wife and I were talking about getting divorced in 2013. We chose to work through it, and everything gradually got better until 2021 when she went through a mid-life crisis and suddenly wanted out of our marriage.

Marriage is hard enough on its own. But sometimes when 1 spouse starts spending a lot of time alone with someone of the opposite sex, it can create a lot of headaches in their marriage. So, should a married man have female friends?

As a general rule, it is OK for a husband to have female friends. However, they ideally should not be single. Also, their spouse should always be included or invited when meet-ups occur. And the husband should also avoid talking negatively to the friend about his wife.

Clear boundaries, communication & empathy can help all of the individuals navigate the friendship without it causing problems.

But that’s just 1 example.

There are a lot of ways a spouse can opposite-sex friendships (or the same gender if that’s how their attractions align). And, more importantly, there are a lot of things that a spouse can do to really damage the marriage by having a friend they are potentially attracted to.

Even though times are changing, the idea of a married man and woman having close friendships can still be a touchy subject for a lot of couples out there. Indeed, being friends with the opposite sex can sometimes be difficult to navigate with your partner.

But with precautions, awareness, proper boundaries, and good communication, friends of the opposite sex can enrich you and your partner’s lives exponentially. In fact, it would be an absolute shame to dismiss the idea.

A person of the opposite sex can offer perspectives and advice that we can’t get from our partner. They’re key to growing an understanding of how to maintain relationships, needs, expectations, and communication styles of the opposite sex.

You CAN save your marriage — even after the trust has been damaged.

I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; whether you were the cheater or the one cheated on.

Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse has questionable friends.

The website Regain by BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.

This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:

“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”

Serious about saving or improving your relationship?

CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.

Table of Contents:

• Can a married man and woman be just friends?
• Can guys have close female friends?
• Can a man just be friends with a woman he is attracted to?
• How do you know if your husband is in love with another woman?
• When does a man texting another woman cross the line?
• How would you know if your husband was texting another woman inappropriately?
• If my husband is texting another woman is that considered cheating?
• Can an emotional affair turn into love?
• How to talk to your husband about his texting another woman
• Should a married man go out alone with another woman?
• Conclusion

Can a married man and woman be just friends?

Yes, they can.

Let me type that again just to clarify. Heterosexual men and women absolutely can be just friends and have healthy relationships without the thought of a romantic relationship ever entering their minds. At best, this is an issue of trust in your partner vs. protective instincts. In this best case, an honest, open conversation could be enough to ease your mind.

But for the sake of this article, let’s take a look at the worst possibilities. This may be an issue of:

• Ignored red flags
• Miscommunication
• Unclear expectations of your partner
• Unset or no boundaries with your partner

If you’re reading this before marrying your spouse or are still somewhere in the dating phase, and there’s already drama about a platonic relationship with women, then now is the time to iron out these concerns. Let’s start with the first.

It’s the biggest and worst.

Let’s say your man is meeting a female friend very often, going out with her alone, or texting her during the time spent with you. By themselves, even these drastic behaviors could be entirely innocent. This is especially so if your man doesn’t realize this behavior makes you uncomfortable.

But, if you’ve voiced these concerns and nothing changes, that’s red flag city.

A healthy relationship means hearing each other’s worries and finding a compromise. And most of all, it’s following through with promises to change hurtful behavior.

If any man doesn’t try to understand your perspective or empathize with your worries, you may need to ask yourself some hard questions. If you’re feeling like your marriage is in a stalemate, it may be time to get some help.

Marriage counseling has helped my marriage and hundreds of thousands of others. 

And therapy doesn’t mean you’re weak or incapable. It is simply a way for a neutral 3rd party to help you and your spouse figure out how to communicate better.

But if you’ve never done it, you probably have a lot of questions about how marriage counseling works: Cost, insurance, what they do, and how many times you need to go. If that sounds familiar, check out the facts in my recent article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

SHOULD A MARRIED MAN HAVE FEMALE FRIENDS? https://t.co/OoysmucPIH pic.twitter.com/tAx5Nz6evA

— Dr Hillymyboy (@Dr_Hilly_Evens) December 23, 2016

Can guys have close female friends?

Absolutely, yes.

In fact, everyone benefits from a close friendship with opposite sex friends. You can learn so much about relationship issues from the other side. You gain a new perspective from someone who can probably see the situation better than you can. Through platonic friendships, you learn how to communicate in a way that your partner is more likely to understand.

You can even get the bad news that it’s you who’s been the jerk this whole time – information a friend would be willing to share, where a lover may not.

It is more than just absurd to still be asking if cross-sex friendships can still work. It would be stunting your own growth. Besides, all these great things and lessons learned can benefit your man’s romantic partner most of all – you!

 I think some more important questions to think about are:

• What is the nature of your man’s platonic relationships with other women?
• Do he and she keep healthy boundaries?
• Do they have any romantic history together which may compromise their judgment?
• Is she friendly with you?
• Is she single?

Let’s look at each one.

1. The nature of their friendship and how they first met

This could be a good indicator of any foul play.

For example, if their friendship came about from a shared interest, as part of a mutual friend group, or started in childhood, there’s probably not much to worry about.

If their friendship is new, based on some chance meeting, or formed without a logical explanation of why that’s a different story.

Ask questions about the friend to get a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with, a genuine friend or something else.

2. Clear boundaries

Second, when you’re good friends with the opposite sex, there is a certain vigilance you need to maintain.

Feelings can come up unexpectedly. And no matter how in love you are with your partner, if your eyes still work, you can and will notice physical attractiveness.

So, it’s important to make sure that both parties have and respect each other’s boundaries.

Cheating is not only physical, so a keen awareness of self and the friend is essential. Couples should check-in and make sure no one is getting stepped on.

Ask before getting yourself into a potentially problematic situation. 

A simple “Looks like it’s just going to be me and her tomorrow. But, I can cancel if that bothers you.” or “Do you mind if I invite her to our plans, or did we want to keep it just us?

Both are okay with me.” is a good start.

3. Is there a romantic history?

The third concern is whether they have any romantic history.

If there is, that adds another layer of difficulty in maintaining a healthy friendship. The person trying to maintain a friendship with their ex should understand this and act accordingly.

If they get defensive, that’s one more red flag.

Even in the case of deep history, not all hope is lost. For example, while it’s 99% a Facebook friendship, I am still friends with my first ex-wife. We’ve been split up a long time, and there’s no romantic interest there whatsoever.

But we shared over a decade together and that means something to me. But not in a romantic way.

4. Is the female friend friendly with you?

If your husband’s new friend of the opposite gender isn’t friendly to you and doesn’t make an effort to connect with you, that’s a very bad sign.

After all, she is spending time with your husband.

There should be respect for you that comes with that. But, instead, if she makes an effort to be friendly with you and takes the time to get to know you, that’s a much better indicator that there’s nothing to worry about.

If she makes an effort to be your friend too and/or invites you out sometimes too; even better!

5. Is the female friend single?

Make no mistake. Married women and men have affairs all the time.

But a single woman wanting to hang out with a married man just has a few extra red flags compared to a married woman. To be clear, I’m not suggesting a married man can’t be platonic friends with a single woman.

I am suggesting that it warrants greater effort on her part and the part of your husband to ensure they aren’t doing things to create mistrust with you. If, as I mentioned in #4, she also doesn’t make an effort to be friendly with you, or has awkward body language, that’s almost a sure sign her motives aren’t 100% pure.

But if we’re talking about single women, it’s just that much easier for their relationship to turn inappropriate or at least turn into an emotional affair.

That doesn’t, however, mean your husband has impure motives. I can tell you, as I mentioned above, that guys are not usually good at picking up small signals. So even if the woman has intentions on your man, he might be totally clueless.

Can a man just be friends with a woman he is attracted to?

As mentioned, your sense of physical attraction to members of the opposite sex does not magically stop once you commit to someone. But acting on those impulses, must.

The common stereotype is that men are powerless against our “little brain.”

But that’s an excuse for a lack of integrity and low willpower. If your man is genuinely committed and respects you, he will maintain boundaries and guard his heart accordingly.

Besides, the emotional attraction is a more serious threat.

It’s perfectly fine to respect, enjoy the company of, or even admire a person who isn’t your lover. It’s even okay to have rogue thoughts of what they would be like as a partner.

But it’s important for their to be clear boundaries. And for the guy, if he’s attracted to another woman, he should ideally cut her off completely. But at the very least he should not hang out with her just the two of them, especially in the evening and definitely not if alcohol is likely to be involved.

How my wife’s “friend” helped lead to our divorce

My now ex-wife has been friends with a guy for 7 years. And he’s been largely single for a lot of that time.

And for the past 5 years, I did see him as a potential threat. Now in retrospect, I should have simply focused on being a better husband and focused on improving my marriage. If you’re married to a person of integrity, if the marriage is good, they’ll never cross that line.

But here we are now, almost divorced, and guess who she’s in a relationship with? 

And while she claims it had only been going on about 2 months at the time of our divorce, who’s to say if any lines were ever crossed or blurred in the past? The one thing I do know is there was an intimate emotional connection going back a few years.

And as I said above, often it’s the emotional affair that’s more damaging that the physical one.

Bradley Cooper and Scarlett Johansson in He’s Just Not That Into You (2009) pic.twitter.com/X6zcn9iAta

— Frame Found (@framefound) January 14, 2020

How being attracted to a female friend contributed to the end of my relationship

I still recall having a close friend of the opposite sex named Heather.

She was a female co-worker I met in between my 2 marriages (roughly 20 years ago). I was, however, in a committed relationship at the time with a serious girlfriend. To be clear, Heather, who was also living with her boyfriend, and I never did anything I haven’t done with my male friends.

Not even a kiss. I also have no idea if she had any romantic feelings for me whatsoever.

But I was attracted to her on a physical and emotional level. I kept my boundaries in place and told myself as long as I did that, it was OK. In truth, my relationship with my girlfriend did suffer and we eventually split.

We didn’t split because of my emotional connection to Heather, and they were friends too.

But I can see in retrospect that I neglected my girlfriend in wanting to spend time with Heather. While I kept my physical boundaries in place, I should have recognized how my emotional needs were negatively impacting my relationship with my girlfriend.

Eventually, my girlfriend went looking for a connection elsewhere and found it (with my best friend’s married brother). So inappropriate friendships for both of us contributed to the demise of our relationship.

You can get your marriage back on track! I know because I’ve done it myself.

Check out my recent article where I break down every step to take to rekindle and restore a relationship. I’m not even talking about just making it like it was before, but better than it ever was!

Just click that link to read it on my site!

How do you know if your husband is in love with another woman?

While there’s no surefire way to tell, since as many of those probably involve some deception on your part, there are a few signs you can look for.

Unexplained changes in routine are one obvious one.

Especially if they are recurring and habitual in nature. Sudden late nights at work or social events that exclude you specifically are a sign of something fishy. Showering or washing hands as soon as they get home is another classic example.

Some more subtle cues might be: 

• A decrease in sex drive 
• Texting in the early mornings or evenings 
• Keeping the phone locked and nearby at all times
• Turning the phone down on its face when you’re around
• Overall more distant and detached with you 

I mentioned deception above.

Let me be clear. Don’t go down the rabbit hole of doing bad things hoping to catch your spouse doing bad things. 2 wrongs, as they say, don’t make a right.

Hacking into emails, social media stalking, or reading your spouse’s text messages when they are in the shower might give you an answer. But more likely, it will just increase your insecurity and paranoia. If you get caught, especially if they aren’t actually doing anything wrong, now you’re the bad guy.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If they are doing really questionable things, ask them directly. It’s OK to feel suspicious in the face of suspicious behavior.

It’s NOT ok to resort to doing suspicious things yourself.

This is a tricky question that involves intuition and feeling just as much as evidence. But there are some more concrete signs your husband is considering a divorce.

If you think that’s where he might be heading, check out my recent article linked below. I get into all the signs to look for, including the 1 sign that almost assuredly means he’s thinking about divorcing you.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

When does a man texting another woman cross the line?

The question of when a man texting another woman crosses the line can be a complicated one, as every relationship has its own boundaries and expectations.

However, there are some general guidelines that can help determine when this behavior is inappropriate or even harmful to the relationship.

• Secretive behavior. If a man is texting another woman in secret, hiding his phone or messages from his partner, this is a clear sign that he is crossing a line. In a healthy relationship, there should be open and honest communication.
• Frequency and duration of texting. If a man is texting another woman frequently and for long periods of time, this can be a sign that the relationship is becoming more than just a friendship. It’s important to have open communication with your partner about your expectations for texting and other forms of communication with people outside the relationship.
• Flirting or sexual content. If a man is texting another woman with flirtatious or sexual content, this is a clear violation of the boundaries of a committed relationship. This behavior is not only disrespectful to his partner, but it can also be emotionally damaging.
• Lack of respect for the partner. If a man is texting another woman despite his partner’s objections or discomfort, this is a clear indication that he is not respecting the boundaries of the relationship. It’s important for both partners to have their feelings and concerns heard and taken seriously.
• Emotional connection. If a man is texting another woman and developing a strong emotional connection with her, this can be just as harmful to the relationship as physical infidelity. Married men (or women) talking about personal problems with members of the opposite sex, especially talking about marital issues, is totally inappropriate. Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship, if not more so, than physical infidelity.

Ultimately, the decision of what behavior is acceptable in a relationship is up to the individuals involved.

However, it’s important to have open and honest communication about boundaries and expectations in order to avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

#AllAboutThem (2015 – French)
“Husband and wife and their female friend.
Friend is having affair with both of them but seperately”

How cheating turns into threesome.
Watchable.
3.25/5#Movies2blue pic.twitter.com/Ub5Ov0iEWY

— Raj Mohan ☯ (@rajmohan2blue) September 9, 2022

How would you know if your husband was texting another woman inappropriately?

Discovering that your husband is texting another woman inappropriately can be a difficult and painful experience. While every relationship is different, there are some common signs that may indicate that your husband is engaging in inappropriate texting behavior:

• Secrecy. If your husband is being secretive about his phone and his messages, this may be a red flag that he is engaging in inappropriate behavior. He may hide his phone or be reluctant to let you see his messages.
• Excessive texting. If your husband is spending a lot of time texting and seems preoccupied with his phone, this may be a sign that he is engaging in inappropriate behavior. He may also become defensive if you ask him about his texting habits.
• Emotional distance. If your husband is texting another woman inappropriately, he may become emotionally distant from you. He may seem less interested in spending time with you or talking to you, and may become defensive or angry if you ask him about his behavior.
• Changes in behavior or routine. If your husband’s behavior or routine has changed suddenly, this may be a sign that something is going on. For example, he may suddenly start working late or spending more time away from home.
• Flirtatious or sexual content. If your husband is engaging in inappropriate texting behavior, he may send flirtatious or sexual messages to the other woman. He may also use language or emojis that are inappropriate or suggestive.
• Guilty behavior. If your husband is feeling guilty about his behavior, he may become defensive or irritable when you ask him about his phone or his messages. He may also become more affectionate or attentive to try to cover up his behavior.

If you suspect that your husband is engaging in inappropriate texting behavior, it’s important to address the issue directly and honestly.

This may involve having a difficult conversation and setting clear boundaries for what behavior is acceptable in your relationship. If your husband is unwilling to change his behavior or address your concerns, it may be necessary to seek outside help or consider ending the relationship.

If my husband is texting another woman is that considered cheating?

The answer to whether texting another woman is considered cheating or not can be subjective and may depend on the context of the situation and the individuals involved. Some people may view it as a form of emotional infidelity, while others may see it as harmless communication.

However, here are some factors that may determine whether texting another woman is considered cheating:

• Intentions. If the texting is innocent and platonic with no romantic or sexual intentions, it may not be considered cheating. However, if there are flirtatious or suggestive messages, it may be viewed as a form of emotional infidelity.
• Frequency and duration. If the texting is frequent and long-lasting, it may indicate that the person is emotionally invested in the other woman and is engaging in a form of emotional cheating.
• Secrecy. If the texting is done in secret or the person is hiding their phone and messages, it may indicate that they are engaging in inappropriate behavior and may be considered a form of cheating.
• Impact on the relationship. If the texting is causing problems in the relationship or leading to a breakdown in trust, it may be considered a form of cheating regardless of the intentions or frequency.
• Individual boundaries and expectations. What is considered cheating can vary from person to person depending on their personal values and expectations in a relationship. It’s important for individuals to communicate their boundaries and expectations clearly to their partners to avoid misunderstandings and potential cheating.

Ultimately, the definition of cheating may vary from relationship to relationship, and it’s up to the individuals involved to determine what is acceptable behavior in their relationship. However, it’s important to establish clear communication and boundaries to avoid misunderstandings and potential harm to the relationship.

VENUS Vs MARS

Your husband has a very close female friend and they tell each other everything and are very close.

Should you be worried? Can a man and a woman just be friends? pic.twitter.com/b27rRXxOVS

— 91.2 Crooze FM (@912CroozeFM) February 23, 2022

Can an emotional affair turn into love?

An emotional affair is a type of relationship where two people have an intense emotional connection that goes beyond friendship but does not involve physical intimacy. This type of affair can occur between individuals who are in committed relationships with other people and can be just as damaging as a physical affair.

When it comes to whether an emotional affair can turn into love, the answer is complicated and may depend on a variety of factors.

Here are some things to consider:

• The intensity of the emotional connection. Emotional affairs often involve a deep level of emotional intimacy, which can lead to feelings of love. If the emotional connection between the two individuals continues to grow, it’s possible that it could turn into a romantic relationship.
• The individuals’ personal values and boundaries. Some people may view emotional affairs as a form of cheating and be less likely to pursue a romantic relationship as a result. Others may be more open to the possibility of turning an emotional connection into a romantic one.
• The individuals’ current relationships. If both individuals are in committed relationships with other people, pursuing a romantic relationship may be more difficult and may involve the end of the current relationship.
• The individuals’ level of commitment. If both individuals are committed to working on their current relationships or maintaining boundaries with each other, it may be less likely that the emotional affair will turn into love.

It’s important to note that emotional affairs can be just as damaging to a relationship as physical affairs, and individuals who are in committed relationships should be mindful of their emotional connections with others.

While an emotional affair may not always lead to love, it can still cause significant harm to the individuals involved and their partners.

Ultimately, whether an emotional affair turns into love depends on a variety of factors, including the individual’s personal values, boundaries, and level of commitment. It’s important for individuals to communicate openly and honestly with their partners and to be mindful of their emotional connections with others to avoid potential harm to their relationships.

How to talk to your husband about his texting another woman

Discovering that your husband is texting another woman can be a difficult and emotionally charged situation.

While it’s important to address the issue, it’s also important to approach the conversation in a calm and rational manner. Here are some tips on how to talk to your husband about his texting another woman:

• Take some time to process your emotions. Before you have a conversation with your husband, take some time to process your emotions and think about what you want to say. It’s important to approach the conversation calmly and rationally to avoid making the situation worse.
• Start the conversation by expressing your concerns. Begin the conversation by expressing your concerns and letting your husband know how his actions are making you feel. Use “I” statements to avoid placing blame and keep the focus on your feelings.
• Be specific about your concerns. It’s important to be specific about your concerns and the behaviors that are bothering you. For example, you may be uncomfortable with the frequency or content of the texts.
• Listen to your husband’s perspective. Allow your husband to share his perspective and listen to what he has to say. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation to understand each other’s viewpoints.
• Establish boundaries and expectations. Once you have discussed your concerns and perspectives, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and expectations for your relationship. This may involve setting limits on communication with the other woman or seeking counseling to work through the issue.
• Be willing to work on the relationship. If both you and your husband are committed to working on the relationship, it’s important to be open to seeking outside help, such as counseling or therapy, to work through any underlying issues.

Would you allow your wife to have a male best friend?
.
.
.
Would you allow your Husband to have a Female best friend? pic.twitter.com/YZGevvfyM7

— Northern blog (@northern_blog) September 15, 2019

Here are a few examples of the right and wrong things to say:

Example One

“When you (behavior) it makes me feel…”

• What not to say: I hate you seeing her so often. 
• Say this instead: When you see her so often, it makes me feel like you’ve lost interest in me as a romantic partner.

Example Two

“I think (clearly stated expectation) would make me feel …”

• What not to say: You should put some distance between you two.
• Say this instead: I think putting some distance between you two would make me feel more comfortable.

Example Three

“What do you think about (boundary or expectation)?”

• What not to say: Can’t you not hang out with her alone at least?
• Say this instead: What do you think about not hanging out with her alone?

While these sentences are all clear and direct, the first in each example feels like an attack.

This could escalate a civil talk into an argument very quickly. In the third example, framing a request the second way gives the listener a sense of control that opens them up to a dialogue. Asking the first way presents a demand that leads to a reactive, defensive response. Not good for a productive discussion.

Again, if your man does not respect or hear these concerns, it is a major red flag.

That might mean revisiting the issue. If that has failed, it might be time for some hard choices. Don’t let anyone disrespect you or your wishes, intentional or otherwise.

It’s important to remember that having an open and honest conversation with your husband about his texting another woman can be challenging, but it’s essential to address the issue to avoid potential harm to your relationship.

By approaching the conversation calmly and rationally, expressing your concerns, and working together to establish clear boundaries and expectations, you can move forward and work towards a stronger, healthier relationship.

Should a married man go out alone with another woman?

The question of whether a married man should go out alone with another woman is a complicated one.

Some people follow the “Billy Graham Rule,” which states that a married man should avoid being alone with a woman who is not his wife to avoid any potential temptation or appearances of impropriety.

Others may feel that it is acceptable to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex, as long as they have no romantic or sexual intentions.

However, regardless of personal beliefs or cultural norms, it’s important to consider the potential impact on one’s marriage and spouse when spending time alone with another woman. Even if there is no intent to engage in romantic relationships, it can still create feelings of jealousy, mistrust, and insecurity in a spouse.

While some situations may be deemed acceptable, such as a work-related meeting or a group outing, an evening get-together for dinner or drinks just the two of them is generally inappropriate unless spouses are welcome as well.

This is particularly true if the relationship with the other woman is relatively new or if there have been any previous romantic or sexual feelings involved. In these cases, it’s important to prioritize the feelings and well-being of one’s spouse and avoid any situation that could be interpreted as a breach of trust or commitment.

Ultimately, the decision to spend time alone with attractive women as a married man should be made carefully and with consideration for the potential impact on one’s marriage and spouse. And most definitely don’t look for emotional support from same-sex friendships.

It’s important to communicate openly and honestly with one’s spouse about any plans to spend time with someone of the opposite sex and to establish clear boundaries and expectations to avoid any misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

By prioritizing trust and commitment in one’s marriage, couples can work towards a strong and healthy relationship built on mutual respect and understanding.

Final thoughts

I hope this article allays some typical fears and instills some confidence that a married person having healthy friendships with people of the opposite sex is not only okay but recommended!

Just remember that above all, good communication is the foundation of a successful marriage or relationship.

If your expectations and needs are expressed clearly, your partner monitors his feelings and maintains healthy boundaries, there should be nothing at all to worry about.

But, if your partner fails to respect your feelings or is unwilling to compromise his female friendships, there is something wrong. It’s not OK to ask your man to be a prisoner and never spend time away from you or work.

I ended my first marriage for that (and other) reason. But you should also be the #1 woman in his life and come before all others.

Respect yourself and don’t ever tolerate emotional neglect or abuse.

You CAN save your marriage — even after the trust has been damaged.

I’ve been in your shoes. You want to stop hurting. And you desperately want to restore trust, mutual acceptance, and respect to your marriage; whether you were the cheater or the one cheated on.

Luckily, all hope is NOT lost, and there is something you can do, even if your spouse has questionable friends.

The website Regain by BetterHelp offers licensed therapists who specialize in couples counseling and will work directly with you and your spouse online; anytime and from anywhere.

This quote from Brenda R. perfectly sums up the quality work Regain does:

“I was apprehensive about having a male couple’s counselor at first, but he has been amazing. We were close to ending our relationship but over time we’ve worked on our foundation and also expanding our communication. We would not be together if it weren’t for the direction from Tom (and the work we’ve done as well).”

Serious about saving or improving your relationship?

CLICK HERE to answer a short quiz and see if Regain is right for you.

Have you ever felt like something is off in your marriage? Maybe your once warm and affectionate husband now seems aloof and distant? If that’s what you’re seeing, it’s common to wonder does my husband still love me?

A husband who still loves his wife is still physically affectionate, attentive, communicative, makes eye contact with her, is passionate about her, is not rude or condescending when arguing, takes an active interest in her life and friends, and still makes sex a priority.

But that’s just the beginning of how to know your husband’s true intentions. And there are 13 signs in total you should be on the lookout for. So let’s keep going and look at each one.

Does your husband not include you in plans? Or maybe your husband feels like less of a lover and more like a roommate. In times like these, it’s often a compulsory reaction to think of the worst.

What’s wrong here? How did things come to this? Does my husband even still love me?

Before jumping to any conclusions, know that it’s often not the worst. A lot of times, relationship problems can be solved easily enough.

So, in this article, we’ll check out 45 proven signs that your husband still loves you. Most of these signs are in the little details and are pretty specific.

45 signs your husband still loves you

Read on to learn more about some proven ways to spot love as an action.

Of course,  if a man actually did all 45 of these things, he would be superman. So don’t hold him to an impossibly high standard or think he doesn’t love you if he doesn’t hit everything on this list.

Also bear in mind if he’s never done some of these things then maybe that’s just not his style and not a symptom of a problem.

As with most things, look for CHANGES in his behavior from how he used to be.

1. He still likes to touch, hold hands and kiss

Everyone has their own preference for physical displays of affection. But, there’s something about the warmth of your lover’s touch that’s just nice. And that should never fade.

Holding hands, cuddling and kisses don’t need to disappear in marriage. These kinds of sweet displays might cool down a bit after the honeymoon phase of any relationship. There’s nothing strange about that. But if there is a total lack of affection, intimacy, or touch this is a sign something is wrong.

These might not be a big deal to some who dislike public displays of affection.

But these little things are an important signal. It’s one that says, “I still see you as my lover. I still see you as my partner.” This signal of affection should be relayed one way or another on the regular.

2. He puts his phone down when you’re around

It’s hard to resist the allure of too much screen time these days. But how do you know if your man is up to something more nefarious than late-night Candy Crush?

Check out his behavior about his phone when you’re around.

Does he quickly exit the screen he was on if you sneak up behind him? Did he drop and lock the cell phone as soon as you were near? Is his phone placed screen down only when you’re around? These are all signs something’s up.

Calling out the behavior at this point might be for the best before throwing out any damaging accusations. But these are all signs it’s time to keep a closer eye on how and when he’s using his phone.

3. He makes eye contact regularly

In sizing up and connecting with others, people place a lot of weight on eye contact. And for good reason! There are a host of subtle psychological changes that take place when we make eye contact with someone. Through direct eye contact, we are allowing someone a glimpse into our subconscious mind.

Most importantly, we’re showing that we’re open to connecting.

There’s a phrase in German, “wie Luft behandeln”, which means to be seen as air. It’s a feeling of disconnection when someone refuses to look at us. A husband’s purposeful lack of eye contact is a sign of just that – a desire to disconnect.

This is one key feature of an emotionally distant husband.

If you’re seeing that, check out my recent article to know for sure if you’re dealing with emotional disconnection and how to turn that around and not have it destroy your marriage. Just click that link to read it on my site.

Don’t ignore this sign if you see it and ask what’s going on.

4. He still argues passionately (but not rudely)

Every couple has arguments.

A couple that never argues either has some secret that we’ve all yet to find or is one between a pair of incredibly cunning psychopaths. So, arguing by itself isn’t a sign of anything, except maybe that your relationship is totally normal – congratulations! But, you should pay attention to how your husband argues.

Does he respect your feelings and the problems you’ve brought to the argument? Does he ask questions to understand your perspective? Does he offer potential compromises to solve the problem amicably? If so, you’ve found yourself a very healthy arguer.

But what about some bad signs?

Immediately getting on the defensive, indifference to your feelings, or retreating into noncommunicative silence are all terrible ways to handle a disagreement. These might be signs of waning affection if your husband fails to argue productively with you.
In fact, there are 4 behaviors tied to arguing that almost always lead to divorce.

Those are:

• Criticizing
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling (the classic silent treatment)

Learn more about them, why they can destroy your marriage in a recent article. I not only go in-depth, but I give you proven strategies on how to stop them either in yourself or your spouse.

5. He asks for your opinion

When you love someone, they should have a place in both your daily life and your larger vision of the future.

Asking for your lover’s opinion is one way to honor this notion. It’s a statement that says they value your thoughts and how their actions affect you matter. Therefore, your husband asking for your opinion is another proven sign that he loves you.

Small matters like changing a hairstyle, buying new clothes, or switching ice cream brands obviously don’t call for a big counsel with you. But perhaps you’ve felt hurt by plans made without you, impulsive big purchases, or an apparent lack of interest in your input about these issues.

This is behavior that certainly deserves some examination and discussion.

6. You hear from him throughout the day

Staying in contact is critical in any successful marriage.

We often need to work as a team with our partners. This is especially so if children or other family obligations get thrown into the mix. But beyond this, contact serves another very important purpose. It lets you know your partner is thinking of you.

If the only messages or calls you get are exchanging information, that’s great! You’re with a considerate husband who makes sure you’re on the same page.

But better still would be text messages or calls for no reason at all. “Hope you have a nice lunch,” “how’s your day going?” or “Good news! …” messages are all signs of a heart filled with affection for you.

7. He likes spending time with you

It should go without saying this but, make sure you actually enjoy spending time with your partner.

This may seem obvious but there are plenty of couples out there suffering in quiet desperation. We’ve all seen couples with seemingly little in common going through the motions, stifling boredom, and silent resentment. Don’t be that couple.

If your man doesn’t enjoy your interests or hobbies, by extension, they one day won’t like you much either.

And the opposite is true, too. Hopefully, you’ve done the smart thing and made sure you’ve got some common interests before entering into a committed relationship. If not, now is the time to branch out and try something new. Explore your partner’s hobbies, ask them to join yours, or discover something totally different together.

Find ways to make your relationship grow, the sake of your future may depend on it.

In a recent article, I get into how to keep your relationship growing and stop it from getting stale and boring. And if it already has reached that point, I talk about getting out of that rut.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

8. He takes an active interest in your life

He has his friends and you have yours. He does his thing with his friends while you unwind with yours. Nothing wrong with this scenario at all. But, there should be limits to this kind of compartmentalization of your social lives.

Most people’s friends and interests are an integral part of their identity.

To not at least try to meld into each other’s social lives is a misstep at best and planting a seed of catastrophe at worst. Not enjoying each other’s friends is a bad sign. Those people are a reflection of what your partner values and what they can accept.

If your husband makes no attempts to connect with and accept your friends, it is a rejection of one aspect of you. 

Anyone with their sights set to the future with their partner should at least try to be involved with their social life. Not everyone is going to get along perfectly and some people may never become great friends. But just making the attempt and respecting you and your life is a total necessity.

9. You still catch him checking you out

• Light touches throughout the day
• A hand on the small of your back as he reaches for something
• A gaze up from the phone to watch you pass by

All of these should leave you feeling good about yourself. And more importantly, this means you can rest easy knowing this is a sign your partner still loves you and thinks you’re as attractive as ever.

10. Sex is still a priority (and still good)

As couples age, take on new responsibilities and the relationship matures, your life in the bedroom might seem a bit less active than it used to.

How often do couples have sex as they get older?

I break it all down with statistics and hard facts in a recent article. I look at the average frequency in different age ranges as well as the one thing that tends to kill a formerly good sex life.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But a little bit of a slowdown is totally normal. We start relationships in a kind of frenzied state thanks to love’s feel-good chemical release. Eventually, we acclimate to our partners and level back out again to normal, whatever that may be for you.

That said, there are a ton of links between a healthy relationship and a good sex life.

Keep in mind one begets the other and they correlate in both directions. Sex can serve as a bonding tool, a display of affection or even a way to make up after an argument.

Studies show that people who pay attention to their lover’s sexual needs report being more satisfied in the relationship as a whole. Satisfying sex can even help unrelated communication problems.

So, if you’re past the honeymoon stage and your husband still initiates and tries to satisfy you, you’re doing great.

11. He talks about your future together

Most humans are simple creatures.

It seems we tend to think and talk about what concerns us at the present moment. It might be as banal as what’s for dinner, or our latest Netflix bender. But in a strong relationship, some of those thoughts should be about you. A husband who never mentions the future, or fails to include you in those plans is a bad sign.

If he’s not thinking of your shared future, it might mean he’s not thinking of you either.

Mentioning you in his future is one big sign he still loves you. Getting a random text message from our partners and being included in his vision of the future are both indicative of one important fact – he is thinking of you.

Of course, a long stretch without talking about the future isn’t a bad sign by itself. But it could be cause for concern if some of the other boxes on this list are ticked as well.

12. He’s willing to be vulnerable with you

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is essential to build a meaningful connection with someone. It is a leap of faith hoping you will cushion the fall rather than step aside. A brave act for the vulnerable one, certainly.

But it’s also a sign of trust in you. 

Most are not willing to take a chance to reveal themselves to someone who will probably hurt them. So continuing to be vulnerable is a meaningful display of their faith in you. It is a display that you understanding them fully is important to them. It’s an endeavor that takes a lifetime.

If the effort or trust in this fades, it could be a sign he feels unsafe with you or is ready to place that effort elsewhere.

13. He still flirts with you

Playfulness and charm don’t have to fade just because you’ve been together for a long time.

Though flirting loses its role as an indicator of interest in a marriage, it serves another important purpose: making you laugh or feel wanted. If these things are important to your partner, flirting is one great indicator of it .

14. He still spends more time with you than he does going out

Don’t get me wrong. Time apart is crucial for neither spouse to feel smothered or controlled. But the flipside also doesn’t work, where each spouse mostly does their own thing.

So balance is the key.

But a good husband is also like a best friend and will want to spend more time with you than he does anyone else. When he makes more plans with you than anyone else, that’s a clear sign he loves you.

15. He shows you respect

When a spouse falls out of love but is still married, they begin to feel trapped. That is especially true if he’s forged an emotional connection (or a physical one) with someone else.

And when that happens, the wayward spouse can start to feel resentful.

And then it’s all too common for that resentment to turn into anger, disrespect, creating unrealistic expectations to justify their obvious disappointment, and maybe even emotional abuse.

16. He posts pictures of you on his social media

When a spouse has fallen out of love they might fall off of social media altogether.

That’s what my now ex-wife did back in April 2021 when she asked for a divorce. In fact, to this day, he abandoned social media channels still have loads of pictures of us together.

But if your husband is still active on social media and still posting pictures of both of you (or just you), that’s a great sign he still loves you.

17. He’s a fan of public displays of affection

Most couples hold hands as they walk, kiss occasionally, hug, and have other forms of affection that they aren’t afraid of the general public witnessing.

Of course, some people are more reserved than others.

But if he’s always been a fan of public displays of affection, and continues to do that, that’s a great sign that he still loves you.

18. He’s attentive to you

Does he bring you a drink when he makes one for himself?

Maybe he offers to give you a back rub when you complain about being sore? Or maybe he opens doors for you and is otherwise attentive to your every need?

I’m not talking total simp. But I am saying if he’s making an effort to take care of you in a strong masculine way, that’s a great sign he’s totally into you.

19. He surprises you with gifts

Does he surprise you with gifts for no reason?

Or maybe you mentioned something you liked in passing once and he remembered and bought it for you later? If so, those are clear signs he’s thinking about you a lot!

20. He still plans regular date nights

A regular date night for couples is a must to avoid getting into a rut.

Unfortunately, it’s all too common for couples to let those fall by the wayside as careers and kids start to become a bigger priority. So don’t beat yourself up if he’s not planning these regularly. That tends to happen in many long-term relationships.

But for sure if he is still making a consistent effort to plan quality time together and to wine and dine you, that’s a great sign!

21. He’s a good listener

Good listening is an important sign of a good relationship.

Many of us, unfortunately, just wait our turn to talk instead of really hearing our spouse. While they jabber on, we’re just thinking about our response instead of really being present to them and what they are saying.

So if he clearly remembers discussions, and sometimes repeats back things you said, that’s a clear sign he loves you.

22. He takes ownership when he makes a mistake

All of us make mistakes. And when he does, does he try and blame you (or others)? Does he try and justify it? “I’m sorry, but it wouldn’t have happened if . . .”

Or does he take, as Jocko Willink says “extreme ownership”?

Does he take 100% responsibility for his makes, make amends for them, and learn from them so he doesn’t repeat them? If so, you’ve got a keeper!

23. He confides in you

Love works in different ways. And not every husband will communicate in the same ways. But most relationship experts agree that a man who shares his innermost secrets and confides in you regularly is a loving husband.

24. He is accepting of exactly how you are

How many times have we seen couples where one or both married their spouse knowing they behaved one way, but then they desperately tried to change them after they said “I do”?

When you’re in it for the long haul, it’s a very good sign when your husband doesn’t have any expectations of you and simply loves you for exactly who you are.

That doesn’t mean they can’t motivate and inspire you. But if you never changed whatsoever, a good husband’s love should not change.

25. He says “I love you” regularly

Saying “I love you” is one of the most obvious signs of a loving spouse.

It’s not the most important thing. But it is a little sign that they are thinking about you, and care enough about you to not make you wonder how they feel about you.

26. He makes you feel safe

At the risk of gender stereotyping, women like to feel safe, heard, and understood.

And when they don’t that’s when a lack of intimacy can develop and other warning signs of an unhappy marriage start to crop up.

And if the man isn’t in tune with his wife, then he’ll often become grumpy or argumentative with his wife which causes her negative behavior to escalate.

So if your man goes out of his way to make you feel both physically and emotionally safe, he clearly loves you.

27. He has your back

When you have a falling out with a friend is he there to listen to you vent?

Didn’t get that promotion at work and he takes you out to your favorite restaurant? If he has your back through thick and thin, that’s a clear sign he loves you.

28. He remembers birthdays and anniversaries

Now some guys are notorious for forgetting special dates and occasions. And I’m not saying every guy that has ever forgotten their wife’s birthday didn’t love her.

But I am saying that if he always remembers and never fails to surprise you on those days, that is the best way to know he still loves you.

29. He gets you flowers occasionally for no reason

Flowers are one of those things that some husbands only do on birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine’s Dady; obligatory.

But if he’s randomly getting them for you on occasion, the good news is that means he’s thinking about you. And he wouldn’t be thinking of you if he didn’t care.

30. He helps around the house

Gender roles have changed a lot in the last 60 years. But even so, there are still a lot of guys who tend to expect their wife to do the lion’s share of the work around the house; even if she works just as many hours at a traditional job as he does.

Not fair, I know.

So if your husband is all too eager to lend a helping hand around the house, be it laundry, cooking, school lunches, etc, especially on a regular basis, that’s a really good sign that he loves you and values you and your time.

31. He’s thoughtful 

Does he make dinner with your favorite foods? Does he plan date nights at your favorite restaurant? When he goes out of his way to please you and remembers things you like and shows that he’s thinking about them (and you) that’s a great sign!

32. He’s proud of you

There’s nothing quite like knowing that our spouse is proud of us.

As your love story unfolds, does he continually praise you? Does he admire your accomplishments at work or compliment you on hobbies you engage in?

If so, let it go to your head! He loves you!

33. He brags about you to his friends and family

Along those same lines, does he brag about you to his family and friends? Is he frequently complimenting you to others or showing them pictures of things you’ve done?

I’m not talking just your physical appearance but your accomplishments too. If so, have no doubt he still loves you.

34. He’s quick to respond to your texts

There’s nothing worse than a romantic partner who always takes forever to respond to texts.

It makes it hard to hold a flowing conversation, but it also makes us feel low of their priority list. And if the relationship isn’t totally solid, it can also make us wonder what they are up to that is delaying their responses.

But if your man never (or rarely) let’s you down and replies to your texts quickly that’s a great sign. That’s even truer if he also goes to the trouble to explain when there is a delay in replying.

35. You never have to wonder if he misses you

There’s nothing worse in a relationship than constantly wondering where you stand with your spouse. That lack of communication often gets our wheels spinning and creating all sorts of ideas as to why that might be.

Now it’s true that words of affirmation might not be your husband’s love language.

And if so, his not telling you regularly how he feels about you doesn’t indicate a lack of love. But if he never lets you wonder and clearly expresses how much he adores you, that’s a great sign he’s not going anywhere.

36. He sees you as his equal; not his property

In decades past, it wasn’t uncommon for men to see their wives more as something they owned than a true equal partner in the relationship.

These days, unfortunately, that does still happen a little bit.

But now, instead of being driven by customs and sociateal expectations, it’s driven by needy, insecure guys who have childhood abandonment issues they’ve never resolved. And it comes out as controlling behavior.

Now you could still have a caring guy who needs therapy. But if your man clearly sees you as an equal in the household, gets your input on important decisions, values your opinions, and sometimes goes with what you want to do, that’s a great sign.

If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t bother.

37. He makes an effort to get along with your family and friends

Sometimes husbands and boyfriends don’t get along with their wife’s or girlfriend’s friends and family; especially their mom and dad (who can sometimes have very high standards for their “little girl”).

But if (especially against pushback) he still goes out of his way to spend time with your family and friends and makes an effort to get along with them, that’s a great sign!

38. He never puts anyone else before you

True love means that no one, not friends, family, or even his mom come before you. At least not on any regular basis. And if he is regularly putting others before you, that’s a sure warning sign that his priorities are off.

39. He enjoys making you happy

Let’s be honest.

No one can make you happy but you. And even when someone else does something rude or inconsiderate, we still have a choice as to whether or not to let that bother us (I know; easier said than done).

But if your man goes out of his way to do things that he knows bring you joy, that’s a clear sign he loves you!

40. He likes to resolve arguments quickly

All couples argue and disagree.

But a smart man knows he can’t win arguments against his woman. That’s because (at the risk of gender stereotyping), men tend to argue with logic and women argue with emotions.

And even a crystal clear logical argument won’t sway a woman off her emotions because that is literally how she’s feeling in that moment.

So when arguments do come up, a guy who loves you will quickly take ownership of anything he did wrong and listen to how you feel and keep digging until his woman has really told him everything she’s feeling.

And when she’s done getting everything off her chest and truly feels heard and understood, the argument is over.

41. He gets jealous (a little bit)

A little bit of occasional jealousy is not a bad thing.

Now if he’s suspicious of every text you get and wants to know your exact whereabouts every time you go out that is a sure sign that he’s insecure, needy, and controlling.

And only couples therapy can help work through that.

But if he gets playfully jealous when he notices someone checking you out, or when you tell him you got hit on at the grocery store, that’s a great sign he’s still into you.

After all, if the love was gone; he would be indifferent.

42. He never brings up divorce or separation during an argument

There’s nothing worse than a spouse bringing up breaking up every time your argue.

It’s like a veiled threat and really a kind of emotional abuse. All couples argue from time to time, and you and your spouse’s first thought during an argument shouldn’t be breaking up.

If he does, especially more than once, that’s not a great sign.

43. He supports your long-term goals

Do you have a long-term career goal? Maybe it’s to go back to work after being at home with the kids for a few years. Maybe it’s to finish a degree or go beyond a bachelor’s degree? Or maybe it’s to start your own business.

Whatever goals you have for yourself, does he actively support them, champion them, and motivate you to complete them? If so, he’s a keeper!

44. He takes on tasks to make your life easier

Life can get hectic. That’s especially true as we start to advance careers, buy houses, and start a family. And some lesser husbands take an “every man for himself” approach.

So if your guy goes out of his way to do stuff to make your life easier, he clearly loves you. It could be any of the following:

• He cleans the kitchen after you cooked
• He let you sleep in and he made the kid’s lunches
• He picked up dinner on the way home from work so you could relax or go to happy hour with friends
• He put the laundry away that you washed and dried

45. He looks forward to spending time with you (and tells you)

I love the anticipation of spending time with my girlfriend.

She has 3 kids that she raises 99% by herself, and I have 3 kids two of which I have full-custody of. So we have busy lives and can’t get together more than once or twice a week.

So I relish when we do have time together! And I make sure she knows how excited I am for date night.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if my husband really loves me?

In some ways, this is an incredibly complex problem, and in others, it’s the simplest thing in the world. Love is a multi-faceted concept that means any number of things depending on who you ask.

For simplicity’s sake, let’s define love in two measures:

• Love as an action
• Love as a feeling

Love is a feeling. It’s the explosion of chemicals in your brain that is akin to being high. It’s temporary insanity in the best definition of that word. It’s acceptance and euphoria in finding a connection. It’s dreams of your shared future together until the end of days. So in this way, knowing your husband loves you is intuitive and instinctual. When you feel it, you just know.

Love is an action. The throes of passion of a new love can’t last forever. And that’s probably for good reason; nothing would ever get done! But, your husband can choose to show you his love through his actions and behavior.

Love as a feeling is easy; connect with an attractive, like-minded person long enough and it just happens.

Love as an action is the mature, older sibling that knows better. It’s a bit more elusive and harder to maintain. If you’re starting to question whether your husband loves you or not, looking at his behavior and actions are a good place to start.

Most couples can rekindle their marriage with an open ear and a willingness to communicate.

In a recent article, I get into specifically how to rekindle your marriage when the passion has faded. Click that link to read that on my site.

How do you know when your husband doesn’t love you anymore?

Love as an action includes all the thoughtful and considerate things a husband should do for his wife.

Maybe he sends you sweet text messages throughout the day. Or he surprises you with a night off while he watches the kids. Maybe it’s asking about your day and listening with sincere care.

Unlike love as a feeling, all of these things require effort and thought.

It’s an indicator you matter to your husband. It shows that he thinks of you and acts accordingly. When you see these kinds of thoughtful actions fade, it could be a sign something’s wrong.

Are you seeing any of the signs he may be thinking about divorce?

If you’re already past this point, and sensing your husband might be thinking of separation, check out my recent article here about signs your husband wants a divorce. Just click that link to read it on my site.

If you’re reading this because of a feeling something’s off, it can be difficult to identify exactly what it is.

Final thoughts

It’s never easy to ask if your husband (or wife) still loves you.

It’s a frightening thought that someone we’ve grown to rely on might be fading. But getting to this point, recognizing this pattern and choosing to do something about it already puts you far ahead of a lot of partners out there.

Just remember to consider love as both a feeling and an action. Both of these constantly wax and wane with time. And some lulls in your marriage are expected and totally normal.

Ready to get to work restoring your marriage?

If after reading through the list, you still feel uncertain about your husband’s affections check out my recent article about how to restore a damaged marriage.

I get into 31 specific steps that I took when my marriage was on the brink of divorce in 2013. And today our marriage is better than ever!

Just click that link to read it on my site.

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Image by Goran Horvat from Pixabay

All marriages have ups and downs. But sometimes if we let a downturn go on too long without addressing it, it can lead to an unhappy marriage and is beyond saving. I used to wonder “how can I revive my marriage?”:

To revive a failing marriage, take the following steps:

1. Focus on fixing problems, not your spouse
2. Be the best version of yourself you can be
3. Wipe the slate clean, forgive, and start fresh
4. Spend time together daily 
5. Go through the motions even if they don’t feel genuine at first
6. Practice active listening, not just waiting your turn to talk

But those are just a few of the 29 tips we’ll be reviewing today!

If you’re like most people in a long-term committed relationship, your marriage or relationship will ebb and flow. It’s totally natural for it to NOT feel like it did while you were dating. That is even truer if you now have kids and have settled into life, careers, family, and building a life together.

Everything about your life is different now, so it makes sense that your relationship would feel different too. The good thing is you can commit to making positive changes at any time!

So now let’s review my . . . 

29 Best Ways to Revive Your Marriage

1. Avoid criticizing your spouse

Being critical of your spouse will eventually lead to divorce if you do it on a regular basis.

No one likes feeling like they aren’t good enough. And if they mostly hear criticisms and not appreciation, they WILL come to resent you. If you only walk away from this article with one tip, this is the most important thing.

If you go into a relationship expecting to never hit a speedbump you’re probably in for a rude awakening.

In my house, we have a fireplace. It’s great when it’s cold outside. But the fire wasn’t going when we bought the house and it’s not going 24/7. So when we want the fire to come back after it’s gone out there are steps we have to take.

We start small with twigs and branches to get that first spark going. Then we gradually throw on bigger pieces, carefully stoking the flames and making sure to not overload it too quickly.

That causes the flames to get snuffed out. Obviously, I’m talking about fire here, but it also perfectly describes how to rekindle a broken relationship.

2. Don’t place expectations on them

When we have expectations of another person, we become judgy (been there, done that).

No one likes feeling judged. Plus, we’re almost certainly setting them up to fail. And then we both end up feeling frustrated. If your spouse feels inferior (or that you see them that way), there’s no quicker way to kill the love they feel for you.

If you can’t accept your spouse EXACTLY how they are, do both of you a favor and move on.

3. Appreciate them for what they do

The inverse of #2 is it’s important to appreciate our spouse for what they do.

And I don’t just mean things like laundry or cleaning the kitchen. Appreciate ALL aspects of them; visual, artistic, emotional, physical, and the actions they take.

Ceasing expectations and appreciating them more are the easiest ways to quickly and easily improve a relationship .

4. Talk about your problems, not each other

All couples have disagreements and problems.

But when we start talking about what our spouse is doing wrong instead of the underlying problem, egos get in the way and it’s easy to get defensive.

Instead, focus on the problem. It could be communication, sex, money, etc.

If you can’t communicate effectively, consider marriage counseling. Marriage counselors, at least the good ones, can really help a married couple learn how to communicate effectively with each other and get back to having a strong relationship.

5. Avoid accusations

Along those same lines, don’t accuse your spouse of anything unless it’s something big (like cheating) AND you are certain of their guilt.

None of us like feeling falsely accused. And hurling unfounded accusations at our spouse is the best way to build bitterness and resentment.

Instead, in most cases, you’ll get far better results asking questions instead of making statements or hurling accusations.

6. Talk about how your spouse’s actions make you feel

Even people in great relationships still argue.

So along those same lines of #5, if your spouse has done something to hurt you, don’t name-call or accuse them of being a jerk. Instead, focus on how their actions made you feel.

Let’s say they forgot to get you an anniversary present.

You could say the following with likely disastrous results:

I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary! You don’t care about me! You’re such an asshole! Why am I even married to you?

And sure, that might feel good to say in the moment.

But trust me. Your spouse will get defensive. And then they’ll likely attack back with all the things that you aren’t doing right in their eyes.

And then it will escalate and end badly.

But what if instead, you said the following:

Hey honey. I know you have so much on your plate and do so much for our family. But when you forgot our anniversary, it made me feel like you don’t care about me or value me, and it makes me feel disposable. I would love it if you could make that a bigger priority.

7. Spend more time together being present to one another

Vegging out on the couch drinking and watching TV isn’t connecting.

Sure there are times when that’s fun and appropriate. But every time you’re with your spouse (after work and getting the kids to bed) shouldn’t be like that.

So a few times a week, make sure to spend quality time together without the distraction of the TV, phones, or kids and just talk and enjoy each other’s company. It might not seem like much, but often it’s a series of little things that can bring back the passion to a marriage rather than 1 big thing.

8. Acknowledge the issue with your spouse (it’s not like they don’t know it too)

When there are problems in a marriage, it’s like the elephant in the room.

So don’t pretend it’s not there. Your spouse feels it too. Sure you might feel it more, but only someone truly oblivious won’t see it whatsoever.

So don’t be afraid to bring it up, acknowledge it, and start to talk about fixing it.

9. Know that it will take time (it’s not a quick fix; it either took time to diminish the relationship or a serious breach of trust)

Most marriage problems take time to create; they aren’t usually born overnight. Even an affair is usually the result of a significant decline in the marriage over a period of time.

So just know that problems that took time to create will take time to fix.

So the first step is to not look for miracles or quick fixes. Plan for this to take time, but you will see gradual improvements along the way.

How much time?

That depends on how big the problem is, how long you’ve been together, and how long the issue has gone unaddressed.

10. Be willing to both talk (without criticism) and be willing to listen (without defensiveness)

It’s all too easy to criticize our spouse for all the things we think they are doing wrong. And who knows? Maybe all of it’s true.

But when we feel accused and attacked, are we likely to really listen and respond?

Hell no. We get defensive and are likely going to attack back. Then it turns into a full-blown argument and can escalate out of control.

11. Court them as you did when you were dating

There’s a reason your spouse fell in love with you.

But over time, those qualities and habits can move to the back burner. So if you used to be in shape and are now heavy, get back in the gym! If you used to engage in fun hobbies that you’ve neglected, get back to doing those.

When we do things (even without our spouse) that bring us joy, we are happier. That will naturally translate into being a better spouse.

12. Do things and go to places you frequented early in the relationship

Remember all those places you used to go when you were first dating your spouse?

How many of those restaurants, bars, or activities do you regularly do now? I thought so. It’s easy over time for the “fun” to move down the priority list.

So get back to going places and doing things that were crucial to your initial falling in love process.

13. Spend time together away from technology and the kids

Connect regularly throughout the week (phones down, TV off, maybe sitting on the patio with a glass of wine just talking)

Do fun things outside the house regularly. This can be with the kids, but it’s great to do something fun with our spouse that isn’t tied to the operation of the family.

14. Forgive past issues and start fresh

We have all done things to damage our relationships.

But when our spouse has taken 100% ownership and accountability, it’s crucial that we forgive them, and move forward. That doesn’t mean you forget the transgression. But it does mean not continually bringing it up as ammunition in arguments.

If you can’t forgive your spouse, do both of your a favor and move on.

15. Surprise your spouse occasionally

Guys this is for you especially.

Women (in most cases), naturally want the man to take the lead in the relationship. So plan date nights and romantic dinners. Mix it up. Change where you do and what you do.

Keep her guessing and you’ll keep her in love.

16. Listen without just waiting your turn to talk

Real conversation has to involve you really hearing your spouse, and then expressing how you feel while they truly hear you.

Many of us don’t really listen; we just wait our turn to talk.

And when we do that, we aren’t really present to our spouse and hearing what they are saying. And if they pick up on our lack of presence they won’t feel heard.

That creates frustration and can escalate tension.

17. Touch without the expectation of sex

Sex is an important part of all romantic relationships.

But no one wants to be only thought of as a sex object. And women especially don’t want to feel like the only reason their man touches them is when he wants sex.

So cuddle. Hold hands, spoon. And do it without the expectation of it leading to sex. Believe it or not, but this can actually increase sexual desire.

18. Change up your routines

Routine is a love killer for human beings.

If you usually have date nights on a Friday, sometimes surprise her with a Saturday or a weeknight. If you often go to restaurant “A”, scour Yelp and find a new hot restaurant you’ve never been to.

Avoid the routine and show her you put some thought into her!

19. Go on weekly date nights

Along those same lines, make sure you do have regular date nights.

Kids, family, and friends are great. But at the nucleus of that should be you and your spouse. And it can’t always be about everyone else.

Date and court each other regularly to keep the spark alive (or bring it back).

20. Guys – make a f’ing decision!

Guys this is another one for you.

Women love strong, confident guys. That’s no surprise. So if you’ve become one of those guys who just says “I dunno what do you want to do?” when your wife asks what you want to do or what restaurant you want to go to, it’s time to man up!

Make decisions. Be decisive.

That doesn’t mean being domineering or never letting her give input. But make a f’ing decision! Trust me. Your wife will love you for it and it will help her feel safer and more comfortable in your masculine presence.

21. Focus on being your best

At the end of the day though, while we might be desperate to learn how to fix a broken marriage, all we can really change is ourselves:

• How we act
• The words we choose to communicate with
• The way we respond or react to what’s happening around us

So if you know you need to rekindle your marriage and your spouse is oblivious, just focus on yourself and your own actions.

Ask for what you want. Be clear but be kind.

While it’s great to go to couples counseling together, seeing a therapist on your own has great benefits too. So if your spouse won’t go to therapy together, don’t just throw in the towel; seek therapy on your own.

At the very least you’ll feel better and you may gain clarity about your role in the marriage going stale. Make no mistake; it takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to run it into the ground.

22. Have sex regularly

I said it before. An active sex life is a HUGELY important part of all romantic relationships.

But careers, kids, and other elements have a way of moving sex to the backburner in long-term marriages and relationships.

So we have to commit to making it a priority.

Schedule it if you must. But sex at least 1-2 times a week (minimum) is crucial for a couple’s long-term happiness. If you have issues with desire or ED; talk to your doctor and get it fixed.

Almost any issue can be fixed with focus and effort.

23. Have a little time apart (for couples who do everything together, one will often end up feeling smothered)

We can’t spend 24/7 with our spouse and expect them to stay interested in us.

After all, what are you going to talk about?? Now, it also doesn’t work to do everything separately. So there has to be a balance. So consider this:

• Each of you separately has a night out with friends 2-4 times a month
• You both hang out with friends as a couple 1-3 times a month
• Family night with the kids weekly
• Date night once a week
• Each of you engages in a hobby 1-2 times a week
• Each of you hits the gym, yoga class, or a sport 1-3 times a week

24. Really connect with your spouse

Sitting and sleeping in close proximity is not connecting.

Often in families, one person is more the breadwinner while the other holds down the family and household. Genders and stereotypes have changed a lot over the decades, so I’m not going to make any assumptions.

But chances are one of you in your relationship leans one way or the other. And vice versa.

In that scenario, it’s quite common for one spouse to see the obvious while the other remains oblivious. And when one spouse doesn’t feel heard and understood, that’s when relationship problems start to develop.

25. Take 100% ownership and accountability for your actions

Apologize – It’s CRUCIAL to take ownership if you blow up after a hard day, do or say things you don’t mean, etc. Don’t just blow those moments over and don’t try and justify the wrong.

Take ownership, apologize fully, and move on.

And whatever you do, after you say you’re sorry, never, EVER, follow it with a “but”. When we say “I’m sorry, but . . . ” we’re shirking responsibility and basically trying to lay fault elsewhere.

And when we don’t take ownership, it is virtually impossible for our spouse to forgive us and it diminishes trust.

26. Make an effort

Marriage is hard work (click to read my article).

In that linked article, I talk about exactly why marriage shouldn’t be easy, but how to make the work you put into it truly effective and not be grueling.

But anything worth doing takes energy, focus, and time. In a marriage, generally speaking, damage or neglect robs us of our feelings of love.

Being married takes time, effort, focus, and attention. A great marriage doesn’t just “happen”. If yours isn’t what it was or could be, commit to rekindling your marriage today!

27. Fake it ’till you make it

Love does ebb and flow throughout a marriage.

Sometimes in the course of it, especially after damaging behavior like an affair, the love goes away. Think of your heart as a finite space where love exists.

As damaging things happen, slowly the love pours out and gets replaced by apathy, anger, or even hate.

But with time, energy, and focus, you CAN fall back in love.

The key is to fake it ’till you make it. I know that phrase sometimes gets a bad rap, but hear me out. When you go through the motions, you are programming your mind and building a pattern into your thoughts and brain.

It WILL feel unnatural at first. It may not be enjoyable.

But when you first learned to do ANYTHING, it felt uncomfortable at first too. Whether that was driving, playing tennis, or learning how to play a musical instrument, it didn’t feel comfortable at first.

Why should love be any different?

But like learning how to be good at anything, EVENTUALLY, it clicked. You got it and it started to make sense, feel right, and be a part of who you are.

Your marriage can be like that too!

28. Be upfront about your feelings

We have to be willing to really share our feelings and bare our souls if we’re going to repair our marriage and rebuild it.

When we avoid uncomfortable conversations, we’re just delaying the inevitable. But it can also build resentment and escalate the tension unnecessarily.

So don’t shy away from uncomfortable feelings. Just be willing to express them in a productive manner.

29. Avoid doing the 4 most damaging things to your spouse

What damages a marriage?

According to renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, there are 4 pillars that destroy a marriage or relationship.

He calls them the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (click to read my article which details the 4).  I have a previous post on this as well that is well worth diving into to learn more.

Those 4 things are:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Each of these areas is ways of behaving or interacting with each other that destroy the relationship over time.

Thus when you want to learn how to rekindle a broken marriage, eliminating those 4 destructive behaviors is essential. Your marriage might be able to survive just one of these, but often they go hand in hand.

Criticism & Contempt

When you and your spouse have an argument do you name call, drop profanity, or hurl insults? Instead of sticking to the topic you’re arguing over do you take jabs at the other’s personality or appearance?

Defensiveness

If they accuse you of something do you redirect it elsewhere or make accusations back instead of just owning your mistake?

The most common form of this is to apologize for a wrong but to backhand it by adding “but” at the end of it.

“I’m sorry I did that, but it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if you hadn’t . . . .”

I’m sure that will sound familiar to some.

Stonewalling

Lastly, we have stonewalling, which is essentially avoiding your spouse or the argument.  The classic Silent Treatment (click to read my detailed article).

I’ve covered this deceptively deadly relationship killer before as well. If you or your spouse have issues with avoidance, you must check out that post and put an end to this before it’s too late!

Frequently Asked Questions

Is a comfortable relationship in trouble?

No. A comfortable relationship is not in trouble as long as neither partner views it as boring or stale. But even a well-functioning comfortable relationship can benefit from surprise date nights, changes in routines, and occasional deep conversations without the distractions of phones, TV, or kids.

There is definitely a difference between 2 people co-existing in a comfortable rhythm and 2 people headed for divorce.

But it’s totally natural 10+ years into marriages or long-term relationships for 2 people to get comfortable.

It’s not too late even if you have talked about divorce.  I’ve posted previously about the Top 3 Reasons for Divorce (click to read my surprising article).  So if you are moving in that direction, I highly recommend you read that post!

In that post, I walk you through each of those top 3 reasons, what the divorce rate is for each of the 3, and what you can do to come back from them if you find them at work in your marriage.

A “comfortable” relationship simply means:

1. You’re in sync with each other and drama and fights are few
2. You both enjoy the life you have built
3. You’re just cruising along loving the journey

People in this boat aren’t unhappy.

True they may not quite have the agonizing passion they felt when they first met. But their love hasn’t faded and they aren’t desperately looking for ways to revive their marriage.

But the need to rekindle your marriage isn’t always as obvious as one might think.

That’s especially true if we are focused on a career. We work long hours, maybe travel some, come home, grab a cocktail, and veg out on the couch with the family watching TV until it’s time for bed.

Repeat daily.

There’s nothing wrong with the above scenario, per se, but nothing about that is nurturing your marriage.  You aren’t focusing on your spouse.

Practicing Empathetic Listening Skills (click to read my article) goes a long way to improve the connection with your spouse, so if you or your partner often don’t feel heard by the other, take a minute and check out my post on that.

Do couples reconcile after separation?

No. 87% of couples who separate do not end up reconciling. While some couples do reconcile after separation, the odds strongly favor divorce. So it’s far better to try and fix a failing marriage before one spouse moves out.

When you’ve separated and one person has physically moved out, it can be much harder to reconcile.

The good news is that it sends a clear message to the other spouse that this is serious and something needs to change if the marriage is going to survive.

The bad news is that when you lead largely separate lives, it takes more work, time, and energy to start the reconciliation process and keep it going.

It also costs a lot more financially and if you have kids it puts an incredible strain on them (as well as both of you).

Unfortunately, the statistics don’t support separation as part of the process of trying to rekindle a broken marriage.

According to DivorceStatistics, a whopping 87% of couples who separate end up getting divorced.

Thus, if you or your spouse do separate with hopes of fixing things, you only have about a 13% chance of success. Obviously, if you are in a situation where your spouse is physically abusive or cruel, for your own safety you should move out ASAP (and the marriage probably can’t be saved anyway).

But for most of us who want to save and rekindle our marriage, moving out is a BAD idea.

What is a loveless marriage?

A loveless marriage is one where, over time, the love in the marriage has just naturally faded away. It could be due to an affair or abuse, but often it’s just from a lack of paying attention.

Lots of things can cause love to diminish.

My own marriage has definitely seen its share of challenges.  There was a time when my wife said to me “I love you but I’m not sure I’m still in love with you”.

Luckily that was not recently.

Believe me, that hurt.  It was a wake-up call for sure. I could have been angry. Or said hurtful things back. But she was just being honest.  She wasn’t trying to hurt me.

Learning to be honest with your spouse and to receive honest, heartfelt feedback graciously are excellent traits to have or hone.

In my case, I was working a ton. I was also going out after work with friends for drinks. My wife was home alone with our girls. We’d also moved states for my work 3 times in the prior 15 months so my wife also probably felt somewhat alone and isolated.

She had quit drinking alcohol a few months earlier while I hadn’t (yet).

Thus all of that set the table for widening the rift between us. I thought working hard to provide financially and otherwise was enough. It wasn’t. I needed to rekindle love in my marriage, but at the time I was too oblivious to see it.

How to fix a marriage after infidelity

For the cheater, here are the steps to turn things around:

• Be 100% accountable for your actions – No excuses, no shifting blame
• Ended all contact with the other man or woman (changing phone numbers and my email address, blocking them on social media)
• Allowed your spouse to go through the grieving stages (at their pace with no pressure from you to move past it)
• Focus on changing yourself (to show them through your actions that you can be the person they fell in love with)

I’m in a unique position to speak here as I cheated on my wife in 2013.

As I alluded to in the above passage, our marriage wasn’t great at the time. Our communication had deteriorated and my wife had recently quit drinking (but I had not).

It was the lowest point in my life and certainly for our marriage.

We could have broken up and separated our family. But instead (luckily) my wife and I decided to rebuild our marriage.

The good news is we went through the turmoil and came out significantly stronger than we ever were before.

If you want to see all the crucial steps we took, check out my most shared post on Pinterest about How to Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my article).

Does sexless marriage lead to divorce?

In most cases, yes. A sexless marriage will end in divorce. A sexless marriage is a sign that one partner has a physical and/or mental issue they have not dealt with. The other spouse will eventually get frustrated at both the lack of intimacy, but also their spouse’s inability to deal with the underlying issue.

Intimacy, both physical and emotional is CRUCIAL for a successful long-term marriage.

While I’m not talking specifically about sex, I also don’t want to diminish the role of sex in a healthy marriage either. It’s vitally important that spouses are having sex at least once a week.

But having said that, it’s also crucial that both spouses are having their emotional needs met too and finding ways to connect that don’t have the expectation of sex.

So if your marriage is lacking intimacy and you’ve wondered “Can a Marriage Last Without Intimacy (click to read my article)?”, I urge you to explore one of my newer posts that answers that very question.

How can I fight for my marriage alone?

Sometimes our spouse seems unwilling to make an effort to fix the marriage. You can fight for your marriage alone by:

• Start going through the motions – go places you went early in the marriage, go on dates, put the phones down, and make time for each other
• Wipe the slate clean – Cast aside judgments, blame, and other things you may be feeling towards them
• Focus on being the best version of yourself – You can’t change anyone; you can only change yourself. So don’t worry about what you can’t change. Just be you at your best.
• Don’t pressure your spouse
• Avoid being critical of your spouse
• Give them space, but be clear you want to fix the marriage

Maybe our spouse is oblivious or maybe they’ve grown apathetic and just aren’t willing to fight to save your marriage. That’s a rough spot to be in; isolating, frustrating, and lonely.

Start by telling them how you feel. Rather than placing expectations on them or getting angry, just start by talking about your feelings.

It’s OK to describe how your spouse’s actions (or inactions) make you feel but bring it back to how it makes you feel. That’s key to them not feeling attacked and getting defensive.

If they are oblivious you have to paint a picture of what’s going wrong in the marriage so they can see it.

Even if their perception is totally different (which is OK as they are entitled to their opinion), they should be crystal clear on how you feel about it.

If they are apathetic, then you need to give them a glimmer of hope of what your marriage could be like if you could regain what you’ve lost.

Just three months after giving birth, Janet Jackson’s marriage is over. Details on their nasty, and possibly expensive split now on #ENews. pic.twitter.com/nRAcC820k1

— E! News (@enews) April 11, 2017

How do I reconnect with my husband after having a baby?

A baby causes physical, hormonal, emotional, and mental changes to a mother. It can take 6 weeks or more after giving birth before a wife is ready to be intimate again with her husband.

Here’s how to reconnect with your husband after having a baby:

• Be clear with your husband about what you’re feeling
• Let them know the medical recommendations for how long it will be before you’re ready to have sex
• Also, be clear that aside from being physically ready, you need to be mentally ready
• Connect with your husband in other ways outside of sex
• Don’t feel guilty; this is a natural part of motherhood
• Understand that any trauma that happened at birth may delay intimacy

I have 3 kids, so I’m a great position to know exactly how this feels.

As guys, we sometimes are clueless about what a woman is going through after giving birth to a child. We see the child, but we don’t always understand the changes your body is going through both physically and hormonally.

So it’s crucial that you talk to us; let us in.

That’s not the same as sex, but it is an intimate connection that is better than none. Talk to us about what you’re feeling and going through. If your sex drive has changed, talk about it.

If you gained weight and feel unattractive, talk to us about it!

Guys are naturally fixers, so at the start of the conversation, make it clear you just want us to listen and not solve the issues. But keeping it bottled up will only make both of you miserable.

Then, maybe 6-8 weeks following the birth of the baby, do try and recommit to regular sex, as it’s an important part of a healthy marriage.

If you aren’t quite feeling it emotionally, it’s still OK to engage in it as it will help to reengage your sex drive and it will help to reconnect you to your husband too.

Final thoughts

We don’t have to settle

We don’t have to accept that passion is gone never to return.  You CAN fix your marriage and rekindle love!  You simply need to re-prioritize what’s important.

To restore love, we simply have to put aside expectations of our spouse, judgments, and criticisms.

It’s totally ok to ask for what you need and express how it makes you feel if they let you down, but just having a long list of what you expect from your spouse is likely to frustrate you and them and ensure they don’t measure up.

Instead:

• Take some time each week to do something similar to what you did when dating (music, restaurants, hangouts, games, etc)
• Each day, think of one thing you appreciate about your spouse and write it down
• Do something small for your spouse each day that lets them know you are thinking about them (without the expectation of getting anything in return)
• Hug, connect and say I love you every day (multiple times a day)

As kids, careers, new houses, cars, material things, and life came along, your relationship got prioritized down on the to-do list. But none of those things mean much without someone to share it with.

So learning how to fix these marital problems is crucial!

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Image by Anastasiya Babienko from Pixabay

In 2013, I cheated on my wife. It’s not my proudest moment, and as you can imagine, it took a while for my wife to trust me again. Here’s what I learned about how to regain my wife’s trust:

1. Admit your indiscretion
2. Take 100% ownership and accountability for the issue
3. Avoid blaming others or trying to justify the choice
4. Be 100% transparent and open
5. Allow your spouse to vent without trying to defend yourself
6. Work on yourself to get to the root of the problem so it doesn’t happen again

But there’s a lot more to say about regaining your wife’s trust and restoring a relationship. The good news is that trust can be restored, and your marriage can be saved. You can have a healthy relationship again!

Not only was I able to regain my wife’s trust, but my marriage is not better than it’s ever been.

So, if you’re wondering how to regain your partner’s trust and want to save your marriage, you’ve come to the right place.

Just keep reading!

15 Effective Steps on how to regain your wife’s trust

1. Take 100% ownership for what happened

Whatever your indiscretions, the first step is to take 100% ownership. Whether you cheated, got into deep debt, or any other kind of hot water, you need to own it.

Don’t place blame on your wife or anyone else. You can’t control many things in your life, but you can always control yourself.

Don’t try to sugarcoat it, either. Tell your wife exactly what happened in as much detail as she wants. Apologize once, take complete ownership, and then tell her how you are going to fix it.

2. Avoid trying to justify why you did what you did

Whatever you do, don’t try to justify what you did. It’s only going to sound like you’re making excuses. Making excuses means you’re not taking ownership of your choices.

It’s going to lead to placing blame, and inevitably, fighting.

Some daily bickering and going back and forth is completely normal and okay. But if it gets into name-calling, criticism, and yelling, it’s counter-productive at best. It’s damaging at worst.

To read more about how damaging constant fighting can be, read this recent article.

In this article, I talk about how some small daily fights can be okay. I also talk about how damaging it can be if you call names, constantly criticize, or yell. You’re trying to regain your wife’s trust, not pick fights.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

3. Don’t focus on trying to convince her of anything – show her through your actions

Actions will always speak louder than words.

If you are serious about regaining your wife’s trust, don’t try to convince her of it. Do whatever you can to show her that you want to save the marriage and that she can trust you again.

Let her have complete access to your phone, computer, and social media.

Don’t leave the room when you take calls. Let her know where you’re going, why you’re going, and when you’re going to be home.

If something happens, especially if it is related to your indiscretions, tell her about it. Then, tell her what you will do about it if anything needs to be done.

Answer all of her questions, no matter how trivial they may seem to you.

And don’t get frustrated with her questions. You’re the one who created her trust issues, so you’re the one that needs to earn it back.

4. Let her vent and release her anger (verbally) whenever she needs to

Let her vent when she needs to. Anger, just like grief, is going to come and go. She may seem fine one day, and the next day she may have explosive anger.

This is okay and should be treated with patience.

Obviously, if she gets physical or starts name-calling, that is not okay. If this starts to happen, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation. Simply don’t engage if she feels the need to get physical or belittle you.

Venting anger and frustration is okay. Being abusive is never okay.

Depending on what you’ve done, her anger may come along with something that correlates to your indiscretion.

For example, if you’ve committed some sort of fraud, and you get a court notice, she may get angry. That’s normal and okay. Depending on the nature of the breach of trust, her reactions will vary, as will the amount of time it takes for her to work through it.

You should also be okay with the fact that this may happen on and off for months. It may seem like it comes out of the blue. When it does happen, don’t try to defend yourself. Just listen to her frustrations without judgment and without being defensive.

5. Be clear you intend to save the marriage and earn her trust back

No matter what you’ve done, if you want to save the marriage, be very clear in that. If she mentions divorce, tell her that you are not interested in getting a divorce.

Be very clear about your intentions.

For example, if you’ve cheated and are serious about saving your marriage, tell her that and then show her. Cut off all communication with the other person.

Give your wife access to all of your social accounts, your email, and your phone. Change jobs if you cheated with a co-worker. Even emotional affairs that never got physical should be handled the same way.

Don’t keep anything from her, even if you feel like it’s not relevant.

Tell her repeatedly that you do not want to get a divorce, but don’t be demanding. Then, make sure your actions show that you want to earn her trust back. Ask for time.

Your marriage can be saved, but she needs to want it, too.

If she is on the fence about saving the marriage, help guide her in the direction you want by making your intentions clear.

Complete transparency is a good step to show her that you are serious about saving your marriage.

And above all, don’t try and justify the affair. I don’t care if she was the worst wife in the world. Having an affair is wrong, and not the way to try and get her to be a better wife.

6. Allow her space when she needs it

Sometimes she’s not going to want to be around you. She may not want to talk to you. She’s not giving you the silent treatment; she’s ruminating.

This is normal and okay. Give her space. Don’t push her to talk to you. If you push her when she doesn’t want to talk to you, it could lead to fighting and resentment.

The idea is to get your marriage in a better place and to gain her trust. If you try to push her into talking to you, it’s just going to frustrate her.

By giving her the needed space, you are showing her that you respect her feelings.

If she says she needs to go out and think, let her do that. If she is at home, just be nearby to let her know that you are there if she needs you.

But don’t bug her to talk to you because you feel bad. It’s not her responsibility to make you feel better.

Giving her the space she needs but being nearby demonstrates that you genuinely care about her needs and not just your own.

7. If you cheated, give her all passwords to phones, email & social

Cheating is a deep betrayal, and it’s going to require a lot of work to overcome. First, you should cease all communication with the person you had an affair with, no matter how long or short.

Then, you should change your phone number and email address. 

Block them on all social media accounts. And if they are a co-worker, quit that job and get a new one. When you are doing all of this, give your wife complete access to your social media, phone, and email.

By complete access – I mean everything. Give her all of your passwords for everything and keep NOTHING from her. This may seem extreme, but I really can’t think of anything worse than cheating in a relationship.

If you’re serious about getting your wife to trust you again, you’re going to have to take drastic measures.

Being 100% transparent and open will ease the betrayed partner’s mind about any insecurity, anger, frustration, and self-doubt she may have.

8. Suggest seeing a marriage counselor together

Marriages are a lot of work, even when trust hasn’t been broken.

Once trust has been broken, it can be near impossible to get it back. The best way to gain trust back and get to the real root of the problem is to attend counseling.

There is an underlying reason for whatever it was that you did. Whether you lost your life savings to gambling, whether you cheated, or committed some crime, there is an underlying reason.

You can’t get to the root of the cause alone.

You should seek professional help. A marriage counselor can give you an objective, non-judgmental ear to talk to about your issues. They have the expertise to provide real, actionable advice on how to fix your marriage and learn to trust one another again.

They can also get to the “why” of the situation and help you work through it. It is not a quick fix, and it’s going to take a lot of work. It may even get worse before it gets better.

But if you are serious about keeping your marriage intact, it is a step you should both consider taking.

9. Understand the healing process could take years

The healing process is going to take time. That’s something you need to understand and get used to. If you’ve made it clear that you want to save your marriage, and she agrees, it’s not going to happen overnight.

Healing a broken marriage, just like going through grief, is a process. You are both going to have issues that need to be worked through.

So just be prepared for healing to take time.

Also, understand that the longer your indiscretions and the longer you kept them from your wife, the longer it will take to get over.

Your marriage can go back to normal.

In fact, it can even be better than it was. But you can’t rush the process. Allow it to take as long as necessary. As long as you are in the right mindset, it will prevent you from rushing things, and it will allow you to heal, too.

It will also prevent you from feeling resentment towards your wife when she isn’t moving forward fast enough for your liking.

It will gradually get better. Just let the process run its course.

10. Overcommunicate your whereabouts when not at home or work

Go overboard on communicating your whereabouts when not at home or work.

This is especially important if you cheated. As the person who cheated, you have to let your partner see your emails, cell phone, and social media accounts. This may feel like a violation of your privacy, or it may make you feel insecure.

But this is important to the person who has been cheated on.

By telling them your whereabouts and sharing your passwords, your partner will feel reassured that you don’t have anything to hide.

You’ll also be showing them that they can trust you again.

If you gambled away a significant amount of money, tell your partner about any bank accounts they may not have known about before.

And give them the passwords so they can check in on your spending habits.

Keep them updated on your whereabouts, check in frequently when you are not home, and come home when you say you are going to be home.

11. Make her your #1 priority

Make your wife your number one priority.

Ask her what she needs from you. You are not a mind reader, and she doesn’t expect you to be. But she may not always verbalize what she needs from you. So, instead of guessing what she needs, ask her. And then do what she says.

If she needs space, give it to her. If she wants flowers every day, get them for her.

Whatever you do, you need to make sure she knows that she is important to you. If she wants a date night, don’t work late or go hang out with your friends. Take her on the date.

Do small things throughout the day to let her know that you are thinking about her. And do this without any expectations for something in return. She should be your best friend, so treat her like one!

Hug her, connect with her, and tell her you love her every day, multiple times a day.

Have meaningful conversations. Take an active interest in her life and interests. Simply appreciating your wife for who she is and what she does for you and your family can go a long way.

12. Go places and do things you did when the marriage was young and fun

Part of rebuilding trust is rebuilding the relationship.

You may desperately want your marriage to have trust, mutual acceptance, and respect. All hope is not lost. Even damaged marriages can be saved.

A great way to do this is to go on dates like you did when the marriage was brand new. Even if you have kids, you can still go on dates. Leave the kids with a sitter or make them a part of your dates. It can and should feel like a fresh start!

Older kids really enjoy hearing about their parents’ lives before they were parents.

Go see a movie at the theatre you used to frequent, go eat at the restaurant where you had your first date, and do the activities you loved to do together.

This can not only remind you of the more fun times in your relationship, but it can help you remember why you fell in love in the first place. This recent article is entirely devoted to helping you fall back in love.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

“Trade your expectations for appreciation and your world changes instantly.” – Tony Robbins. pic.twitter.com/N9FPSiMkcI

— Michael Hyatt (@MichaelHyatt) July 14, 2018

13. Appreciate her without expectation

Appreciation can look like a lot of things. It can be random texts once or twice a week, telling your wife that you love her.

And while you’re being thankful, don’t expect anything from her in return. Just be grateful in the moment.

It can be praise for a job well done. If she recently completed a project, praise her for working hard and getting it done. But also understand her love language and make sure your actions support that.

The 5 love languages are:

• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Physical touch

So if her love language is words of affirmation and you never tell her you love and appreciate her, she may feel unloved no matter what you buy her or how much time you spend with her.

You should also show appreciation for the things she does on a daily basis.

Does she cook dinner every day? Do laundry and other household chores? Make sure the kids are educated, entertained, and clean?

Be thankful for those things.

When you appreciate the little things, you’ll notice that she will appreciate you more, too.

14. If you cheated, understand it may be a while before she’s ready to have sex

Cheating is a huge betrayal. While you may feel guilty about it, she is likely emotionally drained. You’ve made a connection with someone outside of your marriage.

This means that not only have you been lying, but you’ve essentially invited someone else into your marriage without your wife’s knowledge or consent. That broken trust is a lot to process.

She’s going to feel insecure, angry, and maybe even a little guilty herself.

All of these emotions are going to be hard to get past, and she probably won’t be ready to have sex for a while. This goes for any type of affair you’ve had. Whether it’s emotional, physical, or a combination of both.

That doesn’t mean she will never have sex with you again. It just means she is still processing, and it’s going to take some effort and hard work on your part.

But your relationship can go back to normal after cheating. It’s going to take time and patience. Read this recent article where I explore the harsh reality many couples face when it comes to cheating.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

15. Make positive changes in your life (quit drinking, start a workout regime, eat healthier, etc.) 

One of the easiest things you can do is to make positive changes in your own life.

There’s an underlying reason for doing what you did. If you’re an alcoholic, stop drinking and get help. Attend AA meetings and follow the steps.

If you are a gambler, find something else to get that dopamine hit. Work out and eat healthier, meditate.

You’d be surprised at how much better you feel mentally if you just walk on a daily basis. Occupy your mind with healthy habits. Getting help and changing behaviors is a huge part of not relapsing.

Oftentimes, our vices are influenced by our environment. If you grew up with an alcoholic, there is a good chance you will also be an alcoholic.

If you surround yourself with gamblers or drug users, you will likely gamble or use drugs, too.

Take a look around you and see what you can change about yourself and your environment for the better. When you start taking better care of yourself, you’ll find that it’s easier to take care of other things, too.

You’ll find that because you’re happier and more in tune with your body and mind, you won’t want to participate in the negative behaviors that brought you down before.

Therapy, meditation, or a practice like yoga or martial arts can help significantly.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I regain my wife’s trust after cheating?

If you want to regain your wife’s trust after an affair, give your wife complete access to your phone, email, and social accounts. Then, over-communicate on your whereabouts when not at home or work.

Cheating can be devastating to a relationship.

If you’re serious about saving your relationship and regaining your wife’s trust, it’s going to take a lot of work. Patience is vital, and you can’t rush the process.

You need to be completely transparent in your life. Give your wife complete access to your phone, email, and social accounts—over-communicate your whereabouts.

You also need to take 100% accountability for your actions. Don’t give excuses or place blame on others.

It may get frustrating, but understand that it will take time. Don’t pressure your spouse to just “get over it.” You are the one who cheated. You are the one who needs to fix it.

I’ve been both the cheater and the one who has been cheated on. This gives me a unique perspective from both sides of the coin.

To read more in-depth about how to regain your wife’s trust after cheating, check out this recent article.

In that article, I go deep into how to prove you won’t cheat again. After all, many say once a cheater, always a cheater. But that doesn’t have to be true.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

“They make each other laugh — which is half the battle, isn’t it?” ❤️

The Duke of Edinburgh’s relationship with the Queen was not a dynastic marriage of convenience but a triumph of love, romance and trust https://t.co/vOllXylHKh pic.twitter.com/yDz9lurmiN

— Evening Standard (@standardnews) April 9, 2021

How do you get your wife to fall back in love with you again?

To revive a marriage and get your wife to fall back in love, focus on fixing the problems in yourself, listening to your wife, and being the best version of you that you can be, and the best husband you can be. Make your intentions clear, but don’t seem needy or clingy.

Ultimately you’ll have to show her that you can change. And only your actions, over time, will do that; not words.

Lack of trust can often lead to a boring or even broken marriage. Marriages ebb and flow, and that’s completely normal, especially if you’ve been married a long time.

Kids, careers, and routines can all make a marriage feel less than stellar. Long-term relationships take work. It’s not going to feel like it was when you were dating, but it doesn’t have to feel bland, either.

To bring back that spark, have a date night. Leave the kids with a sitter, turn off the cell phones, and focus on each other.

But if I were to break it down as simply as possible, it would be to:

• Show appreciation for your wife without expecting anything in return
• Leave thoughtful notes around the house. Do household chores that you don’t normally. You’d be surprised at how much simply washing the dishes can do for your marriage!
• Be willing to listen to your wife (and not just waiting your turn to talk)
• Tell her what you need, too. Neither one of you are a mind reader, and you can’t rekindle a marriage if you don’t communicate with one another.
• Avoid begging or guilting her – no one likes someone who seems desperate (even if that’s how you feel)
• Show her through your actions that you are still the man she feel in love with – words don’t have nearly as much value as action

If your marriage is failing, then check out this quick video on the 7 Steps to Fixing Your Marriage that will help get yours back on track.

A fellow got this tattoo to regain his wife’s trust. A question for my transaction cost analysis friends: Does this transaction-specific investment support or refute Williamson’s argument that “calculativeness is inimical to personal trust”?https://t.co/0IULwXzXkq pic.twitter.com/ySxY6yyhzg

— Kent Grayson (@KentGrayson) January 9, 2019

Can a marriage survive without trust?

Simply put, no. A marriage without trust will end in divorce or be miserable. Trust is what relationships are built on. Without trust, you end up questioning everything. Your wife may constantly be expecting the worst from you. This is stressful and exhausting.

Once trust has been broken, it can be nearly impossible to get it back.

When trust is broken, it’s easy to feel on edge all the time. You start to question every phone notification, text message, and email.

Lack of trust can also lead to fighting, lack of communication, and even a shift in priorities.

If your spouse doesn’t trust you, they simply aren’t going to believe what you say. They may also question your motives in your actions.

This is an unhealthy way to live in general. But it is especially exhausting and stressful, and if mistrust continues, it will ultimately lead to the demise of your relationship.

So, if you’re serious about regaining your wife’s trust, here are my…

Learning From Marriage Advice For Women Regarding Cheating pic.twitter.com/W1KJnfpppX

— Verse Finance (@versefinance) January 3, 2018

Final thoughts

Trust is crucial in a marriage, and your marriage simply won’t survive without trust. If it does survive, it won’t be in an enjoyable or healthy way.

If you have lost your wife’s trust for whatever reason, it is vital that you regain it. It’s going to take time, and it’s not going to be easy. We all have past mistakes. But it’s crucial that we take extreme ownership of them, learn from them, and don’t repeat them.

It’s going to take patience on your part, and you are going to have to work on yourself at the same time.

But if you really want to save your marriage, you need to rebuild that trust. It’s a crucial step and the only way to really put your marriage back together. If you put in the time to rebuild the trust, your marriage can be even better than it was before.

A wedding band is typically worn 24/7 on their left ring finger by most married couples. While some take theirs off for good reason, it’s usually a red flag. So sometimes guys wonder why does my wife not wear her wedding ring?

A wife taking off her wedding ring is telling the world that she is unmarried. It may be done simply to get more attention from men as an ego boost, but it could mean she’s actively considering divorce or looking for an affair. Either way it is a red flag.

But, of course, there are exceptions to every rule.

And I used to work with a good friend who never wore his wedding ring. And while he loved going out and flirting, he never cheated on his wife. It was just his personal preference and was solid in his committed relationship.

So in this article, we’ll examine all the possible reasons a wife might not wear her wedding ring. More importantly, we’ll talk about what that means for you and what to do about it.

Let’s get going.

What does it mean when your wife takes off her wedding ring?

When a wife removes her wedding ring it could mean she simply wants more attention from other men or is actively looking for an affair. But if she has gained weight, the ring may also be too small now and she may be embarrassed to mention it.

You may naturally be worried about your wife taking off her wedding ring suddenly.

And you’re not alone. There are so many implications that come along with removing a wedding ring. Cheating seems to be what most would fear most.

But surprisingly, there are very few studies on this topic.

And none that I could find made a connection between cheating and wedding rings. Common thinking on this is, “a cheater is going to cheat anyway; they’ll just take it off when they’re going to cheat.”

The truth of the matter is everyone knows what that ring should symbolize. It’s a signal of your commitment to onlookers. It’s a sign you’re not available. What good reason could there be to remove it?

Anecdotal evidence and confessional forums online mostly describe deceptive reasons like:

• Hiding marital status
• Flirting
• Getting men to buy drinks
• Unhappy in their marriage
• Getting more tips
• Looking for male attention

So the important thing is to not rush to judgment, not accuse her of anything without proof, and to simply communicate. There are a number of reasons to remove a wedding ring, such as:

Your wife might simply hate jewelry

If she wore no rings before your marriage, maybe the idea of having to keep one on every day seems uncomfortable. It could make her work more difficult in certain professions. Or maybe when you got married, you didn’t have a lot of money and it’s not a beautiful ring, she may just not like it.

But if this is the reason, then most likely she has never worn the ring and she shouldn’t be uncomfortable talking to you about it.

It also could be a family heirloom and is both delicate and treasured and she may have stopped wearing it to protect it. But if that’s the case, she should tell you and get a new diamond ring to replace it. Or she could at least wear it sometimes and on special occasions.

Weight gain could be another reason

It’s a sensitive topic, and maybe she’d rather not call attention to a now ill-fitting ring.

She might be ashamed or embarrassed and intentionally avoiding the subject. Not wearing her ring could be a natural extension of that.

Allergies

And you’d likely know this final reason, but she might be allergic to metals.

Sometimes metal allergies show up later in life, so it may be a new thing. But again, she shouldn’t be reluctant to talk about it, if this is the case.

There are, however, products you can coat jewelry with to prevent allergy breakouts. So if this is the case, check out Jewelry Shield on Amazon. It’s dirt cheap, has good reviews, and is an Amazon’s Choice product too.

Just click that link to see it on Amazon.

If she is from another country it may not be part of her culture

A ring on the wedding ring finger has significance here in the United States.

But if your wife is not from western countries, it could be simply that what a wedding ring means is different in her culture and not common practice. After all, how married men and married women behave can be very different in different parts of the world.

Her culture might even see it as an outdated symbol of ownership.

It is dangerous in her work environment

Depending on where she works and the nature of her work, it may not make sense for her to wear her ring at work.

For example, I ran a martial arts school and most of the guys who worked there, myself included, would take our rings off while training. Granted I wore my ring to work and just took it off when I walked onto the mats.

But if she works with her hands, heavy equipment, or machinery, it might make total sense for her to not wear her wedding and diamond engagement rings.

#DrivetimeDiscussion981: Is it disrespectful to not wear your wedding ring? What were your partner’s excuse for not wearing their wedding ring?

Join in on the conversation with @MazinoAppeal and Hauwa
call in on 01-4489981 or Whatsapp on 08094440981 #SmoothDrive981 pic.twitter.com/koCbmyyMEj

— Smooth98.1FM (@Smooth981FM) October 21, 2019

Is it disrespectful to not wear your wedding ring?

For a married couple, it would be disrespectful to not wear a wedding ring regularly. A wedding ring is a significant piece of jewelry and a symbol of the wedding day and can easily lead to mistrust if a spouse often goes out without wearing it.

But, I think the decision to wear or not wear a wedding ring depends entirely on the couple. For some, objects can hold a lot of meaning, symbolism, and value. Think of an old guitar, a classic car, or a passport full of stamps. And the wedding ring can very much be a symbol of your wedding ceremony and overall marriage commitment.

We attach memories to these things. They become an extension of your past with that object.

So when a spouse suddenly stops wearing their wedding ring, it’s announcing that the meaning behind it isn’t important anymore. But, others still don’t have this affinity for shiny things, the sentimental value of objects, or remnants of the past.

Maybe a wife like this wouldn’t be inclined to wear her ring. She probably wouldn’t mind if you took yours off either.

The hard reality here is that not wearing a wedding absolutely will affect the way people see and treat you and your spouse. Another man might flirt with her a bit more casually. Someone might indicate interest when they might have moved on before.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with these things. This is other people’s behavior that can’t be controlled. But they need to be discussed if you’re going to talk about not wearing wedding rings.

#Ewan #McGregor‘s wife seen without wedding ring as actor is pictured kissing #Fargo co-star https://t.co/Pjd1SMIyJg pic.twitter.com/6NO25amzxY

— Jenkers News (ENG) (@jenkers_en) October 23, 2017

Does taking off a wedding ring mean they are cheating?

No. Not wearing a wedding ring, or taking it off sometimes, in and of itself, is not a sign the spouse is cheating. It can be one sign amongst others. But by itself, the assumption of cheating is way too premature.

It’s a classic cliche in pop culture.

A man steps into a darkened nightclub. He chats up a young, attractive woman, has a few too many. He decides to slip off his wedding ring under the table or moves it to his right hand and make a terrible mistake.

Let me ease your mind and say again that no studies currently link not wearing wedding rings and cheating. So it’s not the first tangible sign of an affair.

But, anecdotal evidence all points to this as a typical behavior in a troubled relationship. A married woman not wearing her ring definitely can be a sign that something is off. And left unchecked, it could lead to an affair or divorce.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not too late to turn things around.

Luckily, I get into how to rekindle a marriage in a recent article. And it’s not just a dry list of tips. It’s actually what I did to save my marriage after my wife left me in 2013.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Bur rather than assuming that not wearing her ring is a sign of cheating, the first thing is to watch for other changes or suspicious behavior:

• Spending less time with you
• Lack of romance 
• Few or no displays of affection
• Changes in sex life
• Lack of intimacy
• Wandering eyes
• Sudden changes in schedule
• Renewed interest in working out or appearance
• Use of phone late at night or early in the morning
• A new hobby or similar excuse to be out without you

It’s important to keep your cool and not automatically assume your spouse is cheating if her wedding ring is off.

The best thing is to communicate first and ask why she didn’t. There could be a completely understandable reason. But, if her answers are vague, overly defensive, or highly reactive, try to be aware of the list above.

My Wedding Ring Upgrade ❤ #dreamring #WeddingRings #diamonds #wedding #jewelry pic.twitter.com/dkfahpj3f2

— Mikala Hutchinson (@justkissthegirI) February 20, 2018

How do I get my wife to wear her wedding ring?

You can’t make your wife wear her wedding ring if she doesn’t want to. But you can explain why it’s important to you, what the ring means to you and what you believe it says about your marriage for her to not wear it.

Assuming that it’s not foul play, your wife might not place as much importance on wearing her ring as you do, and it could be an innocent oversight.

While you can never force this issue, communication with your spouse is the best solution here. Try to listen to her hangups about the ring and make her understand your perspective, too.

Clearly and honestly communicate how not wearing her ring makes you feel.

Ask questions to understand why she does this. And be sure to listen to the answers and validate her thoughts. Let her know how she feels matters to you, too. After all, there could be a number of answers here.

Don’t accuse or imply that she would do any of these things. Explain that it’s human nature for these rogue thoughts to come up, independent of the person wearing the ring.

If, for whatever reason, she won’t always wear her ring, try to reach a compromise.

Are there some situations where you’d prefer she wore it? Maybe there are certain triggers (parties, family events, work functions) that make you uncomfortable. Share these and see if you can find a solution.

In the case of an outright refusal or saying yes and going back on her word, something more serious might be the underlying issue.

If you’re worried, please read my recent article. In it, I detail other signs your wife might be thinking of leaving for good.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

No jewelry is more important than your wedding ring. Trust the professionals at Steven Rose https://t.co/N4fFnZHqGN pic.twitter.com/bdsT1dWbOP

— Steven Rose Jewelers (@JewelersRose) September 20, 2017

Am I being insecure in my relationship?

Whether you are being insecure in your relationship depends on your history and tendencies. Was insecurity, possessiveness, or jealousy a pattern in previous relationships? Do you suffer from low self-esteem or a lot of anxiety?

Ultimately, you know your spouse better than anyone. And more importantly, you know yourself better than anyone.

All of these might mean you’re prone to overreacting here. If honest and open communication with your spouse is not easing your concerns, it might be time for extra help. Continuously confronting a spouse about an issue that doesn’t exist absolutely can cause friction in a relationship.

So proceed with caution if you know this is one of your habits.

Before a potentially damaging confrontation, get an outside opinion. Talk to a close friend or, ideally, a therapist. While I’m pretty confident these days, I know I was a clingy guy in the early stages of my marriage. Luckily, I’m not now, and I detailed my journey in a recent article about How to be Less Clingy in a Relationship.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

With that being said, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, and all evidence genuinely points to something awful, trust those instincts.

Keep in mind that not all cases of infidelity end in a separation.

I’m living proof of that! Even if it is the worst-case imaginable, check out my recent article to see how to save your marriage after one of you has an affair.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Takeaway

It’s not a good feeling to realize your wife isn’t wearing her wedding ring. Good reasons for married people not wearing them seem few and far between. So, make sure to take this realization as a great chance to reconnect with your wife.

At the end of the day, all good marriages take work. Check out my recent article to learn how to succeed despite how hard it may be. I cover why being hard doesn’t have to mean bad.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Don’t jump to the worst conclusion, keep your cool, communicate honestly and fully. It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s cheating or looking for a new life. Do all of these, and she’ll surely remember why she put her ring on in the first place.

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