Save Your Marriage

Tips on how to stop divorce, save your marriage, and get your broken marriage back on track. The advice stems from my decade of marriage, countless marriage counseling sessions, and taking my marriage from the brink of divorce in 2013 to great.

Is it OK to Cheat if You Are in a Sexless Relationship?

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It can happen in almost any relationship. You reach a point where the sex just drops off to nothing. But our need for sex stays the same generally. If that’s where your relationship is, is it ok to cheat if you are in a sexless relationship?

It is definitely not OK to cheat on a spouse even if there is little to no sex happening. That does not mean just accepting a sexless relationship. But an affair could potentially destroy the relationship. And even an undiscovered affair will leave the cheater riddled with guilt.

And if children are in, it will damage them for years to come.

Ultimately, there’s just no excuse for cheating. The right way to handle the situation involves being clear, direct, and kind with your partner. You don’t have to settle for a low or no-sex relationship. But it’s crucial for the relationship and your own mental health to address it the right way.

But there’s a lot more to say about affairs, sexless marriages, and whether or not an affair will destroy your marriage. So let’s look at some follow-up questions everyone trapped in a sexless marriage might have.

Is it ok to have an affair if you are in a sexless marriage?

It’s never OK to cheat on a spouse, even in a sexless marriage. It will always be better for the marriage and the mental health of both spouses to first try and fix the underlying issue. If the spouse can’t or won’t change, despite repeated attempts, then divorce is a better option than an affair.

There is no justification for cheating, ever. I say that, not proudly, as someone who did cheat on my wife back in early 2013.

I was also cheated on in a previous relationship. So I’m in the unique position of understanding both sides of the coin.

People who do use a sexless marriage as justification for cheating often point to the spouse withholding sex as being equally guilty of harming the marriage.

I’m not sure I completely disagree.  Intentionally withholding sex for an extended period of time is an incredibly damaging thing to do to the person you supposedly love the most.

But as I look back to the time I cheated on my wife in 2013, I told myself a number of reasons and excuses why what I was doing was OK.

But in the end, I had to admit that there was nothing my wife was doing or not doing that justified it. My actions were a complete betrayal of our marriage vows. It destroyed her trust and faith in me. It also could have potentially irreparably damaged our family.

In short, as the saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right.

Whatever the issues in your marriage, cheating is not the answer. Remaining in a sexless marriage isn’t the answer either. So as we go further into this article, we’ll explore the solutions to that.

One thing my wife and I did in 2013 after deciding to stay together after my affair, was dedicating ourselves to rekindling our marriage. That came right on the heels of my wife saying something devastating.

She said while she still loved me, she wasn’t sure she was still in love with me.

I wrote about everything we did to turn our marriage around in this article which includes the 1 thing that really made a bigger difference than anything else.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

A sexless marriage can survive. But, unfortunately, the success rate for a sexless marriage is much lower it is for other marriages, and the overall divorce rate is already 50%. So rather than accepting a sexless marriage, the couple should work together, with a therapist if necessary, to fix the issue.

Recent data tells us that 15% of all marriages are sexless. By “sexless” I mean couples that haven’t had sex in at least 6 months and don’t have sex more than twice a year).

Having been married twice and in serious long-term relationships an additional 2 times, I can tell you that it’s normal for the frequency of sex to ebb and flow.

Life happens, careers grow, stress increases, and if you add kids to the mix, that creates a whole other scenario for cutting into our sex life.

If you then add on top of all that any underlying childhood issues tied to trauma, neglect, or abuse, then those things will make your sex problems even worse. Ironically, for those who suffered abuse as a child (physical or emotional), the sex drive often decreases as a relationship gets more serious.

But if you’re wondering specifically as to the odds of a sexless marriage surviving, I recently wrote an article that dives into that fully, including the surprising statistics for that leading to divorce.

So just click that link to read it on my site.

How to survive a sexless marriage without cheating

If you are in a sexless relationship, here are the steps to take to save your marriage and avoid cheating:

  • Think about the big picture – this is especially important if you have kids
  • Celebrate the things about your marriage that are strong
  • Focus on appreciating your spouse for who they are
  • Talk about your feelings, but avoid blame or expectations of your spouse
  • Seek marriage counseling – even on your own if they won’t go
  • Talk about the issue openly & honestly but without accusations
  • Avoid putting yourself in situations where you would be tempted to cheat – avoid meetups with co-workers and bars
  • Talk about other sexual activities your spouse might be OK with aside from intercourse – after all, there are a lot of things couples can do together for sexual pleasure

Cheating is a choice. And luckily for us higher-brained primates, we can make a different choice any time we want to.

If you’re thinking about cheating because you’re in a sexless relationship you have 2 problems that need to be dealt with:

  • Curbing your desire to cheat (and eliminating compromising positions or places)
  • Fixing your sexless marriage for the long-term

If cheating is something you’re actively considering or are even talking with another person about, just take a moment to consider all the ramifications.

The affair could certainly lead to divorce. If you have kids, it will destroy their world. But it also destroys you. Because in the aftermath, only the most heartless and socio-pathic won’t feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

With any big decision you’re facing, think about how it potentially alters your life 5-10 years down the road. If you see no impact on your future years from a decision, then just make it.

But if you see some huge potential downsides, as you would with an affair, then it’s worth not making a rash decision.

It’s also not worth putting yourself in compromising places (like at a bar after work with attractive co-workers). It’s certainly a bad idea to make a decision under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

So change your routine after work, take a break from drinking (my wife and I both quit for about 3 years around the time of my affair), and even stop hanging out with certain friends who might be a bad influence.

Focus on being the best version of yourself and then set about fixing the real problem in your marriage.

If you or your spouse is wondering if you should stay married after an affair, I dove deep into this topic in a recent article where I outline exactly how to figure that out and I got some surprising answers from 6 noted marriage experts.

Just click the link to read it now on my site.

How do I revive my sexless marriage?

As for your sexless marriage, this is ultimately the real issue.

It’s very unlikely your marriage has always been sexless. So what you need to do now is figure out what changed and how to fix it.

It’s crucial though to avoid:

  • Making accusations to your spouse
  • Guilting them into having sex
  • Making them feel bad about themselves

After all, this is the person that supposedly means the most to you in this world and something is wrong. So why wouldn’t you want to address is in a kind loving way that lets them know you support them?

So ask questions and avoid making grand statements.

Do let them know how you feel. But focus on your feelings and not on what they are doing to cause those feelings. If you let them feel safe they won’t be on the defensive. Then they will be more apt to talk to you about what’s really going on.

Why people choose to not have sex with their partner varies, but some of the top reasons include:

  • Not feeling attracted to their partner anymore (which could be tied to hygiene, significant weight gain, or a general lack of attention to appearance)
  • For men, it could definitely be erectile dysfunction. That’s incredibly embarrassing for guys to talk about or admit, so avoiding sex is definitely a way some guys deal with it
  • For women, it could be hormonal changes or feeling bad about their body following childbirth. Of course, it goes without saying that immediately after birthing a child, for at least 6 weeks, women will not want to have sex. So guys do need to be understanding there.
  • For some, the partner withholding sex may be having an affair themselves. It’s not the most common reason by far, but sometimes the spouse not having sex IS having sex with someone else. But don’t assume this is the reason unless you are seeing other signs of it.

If you have already cheated once, but you and your spouse are working on fixing things, rebuilding trust is crucial!

I recently wrote an in-depth article that goes over all the steps you need to take to prove you won’t cheat again, including the 1 mistake almost all cheaters make in trying to rebuild trust.

Are infidelity rates higher when your wife won’t sleep with you?

Infidelity rates don’t tend to increase because of being in a sexless marriage. About 15% of couples are in a sexless relationship, and cheating occurs about 20% of the time, more with men than women. But that need to cheat is driven more by culture, testosterone levels, and ego more than a lack of sex at home.

Now we’ll look at the infidelity rates of sexless couples. But first, let’s first understand how many people cheat in relationships, to begin with:

  • 10-15% of women cheat on their spouses
  • 20-25% of men cheat on their spouses

As we mentioned above, about 15% of all couples are in a so-called sexless marriage or relationship.

Ironically though, the data doesn’t seem to support the idea that someone in a sexless relationship might cheat more.

Dr. Kenneth Rosenberg, addiction psychiatrist and the author of the book ” Infidelity: Why Men and Women Cheat” (click the link to see it on Amazon) notes the following as the biggest reasons men and women cheat:

  • Biology – specifically higher levels of testosterone or those more impacted by their dopamine reward system
  • Psychology – Narcissistic, ego-driven, thrill-seeking, and self-destructive behavior patterns
  • Culture – While men cheat more than women, Rosenberg notes “Women who are more educated are more likely to cheat” and he goes on to note that more women in the workforce today compared to prior decades has caused a 50% increase in cheating among women.

In a recent article, I compiled an amazing list of all the Infidelity Recovery Statistics, so check those out and see what your odds are.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Final Thoughts

In this article, we took a look into the world of adultery and cheating.

Specifically, we explored sexless relationships and how that might be a reason some people cheat. And we looked at whether a lack of intimacy was justification for having an affair.

Ultimately, we answered the question is it ok to cheat if you are in a sexless relationship, with a resounding no. Cheating is never justified.

Living in a sexless relationship isn’t the answer either, but as they say, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. So if you’re trapped in a sexless relationship, just know that the answer is NOT to have an affair. And if you just can’t fix things, have the decency to end the relationship instead of cheating.

But the answers ARE out there!

If you’re in a sexless relationship, how long has it been that way and why?

If you like this post, please follow my Save Your Marriage board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top relationship experts!

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Do Spouses Who Ask for a Divorce Sometimes Rewrite History?

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I’m in the middle of a separation that my wife asked for. And I’ve noticed that sometimes my wife says things about our past that are either untrue or greatly exaggerated. So, do spouses who ask for a divorce sometimes rewrite history?

It is not uncommon for spouses who ask for a divorce to rewrite the history of the relationship to be more negative than it really was as it helps them to justify to themselves and friends and family as to why they want to divorce.

But it’s often not that they are lying.

No, many times, they actually come to believe the re-written history. My therapist calls it a false narrative. But essentially, it’s a spin on the truth that favors the person doing the re-writing.

In my wife’s case, every little bad thing I’ve ever done has been brought to the surface and greatly exaggerated. And the many good times we’ve had are pushed down or completely forgotten.

The end result is she feels like a victim of a terrible marriage.

And in truth, that’s just not how our marriage was the majority of the time. To be sure, we have both done a few really bad things in our marriage.

I cheated on her in 2013 for a 2-month period, and I acknowledge that is one of the worst things I could have done. And she struggled with alcoholism for the first 5.5 years we were together and did things repeatedly that broke trust.

The difference is I don’t base the entirety of our relationship on the bad times.

And as I said to her yesterday, I believe we are both good people who have occasionally done bad things. And that is totally different than a bad person who does bad things.

What does rewriting history in a relationship mean?

When a spouse rewrites the history of a relationship, they skew, exaggerate, or even fabricate details of the relationship to make themselves a victim. They tend to downplay their own role in the demise of the relationship and greatly exaggerate the role their spouse played in the decline.

And every time they tell the story to their friends and family, they come to believe it more and more.

So it’s not even really that they are lying, although much of what is being said isn’t really true verbatim. It’s almost like they are brainwashing or hypnotizing themselves.

Believing they are somehow a victim of their spouse makes them feel less guilty and more justified in their decision to leave the marriage. It also makes it a whole lot easier when they tell their friends and family about why they want a divorce.

In short, it helps them save face and embarrassment at the expense of their spouse.

Why is my spouse rewriting history?

A spouse will rewrite history to portray themselves as a victim in the marriage so that it is easier to justify to themselves and others as to why they want a divorce.

In a way, it’s totally understandable.

In my case, my wife and I had been married almost 15 years when she asked for a divorce completely out of the blue. Our marriage didn’t seem perfect to me. But it didn’t seem broken either, and certainly didn’t seem beyond repair.

I’m not going to go into details of our marriage and why she asked for a divorce so suddenly. But you can read our story (my perspective, obviously) in a recent article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But I began to notice shortly after her announcement that many of our so-called mutual friends no longer were reaching out. And then when we eventually started going to therapy together (she refused at first), things even came out in therapy that I knew weren’t 100% accurate.

So I began to suspect that history was being rewritten to make her seem more like a victim when I don’t think of it that what whatsoever.

And eventually, my suspicions were confirmed by some mutual friends who became uncomfortable listening to what they knew wasn’t really true. Or at least not the whole picture.

What do I do if my wife wants a divorce and I don’t?

In short, there is nothing 1 spouse can do to stop another spouse from filing for divorce. But not moving out, not signing anything, and remaining positive and focusing on being the best version of you that you can be will create the best odds for them changing their mind.

So in short, don’t focus on trying to change your spouse’s mind.

That will seem needy and desperate (been there, done that). And while it’s true you may well feel needy and desperate, those aren’t attractive qualities and aren’t likely to win them back to you.

Instead, as counter-intuitive as it might seem, focus on yourself.

If you found yourself overweight and out of shape, get back in the gym. If you’re always tired and stressed, go to bed earlier and take up yoga or meditation. Get a hobby, and start hanging out with friends more.

Just make sure they are the right friends. As renowned speaker Jim Rohn says:

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

What I mean by that is that if most of your friends are single or divorced, drama-filled, and struggle with drugs or alcohol, that’s not really what you need right now.

Find people who are happy, successful, and well-balanced and spend more time with people like that. I’m not saying cut out your old friends if they fall into that first bucket.

But they will naturally have a tendency to bring you down to their level instead of you bringing them up to yours (or where you want to be).

How often do ex-wives ever regret divorce?

Women regret their decision to divorce 27% of the time in marriages that were relatively healthy and free from physical abuse. Comparatively 32% of men come to regret their divorce if they asked for it.

(source)

So roughly a 3rd of all couples come to regret the decision to divorce.

In my case, my wife is both proud and stubborn and has skewed the history of our marriage to make her more out to be a victim. So only time will tell if she later comes to realize the truth or if she stays with that false narrative.

But I doubt she’ll change her mind prior to the ink drying on the divorce decree.

But I’d like to think that eventually, she’ll begin to remember all the great times we had, all the many ways I supported her dreams (and she mine) over the years, and all our amazing adventures.

In our case, my infidelity in 2013 is one of the reasons she cited although not the top one.

And I truly thought we had worked through that years ago. She even had us renew our wedding vows once we got past that. But here we are well over 8 years later.

But I did work really hard to make up for my affair and the tremendous damage it did not only to her but to myself and our kids.

In a recent article, I detail all of the steps I took to rebuild trust following the affair. Just click that link to read it on my site.

In our case, I really don’t think the affair is a large part of her reason for wanting the divorce.

As a family, we had all been through a lot in the prior year and a half, and there were some traumatic things that happened that were outside our control.

But trauma is trauma and it affects everyone differently. But I know that, combined with turning 40 and not being quite where she wanted to be career-wise, were big factors in what could best be described as a mid-life crisis or breakdown.

You just have to acknowledge the problem and be willing to work on it.

How do I know if my wife is having second thoughts about divorce?

A wife who begins to question whether she really wants a divorce or not may ask to go to marriage counseling when they had previously refused. But they may also not push for finalizing agreements, will become nicer to be around, and may begin to initiate sex or affection.

In my case, I don’t see these signs.

While it’s true she did ask to go to marriage counseling after initially refusing. But she claimed it was only to work on trust and communication as co-parents.

And I believe that.

I don’t think there’s any part of her that is reconsidering. But for those of you out there seeing one or more of those signs, let’s examine them in greater detail.

1. Asking for marriage counseling

Marriage counseling usually, by definition, is designed to help couples work through past issues so they can start to have a healthier marriage.

If your spouse is bringing up wanting to go, even if they had previously asked for a divorce, and even if they have moved out, this is a great sign they are having second thoughts!

But don’t go unpacking her suitcase yet.

She may be wanting it to see if she’s justified in leaving. In short, she’s unsure. But we don’t know the percentage of that uncertainty. So take it slow.

Continue to focus on improving yourself.

But by all means, go to marriage counseling with her! Not sure how much it costs, or exactly what they do?

Luckily I have a recent article that explores all of that in great detail. I even get into all the different types of therapists and what all those letters mean and how to pick the right one.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

2. Delaying the divorce proceedings

Assuming your wife is the one who asked for the divorce if she has noticeably slowed the pace of everything that is a sign she might be reconsidering.

Maybe she hasn’t filed yet and keeps putting it off?

Or maybe she had planned to move out and hasn’t yet? Or maybe she hasn’t even gotten an attorney or sought legal advice.

In any case, take that as a possible sign she might be beginning to doubt herself.

But take it slow, don’t rush things, and focus on being the best version of you that you can be. Even if she later files and the divorce becomes final, you’ll be better off having improved your own physical and mental health.

3. Becoming more affectionate or nicer

This is tricky, as my wife did initiate sex once a few weeks after asking for the divorce.

Maybe she was seeing if that would change her mind or “fix” things. I know at that time I was still being too needy, clingy, and desperate, and none of that is attractive, masculine, or what a woman really wants to see in a guy.

But if you see some consistently nicer behavior towards you, going out of her way for you, or an increase in asking for hugs, those are all good signs.

I’ve seen those things, but not consistently.

And then sometimes she’s angry, or unreasonably jealous over things she has no business being jealous over. So I’m not reading into anything.

But if see a consistent upward trajectory, that’s a great thing and could be a sign she’s reconsidering.

Final thoughts

Divorce sucks. I’m now going through it a 2nd time (and won’t get married again).

And this time I have 3 amazing kids involved who don’t deserve the turmoil and upheaval in their lives this is and will continue to bring.

In my case, I’m doing my best to ride the wave, and try and be compassionate and understanding with my soon-to-be ex-wife. But it’s challenging when my wife’s behavior gets erratic and she paints herself falsely as a victim.

I no longer have any illusions that she will change her mind about the divorce. But I know there will come a time when she regrets it or at least regrets how she went about it and handled it.

And all that being said, I know I became complacent in our marriage and took her for granted. I (and she too) became so focused on our kids that we weren’t focused on our marriage.

And I, as the husband, should have been more in the driver’s seat of making her feel special, planning date nights, and treating her the way she deserved to be treated.

To be sure there were signs leading up to her request for a divorce that I should have paid attention to but didn’t. But our marriage wasn’t terrible. And many times it was great, no matter what her history book now says.

Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20.

Image by un-perfekt from Pixabay

Why is My Wife Never Happy No Matter What I Do?

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There is nothing worse than seeing your wife sad or upset. And it’s frustrating when she’s like that seemingly all the time. We all go through bouts of unhappiness, but have you wondered, “why is my wife never happy no matter what I do?”

An unhappy wife may feel that she has more on her to-do list than what is fair for the marriage. But she may also feel a lack of respect from her husband, particularly if she is not consulted on big decisions. Finally, she may feel she has to compromise too much on her goals while supporting her husband’s goals.

Ultimately, your wife is responsible for her own happiness.

But if she suffers from low self-esteem, body image issues, anger, or depression, you can be there to guide and support her when she needs you.

Sometimes it seems like anything we do just doesn’t help.

In this article, you’ll find everything you need to know about helping your wife find happiness again.

Let’s get started.

wife never happy lg

What do you do when your wife is not happy?

A husband cannot make his wife happy. But he can help her understand what the root problem is and help support her in addressing that. Listen more than “fix”, empathize, and be caring and supportive.

The truth is that you can’t make your wife happy. You don’t have the power to make her happy or unhappy. Only she can do that.

But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost.

You can and should listen to her and try to understand where your wife is coming from. Listen closely without dismissing her or defending your actions.

Try to understand why she’s not happy and give her time and space to work through it. If you aren’t sure why she’s unhappy, ask her! Talk to her about it. Try to put her unhappiness in your own words. This is validating for her and shows that you really care about her feelings.

While you can set the stage for happiness, you can’t make her be happy.

It is completely normal and healthy for couples to have small fights every day in a relationship. It’s not the frequency of your fights, but it’s how you fight that makes the difference.

Read this recent article to read about how some behaviors can damage your relationship and lead to divorce.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

Is my wife sabotaging our marriage?

A wife may unintentionally sabotage her marriage if her childhood was chaotic. While she knows chaos isn’t healthy, there is comfort in the familiar. So, sometimes we create drama or do damaging things as it feels familiarly comfortable.

Sabotaging behavior actually creates problems out of nothing in an attempt to ruin a relationship.

If your wife is constantly picking fights or paying more attention to her phone than she is to you, she could be sabotaging the marriage.

She may be secretive, critical, or even simply not taking care of herself.

She may ignore your perspective entirely during disagreements. For example, if you suggest that she watches her spending and immediately snaps back about your season football tickets without hearing you out first, that could be a problem.

She may be overly sarcastic or doesn’t connect with you on a daily basis. Is she actively avoiding you, or is she just really busy at the moment?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t let these behaviors torpedo your marriage. 

Talk to her openly about what you’re seeing and try to get to the root of the problem. Don’t try to make the relationship work all by yourself. A one-sided effort can’t improve a problem-plagued marriage.

Don’t be aggressive or defensive, but approach her in a way that is caring and comes from a place of genuine concern.

Don’t let her assume she knows what you are thinking. Be clear with your thoughts and needs, too. Don’t leave any room for interpretation.  A relationship takes two people to make it work. You should never be alone in keeping your marriage afloat.

What makes a woman unhappy in marriage?

Financial worries, feeling neglected, not getting enough support on housework, and arguing too much are just a few of the things that make wives unhappy. But if she is a stay-at-home mom, that can sometimes leave women feeling unfulfilled as the children get older.

Women give everything to make relationships work. Oftentimes, at the expense of losing themselves.

The problem is that they often expect the same from the men in their lives. So when husbands don’t do as much, or when they don’t appear to care as much, it can cause frustration.

High, even unrealistic expectations, along with financial worries, arguing, or drinking excessively, can really make a woman unhappy.

While you can’t do anything about her expectations, you can look inward to see what you can change.

Could you do more with the kids? Are you working together to tackle that debt? Can you stop drinking as much? These are all things that you can control and change if necessary.

Simply spending more time doing regular household chores can show that you are really trying. If you really want her to be happier, show her through your actions.

Maybe your relationship has just lost the passion that used to be there. 

You can restore your marriage by taking 100% ownership of your mistakes. Know that being happy is more important than being right.

Just read this recent article to see how setting aside a little time every week to connect without kids, phones, and other distractions can restore intimacy in your marriage.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

There, I provided tips to improve your marriage that doesn’t require a ton of time, energy, or money.

How can I make my miserable wife happy?

You alone cannot make your wife happy or unhappy. But if she is miserable, start by listening and asking her how you can help. If she has issues with you, avoid getting defensive and try to understand her perspective.

So, be the catalyst that helps her reach happiness.

It’s normal for us to feel unhappy and alone, even though we love our spouses deeply. It’s not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with the marriage.

The number one thing you should do is communicate.

Many spouses find joy simply in being listened to. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything she says, but she should be your focus when she’s talking.

Put away the cellphone, leave work behind, and listen with your full attention.

You can also be attentive to the little things she enjoys. Make her coffee in the morning, or stop by her favorite bakery while you’re out running errands. Send her texts just to let her know you’re thinking about her.

These little things go a long way in making people happy. 

Express interest in her thoughts and feelings. Ask questions about her day, and then ask follow-up questions. And divide up the household labor. Actually listening to her and following through with her requests will help her feel heard and understood.

If you are already doing all that you can to ensure the marriage is as communicative and loving as possible, there may not really be anything you can do.

If the source of her unhappiness goes beyond the every day, or seems to never ease up, suggest she see a counselor. Sometimes we just need an objective third party to talk to.

What does every wife need from her husband?

Along with contentment, security, and stability, a wife needs to feel like her husband is always on her side. He doesn’t need to always agree with her, but they need to operate as a supportive, caring, and attentive team.

Women aren’t that mysterious.

They need the same things men need. They need to feel a sense of contentment. They also need security and stability in a marriage.

Security in a relationship doesn’t just mean physical security. Yes, they want to feel safe with you, but wives also need financial security and emotional security.

You need to be financially responsible. You need to have a good head on your shoulders, and you need to be there when she needs someone to talk to.

Then, you actually need to listen.

Wives need to know that they can trust their husbands. You need to be where you say you are going to be, and you need to be honest about everything.

Sometimes, wives may even need a confidence booster. It can be hard to see your wife in pain, particularly if that pain stems from low self-esteem or confidence issues.

Everyone struggles with confidence issues from time to time. Sometimes it seems like all of our love, compliments, and sweet nothings amount to exactly that: nothing.

Just read this recent article to find everything you need to know about giving your wife more confidence, ending the self-deprecating questions, and even how to help her realize just how great she truly is.

Click the link to read it on my site.

What do you say to an unhappy wife?

Acknowledge that your wife is unhappy in a caring way. And listen attentively while she explains what she is unhappy about. Avoid the urge to “fix” the situation, and also avoid getting defensive. She may just need to feel heard.

If your wife has expressed that she is unhappy, whether through actions or words, the most important thing you can do is talk to her.

Your wife wants to talk to you, but more than anything, she wants you to ask.

Gently ask her what’s going on. Tell her that you are worried about not only her but the relationship.

Obviously, you’re worried. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. So tell her that you’re concerned about how things are going and that you’re worried about how unhappy she’s been.

Then, really listen to what she says.

If she points out your deficits, keep a lid on your defensiveness. Instead, try to see things from her point of view. I’m willing to bet her complaints are not completely unfounded.

Tell her you will do better. But don’t just tell her, actually do better.

Ask her what she needs from you. Be sincere and kind. If you feel like you have unmet needs, try to put them aside, at least temporarily. Once her needs are met, she’s more likely to meet your needs in turn.

If your wife is quick to anger, her unhappiness comes from a deep feeling of exhaustion or frustration in the marriage. She is not feeling heard or supported by her husband.

To read more about why your wife gets so angry, check out this recent article. Sometimes anger is easy to understand. But sometimes women bottle up little things, and then collectively, over time, they grow to something big, and then she’ll explode.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

What is walk away wife syndrome?

Walk away wife syndrome is when your wife suddenly stops complaining, even though nothing has changed. She may be ready to walk away from the marriage. Simply put, she has given up on you and the marriage.

You know all the things your wife complained about? You weren’t romantic enough, you never helped wash the dishes, you didn’t help with the kids enough?

Have you started doing any of those things? Has your wife stopped complaining? If your answer is no, but she has suddenly stopped complaining, she’s probably thinking about leaving the marriage.

You may think that it’s a good sign that she’s not complaining anymore.

But it’s really not. This just means that your wife no longer thinks it’s worth trying anymore. She’s just done. She’s checked out of the relationship.

Other signs of Walkaway Wife Syndrome include throwing herself into work, caring more about her appearance, or emotionally distancing herself from you.

She likely won’t go to marriage counseling and doesn’t talk about therapy at all. She’s hanging out with her friends more than planning a future without you.

At the end of the day, wives will end their marriage due to walkaway wife syndrome because they feel emotionally neglected and have given up on the marriage.

Final Thoughts

If your wife is perpetually unhappy, dig deep for the source.

Is it because she’s feeling emotionally neglected? If that’s the case, you need to take a look at your own behavior. If not, it could be that she is suffering from depression or low self-esteem. If she is suffering from an actual mental health disorder, help her get the necessary help.

Ultimately, she is responsible for her own happiness. But you should ask yourself what you can do to help point her in that direction.

Why Does My Husband Put Work Before Me?

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It can be lonely when the person you love the most puts his work before your relationship. Logically, we know that we need food on the table, a roof over our heads, and money for bills. But eventually, a lot of wives ask, “why does my husband put work before me?”

For husbands, men are often raised thinking that career and salary are the most important ways to support our wives and family. This is even truer when he perceives a strong need for material possessions coming from his wife.

Ultimately, your husband’s career goals aren’t the problem.

The problem is that your husband is choosing to prioritize work over family. When your husband puts work ahead of the family, it can ruin a marriage.

But it doesn’t have to ruin your marriage. In this article, we’ll explore the reasons why your husband is working so much and what you can do about it.

Just keep reading!

woman wife girl people female glasses background

What is more important, work or family?

Family should always come first in a marriage. However, it is important to strike a balance as work and careers can bring both financial benefit and a sense of fulfillment.

If your husband just started a new job, his excessive working could just be because he is trying to prove himself to his new coworkers.

Take time to assess the situation before you criticize him about it.

As a new employee, he may simply want to earn the respect of his coworkers. So just hang in there and cut him some slack. It should ease up within a couple of months.

If this is a pattern, and he’s been missing out on family events, breaking promises, or keeps you waiting because of work, he is simply not making family a priority.

If this is the case, you should talk to him about it.

Approach him gently and respectfully, though. Don’t nag him or antagonize him. Remember, he probably loves his work. He’s put tons of energy into his job and receives a lot of satisfaction from it. So be mindful of this when you talk to him.

And many of us guys grow up believing our #1 job is to be the provider and protector in our family.

Use “I” statements when you approach him. Say things like, “I want us to spend more time together.”

You can also just explain how it makes you feel, saying something like:

“When you spend so much time at work, and away from me, it makes me feel unimportant or that your job is more important than I am, and I am left feeling lonely.”

Have a plan in place to help him work less and spend more time at home.

And let him know that his presence is more important than the money he brings home. But remember, you can’t deliver that message while also expecting that nice new car, and that extraordinary house, and the finest clothing.

That sends a very mixed message.

Can working too much ruin a marriage?

Working too much can absolutely ruin a marriage. Missed family activities, broken promises, and simply neglecting the marriage can create resentment, loneliness, and bitterness. That can lead to either divorce or an affair.

It’s great when our spouses are fortunate enough to really love their work.

They put tons of energy into their jobs and get a lot of personal satisfaction. That job pays the bills, pays for vacations, vehicles, and all of your other material possessions.

But what it doesn’t get you is time.

If your husband’s job keeps him from attending family gatherings regularly, it can ruin a marriage. So can promising to quit and not doing it.

Or standing you up, or simply not being mentally present, even though he’s physically there.

But there are studies, like this one published in Human Relations, that suggest that partners actually compensate for working too much by prioritizing the time they do have with one another.

So the good news is that working too much doesn’t necessarily have to ruin a relationship. Essentially, it depends on the couple.

Most couples understand that the early years of a relationship require a lot of work. While a relationship is an important part of life, career and life goals are also important. They complement the relationship.

But if it never slows down, it can become problematic.

If your husband is working so much that you feel neglected or lonely, you may start to wonder if he still loves you at all. And that is understandable.

There are several ways to know for sure that your husband still loves you. Being physically affectionate and taking an active interest in your life and your friends is one. Also, if he’s still making eye contact and making an effort in the bedroom.

Those are all good signs that point towards love.

To read more about how to tell if your husband still loves you, read this recent article. After all, just working a lot isn’t a symptom of something bad in and of itself. But when that is combined with a few other things, and 1 in particular, that can be a really bad sign.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

How do I deal with an overworked husband?

Help an overworked husband cope by listening to him. Engage with him and empathize. Avoid nagging or criticizing him, but do suggest activities that can help, such as outdoor physical activities or small weekend getaways.

Even if your husband is able to leave the office, he may bring the stress home with him.

Home should be a sanctuary from work. But, sometimes, even if your husband can leave his projects and worries at the office, it’s not easy to leave the stress at the office.

This can cause stress to rub off on you.

If you’re both stressed, it can snowball into other parts of the marriage. It starts to feel overwhelming and never-ending. What he doesn’t need when he’s feeling stressed is you piling more stress on him by complaining about how much he’s working.

What he needs from you right now is support.

Be more patient and give him more grace than usual. If he’s just in a season of being overworked, understand that this will pass. Right now, he has little capacity to work on other things.

Be kind and recognize that he needs encouragement.

Tell him that you are proud of how he’s handling things at work. Commend him for making hard decisions, and recognize what he’s good at. We all battle feelings of self-doubt, especially when we are exceptionally stressed out.

You can help him overcome these negative thoughts by affirming him.

Finally, be compassionate. Things are hard for him right now. Be willing to be there to listen and to lean on. You’d be surprised at how a little compassion can help you feel less stressed.

How do you survive a lonely marriage?

Survive and thrive in a lonely marriage by making sure your emotional well-being is not tied to your spouse. While their actions can hurt you, it is not their job to make you happy. Communicate your feelings, but also have friends and activities that support your emotional needs.

Loneliness due to your husband working excessively can be tough to deal with.

There is nothing worse than having a life partner and feeling alone. When your husband is working all the time, you rarely get to spend time together.

This just widens the gap between you and your husband.

In order to lessen the gap and bring your husband closer, you need to communicate with him. Talk to him as often as possible. It doesn’t have to be something life-altering – just tell him about your day.

Talk to him about things that interest him. 

Do small things for him that he will appreciate. Help him with his necktie if he’s struggling. Make him a breakfast you don’t usually make.

Small things can help him feel closer to you emotionally, encouraging him to be home more and work less.

But sometimes, this may not be enough, and his emotional distance may be deeper than just working too much. An emotionally distant husband may be indifferent to activities, rigid, defensive, or overly critical of you.

This can be draining and may feel like he is taking more than he is giving. 

Having an emotionally distant husband doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. Read this recent article for some crucial steps to try to fix your broken marriage.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

What do I do if my husband is a workaholic?

A husband who is a workaholic may be under the false impression that his salary is the most important thing to his wife, so make it clear his presence is more important. But make sure your spending patterns don’t contradict that.

But first, it’s important to understand the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic. If he’s temporarily picking up extra work, then he’s not a workaholic.

But if you find that his downtime is also his work time, there are a few ways you can help him get through it.

Try to see things from his point of view. 

Understand that he may be under a lot of pressure at work and ease up on the nagging. Don’t compare him to other husbands. He may not have as much time to hang with you as your friend’s husband. But consider all of the things he does do for you.

Help him with his calendar. 

Maybe you can find time to do things together—schedule things for him to ease his mind. As long as he agrees and it doesn’t feel like an intrusion to him, it could help reduce some of his stress and remind him to go to those family gatherings.

If you find that he is actively avoiding you, staying out with his friends, or being secretive about his phone, email, and social media accounts, then you have a problem bigger than being a workaholic.

He may actually want a divorce. 

To read more about the signs that your husband wants a divorce, read this recent article. Read about the signs and how to stop them so you can begin fixing your marriage. And there’s 1 sign that leads to divorce 99% of the time.

Just click the link to my site.

Do men think that working and providing financially is their #1 job?

While it is less common for men to be the sole breadwinner, most men do see providing financially to be their #1 job for their family. And they often confuse that with really being there for their wives and children on a physical and emotional level.

According to a recent study, it has become less common for dads to be their family’s sole breadwinner. But that doesn’t mean they don’t feel pressure to provide financially for their families.

76% of men feel pressure to support their families financially. 49% of men feel pressure to be an involved parent.

Furthermore, men feel more pressure than moms to get back to work soon after the birth or adoption of a child. So, even if your husband wants to be around more, he likely feels extreme pressure to provide financially.

Make it clear to your husband that it’s his presence you need, not his paycheck.

If you are financially stable, there’s no need for him to keep putting in extra hours. But as I’ve said, make sure your actions, and particularly your spending and financial choices, don’t contradict that.

If you’re constantly expecting new cars, fancy homes, and lavish vacations, you are reinforcing the belief in him that he has to excel at work. And that will always lead to longer hours.

Explain that you need him at family gatherings and to be there to watch the kids grow up.

How do I tell my husband his presence is more important than making money?

Let your husband know how his absence and long hours make you feel. But avoid accusations or blame. Work together on the household budget and make a realistic plan together that balances all of the family’s needs.

Then make sure your spending choices are aligned with him not working more than necessary.

Be open and honest without being defensive or judgmental. Express your appreciation for all his hard work, and praise him often.

Remember that in most cases, your husband is doing the best that he can.

Chances are he loves his job, and he’s worked hard to get where he is. Try to understand this so you can come from a place of compassion instead of frustration.

When you do approach him, don’t do it when he’s had a particularly bad day, when he’s stressed, or during an argument.

Wait until you are both relaxed and bring it up gently. 

Make sure you have a plan in place. Are all of the debts paid off? Do you have an emergency fund savings account built up? Are you able to do the things you both want to do without wondering if you’ll be able to pay for it?

If you’ve answered yes to these questions, it’ll be much easier to convince him that you need him home more than you need his paycheck. 

If you feel like your marriage is fizzling out due to more than financial reasons, it may be time to rekindle that spark.

You can rekindle your marriage by making sex a priority, appreciating your husband without expectation, and simply spending quality time together.

In this recent article, I dive deep into the world of stale, boring, and even broken marriages.

Just click the link to read it on my site, where I will walk you through all the best steps to rekindle your marriage when the love has faded.

Final thoughts

Work can bring a great deal of satisfaction to our spouses.

But it shouldn’t come at the expense of the relationship. When your spouse comes second, it is a recipe for disaster. It’s okay to tell your husband that you need his presence more than you need his paycheck. But try to see things from his point of view.

Don’t nag. Be compassionate and use positive reinforcement to help him.

Photo credit: https://pixabay.com/photos/woman-wife-girl-people-female-72111/

Why Does My Husband Put His Family Before Me?

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As a wife, your husband is likely the first person you first turn to when you need advice or have any news to share. And it can be frustrating if you’re not the 1st person he goes to. Many wives have ended up wondering, “why does my husband put his family before me?”

A man puts his family before his wife either when he has an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship with his parents, or he feels a lack of trust or connection with his wife.

A husband’s strong relationship with his parents can nourish and positively impact a marriage to see its longevity.

However, when boundaries are weak, and a man’s wife is consistently put on the back burner, it can prove to be a significant hitch in the marriage.

In this article, we’ll discuss why it’s important for you to be each other’s priority. We’ll also talk about why your husband may not be putting you first and what to do about it.

Fighting a little more often than usual?

You might wonder if it’s healthy or normal to have so many arguments. In my recent article, find out why arguing every day might be the best thing for your marriage.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

The young family and mother-in-law in family issues concept

Who comes first in a man’s life, mom or wife?

A man should prioritize his wife above his mother. This doesn’t mean that the parent’s needs and wants don’t matter. But the relationship with a spouse should be the most intimate and important one in a man’s life.

In other words, you should be your husband’s priority.

When your husband puts his mom before you, it can make you feel neglected and unimportant. This is often a big reason that relationships fail.

Of course, he should love his mom, but he also needs to set healthy boundaries. If healthy boundaries aren’t in place, it can make it impossible to form a full attachment to you.

And in order to have a solid foundation for the family that the two of you are making together, there needs to be a complete, unbound attachment to one another.

This means you are your husband’s number one priority.

The two of you should be each other’s trusted confidant, advisor, and best friend. That’s what marriage is, and that’s what you deserve to feel.

How do I handle my mama’s boy husband?

If your husband is a mama’s boy, speak honestly about how his actions make you feel. Don’t be accusatory or critical. But be clear about your needs, expectations, and boundaries.

When a man has an immature relationship with his mother, boundaries are essentially nonexistent. With no boundaries in place, he will oblige to her every request. He’ll run errands with her, take her to the store, or have lunch with her every time, or almost every time, she asks.

It’s natural for a man to care deeply for his mother. 

After all, she is the first woman to ever love him. She’s sacrificed a lot for him and has taught him how to treat women.

But as a boy matures into a man, his relationship with his mother should also mature. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

If you find that your husband has a hard time letting go of his mom, it’s important to speak honestly with your husband about your feelings. If you are feeling neglected or like you aren’t a priority, talk to him about it.

Be honest, but don’t be confrontational.

It could simply be that he is having a hard time showing his loyalty to both you and his family. Assure him that you are not against his family. You don’t want to isolate him; you just want to make sure there are healthy boundaries in place.

Be clear with your expectations. Suggest ways that he can help you feel more appreciated without placing blame.

It’s important to remember that you are a team, too. Don’t put your husband in a situation where he has to choose between you or his mom. And don’t pick fights in front of his family.

Remember that he is still his mom’s child.

It’s only natural to be drawn to allow our parents to take care of us. But when we get married, we shouldn’t rely so heavily and exclusively on our parents for support and comfort.

If you find that things have been strained between you and your husband, you probably have some work to do.

Find out just how to do that in my recent article about rekindling your marriage! In it, I walk you through the exact steps I took in 2013 after my wife left me.

Here we are now, years later, happier than ever.

What is an unhealthy mother-son relationship?

An unhealthy mother-son relationship can be one where a husband relies on his mother to make decisions for him or where his mother is overprotective and hasn’t learned to let go. In either case, she manipulates him, and he allows it out of guilt or codependency.

If your husband has always relied on his mom to make all of his decisions for him, it may be difficult for him to break out of this pattern. An adult son should not need his mother’s input before making decisions.

This is particularly true if it’s a decision that affects your family. 

If his mother is still your husband’s number one priority, that is a big red flag that the relationship isn’t a healthy one.

A close bond between a mother and son is very important. But there is a line between being close and being too close. Some mothers and sons go over that line.

When that bond between mother and son is too strong, the mom may have a hard time letting go. Mothers are fiercely protective of their children, and they should be.  Mothers provide a secure base from which children and explore and develop. 

But if mom can’t let go, especially when it comes to her adult child, then it becomes an unhealthy relationship.

What to do when your husband doesn’t make you a priority

If you feel like your husband doesn’t make you a priority, communicate clearly how his actions make you feel. Avoid nagging, picking fights, or being critical of him. Let him know what you need. Avoid ultimatums, but be clear about what is unacceptable.

How we approach these issues can shape the results. You can either get what you want or more of what you don’t want.

So the first thing to do is to recognize how you’re feeling and why.

And then have a clear, thoughtful discussion about it. Don’t jump into the conversation, starting with a complaint. Communicate in a manner that uses “I” statements. 

For example, “I miss spending time with you” or “I feel lonely when you spend every Saturday with your mom.”

If you’re doubting yourself and feeling insecure about your relationship, it’s okay to seek reassurance about that, too. But again, you have to tell him.

He’s not a mind reader and shouldn’t be expected to just know how you’re feeling.

Simply saying, “I’m feeling less important, and I need reassurance from you that I’m still your number one,” is a genuine way to ask for what you need without whining.

If you’ve tried this, and your insecurities go beyond just not being a priority, then maybe you’re wondering if he loves you at all.

Wondering if your husband loves you can be hurtful and complex.

It’s not just feelings, but it’s actions, too. Oftentimes, it is made up of little things. He’s thoughtful and considerate, he sends you sweet text messages, or he simply asks about your day.

But if you just feel like something is off, it can be difficult to identify exactly what that is.

To read more about how to know if your husband still loves you, read this recent article. Honestly, we men aren’t that complicated. Sometimes we aren’t clear in our communication. But there’s 1 sure-fire way to know.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

What to do if your in-laws are ruining your marriage

When in-laws are ruining a marriage, keep a healthy distance between you and them. Do speak to your husband about what you are seeing or hearing but be respectful when they are around and don’t bad mouth them to your husband.

But if he puts them before you, you have a marriage problem, not an in-law problem.

Your priority is your husband and your marriage. If your husband is close to his family, it is crucial to have a civil relationship with them.

It can be normal to be annoyed by your in-laws, just like any other family member. But at a minimum, there should be mutual respect.  Ideally, your in-laws should feel like family.

At a bare minimum, you should respect each other. But sometimes that isn’t always possible. 

You and your husband must display a united front. Have a calm discussion with your husband and discuss how to handle your mother-in-law.

Be willing to compromise, if necessary. 

Try not to disagree with your husband in front of your in-laws. Doing so could provide an opening for them to pick at your relationship.

The bottom line is that you two need to work together.

A husband and wife should be an unbeatable, inseparable duo. If your marriage appears to have even the slightest rift, it could provide fuel for the in-laws to pick apart your marriage.

Is separating from my husband because of my in-laws a good idea?

Separating is rarely a good idea if saving the marriage is the goal, even with overbearing in-laws. Communicate clearly how his and their actions make you feel. Be respectful and seek out marriage counseling before deciding to separate.

Ultimately, a recent study from Ohio University found that a whopping 79% of couples who separate end up divorcing.

So don’t separate if you plan to save the marriage.

Couples do divorce because they can’t get along with their in-laws, especially when they feel a lack of support from their spouse in helping them set boundaries.

One finding of a 26-year longitudinal study of married couples is that marriages last longer when the husband reports feeling close to his in-laws.

Interestingly, and conversely, that same study showed that when women are close to their in-laws, they are more likely to get divorced. (source)

So it could actually be a good thing if you aren’t particularly close to your husband’s parents. 

Luckily, divorcing due to the in-laws are low on the list of reasons for divorce. So, if not getting along with your in-laws is the only reason you’re considering divorce, no, it’s not a good reason.

But I imagine if you are considering divorcing your husband, your reasons go beyond your relationship with your in-laws.

If you’re feeling neglected or like your marriage isn’t a priority, you may start to wonder if your husband wants a divorce. 

While it can be hurtful, it’s important to look at your marriage objectively. If you can do this, you’ll notice that there are some tell-tale signs your husband wants a divorce.

He may noticeably avoid you, stay out with his friends more than usual, or he may be more secretive about his phone, email, and social media accounts. 

But those are just a few signs to look out for. Just read this recent article to learn the signs your husband wants a divorce. But more importantly, I’ll show you how to stop it so you can begin fixing your marriage.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

Why does my husband let his family disrespect me?

When a husband allows his family to disrespect his wife, it could be that he just doesn’t realize it’s happening, is too cowardly to get involved, or even that he is afraid of his mom or dad. But it can also be because he also lacks respect for his wife.

Ultimately, it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship with both you and his parents.

We all want to feel protected by our spouses. We get married to start families of our own, and it’s important to feel united with one another.

Your husband may see the tension between you and his mother, but unless you say something to him, he may think you have it under control.

Or he may not even see it at all. 

He’s likely not going to stand up for you over small things, but if something bigger is going on, he should step in. If you expect him to stand up for you over every little thing, it’s going to cause extra strain on both of you.

It could even cause him to be resentful of you.

So, if you feel like he needs to step in sometimes, have a calm discussion with him about it, away from his family.

It is completely normal for couples to have small disagreements daily in a relationship. But it should never happen in front of people outside of the marriage, especially the in-laws.

To read more about whether it’s normal for a married couple to fight every day, check out this recent article.

The strongest marriages in the world still have conflicts and disagreements. But there’s 1 crucial difference in how they do that compared to couples that end up divorcing.

Just click the link to read it on my site.

Final thoughts

You should be your husband’s number one priority. If you are feeling insecure or like you aren’t important, talk to him about it.

Be calm and non-confrontational but let him know exactly what you need from him. Luckily, not getting along with the in-laws is not a typical cause for divorce.

At a minimum, there should be mutual respect for one another. But communication is always key.

Why Does My Wife Suddenly Want a Divorce?

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I won’t lie. I’m writing this article because I am literally asking myself this question. A month ago, my wife told me out of the blue that she was done with our marriage of almost 15 years. So, why does my wife suddenly want a divorce?

A wife will seemingly suddenly decide she wants a divorce most often because she has grown frustrated and resentful over a long period of time and has given up hope of her husband’s ability to change. Unfortunately, wives don’t always communicate their needs clearly and in a way husbands can understand.

And if you follow the belief of love languages, it’s also easy to see how 2 people with totally different love languages could be communicating with each other but not be understood.

But that’s an oversimplification.

And in our case, there are a lot of issues my wife has held on to that she’s allowed to fester and grow, without really addressing the issues with me. And while she has seen a therapist on and off, she’s never once asked to see one together in the past decade.

So my world is shattered, and I’m just over here trying to pick up the pieces and figure things out.

So if you’re in a similar situation, then join me as we discovered what’s really going on, what to do, and (most importantly) what NOT to do.

Let’s get going.

wife want divorce lg

Why would a wife not talk about problems with her husband before reaching a breaking point?

Many times women believe that a husband should just know what she knows or thinks something should be obvious to her husband because it is obvious to her. So in most cases, a wife probably believes she has clearly communicated issues even if that isn’t really her husband’s perception.

That was definitely true in my wife’s case.

I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve told her “I’m not a mind reader” after she’s said something to the effect of “well, you should have just known”.

She is a Pisces and I am a Virgo/Libra. 

So I tend to be very technical and literal in my thinking and she is very colorful and descriptive, but ultimately vague for the way my brain works.

In our case, she did indeed claim now that she’s wanted to leave me for 2 years.

But bear in mind that during those 2 years, she’s told me hundreds of times how much she loves me (she still claims she does) and how much she can’t live without me, etc.

It’s hard for that to not feel fake or phony to me.

But in her brain, all of it is likely true, and certainly not an outright lie. But to my brain, it’s hard to understand how someone could say and feel all of that at the same time.

She actually asked me yesterday during a somewhat (thankfully rare) heated exchange “what should I have done differently?”

And to that I simply replied:

You could have said to me 2 years ago “Hey, I’m really struggling with our marriage and I’m not sure I want to stay married, and I think we should see a therapist to see if it’s possible to save our marriage”.

And she absolutely should have said that.

And NOT saying that is totally unfair not only to me but also to our kids and ultimately to her also. I deserved the opportunity to hear what she was upset about, and for us collectively to work on those issues.

There’s no shame in walking away after trying everything. There IS shame in walking away without trying or communicating.

But to be specific, her issues center around 2 things I did:

  1. I had an affair that lasted about 2 months which ended in 2013
  2. I procrastinated on getting a vasectomy and she later got pregnant (and we had a 3rd child in 2017)

And if you notice, neither of those events are recent.

You might also notice that on the 2nd issue, I’m pretty sure it takes 2 people to get pregnant. But so far, she takes no ownership of her part in getting pregnant and giving birth to our 3rd child.

Yes, she could have gotten her tubes tied, and yes she could have insisted we not have sex until I got a vasectomy. But she didn’t do those things, and she willingly engaged in sex knowing pregnancy was a possibility.

But as of right now, that’s 100% my fault, and her issue is it delayed her finishing her college degree and embarking on her career.

And those are genuine issues that I understand and empathize with.

On the affair, I know that was 100% wrong, and took many steps to take ownership and earn her trust back following that. And while it took a while, I thought we had genuinely completely worked through it. And we renewed our wedding vows following the affair (at her suggestion).

So I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes, and the affair, in particular, was huge. 

I am saying it’s not fair to bring those up many years later, without having ever mentioned it in recent years, as the reasons you want a divorce.

What is walkaway-wife syndrome?

Walkaway-wife syndrome is used to describe women who walk away on emotionally vacant marriages to emotionally distant husbands. In short, these women leave when they have felt emotionally unfulfilled for a long time and feel like they have communicated their needs without any change.

The term walkaway-wife was coined by journalist Paul Akers who explored why women were filing for divorce so much more often than men compared to previous decades.

If this sounds familiar either as the wife of an emotionally unavailable man or if you know, as the man, that you are emotionally unavailable, then I encourage you to read my recent article on this subject.

I get into not only how to know for sure what the issue is, but also how to fix it, including the 1 thing that fixes the issue 75% of the time.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Walkaway-wife syndrome is not, however, the female equivalent of Wife Abandonment Syndrome which is where men leave their wives, seemingly out of the blue without ever expressing to their wives that they were unhappy or considering divorce.

And then many times they go on to sort of re-write history to paint themselves as more of a victim.

And in my case with my wife, Wife Abandonment Syndrome, or in our case, Husband Abandonment Syndrome, is more accurate.

But if you are a husband whose wife is leaving or threatening to leave because she feels no emotional connection to you, take it SERIOUSLY!

You can change.

You may have been raised to be the strong silent type, or think that your primary role is just to be the breadwinner. Those are common roles men are taught, and I’ve thought that way too.

But, in truth, our wives and our families need a lot more than that.

It’s OK to open up and share your feelings. It is also OK to not feel the need to control everything. In truth, NOTHING is within our control except how we respond to others and situations.

That’s it.

What are signs that your marriage is over?

Some of the clear signs a marriage is over, or at least in big trouble, include:

  • If you or your spouse name-call, belittle, or often yell profanity at each other
  • If each of you mostly spends time away from one another
  • If you have little to no sex
  • If either of you is checking the other’s phone, social media, and/or email
  • If you put them down to other people

But really, until the ink is dry on the divorce paperwork, as Lenny Kravitz says “it ain’t over ’till it’s over”.

And I do believe, and I guess I’ll be putting this to the test in the next few months, that almost every marriage can be saved with the right actions and choices.

Of course, one really obvious indicator your wife is done (aside from her telling you) is her not wearing her wedding ring. If you are seeing or suspecting that, check out my recent article where I go through all the possible reasons for that.

Of course, it could mean she’s done, but it doesn’t have to mean that. Right now my wife isn’t wearing her wedding ring (I am) but there’s 1 sure-fire reason she might not be wearing it that has nothing to do with you.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But let’s explore some of the reasons you might give up on your spouse:

Name-calling and criticism

This behavior is one of the 4 worst behaviors that Dr. John Gottman, the world’s best-known marriage and divorce expert, believes predicts divorce more than any other behaviors, even affairs.

CLICK HERE to read my recent article which details all 4 of those behaviors.

So if you do this to your spouse, and you want to save the marriage (or even if you just want to be a better partner in your next relationship), STOP DOING THIS NOW.

I know your wife can frustrate you.

I know if she’s criticizing you, the temptation is high to want to throw it right back at her. But this isn’t a sport where 1 person wins and the other loses.

If 1 person loses, we both lose.

Instead, simply tell her how her actions make you feel. It’s OK to show emotion, but no name-calling, no profanity, and not putting them down or belittling them.

Simply say “when you (do this thing), I feel (describe how it makes you feel), because (describe the underlying issue).

For example, I might tell my wife:

“When you tell me you want a divorce and that you’ve felt this way for years without telling me, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me at all, because I wasn’t worth your time in having a conversation about it.”

Spending too much time apart

Make no mistake. Couples need some time apart. Spending every minute 24/7 together is going to be smothering; at least for 1 of the people.

People, like relationships, need room to breathe.

You have to have things to talk about when you get home that your spouse wasn’t a part of. However, it’s also a red flag if almost all your activities are doing apart.

So if you and/or your spouse mostly hang out with friends away from one another, you will eventually drift apart emotionally. And then, when the emotional connection is diminished, it’s a lot easier for one of you to find that emotional intimacy with someone else.

Lack of sex

Sex is a huge part of a successful relationship.

And yes it’s true that sometimes men and women’s needs or libidos vary, and children can also interfere, it still needs to be somewhat high on the priority list.

So if sex has gone down to once a month or less, that’s a huge red flag.

But don’t just blame your spouse. It takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to break one. Instead focus on non-sexual things like:

  • Touching without the expectation of sex
  • Helping your spouse to be less stressed by taking things off their plate
  • Listening to them, avoiding the urge to try and “fix” their problems
  • Look them in the eyes when they speak
  • Put the phone down when they walk into the room

Those things all build emotional intimacy, and even for guys, but especially for women, that is HUGELY important towards helping them get in the mood more often.

And if your spouse is avoiding sex or actively withholding it, that’s a clear sign something’s wrong.

It doesn’t necessarily mean they are cheating. But it does mean they are emotionally closed off from you. And that issue will need to be addressed before things turn around in the bedroom.

Spying on your spouse

Almost all of us have done it. We’ve checked our spouse’s phone when they weren’t looking. Or maybe gone on their laptop while they were at work looking for evidence of cheating or other bad behavior.

And I won’t lie. Sometimes you find signs of something inappropriate.

I haven’t snooped like that in years. But I have done it, back in 2015. Once when my wife was on a girl’s trip to NYC, I snooped and found out she had been having long exchanges with her abusive ex.

And in those Facebook messages, while I never found any evidence of actual cheating, I did find an exchange that really hurt me.

She was talking about a song; a song we had on our WEDDING PLAYLIST (UB40’s “Bring Me Your Cup”) and I had to read her describe to him how much she loved that song and how it always reminded her of him.

Believe me that hurt.

But I still shouldn’t have snooped. Yes, what she did was inappropriate, and yes when I confronted her she took no ownership of it being inappropriate. She justified things by saying well at least she hadn’t cheated on me (this was about 2 years after I had cheated on her).

So avoid the urge to snoop.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Judge them for their actual actions and statements and not what you suspect might be going on. Don’t be naive, but don’t snoop.

Of course, I initially snooped as I sensed something was wrong.

And there will be times where you sense something is wrong. But in retrospect, what I should have done is simply tell her how I was feeling. Maybe she would have admitted it to me and maybe she wouldn’t have.

But I would have felt better getting it off my chest, and I wouldn’t have the guilty conscience that comes with snooping. And even if she had admitted the conversation to me, I would still have felt better knowing that she was honest with me instead of snooping to get the info.

A big part of why I snooped was my own insecurities.

Ultimately those have nothing to do with my wife, as they were in me a long time before I met her. But insecurities can kill a relationship.

So if you have insecure tendencies that show up in unhealthy ways in your relationship, make sure and check out my recent article where I detail the steps I’ve taken in my life to work through that.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Putting them down to others

Respect is a huge part of a marriage.

And there’s nothing more disrespectful than trashing your spouse to friends or family. Now that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to your support network when you need help with your marriage. You can and should do that.

But don’t put them down. Don’t call them names, and don’t belittle them.

Remember too that if you can save your marriage these people will later have to be around your spouse and you have now made that uncomfortable for everyone.

Do talk about their actual actions and statements. And then talk about how those things make you feel.

When should I give up on my wife?

Give up on your wife when they divorce you and marry someone else or if they are abusive. But also give up on them if they have a major addiction issue and are unwilling to seek treatment. In almost every other case, it is possible to save the marriage.

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. And in my case, I do genuinely believe it’s too late to save mine.

You want a checklist that if she does “x, y, and z” you can file for divorce and feel totally justified. But in reality, with the right steps, almost any broken marriage can be saved.

It’s not going to be easy, and it won’t be quick.

It takes time to make a marriage great, and it takes time to destroy one. So it makes sense that it will take time to rebuild one.

So be patient, kinds, supportive, and be clear about your feelings and intentions, but avoid guilt trips, pressuring, or pushing them to go faster than they are willing to go.

All that being said, you should decide for yourself how long you are willing to wait.

Sometimes spouses get comfortable in the limbo-state of separation; especially if you are still providing physically or monetarily.

They can lose the incentive to want to move forward.

So you do have to decide how long you’re willing to wait. But for me, as long as there is progress, even if it’s slow progress, I’m good.

It’s also worth pointing out my wife was an alcoholic.

And she was incredibly damaging in the first 5 years of our marriage. Luckily, in the fall of 2012, she decided to stop drinking and was sober for a little over 3 years.

And to her credit when she did return to drinking, it never got to the level it had before her sobriety.

And to my credit, I stuck by her during those years and forgave her long ago despite the immense damage she did. I just wish she would remember my support and love for her when judging me for my relationship transgressions.

What should you not do during separation?

During a separation, don’t engage in any of the following behaviors:

  • Don’t start dating or sleeping with others (especially if there is any intention to save the marriage)
  • Don’t beg, plead, or use guilt or manipulation to try and convince your spouse to stay or come back
  • Don’t make any big life-changing decisions such as moving out, buying large purchases, etc
  • Avoid broadcasting the events on social media

So let me clarify some of those.

Dating others

You are still married until the ink is dry. And if you have any hope of saving your marriage, you need to avoid the temptation of wanting to date someone or even hook up with someone just to feel loved and wanted again.

I get it. Separation sucks. Right now, I feel almost totally unloved.

And because my wife had never told me how unhappy she was (and claims to have felt that way for years), it’s all new to me.

But the last thing I want to do if I have any hope of her deciding to save the marriage is to start seeing someone else. Even if I decide to not save the marriage, until the ink is dry on those divorce papers, it could easily still be considered adultery in the eyes of a divorce lawyer if you start dating or hooking up.

So don’t do it.

Begging and pleading

This one seems contradictory.

You would think if I just show my wife how much she’s hurting me and how much I love her then surely she’ll see that I’m serious and she’ll reconsider.

That is a huge mistake.

And I did that in the first week or so after she told me. But in reality, all people, especially women who like men, like to see significant others as strong and confident.

Begging and pleading make us seem weak, spineless, and insignificant.

But you also don’t want to do the opposite either. Avoid emotional outbursts of anger too. Don’t get me wrong, there will be times when you’re upset or angry about your wife’s decision, and it’s OK to tell her how you feel.

But don’t direct the anger towards her.

Don’t move out

It’s OK if one of you decides to get a small apartment during the separation, but don’t physically move all of your belongings out of the main house unless a divorce becomes finalized and you are following the directions in the divorce decree.

Moving out all the way has a way of psychologically making the separation feel more real and more permanent.

It could also be easy for your spouse’s lawyer to claim you abandoned their client. I also personally think you stand a much greater chance of reconciliation if you are still around one another.

In my case, I simply moved to a different bedroom in the same house.

But also avoid making any other large decisions, such as buying a new car, a lavish vacation with your buddies, or, at all costs, buying a new house.

Remember too if it ends in divorce, the assets will likely be split 50/50, so anything you buy now is potentially up for grabs in a contested divorce.

Broadcasting on social media

I won’t lie. I did this.

Now I didn’t do it to trash my wife, although that is how she took it. I also didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. And I didn’t just share it publicly.

I just created a simple, private Facebook post and shared it with 20-ish people.

But I should have reached out individually to friends who I thought could help or offer advice. Instead, it created a $hit-show of people reaching out to my wife, offering unsolicited advice, or telling her she was a bad person.

Initially when my wife told me, not only was I completely surprised and taken aback, but on that first day she also said she was leaving the kids with me full-time so she could go be alone and focus on herself.

That’s what she said (not only to me but also to our 2 teen daughters). So that’s what I believed she was doing.

Later she changed her mind.

But at that moment, that was her intention. So my post implied she was sort-of abandoning our kids, and it understandably embarrassed her. And maybe she never really meant to say she was leaving and giving me sole custody and was just trying to express the pain she had long buried.

But it was wrong of me to share that socially, even to a small number of people.

I should have reached out individually and sought support and advice. In truth, that may have still created a backlash as people reached out to her. But that would have been the more compassionate way of handling it. I was just so blindsided and distraught, I wasn’t making good choices.

But that’s not a great excuse.

How long should a separation last?

A marriage separation should last a minimum of 2 months but a maximum of 6 months. After 6 months, the chances of reconciliation go down significantly, particularly if the couple is not living under 1 roof and especially if they are not in the same city.

And separation is not really a good choice for those wanting to save the marriage.

The reality of it is, if one of you moves out, the chance of saving the marriage go down dramatically. According to DivorceStatistics, a whopping 87% of couples who separate end up getting divorced.

So don’t physically move out if you can help it.

Right now, I’m sleeping in a different bedroom in our house. And yes, I could have insisted she move since I didn’t really do anything “wrong”. But again, this isn’t about keeping score.

I’m trying to understand, support, and empathize with the most important person in my life.

And I don’t understand everything she’s feeling. I don’t know why she felt this way for years and never brought it up. And yes, not bringing it was incredibly selfish and unfair.

But it is what it is.

I can try and get even and lose my marriage, or I can put my ego aside for the greater good. I won’t allow myself to be taken advantage of. But I also don’t need to get back at her for perceived slights either.

Is there hope for my marriage after separation?

Until a spouse has remarried or died, during separation, and even after divorce, there is always some hope for saving a marriage. The key is to not engage in behaviors that push them away, and also to work on yourself mentally and spiritually.

So yes, there is definitely hope, although probably not in my case at this point.

If your spouse will go to counseling together, that’s even better. My wife was willing to go briefly but always insisted it was never to reconcile and just to work on our communication.

While I would never want to give anyone legal advice since I’m not qualified, I will tell you what steps I am currently taking:

  • I did not contact a lawyer
  • I am focusing mostly on making myself the best me I can be
    • I began meditating daily (again)
    • I began walking daily
    • I began working less so I was more engaged with her and our kids
  • I am avoiding begging, pleading, or getting angry at my wife
  • But I am also not ignoring her; I’m communicating little things in small ways on an ongoing but not pestering basis
  • I respond to her messages quickly, but rarely initiate conversations about anything serious
  • I am mentally focused on today; I’m avoiding trying to think about what the future holds
  • I am avoiding listening to well-meaning friends and family – they often tell you to lawyer up or try and screw over your spouse thinking they are being supportive of you.
  • When we do have tough talks, I focus on describing how I feel – no accusations, name-calling, etc
  • I am avoiding jumping to conclusions – I give my wife the benefit of the doubt on her actions and focus on what I actually see and hear
  • I have no expectations of my wife – I am trying to accept her and our situation exactly as it is and just take things 1 day at a time

I’m also going to admit that all of those are a work in progress and not something I’m perfect at doing.

The way I see it, the most important person in my life is hurting. And in my case, a lot of her hurt really has nothing to do with me, and so far she’s been slow to accept responsibility for the actions and choices that she has made that have led us to where we’re at.

But she’s in pain nonetheless.

So I’m focused on caring for her, supporting her, and being there for her, but only in ways that help her and feel comfortable. And I’m trying to not do anything that could make her feel pushed or pressured.

Can your wife fall back in love with you?

A wife can definitely fall back in love with her husband, even after separation, affairs, or other damaging behaviors. It will take time, but love is simply an emotionally intimate connection paired with some common values and interests. It can be rebuilt almost as easily as it was initially built.

But that doesn’t mean it will be quick or easy, or possible in some cases.

Right now, my wife is emotionally guarded. OK, who am I kidding, she’s always emotionally guarded and rarely lets me or anyone else in. But I’m probably one of the few people that she has let in over the years.

So I have to be patient.

And even though I haven’t really done anything “wrong” in our marriage in years, I do have to earn her trust back. Why do I have to earn her trust back if I haven’t done anything wrong?

Well, again, it’s all perception.

I did have an affair. And some of her alcohol-fueled behavior in the first 5 years of our marriage caused me to be paranoid which sometimes showed up as needy or controlling behavior on my part.

But she always downplays her alcoholism (despite willingly going to AA after she quit), so in her mind, my actions related to her drinking weren’t warranted.

Now while the affair only lasted 2 months and ended over 8 years ago, that did break the trust. And with my wife, her parents, the most important people in her life at a young age, repeatedly let her down and weren’t there for her emotionally, physically, or mentally.

So she learned at a young age to never trust people.

So even though my affair was a long time ago, she’s struggled to let go of the pain and to trust me again, despite me making a lot of effort to win her trust back.

If you have cheated and your wife is struggling to trust you again, make sure and check out my recent article about the steps I took following the affair to rebuild trust. There was 1 thing that was absolutely crucial.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

So, here I am now, in many ways feeling like I’m having to pay for a crime all over again that I already paid for. But I’m willing to do it because my focus is not on keeping score, but on helping her heal.

And even if we never mend our relationship, I do genuinely want her to heal.

Should I ignore my wife to get her back?

To win your wife back after separating or if she’s simply considering divorce don’t ignore her. But also don’t beg, plead, or get angry. Instead, avoid all types of communication that could potentially push her away. 

So don’t ignore her or bombard her. Find that delicate balance in between.

It’s tricky, I know. You think that if you just tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you, she’ll see it and feel it and want to work on things.

Or you think ignoring her, the absence will make the heart grow fonder.

Ignoring her will ultimately make it seem like you don’t care and that you’ve moved on. It can reinforce the ideas in her head that you aren’t the one she’s supposed to be with.

So, in reality, neither of those work very well.

But do communicate with her. But in most cases, don’t communicate about the current state of your marriage unless she brings it up.

Instead, focus on small topics without a lot of emotional weight behind them, such as:

  • Things pertaining to your kids (if you have kids)
  • Financial questions (budget, payments, etc)
  • Household questions (car maintenance, yard maintenance, appliance repair, etc)

And then, once those questions are answered, avoid using the opportunity, to dig into the state of the relationship.

All that will do is make her feel pressured. And since that perceived pressure is coming from you, it will reinforce the idea that you aren’t who she wants to be married to.

Is sleeping with someone while separated adultery?

Sleeping with another person while you are still legally married is considered adultery and could be used against you by your spouse’s lawyer. The only instance where that might not be true is if you have a legal separation agreement, and this is specified in that agreement.

But really if you want to sleep with other people, why not just proceed with the divorce.

And if you have any hope of saving your marriage, having sex with someone else is definitely NOT the answer. And beyond that, any attempted relationship is going to just be a rebound, and very unlikely to last.

Right now, I have NO desire to be with anyone else.

I just want to be happy, and healthy, and provide a good life for me and my kids. And yes, at one time, I also wanted to save my marriage. But I can’t wave a magic wand and make that happen. So I have to be patient, kind, supportive, and caring. But I have 1 thing on my mind, and it’s NOT seeing other people.

And I know the pain of separation; I’m feeling it as we type.

I know you just want to feel loved again; to be held, to feel affection, and yes to have sex. But right now is not that time. You instead need to focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be.

And don’t do that for your spouse; do it for you.

And hopefully with some time, and possibly marriage counseling, that will win your wife back. But even if it doesn’t, it will set you up for a better relationship down the road.

So no sleeping with other people. No texting your ex, no strip clubs, etc. 

All those things will do is create doubt, and drama, and cause you to continue to make careless or wreckless choices that can further erode the chances of saving your marriage.

So what am I doing now to save my marriage?

In short, I’m not actively trying to save my marriage.

I know that sounds odd. But hear me out. I’m mostly focused on myself and really being the guy I want to be. Mentally, physically, and emotionally strong and available.

She sees the changes, no doubt.

But I’m not doing it for her. I’m doing it for myself. And I’m not broadcasting it or bragging about it. I’m just trying to be my best self every day for everyone in my life.

And, then it’s also important what I’m trying to avoid doing:

  • Getting angry
  • Begging or pleading
  • Pressuring her to make a decision
  • Doing anything sneaky
  • Being nosey
  • Overstepping my bounds

For example on the last one, I rarely initiate texts, and if I do they are short and benign and not about anything serious. But I absolutely respond quickly if she texts me.

I also don’t try and be physical or hug her.

But I’ll gladly accept those things if she offers. In short, I’m showing her I respect her where she’s at, and her comfort level. And that changes almost daily.

We went a while where she hugged me every day. But she’s only hugged me once in the past 8 days as of this writing. We even had sex once since she originally told me she didn’t want to be my wife.

Confusing signals for sure.

But right now if I tried to initiate those things it could easily push her away. So for the sake of her feeling safe and feeling that I’m trustworthy (which I am) I have to let her be in the driver’s seat.

Not for forever, and not to my detriment. But for right now.

Final thoughts

In this article, we examined a dark and lonely place.

It’s a place I’m currently in that I never thought I’d be in. A place where my wife told me on April 27th of this year that she “can’t do this anymore”; meaning our marriage.

We explored what to do to try and save the marriage and what not to do. But we also looked at all the top questions you’re likely to have, and what the chances are of actually saving your marriage.

It’s a tough place, a lonely place. That’s especially true if the announcement came as a total shock and surprise as it did for me. My wife apparently had been feeling this way for years. She just never bothered to tell me.

And yes, that’s selfish and not fair, but it is what it is.

If I want to save my marriage, I can’t focus on the past; I have to just focus on the present and being the best me that I can be. And if that’s not good enough for me, there’s nothing I can do about it.

How To Make My Wife Appreciate Me – 13 Proven Tips

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Almost all married couples hit a wall a few years in. Life, kids, careers, and routine can make almost anyone start to feel taken for granted. I’ve felt that way too and wondered how to make my wife appreciate me.

Here’s what I did to fix that:

  1. Do little things for her without wanting anything in return
  2. Learn about her love language and how to communicate with her
  3. Appreciate her for who she is
  4. Drop your expectations of who you think she should be
  5. Ask yourself if you’re just being insecure
  6. Don’t jump to conclusions about her behavior
  7. Talk about your feelings (without accusations)
  8. Be 100% accountable for your role in the situation

But that’s just a quick snapshot of the solution!

Below, I not only answer a few related questions, but I’ll share with you 17 specific tips on how to turn things around and get the two of you reconnected.

Let’s get into it!

How do you get your partner to appreciate you?

To get your spouse or partner to appreciate you more, start doing little things for them without expecting anything in return, but avoid being too clingy or needy or seeming desperate.

But there are several things you can do to get your partner to appreciate you.

First, I have to make it clear that this isn’t about a narcissistic or egotistical plan to be adored. It’s about being in a relationship and feeling underappreciated.

When you have been in a relationship long enough, especially in a marriage, it’s easy to take our partners for granted. Married people oftentimes fall into daily routines that even the simple gesture of making your husband or wife breakfast or coffee is taken for granted.

However, overlooking the small things people do for each other doesn’t mean the relationship has gone bad.

We all get wrapped up in our daily lives that it is nice to be reminded once in a while that we are loved and appreciated.

How do you handle a wife who takes you for granted?

If your wife routinely takes you for granted, start by telling her how it makes you feel. Avoid accusations and focus on your feelings. It’s also important that you aren’t putting your own feelings of insecurities on her.

So, first of all, you have to ask yourself, “Why do I need to feel appreciated?”

You should do nice things for someone because you genuinely want to. No one should do things for anyone, especially for their partners, and expect something in return.

It’s natural to want to feel appreciated. Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate your presence in their lives.

With that being said, you should not be in a relationship if you’re looking for constant validation for everything you do for your partner.

As I have said earlier, it is easy to fall into the daily grind of life and forget that you and your wife chose to share your life with each other.

Are you happy?

And if so, are you happy with yourself and who you are whether or not your spouse is in your life? In my recent article, you can check out the signs a man is being clingy.

Just click that link to read that on my site.

When a person is happy and secure with who they are and aware of their value, that feeling of worth will radiate. People can see and feel it when you are genuinely happy with yourself. It’s easy to draw people to you this way rather than forcing them to realize your worth.



Now, here are my 13 tips on . . .

How to get your wife to appreciate you more

1. Do little things for them regularly regardless of whether they return the favor

Whether it’s little things like making the morning coffee or a nice breakfast in bed, do things for your partner without expecting anything in return.

This goes without saying that showing your appreciation through both small and big gestures in any loving and healthy relationship is essential for both partners to receive and extend.

Regularly showing your partner that you appreciate them will show them how much they mean to you. You don’t have to make grand gestures every day. If they truly love you, they will adore everything you do for them, even the smallest things.

Depending on what your wife likes, doing something like getting them flowers or their favorite treat will surely hit the spot. Make them remember that the small, everyday things can be special.

For anniversaries and other relationship milestones that need to be celebrated, this is when you can go all out. For example, ask your partner to plan your next getaway with you. Not only will it strengthen your bond with them, but it will also give you both something to look forward to.

2. Avoid having expectations and just appreciate them for who they are

When you and your wife got married, do you still remember what made you choose them over other people? Do you still think about those reasons to this day?

Do not fall into the trap of idealizing your partner and putting them on a pedestal.

You have to love them and accept them for who they are. Having expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, but they have to be communicated to your partner.

These expectations should also be reasonable for them to achieve.

Appreciate them for their role in your life. If you put too much expectation on them, you will find yourself disappointed.

People change as they age, and as the years go by, relationships change as well. Remember that even you aren’t the same person that you were when you first got married. What matters for the both of you is how you have progressed within your marriage.

Remember that you got married so that both of you can grow together and build a life together.

3. Give them the benefit of the doubt (avoid jumping to unfounded conclusions)

Do not automatically expect the worst just because you are feeling unappreciated. Remember that it is normal to feel some kind of disconnect in any kind of relationship.

Couples can get caught up on work and other familial responsibilities that they sometimes forget to spend time with each other. Before you assume the worst, step back and assess the whole picture.

One of the things that you might worry about is if your wife wants to leave you. Is there even a reason to assume that, to begin with?

In my recent article, I talk about the signs if your spouse is getting ready to leave you. Jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst can and will reflect badly on you. But there are some definite warning signs to be on the lookout for.

Just click the link to see all of those signs on my website.

4. Try and remain positive

It may sound hard to remain positive during this time, but it will benefit you to remain positive. This goes back to what I was saying about knowing your worth.

It’s not healthy to anchor your well-being and happiness on one person. Being able to self-soothe is an important skill that you can use as an adult.

Do not lean on destructive behaviors such as consuming alcohol or drugs to soothe your worries. Instead, focus on productive activities.

For example, you can work on a personal project, relax and listen to your favorite music while enjoying a cup of tea, or even treating yourself to a relaxing massage.

It is important to remember that there is nothing wrong with feeling negative emotions.

All of us have them. It means that we care enough that we get upset when things seem to have gone wrong.

5. Learn about different love languages (hers is likely different than yours)

Do you know your partner’s love language? The five love languages were developed by a marriage counselor who devised a simple analogy about how people show their love and want to receive it in different ways.

The five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation

Does your partner love hearing how much you love and appreciate them? People whose love language is words of affirmation can feel the most love through words.

Acts of Service

Does it mean a lot to them when you do things for them, whether it’s helping them out on a task or doing something for them as a surprise?

People whose love language is acts of service feel most loved when their loved one is making big and small gestures for them as well as giving it.

Receiving Gifts

Does your partner love it when you give them gifts, whether they’re simple or extravagant? People who prefer this love language will appreciate and feel very much loved when receiving gifts from their loved ones.

Quality Time

Does your partner prefer spending time with you, whether just relaxing on the couch at home or going on some exciting adventure with you? When someone uses quality time to express their love, time matters over everything else.

Physical Touch

Do they love massages, holding hands, kisses, and/or intimate moments with you?

If your partner’s love language is touch, then you can connect with them through touch. It doesn’t have to be sexual or turn into sex. Physical touch can be intimate without turning into anything sexual, proving the depth and strength of a relationship.

Whether or not you believe that the love languages are real and accurate, wouldn’t it be nice if you and your wife knew the best way to show your love for each other?

6. Tell her how you feel (but avoid accusations)

If your wife’s love language is words of affirmation, chances are communication is very important to them. It will mean a lot to them if you tell them how you truly feel.

Your partner is not a mind reader, and the only way they would know for sure how you really feel is if you are honest about your feelings. Find a good time to sit down and talk to them without any distractions. You can try and plan a laid-back day for the both of you and be straightforward about your intentions.

Make sure you approach them with caution and be careful not to come off as accusatory.

It won’t work in your favor if your wife feels like you are accusing them of something. Be calm and use gentle words when communicating your feelings. Being honest to your partner doesn’t mean you have to sugarcoat your words.

7. Is she over-worked and can you lighten her load?

Is your spouse swamped with work? If their love language is acts of service, you can do many things for them.

It’s inevitable to neglect quality time, especially with married couples who are working hard to create a good life for their spouse and their family. Have you noticed that your wife has been so busy lately? If they are working and have children, it’s expected that kids and work are their top priority.

Even if they’re just small things like running simple errands or picking up a chore or two, helping your spouse in whatever way you can to lighten their load can make a difference.

As I have said earlier, communication is important. Sit down with your spouse and have a conversation with them. Ask them what they need and what you can do for them.

Be sincere and follow through with the things you say you’re going to help them with.

8. Touch and be romantic without the expectation of sex

If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, you can try to be romantic with them by offering massages or whatever their preferred physical connection is.

Respect goes both ways, especially with anything physical so make sure that boundaries are being respected from both sides. Listen to your spouse and don’t do anything that they have said no to.

This doesn’t have to be sexual. In fact, it’s best if you approach this in a non-sexual way. Enjoy each other’s presence and physical touch without having it turn into sex.

Make your wife know that you appreciate her and value her in other ways other than someone you have sex with.

Even just cuddling with them while watching a movie or putting your arm around them while walking can make an impact. If they are huggers, they would appreciate random, loving hugs whenever you can spare them.

Be sincere and show them that you love them and care about them beyond the confines of sex.

9. Practice empathetic listening (rather than just waiting your turn to talk)

Earlier I mentioned speaking to your partner about how you really feel. It’s also important to be a good listener. You also need to be willing to listen to your partner as they listen to you.

Establishing a good line of communication is essential in a healthy and loving relationship. But it’s important to be as good of a listener as it is being an effective communicator.

And I don’t mean to say just listen. It’s vital to understand what your spouse is communicating to you about.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions or hesitate to ask for clarification as well if there’s anything you’re struggling to understand. It will not serve you any good if you only listen for the sake of listening.

If you need some more ideas, you can check out tips on how to be a good listener in a recent article.

I get into several simple, actionable tips you can use today to not only make you a better listener but (more importantly) help her feel heard more. And better understood too.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

10. Pull back a little (if you think you might be smothering her)

There’s nothing wrong with pulling back a little bit if you feel like you might be smothering your spouse. Just make sure you don’t instantly become aloof and distant, as that might seem like you’re trying to “punish” her.

Again, communication can also be helpful in this situation as it’s only fair that they understand what your intentions are. Sometimes people who feel smothered can start acting a little differently, but again, communication can mitigate a lot of the guesswork.

Give them space and use that new free time to improve yourself or your household.

You can work on your hobbies, maybe start reading a new book, or even pursue an endeavor that you always wanted to pursue but never had time to.

I also would encourage you to do the same for your partner.

Be supportive, like encouraging them to take up painting if they’ve always talked about wanting to do it and tell them you would love to have their paintings displayed around your home.

This is just an example, but you can do it with other areas of interest your spouse likes.

11. Thank her for what she is doing and be genuinely grateful

Let’s face it, as cliché as it sounds, life has its ups and downs, and being able to share your life with another person can be an incredible experience.

Thank your partner for choosing you and building a life together with them.

Think about all the moments you’ve shared together. Good and bad, be grateful that they were there with you.

If you have children, thank your wife for carrying them and giving birth to them. Be genuinely grateful for their presence in your life. Do they work hard to help provide a good life for you and your kids?

Do you think they’re doing a good job raising your kids? Tell them how much you appreciate what they do. Thank them for it. It also doesn’t hurt if you make it a habit of expressing gratitude to each other regularly.

It’s not hard to do and can create such a huge impact on your relationship.

12. Ask yourself honestly if you’re just being insecure

It’s natural to have feelings of insecurity and jealousy in any relationship.

Even couples in healthy unions go through this. What makes a difference is how you act on those feelings. As I have said multiple times, honesty is important. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself some real and hard questions.

Are you feeling insecure, and if so, what is causing it?

Again, it’s fine to feel this way sometimes, but how are you addressing it? People tend to keep looking for more negative things when they are upset. It might not even be your wife that’s causing these feelings.

It could very well be something external and not connected to your relationship with your spouse but might be influencing the uneasiness you feel around her.

It could be anything from stress at your workplace or something more personal.

See if the problem could be resolved by facing a problem that only you can resolve. Be honest with yourself and observe from within.

13. Have you done anything to damage the marriage and not been 100% accountable for that?

We’re all humans and therefore subject to making a lot of mistakes. In relationships, sometimes, one person may falter. Have you done anything that might compromise your marriage?

Have you been unfaithful to your spouse or even just sent inappropriate texts to a female co-worker? If the answer is yes and you haven’t been held accountable for your actions, something needs to change.

Either the guilt will eat you up slowly and quietly, or resentment toward your partner will keep growing.

You will end up not only hurting your spouse badly, but you will also hurt yourself as well as any children who are caught in between.

If you mess up and want to turn things around, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner.

Accountability is a sign of growth as well as sincerity. You will never be able to be truly happy and content if you and your spouse are not held accountable for your own actions.

If you need any ideas on reconnecting with your partner and rekindling your marriage during this time, check out my recent article.

In that article, I actually share the 15 specific things I did to fix my marriage after I had an affair and my wife was considering divorce. That was 2013, and here we are today, happier than ever!

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Final Thoughts

In any partnership, it’s important to feel wanted and appreciated.

There are several things you can do to make your wife appreciate you. Whatever the reason may be to cause you to feel this way about your wife, communication and honesty are the most important things to remember.

Learning each other’s love languages can also be very helpful in reconnecting with them and rekindling the love between you both.

Getting caught in the humdrum routines of life is hard to avoid, but there are a number of things you can do to make sure that your relationship endures and stays healthy.

Why Does My Husband Hide His Phone? (And What to Do)

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Are you reading this because your husband’s behavior has changed out of the blue, and he is acting suspiciously? Have you specifically found yourself wondering, “why does my husband hide his phone?”.

A husband who hides their phone has something to hide. However, while it could mean infidelity or other inappropriate behavior, it could also be they are planning a special getaway or present for you. There needs to be other suspicious behavior before deciding something inappropriate is happening.

But that’s just a quick snapshot of the problem.

So in this article, we’ll dig a lot deeper into all of the possible reasons a guy might do this. But more importantly, we’ll look at what to do about it.

Have you noticed your husband being on their phone too much?

Is your gut feeling telling you that there’s something off about your spouse’s behavior, especially when you catch them on their phone at weird hours of the night? Do you have access to their phone and social media accounts?

What’s the etiquette on phone privacy pertaining to your significant other?

Is full access to someone’s phone and social media accounts a necessary evil for a relationship to stay transparent and healthy? If you’ve asked yourself some, if not all, of these questions, this article might help you shed more light on your current situation.

Is hiding your phone a sign of cheating?

Hiding your phone is certainly suspicious, and there is obviously something being hidden. But in and of itself, that does not necessarily mean infidelity is occurring. They could be planning a special getaway, buying a present, or may have a medical issue they are embarrassed about.

So the answer is that it can be. But don’t jump to conclusions without additional info.

With the current technology we have with smartphones, it has become so easy to meet people with just the touch of our fingertips.

Dating apps are the most popular and easiest way to meet people.

Temptation is easily accessible to those who are looking to be thrilled. It’s not that difficult to present yourself in a different light on the internet to find more desirable partners.

Dating apps send notifications when you’ve “matched” with someone or when you receive a private message from a potential partner, so one can assume that if your husband is using dating apps without your knowledge, chances are they don’t want you to see these notifications on their phone accidentally.

But it could be because they’re sending inappropriate images and having sexual conversations with another person (“sexting”). They could also very well be in the process of creating their exit plan without your knowledge.

Another reason to hide your phone from your spouse is that they’re talking to someone they don’t want you to know about. Maybe an ex is struggling, and even if they have no intention of trying to get back with them, they are worried about you being jealous.

My wife has a toxic ex who was physically abusive.

I’ve never met the guy but he’ll text her and basically threaten suicide to get her attention. It’s frustrating for me as I just want him out of our life as he doesn’t provide any value to her. But she cares about him (platonically) and doesn’t want to see him or his family in pain.

But, and this is the key, she lets me know when he’s texted and if she needs to make a call.

A healthy relationship requires trust from both sides, and being secretive about your phone is a definite red flag that something is up.

However, hiding your phone from your significant other cannot be the only indication that they might be unfaithful to you.

What are the other signs of a cheating spouse?

The signs of a cheating spouse include not only being secretive with their phone but also clearing the computer search history, spending more time “at work”, and being less affectionate than normal.

In my recent article, I discussed how being secretive about one’s phone and social media accounts can indicate that your spouse may no longer want to be with you.

But there are other signs that you need to look for to be sure, including the 1 surefire way to know for sure they are cheating.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But ask yourself, has your spouse been avoiding you, or have you been so busy with work and tending to your family that they might be feeling neglected?

Men who are faithful and loving to their spouses will always make time to make their wives feel special, even in the smallest of ways.

If all of a sudden your husband stops acting the way he’s always been toward you and there haven’t been any major factors that could cause a shift in your dynamic as a couple, he could very well be keeping something from you.

Has your spouse been spending a lot more time with his friends?

If so, have you been putting forth an effort to spend quality time with him? A healthy dose of independence in any relationship is important.

Is your husband spending a lot of time being “out” with his friends to the point where you barely see him? And does he come home late at night without checking in with you or letting you know where they are or who they’re with?

It is not only inconsiderate, but it shows that he might not care about you as much as he used to.

Is your husband still passionate about being intimate with you, or has your sex life seem to have fizzled out?

Is he acting hot and cold with you without any rhyme or reason?

Men who cheat will usually stop having sex with their significant other because they are getting it somewhere else. Still, there are some men who go the complete opposite when they are cheating and want to have sex, maybe way too much.

Either way, a change in your husband’s intimacy levels could be a sign that they might be unfaithful to you.

Did your husband suddenly start caring about his physical appearance? Many men who cheat on their spouses tend to start working out to get fit and do other things to enhance their attractiveness.

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then chances are, your spouse might be cheating on you.

Is it wrong to check my husband’s phone?

Checking anyone’s phone without their consent is an absolute invasion of privacy. So the only reasons anyone should check a spouse’s phone are if they are showing several other outward signs of being unfaithful.

But even then, two wrongs don’t make a right.

It is crucial to establish boundaries in any healthy and functioning relationship, and sneaking a look at someone’s phone is an easy way to destroy trust.

Cell phones have become such a personal item in this day and age that checking your husband’s phone right away for the smallest things can ruin the trust between partners.

It can also be very detrimental to your mental health.

With that being said, if your spouse has given you multiple red flags that he might be cheating on you and on top of that, he starts being uncomfortable setting their phone down around you, then I think you have all the right to get your answers.

However, keep in mind that there are ways that you can hide your actions on the internet.

If you look at their browsing history and there is nothing, they are probably clearing their history each time or using private browsing (“incognito mode”) to avoid exposing themselves.

In a recent article, I talked about certain possibilities as to why your spouse would want to conceal their online activities and steps you can take to find out what they’re hiding.

Be sure to click that link to read more on my site.

Why would my husband get mad when I want to see his phone?

Checking someone’s phone is an invasion of privacy. If they are guilty of wrong-doing, they will get angry over potentially being caught. And if they are not guilty, they will be mad over feeling falsely accused.

There is no subtle way to go about asking to see your husband’s phone.

Any way you approach this situation will always come off as confrontational. Make sure you are communicating to your husband as to why you feel it’s necessary to check his phone.

Even an honest person may get angry or agitated by this action even if they have nothing to hide.

But if communication has never been an issue with you and your husband, he would be understanding, and this can be a way for the both of you to have a conversation about your worries.

Remember that looking through this website your husband’s phone is an absolute sign that you already have some trust issues with them.

Also, even if they really have nothing to hide, being falsely accused could make anyone angry and potentially refuse to let you see it. That doesn’t mean they are guilty of anything.

You have to be prepared for the possible angry reaction and argument.

Be certain that this is something you are ready to face as a consequence. Asking to go through your husband’s phone carries a serious accusation, and you must be prepared for all outcomes.

Really the only time where it’s appropriate to ask for your spouse’s phone would be following the disclosure of an affair.

At that point, assuming the affair is done and both of you are committed to rebuilding the trust, I think the guilty party should be prepared to live under house arrest for at least 6 months.

That should include being willing to share phone, and all social and email passwords.

What does it mean when your husband locks his phone?

A husband locking his phone doesn’t automatically mean that he is cheating or has something to hide. If he, like so many others, uses his phone not just as a means to communicate with people but also to do business, they may use a password or face detection security to protect their phones.

In truth, in my house, everyone BUT me uses lock screens on their phones. That includes not only my wife but my 2 middle-school daughters too. I don’t ever see that as suspicious.

And I don’t have one on mine mostly because I find it annoying to have to unlock it every time.

Banks and other financial institutions that have secure apps require you to have a lock on your phone in order to use their mobile services.

Your husband could have some sensitive work emails and important documents that can be accessed through his cell phone that would require him to use a lock on his phone.

If your husband is transparent about this, he would have given you his password without needing you to ask for access. But again, you shouldn’t demand his password unless he has a history of affairs or other inappropriate behavior.

And if he’s a repeat offender, you probably have bigger problems.

As I have mentioned before, having an open dialogue about your concerns and worries about infidelity may upset or hurt his feelings.

But if he cares about you and wants to alleviate your worries, he would have no problem being open and honest about his cell phone contents and activities.

Should married couples have passwords on their phones?

It’s not a red flag to have passwords on phones. What makes it worse is a lack of transparency, honesty, and communication between a couple. Or a recent change in the password in combination with other suspicious behavior.

Your husband probably knows you well enough that there might be specific actions and behaviors that can worry you or trigger certain negative emotions.

And this can cause waves in the relationship.

If so, then he will do things to mitigate that from happening. Again, passwords are used not just for privacy but for safety as well.

Most people wouldn’t want a random stranger to pick up their phone and be able to access everything, including personal photos and passwords.

Being clear right from the beginning about boundaries in the marriage and issues that need compromise should always be discussed and communicated early on, even before marriage.

It is one of the best ways to have a strong foundation in a marriage and also a way to share your life with someone without having to lose yourself.

What does it mean if a guy is always on his phone?

Someone who is always on their phones can mean many things, most of which are no cause for concern. It could be business issues at work, following financial changes in the market, or a friend or family member could be having personal problems.

But let’s face it. There are also many people today with cell phone addiction who can’t bear to part with their phones for a long time.

They could be waiting for some important news or following a big game with their favorite team. With all the information readily accessible with smartphones, anyone could be doing a myriad of things with their phones.

But if all of a sudden your husband, who has never been attached to their cell phone, starts spending a lot of time on their phone, it doesn’t hurt to ask them what they’re doing.

It’s not being nosy; it’s being interested.

They could be looking up a tutorial for a project they are doing at home or bidding on an item on a website. If they are, you can offer to help them research or win an item they are bidding on.

A husband who has nothing to hide will never act aloof or defensive when posed with this kind of situation.

My wife is always on her phone. She probably doesn’t even realize it.

She just uses it as a relaxation tool during her brief moments of downtime. But there are times when it annoys me as it’s impossible to be totally present to what you’re doing and who you’re with if you’re constantly on your phone.

But I don’t see it as suspicious. And I do sometimes check-in and simply say “what are you working on?” And that will usually bring her back and be present to whatever we were doing. So this behavior can be annoying for sure. But suspicious? Not unless there are other symptoms going on also.

But what if this behavior persists?

If your husband continues to be on his phone to the point where he is ignoring you when you’re in the same room or spending time with his family, it could be a red flag. And it definitely should be brought up.

Just avoid accusations until you have actual evidence of wrongdoing.

Am I being insecure about my husband hiding his phone?

If your husband has always been loving and trustworthy and there is no history of inappropriate behavior, suddenly becoming suspicious with no additional evidence is a sign of insecurity.

But, feelings of jealousy and insecurity in any kind of relationship are normal.

How would you know if you love and care about someone that much if you don’t have an array of emotions that you feel toward your spouse?

If all of a sudden your relationship turns sideways, it’s important to not panic. Always stay calm and think about what is the logical cause of his behavior?

Because it could very well be a simple case of your husband researching or even planning a surprise for you and the kids (if you have any).

Or it could be that you both have been so busy with work, family, or other things that you have neglected to make time for each other and reconnect. Whatever the reason may be, it’s important to communicate with your husband about the disconnect you feel.

Always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t jump to conclusions and freak out with no evidence to support your conclusion. I have a friend with a jealous and insecure wife. They still live in 2 different houses as they are still somewhat newly married.

One night he went to bed early and didn’t hear her phone call.

She drove over and burst into his bedroom having jumped to the conclusion that he must have been having an affair and intended to catch him.

Instead, she found him sleeping and had a lot of apologizing to do, and probably looked really crazy.

How do I deal with a secretive husband?

When communication ceases, and you’re dealing with a secretive spouse, the best approach is to ask questions and let them know how their actions make you feel. Avoid making accusations and bold statements.

It’s easy to wonder, “is there no hope for us?”

The answer is there is still a chance to save your relationship with him. As I have mentioned before, communication is important.

Why do you think he’s being secretive?

Is he even being secretive at all, or is he just aware that a lot is going on in your lives right now, or he knows that you’ve been stressed out with work or family affairs that he doesn’t want to add to your stress?

In a recent article, I listed some possible reasons for the disconnect between you and your husband and several ways that you can use to rekindle your relationship with your spouse. These aren’t just some random things I found on the internet.

Instead, they are the exact steps I took when my wife mentioned divorce in 2013. Here we are many years later, much happier, and with a 3rd daughter born in 2017.

Just click that link to read all 15 of my tips on my site.

So unless your husband has become abusive on top of being secretive, not all hope is lost. And if there is abuse, you should immediately leave for your own well-being, especially if you have children!

So what does it all mean?

Just because your husband has a lock and password set up in his phone, this doesn’t automatically mean they’re unfaithful.

Modern phones carry a lot of sensitive and personal information that needs to be protected with passwords and even facial recognition in some cases.

People will check their phones nowadays to access the news, especially if there are major events happening. They check sports games that involve their favorite teams, and in some cases, people use their phones to do actual work.

You need to observe your husband’s behavior and see if he is exhibiting other activities that could indicate that he might not be being honest with you.

What else is he being secretive about?

Is it out of the ordinary, or is it something that he usually does, and certain stressors are making you hypervigilant?

You need to check in on yourself to see if you have been busy with work and family that you haven’t spent any quality time with your husband.

Feeling insecure in a marriage or any relationship is normal, but it can fester if you leave it unchecked. Is there a reason on your side that is increasing your suspicions that your husband is unfaithful to you?

When in doubt, talk to your husband about how you feel.

If your husband is honest and isn’t cheating on you at all, he will be willing to talk and be understanding about it.

The chances of your husband being angry and hurt by this are high, especially if they aren’t doing anything wrong, so be prepared for the consequences of this action regardless of the outcome.

Be honest and open about your insecurities and fears.

If your husband truly cares for you and loves you, he will provide you with all the reassurance you will need. An honest man who loves his wife dearly will do everything in their power to keep them from feeling hurt because it hurts them too.

What if he is cheating?

Accountability is key in being successful in healing after a spouse cheats.

Being cheated on is a traumatic experience, and you will be swimming in so many emotions. It will be overwhelming, especially in the beginning, but as with any process of loss and grieving, you will go through stages, and things will get better. Whatever you choose, whether it is simply walking away from your marriage or going through all the motions possible to save the relationship, it will get better.

But cheating doesn’t have to end the marriage.

If you choose to work on your marriage after your husband cheats on you, it is important to establish boundaries and assess where the relationship is headed.

Ask yourself, have you given it your all?

Have you lost yourself and seem to be having trouble finding who you are anymore? Was the infidelity too much of a betrayal for you? Is your husband still exhibiting toxic behaviors? Would you have to give too much in order for this marriage to survive?

And last but not least, is your husband willing to change? You need to answer these questions as honestly as you can. Otherwise, it can lead to a whole new world of heartache.

Open communication is very important in any relationship.

A marriage takes two people for it to work and if you and your husband are not ready to give up on each other after infidelity, then putting in the work from both sides is essential in order to survive a huge marital crisis.

Final thoughts

There are a large number of reasons why you might suspect that your husband is cheating on you.

Whether it’s hiding their phones or ceasing communication in your relationship, there isn’t just one reason as to why a spouse would act a certain way.

A husband who hides their cell phone from their spouse can definitely be a sign of cheating or other shady behavior. However, you can’t just rely on that to make a judgment. It could be other reasons that don’t involve infidelity, such as work-related reasons or privacy concerns involving financial institutions.

However, if you go through your husband’s phone and happen to find concrete evidence that he is indeed cheating on you, then you have to make a decision.

Do you stay or do you go?

Is cheating a deal-breaker for you? For some spouses, it can be the end of a marriage. For some, it is not the end but can be a starting point in figuring out the issues in the relationship.

If you and your husband decide to give your marriage another chance, you should check out my recent article where I advised on ways to heal a marriage after infidelity.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Why Does My Wife Get So Angry?

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Marriage fights are one of the top reasons for divorce. But many couples argue without getting angry. For many husbands, it’s not uncommon to wonder why does my wife get so angry?

Most married women’s anger comes from a deep feeling of exhaustion or frustration in the marriage, and of not feeling heard or supported by their husband.

Based on studies, women are not always angrier than men; they just express it more often.

In this article, you’ll see that the key to helping your wife get over an anger issue is first understanding why this behavior happens.

From there, you’ll learn what you can do about it and some strategies to deal with aggressive communication you can start using right now.

Why is my wife so aggressive towards me?

An aggressive wife is often one who doesn’t feel heard, respected, or understood. They may feel they have communicated their needs clearly and lovingly without results and now feel they have to be more aggressive for their message to be received by their husband.

But an aggressive communication style can actually have a few underlying conditions for why they are happening. Let’s take a look at each more closely.

Aggressive communication style

In a normal disagreement, both people come together and focus on the problem at hand.

Their points and opinions revolve around the issue and are never jabs at their partner. This is the foundation of a productive argument and how to work through any problems that naturally arise in relationships.

An aggressive communication style is the exact opposite. If your wife seems focused on belittling you, making personal attacks, and “winning” the argument, she has an aggressive communication style.

Personality low in agreeableness

Personalities scoring low in agreeableness tend to be less empathic, display more selfish behaviors, and be more prone to argument. Your wife’s argumentativeness and aggression may be one result of having such a personality.

Lack of emotional intelligence

Knowing how to identify and process anger is a fundamental skill in managing our emotions.

As our emotional intelligence grows over time, we become more familiar with recognizing when anger is rising inside us. Most of us develop methods to stop ourselves from losing control. But, if your wife has not had the chance to learn a healthy coping mechanism, you may be seeing anger released at you instead.

The most important thing to remember here is that all of these issues can be overcome. And it’s never too late to rekindle your marriage!

Check out my recent article on the site for more advice on getting your marriage back on track. I include the exact tips I followed when my wife and I were on the brink of divorce in 2013, including the 1 tip that really made all the difference.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

How do I deal with an angry wife?

When faced with an angry wife, listen without feeling the need to interject, defend yourself, or try and fix the problem. Instead of looking at her temper as an attack against you, look at it from the standpoint that the most important person in your life is hurting.

Reacting in anger yourself is the biggest temptation when dealing with aggressive behavior. It’s important to not give in, take a breath, and respond with calm assertive statements instead.

Even though it’s the most natural response, your own angry reaction is the catalyst for emotions to spiral out of control. Once both people lose control, it can be very difficult to get an argument back to a productive place. Since your wife has difficulty controlling anger, it’s going to be up to you to keep cool.

It can be helpful to separate yourself from the argument and her mood.

This is someone who has lost control of their emotions and needs a release or help to find peace again. You can be that help.

This doesn’t mean you need to accept abuse.

If your wife starts getting personal and attacks you instead of the issue, stay calm, and don’t be overcome with anger. Instead, use a calm, assertive statement like “I’m on your side here. And I need you to stop [abusive behavior] if you want me to help with this.”

Make your needs known calmly and with compassion rather than scorn.

If there’s no change and she continues abusively, it’s okay to make an ultimatum. Say, “I refuse to keep talking with you if you’re not going to stop [abusive behavior].”

Then follow through and disengage for a while.

Your goal isn’t to “win” here. Your goal is to bring the argument back under control. Point it in a productive direction while preserving both your and her dignity.

Do your best to not respond in anger and stay compassionate.

Can anger destroy a marriage?

Having frequent, angry arguments is one of the leading causes of divorce. Having arguments is a completely normal part of any relationship, but it’s essential to not direct anger, criticism, or contempt at your spouse.

Of course, that won’t always be possible. If a wife just found out her husband was cheating, she is going to be angry. But if EVERY argument involves anger, yelling, or anything physical, that’s where it becomes a problem.

No relationship is perfect.

Fights are simply another part of being in a marriage. You might be surprised to know that the frequency of arguments has little to no impact on whether a couple will separate or not.

What matters is the quality of those arguments.

Some satisfied, happy couples may even fight every day. Learn more about why having arguments might be just what your marriage needs in my recent article.

In that article, I get into how successful couples argue without it becoming toxic or demoralizing. And I share some terrible details of the divorce rates of couples who don’t do that.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But, if your wife’s anger brings every argument to a toxic place filled with resentment and personal attacks, something needs to change. A fight is a chance to improve something in your relationship together. If your wife turns each argument into a battle, nothing will improve.

You may find your marriage slowly eroding. 

Will therapy help an angry wife?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective type of therapy for anger issues. But marriage counseling can be quite beneficial as well if the anger issues stem from communication problems in the marriage.

So therapy has great results in helping deal with anger.

Most people with anger problems either aren’t aware of their behavior or simply don’t have the tools to process their emotions in a healthy way.

CBT is the form of therapy most often used to treat destructive behaviors like anger.

CBT is talk therapy focused on finding the underlying cause of anger. A therapist will then work to expose any irrational beliefs that exacerbate angry behavior.

Finally, they will show how our perspective and beliefs can work to our advantage instead of sparking a fit of rage.

CBT alone is about 50-75% effective in successfully changing destructive behaviors. Therapy combined with a genuine effort to change, awareness of how these behaviors start, and support from you will undoubtedly set your partner down the path to healing.

Is anger a sign your wife is cheating?

If your wife’s anger is a recent behavioral change, that can be a sign of cheating. But if anger management issues have been present for the entire relationship, it does not likely stem from cheating.

But at the very least, the anger is a cause for concern that something deeper is hiding beneath the surface.

When your wife’s treatment of you suddenly shifts to hostility, there’s usually a reason for it. If your behavior has been consistent, and her anger feels unjustified, cheating could be one underlying cause.

Cheaters often rationalize what they’re doing to avoid feeling guilty about their behavior.

Sometimes those rationalizations show up as anger or insult unjustly thrown your way. But before jumping to any conclusions that could damage your partner’s trust, look for some more common signs instead.

Although it is possible, anger isn’t all that common in cheaters. Instead, look for:

  • Secretive phone or computer use
  • Renewed interest in appearance
  • Change in schedule
  • A new hobby that doesn’t involve you
  • Change in sex frequency
  • Lack of emotional intimacy

If these sound familiar and you’re fearing the worst, check out this recent article on my site for more signs your partner might be thinking of leaving.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Takeaway

There are so many potential reasons your wife may seem to always be angry.

A personality low in agreeableness, an aggressive communication style, or low emotional intelligence may all be a culprit. The good news is these three can all be overcome with some guided effort.

Above all else, remember to keep your cool and always respond to her anger with compassion.

Getting angry yourself might be your first instinct. So, take a breath and separate yourself from the argument. Let your wife cool down by staying calm and redirect the argument in a positive direction.

And, of course, don’t stand for abuse.

Don’t lose hope, because it’s never too late! If you’d like to read about how to restore your marriage and fall in love again, check out my recent article loaded with advice to make it happen.

I was on the verge of divorce in early 2013, and yet here my wife and I are many years later, with a 3rd child and a great marriage. HOW we got here is what that post is all about.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

 

Why Does My Husband Run Away From His Problems?

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You tried to understand with compassion the first, second, and third times you argued about the same problem over and over again. Each time ends the same way, a complete shutdown from him and a refusal to communicate further, leaving many wives to wonder “Why does my husband run away from his problems?”.

Husbands run away from problems when the emotions overwhelm them, poor communication skills, low emotional intelligence, or a pattern of behavior rooted in childhood.

But all of these can be overcome!

I’m entering my 15th year of marriage, and this is time number 2 for me. So I’ve learned a lot being married, and made a ton of mistakes, and seen a lot of mistakes made. Luckily, that’s also given me a lot of wisdom and insight.

In this article, we’ll look at why this might be happening, and some strategies to compassionately end his silence once and for all.

Why does my husband run away when we argue?

Conflict avoidance is a way to protect a sense of self, prevent a fight from escalating or a means of controlling the situation or the other person. But husbands running away during an argument could also be a misguided attempt to solve the problem.

At first glance, it makes a lot of sense. The line of logic that leads to conflict-avoidance probably goes something like this:

Every time we fight about this problem, our argument spirals out of control, and nothing gets solved. When I avoid this problem, it still doesn’t get solved, but things eventually go back to “normal” for a while.

No one wants a fight, and no loving husband enjoys upsetting his wife.

So, in your husband’s mind, running away might seem like the best choice. To him, it might be the best way to not hurt you and protect himself.

This kind of avoidant personality usually stems from early connections made in childhood. If one or both parents tended to walk away from difficult moments with their child, that child is conditioned to believe that being fussy or expressing their own needs was the reason for it.

This kind of bias causes intense anxiety in interactions with others. It remains a powerful motivator to run from the conflict in adult relationships too.

As understandable as this communication style may be given someone’s background, it can slowly erode a marriage to the point of destruction.

Read on to learn why this kind of conflict-avoidance is doomed to fail.

Why is running away from your problems bad?

Running from problems ultimately solves nothing and simply delays finding a solution. In a relationship, it can lead to resentment, emotional disconnection, inner turmoil, and ultimately, the destruction of a relationship.

While it seems like a good choice at the moment to run from a fight that might turn bad, it’s simply not. Let’s look at three of the problems conflict avoidance creates a bit more closely.

Resentment

If your husband keeps avoiding arguments with silence or distance, it’s sure to be frustrating.

Why should you keep putting forth your effort for this relationship if he won’t? This lack of balance leads to resentment and can start a never-ending cycle of conflict.

Emotional disconnection

Whether your husband knows it or not, this is a form of emotional disconnection and distancing.

You may wonder if your husband still loves you, begin to feel unimportant, or think he doesn’t care about your needs in the relationship. This kind of emotional distancing could have lasting effects on his feelings about the relationship too.

In a recent article, I detail all of the surefire ways to know if your husband is ready to move on. While just one of these signs might not mean anything, if you’re seeing 3 or more of these signs, it could be a bad sign.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Inner turmoil

Like we talked about above, sometimes your husband may be avoiding conflict as a way to protect you from something he thinks would hurt you.

Or he may be defending himself since he’s too difficult to be loved – the pattern he learned as a child.

But, this behavior doesn’t heal any of those wounds. In fact, relationship problems he’s locked away from you can fester without airing them. In this case, you should encourage your husband that a discussion is always better than the silent treatment.

We’ll learn more about how to approach this behavior below.

How to deal with a husband giving you the silent treatment

When your husband gives you the silent treatment, avoid lashing out or hoping that escalating the conflict will spur him into conversation. Instead, let him know how his actions make you feel. Ask questions rather than making statements, and avoid criticizing statements.

How you deal with this behavior depends on which type of silent treatment you’re getting: resentful or avoidant.

There are two main reasons a husband may be giving you the silent treatment. The first is resentment, and the second is avoidance.

In either form, the silent treatment hurts. The first takes a firm approach and the second a gentle one. Let’s check out each in detail.

But there’s a lot more specifically to the silent treatment than just that.

Luckily, in a recent article, I get into all the specifics of the silent treatment and how and when it really becomes emotional abuse. Just click that link to read it on my site.

Now let’s review the 2 different kinds of silent treatment and how to deal with them:

Resentment

This is the silence that fully intends to hurt you.

Also known as stonewalling, this behavior is one of the main predictors of a marriage failing. If, in their silence, you see disrespectful body language like a scowl, eye-rolling, or nonchalantly doing another activity, it’s stonewalling.

When your husband does speak, it could be full of criticism, dismissing the problem as nothing worth his time, or ignoring your feelings.

In this case, it’s important to make a stand.

I won’t tolerate this kind of disrespect. Even if this doesn’t matter to you, it does to me. I’ll be waiting until you’re ready to talk about this.

And then, disengage. Do not accept anything less than revisiting the issue in a productive way.

Avoidance

While just as painful, this type of silent treatment is nobler in its intent. If you don’t sense any hostility in the argument that preceded it or aggressive body language, your husband is probably being avoidant.

An avoidant husband doesn’t want to hurt anyone just as much as he doesn’t want to feel pain.

In this type of silent treatment, be encouraging and gentle. Assure him you care about him just as much as the problem and want to work through it together. Show him you won’t reject his feelings or belittle them.

This works to directly relieve the fear that this behavior is based on.

Is walking away from an argument disrespectful?

Cutting off communication during an argument and walking away impulsively is disrespectful. Walking away temporarily to cool down, making your intentions clear that you plan to finish the argument in a better frame of mind is not disrespectful. 

So as with almost everything in marriage, it comes down to HOW it gets communicated.

There’s nothing wrong with taking a breath and walking away from an argument temporarily. Sometimes emotions start to flare, and it’s better for everyone involved to place it aside until both people are in a more calm state of mind. It’s sometimes difficult to see you’re both on the same side in a fit of anger or hurt feelings.

But a couple of things should happen before stepping away.

First, there should be an explanation about why it’s time to stop. Something like, I’m sorry, but this is getting upsetting. I don’t know how much use I can be in this state. Can we finish this later?

Anything honest that shows you care about the issue at hand and your partner’s wellbeing works.

Second, there must be a promise to get back to it and a follow-through on that promise. Without these, walking away comes off as selfish and immature.

If you can set a specific time, that’s even better.

Will a husband who avoids conflict eventually run away?

A husband who avoids conflict may eventually run away from the relationship too. This is because while they may lack the communication skills or emotional maturity to face the issues, they will eventually tire of the turmoil.

But ultimately, it’s impossible to predict with certainty, but conflict avoidance is one of the most common predictors of a failing marriage.

Plus, avoidance can also mean indecision and that can simply leave him in the marriage afraid to turn towards you or away from you.

A husband who continually avoids conflict is indicative of a bigger problem.

It may be a failure to communicate well, a lack of emotional intelligence, or a pattern of avoidant behavior that’s been around for a long time. All of these issues can be worked through, but it takes a willingness on both sides to do. Talk to your husband from a place of compassion and not blame.

Show him you want to understand and love him, flaws included. The rest is up to him.

And if directly confronting the issue and talking it out just isn’t working, it might be time to try a new approach. Don’t worry; it’s not too late!

There are so many ways to rekindle your marriage that you can read more about in my recent article. Check it out for a ton of ideas to reignite the spark that made you fall in love in the first place.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Takeaway

That covers just about everything you need to need to know about dealing with a conflict-avoidant husband.

Remember to first identify which type of avoidance you’re dealing with (resentful or conflict-avoidant) and change your approach in kind. In the case of toxic behavior or resentment, make sure to respect yourself, stand your ground, and demand better.

Avoidance can be digital too!

In the case of a husband ignoring or not responding to text messages, read my recent article for some tips to tackle this problem.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

It’s never too late to save your marriage! Follow the advice here and, your husband’s efforts willing, you’ll be well on your way to a communication style based on mutual understanding and compassion in no time.

 

Why Does My Husband Use Private Browsing?

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Is your husband frequently on his laptop or desktop but often closes his browser when you walk in the room? Maybe you’ve even noticed him using an incognito window or just don’t see anything when you check the search history. If that sounds familiar, you’ve likely wondered “why does my husband use private browsing?”

Your husband can use private browsing to hide his search history, but it could also be to not save his login information, especially if others use his computer. Lastly, he could be using it so that Google isn’t tracking his online behavior as they naturally customize searches based on his patterns.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad is going on. Has your husband been using incognito mode for no good?

In this article, find out if you have anything to worry about, and what some legit reasons are for using private browsing. We’ll even explore how you can find a computer’s search history, even if your husband used the incognito mode.

Let’s get started.

Why would my husband hide his search history?

Since nearly every action we take online is recorded somewhere and affects our browsing experience in the future, your husband might want to stop it from happening by using incognito mode. But if the marriage is rocky, it could also be to hide his chats, visits to dating sites, or even just to look at porn.

It might seem deceptive, but don’t immediately jump to the conclusion that its foul play against you.

Ever notice how almost every site has a pop-up warning about cookies these days?

It seems pretty harmless. They use cookies and track what you do on the site to place ads and content that you’re more likely to engage with.

But, sometimes, this data is then transferred to google or even a third party. So, your behavior on one site can easily shift your experience online elsewhere.

For example, let’s say you want to strictly use YouTube to watch videos about improving relationships. If you watch a lot of this type of content, your feed will likely be filled with more of the same.

But, what if one day you’re curious about signs that your husband might want a divorce.

By the way, this is what a recent article of mine is all about. So IF something bad is happening with him, there will doubtless be several other signs too. I walk you through all of them in my article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But if you watch a video on YouTube about cheating, then suddenly, your feed is popping up with videos about infidelity every day, even though it was just a passing curiosity.

Maybe your search suggestions start coming up with more nefarious recommendations. Someone searching YouTube with your phone could misunderstand what these recommendations mean and how they came to be.

Incognito mode avoids this problem entirely. So your husband could be using it just to hide his searches about topics he’s curious about but not seriously considering.

What is the purpose of using incognito mode?

The primary purpose of using incognito mode is to delete all records of a browsing session on that device. Nearly all record of the session is deleted from the device starting at the time you open the window until closing it.

That means there is no record of what sites were visited, for how long, or what Google searches were made.

While incognito mode could be a sign your husband is up to no good, most people who are even a little bit internet-savvy go incognito every day. You’ll see a lot of benefits and tricks that make it a useful tool for anyone worried about privacy on the internet.

When an incognito window is closed, your device “forgets” that the session ever happened.

That means all search history, login information, items in shopping carts, and site preferences are deleted. Why would someone with nothing to hide want to do this? To take control of their internet experience into their own hands.

Some people use incognito mode to search about sensitive issues they don’t want generating future ads or content.

Someone with ED or depression, for example, might not like the flood of medication ads that could be triggered by searching these conditions. This also prevents content or stories from popping up in your feeds where someone might see them.

Incognito mode can be great to use on someone else’s computer or a public one.

If you have to access a personal account and you’re worried about your login info being saved, just switch to incognito mode. Now, instead of manually clearing the cookies and checking that you’re logged out from each website you used, the browser takes care of all that for you.

As a blogger, I use incognito mode often when I am researching topics to write about. I don’t want Google showing me the search results it thinks I want to see. I want to see what everyone else sees the first time they search for a topic.

Incognito mode can be a useful tool, but it has some limitations.

Data is only removed from your device and does not affect what information the website’s server stores. That means if you searched YouTube while logged into your account, YouTube would still know what you searched for.

That means your history there will still be saved. All future searches and recommendations will be shifted slightly according to your behavior as if you didn’t use incognito mode.

How do you find out what your husband has been looking at online?

To see what your husband has been searching, check the search history but if he uses private browsing, you can check the DNS cache using a command prompt to see and even save all online activity. While the DNS data can be deleted, that requires more effort than most will put into it.

So there are a couple of ways to dig up your husband’s behavior online, including 1 surefire way that works even with private browsing.

Here are the steps to take to pull up and save search history using your DNS (Domain Name System) cache on a Windows 10 computer:

  1. Right-click the Windows key at the bottom left of the screen
  2. Click on Run towards the bottom of the menu options
  3. In the Command Prompt window, type the following command and press Enter:
    ipconfig /displaydns

It will then run the search and should display it on your screen. It can be a little tricky to read as it will show a long list of sites. You can use Control+F to search for specific sites you suspect have been visited.

(source)

But before getting into how to do it, it’s important to ask yourself, “Is this necessary?”

Doing this is unquestionably an invasion of privacy, something that two adults should be allowed a modicum of (even in a committed relationship).

If your husband has been throwing up red flags left, right, and center without any reasonable explanation, then invade away. If not, maybe there’s a better, straightforward solution to finding out what’s going on: just ask!

Explain what you’re worried about and how his suspicious behavior makes you feel. Get to the bottom of why he’s doing it and what is making you feel suspicious.

And do remember, if you demand to see his phone’s browser history or snoop around in his messages, you should expect to do the exact same thing for him.

Having these kinds of tough talks is one of the best ways to rekindle your marriage.

My wife asked for a divorce in 2013, and yet here we are years later with a 3rd child and our marriage better than ever. How did we do it? Luckily, I detailed all the steps we took in this recent article!

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Can incognito search history be found?

Incognito search history can be found unless a DNS flush has been performed. With a command prompt and a few simple entries, you can see what websites have been accessed by reading something called the DNS cache.

Read on to learn how.

Incognito mode can help control what data gets stored on your machine and is one part of maintaining your privacy online. But, it does not stop websites from storing your data based on IP or if you’re logged in to an account.

I gave you a quick look at this above, but now let’s do a more step by step approach.

It also does leave a remnant of what websites were visited in the DNS queries. A DNS is what connects your computer to a website by getting its IP info and name. Let’s learn how to find this list step by step.

  1. Type “cmd” into the Windows search bar
  2. Right-click and hit “Run as Administrator”
  3. Type “ipconfig/displaydns>location/filename. This will place a .txt file at the location you specified with the name you chose. (Copy and paste this without the quotations “ipconfig/displaydns>C:\dnsLog.txt”. This will place the file named “dnsLog.txt” in your C drive.
  4. Find the file and open it to see all search history.

Before you go through with this, please try talking it out the old fashioned way. It can seem like an instant relief with no harm done to search the history right away.

But, this suspicion you had didn’t come from just anywhere.

It will take effort to discover and work on the root of the problem. Wouldn’t it be better to work through this challenge and strengthen your marriage, than to just exist snooping and checking up on each other?

I get into exactly how to do that in a recent article that explains that while marriage does it effort and hard work, it’s totally worth it.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Can you tell if someone uses incognito mode?

It can be challenging to detect if someone has used incognito mode. While checking the DNS records is the only way to know for sure, if you can see the screen when someone is browsing, look for visual differences such as the darker theme and lack of homepage or website recommendations.

By default, their account won’t be logged in.

That means if they do a Google search or use any Google tool, look for their profile icon in the top right corner of the screen.

An even sneakier way is to clear a shared device’s browser history and don’t use it again until your husband does. After they finish using the device, check the history. If there’s nothing listed, incognito mode has likely been used or he cleared the search history when he was done.

But keep in mind plenty of tech-savvy people out there have their browsers set to delete search history at certain intervals or at the end of every session. So, it’s not a guarantee that incognito was used here.

But if you check the settings and don’t see it set to delete search history on every visit, then it was definitely cleared intentionally. The real question is why?

Takeaway

As you can see, there are a ton of perfectly reasonable explanations for why someone would use private browsing.

While yes, someone could definitely be using it to conceal bad behavior, infidelity, or sensitive issues, the legitimate benefits are far greater than the potential to do harm.

Ultimately, you know your man best. So if your husband were up to no good, there are dozens of other signs your husband wants a divorce. You would probably notice them all before this one.

When in doubt, have a good talk first. Trust your instincts. If the answers don’t sit right with you, then maybe it’s time to go the sneaky route yourself to find the truth.

Afraid you’ll uncover your worst fears? Find out if your marriage can be saved in my recent article about staying together after infidelity. Believe it or not, a marriage can be saved after an affair and even get much better. I know. I’ve lived it.

Just click that link to read my story on this website.

 

Why Does My Husband Hate My Family?

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It can be painful to be in the middle of a combative relationship, especially if it’s between people you love. And sometimes women feel like they have to choose between their family and their husband. Have you ever wondered “why does my husband hate my family?”

A husband might hate his in-laws if he feels disrespected by them, if he thinks they are a bad influence on his wife, or if he feels she spends too much time with them and is not focused enough on the marriage.

Why can’t they all get along? We’re married! We’re supposed to be one family now!

It’s not always easy to navigate bad blood between your spouse and family, but this article will clear up why this might be happening.

Read on for how to approach this issue and stop the fighting for good!

Why is my husband disrespectful to my family?

A husband who is disrespectful to his wife’s family likely feels that they are disrespectful to him, or to his wife. But there could also be inherent differences in personality, political beliefs, or religious beliefs.

There aren’t many good reasons for a husband to disrespect his wife’s family.

Be objective and make sure that only your husband is to blame. If your family is polite and respectful, there is no reason for him to treat them poorly.

Your family is like an extension of you. A parental relationship runs deep, and they are like an extension of you. They raised you. You most likely have some of their traits and even look similar. So, they deserve to be treated as such.

Just make sure you don’t find yourself nodding your head to any of the following:

  • My parents aren’t kind to my husband
  • They often criticize his personality, level of success, or otherwise disrespect him
  • My parents and I don’t have healthy boundaries
  • My parents are toxic, unsupportive, or otherwise disrespectful towards me

If so, your husband might have some legitimate complaints that need to be addressed. Take some time and be objective in your thinking.

If the negativity and hate are completely one-sided from your husband, there’s not a single good reason for it. Is his behavior common with all strangers or only your family? It could be a pattern that’s larger than this single issue.

At the very least, there can be cordial and formal politeness when you all meet.

This isn’t asking too much. We all have co-workers that we’d never befriend outside of our jobs. Yet, we get along out of necessity and maintain harmony in our lives.

A spouse’s family is inarguably more important than that. So, there’s no excuse. Your family doesn’t need to become your husband’s best friends, but they need to be respected.

What do I do if my husband talks badly about my family?

If your husband talks badly about your family, it’s important to understand why and to explain to him the difficult position it puts you in. Let him know you appreciate his point of view, but that you need him to be more understanding. But if his concerns are legitimate, you should also address it with your family.

This kind of negative behavior usually doesn’t just change itself. If your husband’s treatment of your family is starting to impact your relationship, it’s time for a discussion.

Nobody likes hearing, “we need to talk.” And you probably hate saying it even more. But for better or worse, it’s the only way!

So, read on for some tips on keeping your cool and having a productive talk.

  • Don’t take it personally

It’s easy to feel attacked when someone talks badly about your family. These are the people who sacrificed so much for you to be here. These are people you love! It’s important to keep calm and stay focused on the issue – why your husband can’t get along with them.

Allow any trash talk to pass right through you. This is his negative opinion, not the absolute truth. And until you understand why he feels this way, you can dismiss it as an emotional reaction, not a mature explanation.

  • Frame the conversation from your point of view, not his unwanted behavior

Use the classic, “when you _______, it makes me feel ______________.” Don’t attack him or stoop to the same level of name-calling and disrespect. Make sure you can explain why it’s never okay to call your spouse names in my recent article. This is a great way to show you’re on the same team, and your husband’s opinion is important too. Giving that impression is the foundation of moving forward.

  • Stop him from talking badly if he won’t budge

First, explain how his negative talk makes you feel. If he reacts emotionally, gets angry, or escalates the bad things he’s saying about your family, put your foot down.

Say something like, “the things you’re saying about them do nothing to help and are completely dismissive of my feelings. Can you stop it, or do we need to talk about this again later?”

It sounds harsh, but you’re giving him the choice of being mature or continuing to hurt you.

Always maintain your dignity while not stooping down to his level or arguing to the point of anger. Continuing the conversation with someone who is clearly not ready to reach a compromise is a lost cause.

Follow through with your words and try again later.

Should I put my husband before my family?

Your husband should always come before your family. That doesn’t mean it’s OK for him to speak poorly of your family, but not putting your husband first is one of the most often cited reasons for a marriage to fail.  

Don’t ever allow disrespect or words that hurt you. But, a strong relationship with your spouse is the foundation of a long, happy marriage.

You and your spouse’s relationship should be the most prioritized in your life.

In fact, putting your parents first can be a sign of poor boundaries, overattachment, or toxic behavior.

Your husband is family too. He’s the one family member you get to choose. When you got married, you decided to put him in that position. That choice, and all the responsibility that comes with it, should be honored.

Putting your family on top priority is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy.

And if the tension has been building, and the marriage has been waning, it may be time to refocus on your marriage and rebuild it. Luckily, I cover some tips I used in my marriage on how to do that in a recent article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

How do I help my husband get along with my family?

You can help your husband get along with your family by being objective and seeing who’s at fault. Then, explain to that person how their actions are hurting your relationship, and tell them what you need from them. 

Ultimately, it’s unlikely it’s just 1 person at fault. Most arguments take 2 people, although one may be more at fault than the other.

When everyone involved in the relationship is someone you deeply care about, it’s hard to remain objective. So it’s crucial to observe and take some time to think carefully about the dynamic at work and who’s to blame.

It could be all your husband’s fault. It could be some personality conflict from the family. Or, more likely, it’s a blend of both.

Identifying the cause of the conflict is the first step to solving this problem.

Once that’s done, separate the parties at fault and have a talk about what’s going on. Explain how their actions make you feel, and let them know you aren’t willing to continue as is.

If the problem is with your family, it’s important you address it with them and not let them off the hook just because they are your family. If your husband feels like you’re choosing them over him, that will only make your marriage worse.

If this is a recurring issue, you might be wondering if fighting often is normal.

You might be surprised to know that frequent arguments are not only totally normal; they might be just what you need to restore your marriage. Learn more in my recent article. But it’s CRUCIAL that you learn how to fight the right way.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Should I leave my husband if he is rude to my family?

If your husband’s rudeness towards your family is part of a larger pattern of toxic behavior, and you have talked about it and tried therapy, it may be best to separate. Separation can help you both get clarity on what is really important.

Of course, if the rudeness is a response to your family’s behavior towards him, you need to stand strong and support your husband. His behavior may not be OK, but neither is your family’s and your husband needs to come first.

Deciding whether this is a problem worth leaving over is ultimately up to you. This one problem can and should be fixable; if not, it’s time to make tough decisions.

This problem shouldn’t be too complicated to solve. It will take some careful observation, reflection, and a good talk about it, but your husband and family both should be able to come together on this.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable.

Asking your family and husband to respect one another and be polite is reasonable. Asking them to transform a toxic relationship into a warm, close one overnight is not.

But you know everyone involved, and you know deep down inside who’s behavior is really driving the issue. 

Take a firm stand with them, let them know how their actions make you feel and be clear on what you’re willing to put up with.

The final thing to consider is if your husband can’t change this behavior, is this something you can live with? This is the only answer that really matters.

Takeaway

There are a few reasons for a husband to disrespect his wife’s family. There are even fewer reasons for not solving this problem. You both can do this!

Observe and honestly reflect on what’s causing this before talking with your husband. When you do, make sure he understands why this is important and communicate your way through this.

The rest is up to him and your family.

But sometimes fighting with your family is a sign of something bigger and darker.

If this seems like a small piece of a larger issue, make sure to check out my recent article about some signs your husband might be thinking of leaving you for good.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Can I Trust My Husband After He Cheated On Me?

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I cheated on my ex-wife back in 2013, destroying her trust in me. The #1 question she had back then was “can I trust my husband after he cheated on me?”

To trust your husband again after he cheated will take time, likely 1 year for each month the affair lasted. But it will also take him being 100% accountable for his actions, allowing you to vent & express your feelings often, and taking steps to heal the underlying issues that led him to cheat.

But there’s a lot more to say about cheating recovery and trust re-building. So in this article, we’re examining when you should try and save your marriage and when you may not want to. We’ll also look at some of the tell-tale signs that suggest he might cheat again.

Ultimately, we’ll walk through the steps to answer the question for you of “can I trust my husband after he cheated on me?” Including the 1 sure way to know.

Let’s begin.

How do I rebuild trust in my marriage after an affair?

To start with, both people have to acknowledge just how devastating an affair is.

While it, of course, is devasting to the person who was cheated on, it’s surprisingly devasting to the person doing the cheating too. After all, only a sociopath won’t feel immense feelings of guilt, regret, and remorse.

So it’s important to not rush through the initial stage trying to get to the solution. This hurts, deeply. And acknowledging that and talking about it, and especially for the cheater, just listening, has to be OK.

Whether the affair was a one-night stand with a stranger or an ongoing affair with a friend or co-worker, doesn’t matter in terms of the damage it causes. Both have a significant impact in different ways.

What does matter is how the affair became known. 

In terms of rebuilding trust, it’s far better if the cheater admitted the affair rather than simply got busted. That shows at least some level of ownership, accountability, and remorse. But even if you simply uncovered the affair after going through your husband’s text messages, that doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be saved.

In fact, there are 11 key things a cheater needs to do to rebuild the trust after an affair.

I compiled all of those in a recent article that’s well worth reviewing, including the surprisingly common but truly devasting thing men do often. Just click the link to read it on my site.

But here are some of the most important things that need to happen to begin rebuilding trust once the affair becomes known:

1. The cheater needs to be 100% open, honest, and transparent

Sometimes, the cheater tells themselves that it’s better for their spouse if they don’t disclose every detail of the affair. In truth, this is mostly done out of cowardice (been there, done that).

While knowing all the dirty little details really won’t help the person who was cheated on and will be painful to hear, it’s not the place of the cheater to decide what info is needed. So ask the questions you want to ask, and encourage your cheating spouse to be 100% honest and not hold anything back.

Admitting the affair is hard, but when a cheater withholds information that later comes out, it can sometimes start the healing process all over again.

2. You, as the person who was cheated on, need to fully express how you feel (often and repeatedly)

The wife or spouse who was cheated on is feeling  a lot of intense feelings

  • Rage
  • Betrayal
  • Confusion
  • Self-doubt

If they have insecurities, it can also fuel those and bring up questions like “why wasn’t I enough?”

So the spouse who was cheated on will need to vent; to get these feelings out. Bottling them up is bad for all concerned. So it’s vital to express yourself AND for the spouse who did the cheating to just listen. This isn’t the time to start fixing things. This is the time for the cheater to simply shut up and listen.

As the spouse who was cheated on, you may need to have these venting sessions daily, weekly, or however often your feelings get triggered; and that’s OK. Eventually, these sessions will get fewer and farther between. But don’t try and rush this process.

Learning to REALLY listen actively instead of just waiting our turn to talk is something all of us can work on. Empathetic Listening Skills (click to read my article) are the key to doing that.  When you and your spouse learn to really hear one another, you’ll be amazed how that improves all aspects of your marriage.

3. The cheater, of course, needs to cease any and all contact with the 3rd person

It should go without saying that the cheater needs to cut ties with whoever he cheated with.

But if it’s a co-worker, sometimes it’s not that simple. Let me be crystal clear, you can’t make your marriage work if the cheater still has contact, even in a work setting, with the 3rd person. So in those cases, only changing jobs (or maybe locations if that’s an option) is going to work.

The cheater should also be prepared to:

  • Block them in their phone, email, and social media
  • Give you 100% access to all of the above
  • Let you know of any and all attempts of the 3rd person to contact them

4. Both people need a clear understanding that this healing process will take time

Getting over an affair takes a lot of time.

In my case, my affair only lasted 2 months, and I only knew the person (she was a co-worker) for a total of about 6 months. So to me, then at the age of 48, it was a blip on my radar.

It’s true that if it had been an affair that lasted years or been with her best friend, it would be worse. But either way, it’s still going to take time to heal and rebuild trust.

How long that process takes, depends on the people, the situation, and how serious the cheater is about really doing the work to fix things.

But, generally speaking, it could be a year of healing for every month the affair lasted.

It is, however, vital to not just go on as nothing happened, or hope that things “get back to normal”. In the aftermath of an affair, both spouses need to do the work to rekindle their marriage.

In a recent article, I broke down all the 15 steps needed to do just that so you can eventually have a better relationship than you ever thought possible. Just click the link to read it on my site.

Even if you only followed step #3, you could see an immediate improvement in your marriage.

Can you trust a cheater?

In truth, as odd as it sounds, while affairs don’t happen as often in high-functioning happy marriages, if he cheated, it likely has very little to do with you.

In my case, I realized I had a tendency to sabotage every relationship I had ever been in.

That stemmed from childhood issues, divorce, and death, which created a pattern in my brain that said every person who is important to me will eventually leave me. So as an adult, I began to sabotage my relationships both so that I was in control of the breakup, and also to prove my feelings right (“see, they DID leave me”).

It was only when I dealt with the roots of that (through a combination of therapy and the right books), that I began to see that pattern for the first time. Then I set about changing it.

So to learn to trust a cheater again, there HAS to be an acknowledgment of the underlying reasons behind their affair. Then, there have to be steps taken to deal with those reasons.

This isn’t, and can’t be, only about you, as the spouse who was cheated on, figuring out how to “get over it”.

Deciding if you should stay married is a tough call and not a decision anyone can make other than you and your spouse. I did, however, write a recent article where I not only addressed that question, but I called in some experts.

I consulted 6 marriage experts, including world-renowned Dr. John Gottman, to get insight on how to help you answer the question of whether to stay or go. And I got some really surprising answers! Just click the link to see it on my site.

Can you be in love with someone and not trust them?

The answer here is, of course, yes.

People are in love with all sorts of people who aren’t good for them and who damage the relationship. While that’s certainly true of cheaters, it also applies to addicts, and spouses who get verbally or physically abusive.

Ultimately, all of that is abusive to a marriage or relationship. And when we are in any sort of abusive relationship it’s natural to find ourselves staying in it, sometimes even enabling the bad behavior or making excuses for it. Then we wonder, sometimes years down the road, why the behavior hasn’t changed.

The heart wants what it wants; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But if we’re going to make a marriage work after an affair, it’s vital that the cheater take the necessary steps to rebuild trust. Otherwise, there’s a much higher probability he or she will cheat again.

And it’s vital for, as the spouse who was cheated on, to set crystal clear boundaries that you aren’t willing to let be crossed. Hold the cheater accountable and if they aren’t willing to do the work to earn your trust back, you may find the best thing for everyone, even if kids are involved, is to leave the cheating spouse.

That should be a last resort and not a decision made in the heat of the moment. It’s also ideally made in conjunction with seeing a marriage counselor. But if the cheater isn’t willing to do the work, and you continually allow their bad behavior to repeat, you are enabling that behavior and now part of the problem.

How to tell if he will cheat again (the 1 sure way)

An old friend of mine was fond of saying “there’s no better predictor of future behavior than past behavior”.

And really, that’s true. However, just because many people don’t change doesn’t mean they can’t. EVERYONE has the capacity to change. But change takes work. It means digging deep into the hard stuff. It takes time.

No, people have a tendency to look for the easy way out.

So the best way to tell if your husband is going to cheat again is not by scouring his phone or stalking his Facebook account. It’s by looking at his behavior and patterns. By that I mean:

  • Has he made any radical changes (for the better)?
    Maybe he took up a sport, going to the gym, or a new hobby
  • Does he talk differently (more open and honest)
    Maybe he shares more with you about his feelings or about his day
  • Has he changed his patterns?
    Maybe he comes home straight after work instead of hitting the bar with co-workers?
  • Is he more connected with you?
    If you feel more alone than ever, that’s not a good sign. True, in the immediate aftermath of the affair, he may walk on eggshells around you afraid of setting you off. But eventually, and for the long-term, you want to see and feel a deeper connection with him, not a more distant connection

So the best way to know if he’s really changed or if he will cheat again is that is he really changed, that change will affect almost all aspects of who he is.

In the wake of my affair, I quit drinking for 3 years (my wife had already started that, so I joined her). I also took up martial arts, and quit going out to bars and clubs with co-workers.

In short, I made it my mission to become the man I always wanted to be, the husband my wife deserved, and the father my kids deserved. And if you knew me, you could see those changes in almost everything I did.

Can a marriage survive without trust?

The short answer is maybe, but not in an enjoyable or healthy way.

So if your goal is to be miserable, angry, short-tempered, and to look for outlets like drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, yes, it’s possible.

But don’t we all deserve more than that?

Yes is the answer to that question. No one deserves to be in a miserable relationship with broken trust and constant fighting. So we have to want more than that. We have to feel we are worthy of being loved.

More importantly, we have to set clear boundaries that we aren’t willing to have crossed.

A great marriage is made of several things:

  • Great sex
  • Clear communication
  • Shared goals and vision
  • Support for one another’s goals
  • Trust
  • Passion and love

And honestly, when any one of those breaks down, it can derail even the strongest marriage. Marriage is hard work, and like your garden, it requires frequent watering and nurturing; it’s not like you reach a goal and then just coast.

The good news is that with time, focus, and effort, any of those things can be restored in your marriage. But don’t think for a minute it’s OK to just coast along in your marriage without them.

Final thoughts

In this article, we took a look at the world of cheaters, affairs, and how, under the right circumstances, you can begin the process of trusting the cheater again.

We explored rebuilding trust, including the 2 crucial steps that must happen in order to start that process. Ultimately, if you’re asking yourself the question “can I trust my husband after he cheated on me?”, it’s a cold and lonely place.

So, we went through the steps to help you decide if saving the marriage can work, and how that trust-building process might work. We also talked about the 1 sure way to know if you can trust him again.

Is your marriage struggling in the aftermath of an affair?

If you like this post, please follow my Save Your Marriage board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top relationship experts!

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How to Prove You Will Not Cheat Again – 11 Crucial Steps

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I admit it. In 2013, I cheated on my wife. For any of you who have cheated, here’s what I learned about how to prove you will not cheat again:

After an affair, it’s crucial for the cheater to be 100% honest, transparent, and open. Put aside excuses, ego, or defensiveness. Give your spouse complete access to phone, email, and social accounts, and over-communicate your whereabouts when not at home or at work.

But there’s a lot more to say about saving and restoring a relationship after an affair.

So in this post, we’re diving deep into a world I am unfortunately all too familiar with. The good news is I KNOW you can restore trust and save your marriage because that’s exactly what I did.

In fact, my marriage now is better than it’s ever been and we even had our 3rd child at the end of 2017.

So if you’re wondering how to prove you will not cheat again and hoping to save your marriage, you’ve come to the right place.

How do you fix a relationship after cheating?

There’s nothing quite as devastating to a marriage or relationship as someone cheating.

I know as I’ve been cheated on in a prior relationship and I cheated on my wife in 2013. So I’m in an unfortunately unique position to see both sides of the issue.

There are a lot of steps that have to happen after an affair, and it’s vitally important for the cheater to not try and rush the process, pressure your spouse to get over it, or to skip any of the steps.

Because you cheated, you’ll have to take the slow and steady approach of trying to rebuild trust and convince your partner you have changed. But you’ll also need to dig deep and really examine WHY you cheated.

After all, if you can’t get to the root of your infidelity, the chances of your doing it again are pretty high.

So be prepared to do a lot of work on yourself while you work to prove to your spouse that you won’t cheat again.

Here are the steps you need to take:

STEPS TO TAKE WHAT IT DOES HOW TO DO IT
Admit the affair to your partner Arguably the hardest step 1. Tell them straight up
2. Don’t make excuses
3. Don’t use any of your spouse’s possible shortcomings to justify the affair; there is no excuse
4. Coming clean is MUCH better than getting busted in terms of rebuilding trust
Cease all communication with the person you had the affair with The 2nd, but most important step in rebuilding trust 1. Change your phone number and email address.
2. Block them on social media accounts
3. If they are a co-worker, change jobs
Be 100% transparent and open Eases your partner’s mind which will vacillate between insecurity, anger, frustration, and self-doubt 1. Give them all your passwords to email, phone, and social accounts
2. Over-communicate anytime you are not at home or at work
3. If you receive text messages at odd times, show them the phone before you respond
Work On Yourself Nothing proves to your partner that you have changed like seeing it in your actions 1. Join a support group, go to therapy, seek out counseling from a pastor
2. Work to identify the root of why you cheated (which may be rooted in your own childhood)
3. Change your habits, actions, and friends if they at all contributed to your affair
Allow Your Spouse to Vent It is not healthy for your spouse to bottle up feelings and they need to feel heard 1. Always say yes anytime your spouse wants to talk
2. Avoid trying to defend yourself, even if they bring up things unrelated to the affair
3. Look them in the eyes and let them know you hear them
4. Be OK with the fact that this may happen on and off for months
Keep Your Promises Continues to build trust as they learn to count on you again 1. While it’s always important to do what you say and say what you mean, it’s even more crucial now.
2. Be on time for any meetings or therapy
3. Be at home when you say you will
4. Over-communicate

If you happen to be the spouse that was cheated on, you may even be wondering If You Should Stay Married After an Affair (click to read my article).

I wrote a piece on that topic recently and consulted the work of 5 experts in helping to arrive at an answer.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

How long does it take to rebuild trust in a marriage?

Depending on the type of breach of trust, it can take at least 6 months and up to 2 years to rebuild trust. For an affair, it often takes 1 month for every 2 months the affair went on to rebuild trust. So, for example, an affair that lasted 6 months might take 1 year to fully rebuild trust.

In short, over-communication, complete transparency, and having your actions, words, and thoughts all line up are the way to rebuild that trust.

I used to have a lot of friends who would say or do 1 thing in front of their wives, and then behave differently when they were out with the boys.

I’ve been there too, so I’m not here to judge.

I am here, however, to say life gets a whole lot simpler when you are just “you”. When the “you” your spouse sees is the same “you” your parents see, your friends see and your co-workers see.

So stop compartmentalizing your life and be your authentic self to everyone and if they don’t like the real you then maybe you don’t need that person in your life.

If YOU don’t like the real you, then perhaps it’s time to do some work on yourself.

If you find yourself in a marriage that isn’t what it used to be whether due to infidelity or not, check out my most popular relationship post which covers all you need to know about how to Rekindle Your Marriage (click to read on my site).

But for some basic steps to take after you have cheated, here’s what I recommend:

  • 100% accountability for your actions – No excuses, no blaming others
  • Be clear, honest, and transparent in all communication – Over-communicate
  • It will take time – Understand that it may take months or possibly even a year or more before you can rebuild trust fully
  • Don’t pressure your spouse – If you cheated, you dealt a devastating blow to them and your relationship – only time and consistently good behavior from you can heal that
  • Understand your relationship may never be the same – In the aftermath of an affair, both of you may re-examine life choices, childhood issues, and how your relationship works. While you can definitely save your relationship, and it may well end up better than ever, it will likely be different in some ways

What percent of marriages end in divorce after infidelity?

As a general rule, between 60-75% of spouses stay married after their partner had an affair. That being said, between 20-40% of divorces cite infidelity as the primary reason for divorce.

Overall, 10-15% of women cheat on their spouses and 20-25% of men cheat on their spouses, although Millenials are seeing slightly lower than average rates.

But Millennials are also marrying less and waiting longer to marry, so they could be getting their wilder behavior out of the way before saying “I do”.

But ultimately if you cheated on your spouse, the odds are well in your favor of being able to fix things and save your marriage.

In one of my most popular articles, I compile all the Statistics about Infidelity Recovery (click to read them on my site), so if you’re curious to see more about your odds of saving your marriage, I highly recommend you take a moment to review those.

How to convince someone you won’t cheat

There’s probably nothing you can say to convince a partner you won’t heat.

Back in the earlier days of my marriage, when I was more insecure, my wife would often proclaim that she didn’t cheat and that she would never do that (despite having actually done it with boyfriends in the past).

In truth, that never convinced me she wouldn’t cheat. Between my insecurity, the volatility of our marriage, and her general flirtatious nature, at that time, I was always a little distrusting.

So all that is to say that words mean nothing, especially if you were already caught cheating once.

After all, if you have already been found cheating, your spouse has proof that you were willing to lie, sneak, break your commitment, and be dishonest.

So why would your words mean anything at this point?

But that’s not to say you can’t do anything to convince your partner you won’t cheat. If you cheated before, then only your actions and time will help your spouse to learn to trust you again.

Be consistent, don’t be defensive, be transparent, and err on the side of going overboard to explain any behavior, calls, texts, etc that might seem suspicious.

If, however, you never cheated but your spouse thinks you might have, then you have to help your spouse through their insecurities and examine your own role in making those worse.

  • Why is your spouse insecure or distrusting of you?
  • Are you doing things that seem secretive or deceptive?
  • Was your spouse always insecure?
  • Are they aware of their insecurities and if so, are they taking steps to work on them?

Ultimately if your spouse suspects you of cheating, even if you’re completely innocent, we have to recognize they are in pain.

Yes, it’s frustrating to be falsely accused, but your partner is hurting and chances are, you have done things, even unknowingly, to make that insecurity worse.

So put aside your ego, have open and honest communication, and help them work on their insecurity.

One of the BEST ways to improve communication in your marriage or relationship is with Empathetic Listening Skills (click to read my article).

In that post, I break down exactly what it is, why it’s important, and how to incorporate it into your relationship.

How do I make my partner trust me again?

Trust takes time.

But that’s cliché and you already knew that. But like Rome, trust isn’t built in a day. You have to show up, day after day being the best, most honest, and most transparent version of you that you can be.

How long this will take depends on a few factors such as:

  • Did you come clean about the affair or were you busted? You being honest is far more trustworthy than simply getting caught
  • How long did the affair last? If it lasted years, it could take a very long time to rebuild trust
  • Do you have a history of cheating? Cheating multiple times with multiple people shows a pattern and proving you have broken that pattern will take a long time

But ultimately what needs to happen isn’t hard.

You just have to be diligent, dedicated, put your ego aside for the sake of what’s right, and let down your defenses and excuses.

As I mentioned earlier, words are meaningless at this point.

You have already proven you can’t be trusted. So only your consistent actions over time will earn their trust back.

Over-communicate. Give your spouse access to your phone, social accounts, and email.

Don’t be defensive or make excuses. And above all, allow them to vent and process when, where, and for how long they need to. Rinse and repeat.

So here are my . . . 

11 Crucial Steps on how to prove you will not cheat again

1. Avoid all contact with the person you had the affair with

You must have a zero-tolerance policy here. There can be no exceptions. If they are a co-worker you should strongly consider changing jobs.

2. Change phone numbers and email addresses

Eliminate all the ways the 3rd person can contact you. Just because you have moved on and are no longer interested doesn’t mean they will be too.

3. Block the 3rd person on all social media accounts

Social media is a very tempting thing. Eliminate your own temptation to check up on the 3rd person while also eliminating another way for them to contact you by blocking them on all social media channels.

4. Give your spouse complete access to your phone, social accounts, and email

Your spouse will naturally be suspicious every time your phone rings or you get a notification of some kind. They may not ever actually check them, but give your spouse 100% access to all your accounts to ease their mind.

5. Allow them to vent as often as needed as long as they need to

A spouse who was cheated on will have a lot of pent up anger, frustration, and confusion. They will have good days and bad days, and some things will trigger those feelings more than others.

When they want to “talk” just allow them to vent as much as they need to. This will really allow them to feel heard and supported.

6. Avoid defending yourself when they are venting

When they are venting, they may say things that get your defenses up. They might even say things that aren’t accurate. Just allow them to vent without feeling the need to defend themselves.

Defending yourself will only drag it out longer, make them feel less heard, and could make you look guiltier.

7. Over-communicate your whereabouts when not at home or at work

If you are going somewhere other than work or home, make sure your spouse knows exactly where you are, who you are with, and when they can expect you to be home.

Then make sure you do exactly what you say you will do.

8. Don’t go out without your spouse for at least 6 months following the end of the affair

In the immediate aftermath of an affair, you should consider yourself under house arrest. Don’t plan to go anywhere other than work for at least 6 months unless your spouse is going too.

This will go a long way towards building trust and easing anxiety.

9. Expect this to take time, as much as 6 times however long the affair lasted

However long your affair lasted, multiply that number by 4.

While it’s not an exact science and your actions can definitely have an impact, that’s roughly how long it could take for things to get “back to normal”.

So a 6-month affair could take up to 2 years to work through.

10. Don’t put pressure on your spouse to “get over it” or even ask when they will “get over it”

Your spouse has a lot of emotions to work through. If they had a parent who cheated then it’s also bringing up their deep-rooted emotions over that too.

This will take time and you, as the cheater, must be patient with them or this won’t work. So don’t ever put pressure on them to get over it or ask for a deadline or timeline.

Do the right things, be patient, and kind, and you’ll get where you want to be.

11. Focus on being the best version of you that you can be – your consistent positive actions over time will do more than anything else

Nothing will prove to your spouse you won’t cheat again more than simply changing your own actions.

Be consistent, each day, in being the best version of you that you can be. Work on improving yourself and show up every day and you’ll not only end up with a better version of you, but you’ll also end up with a better marriage too!

Final thoughts

In this article, we took an in-depth look into the world of cheating and affairs.

We examined the crucial steps in the aftermath of the affair that must be taken to rebuild trust. But we also looked at what percentages of marriages survive this fragile time.

Specifically, we answered the question of how to prove you will not cheat again.

If you can prove that to your partner, you’ll be well on your way to completely rebuilding trust, restoring the relationship, and hopefully making your marriage better than ever.

I know that because I did it in my own marriage. If I can do it, so can you! What has been the hardest part of this process so far?

Statistics data courtesy of the General Social Survey conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago.