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Why Does My Wife Get So Angry?

By: Author Jeff Campbell

Posted on Last updated:

Categories Save Your Marriage

Marriage fights are one of the top reasons for divorce. But many couples argue without getting angry. For many husbands, it’s not uncommon to wonder why does my wife get so angry?

Most married women’s anger comes from a deep feeling of exhaustion or frustration in the marriage, and of not feeling heard or supported by their husband.

Based on studies, women are not always angrier than men; they just express it more often.

In this article, you’ll see that the key to helping your wife get over an anger issue is first understanding why this behavior happens.

From there, you’ll learn what you can do about it and some strategies to deal with aggressive communication you can start using right now.

Why is my wife so aggressive towards me?

An aggressive wife is often one who doesn’t feel heard, respected, or understood. They may feel they have communicated their needs clearly and lovingly without results and now feel they have to be more aggressive for their message to be received by their husband.

But an aggressive communication style can actually have a few underlying conditions for why they are happening. Let’s take a look at each more closely.

Aggressive communication style

In a normal disagreement, both people come together and focus on the problem at hand.

Their points and opinions revolve around the issue and are never jabs at their partner. This is the foundation of a productive argument and how to work through any problems that naturally arise in relationships.

An aggressive communication style is the exact opposite. If your wife seems focused on belittling you, making personal attacks, and “winning” the argument, she has an aggressive communication style.

Personality low in agreeableness

Personalities scoring low in agreeableness tend to be less empathic, display more selfish behaviors, and be more prone to argument. Your wife’s argumentativeness and aggression may be one result of having such a personality.

Lack of emotional intelligence

Knowing how to identify and process anger is a fundamental skill in managing our emotions.

As our emotional intelligence grows over time, we become more familiar with recognizing when anger is rising inside us. Most of us develop methods to stop ourselves from losing control. But, if your wife has not had the chance to learn a healthy coping mechanism, you may be seeing anger released at you instead.

The most important thing to remember here is that all of these issues can be overcome. And it’s never too late to rekindle your marriage!

Check out my recent article on the site for more advice on getting your marriage back on track. I include the exact tips I followed when my wife and I were on the brink of divorce in 2013, including the 1 tip that really made all the difference.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

How do I deal with an angry wife?

When faced with an angry wife, listen without feeling the need to interject, defend yourself, or try and fix the problem. Instead of looking at her temper as an attack against you, look at it from the standpoint that the most important person in your life is hurting.

Reacting in anger yourself is the biggest temptation when dealing with aggressive behavior. It’s important to not give in, take a breath, and respond with calm assertive statements instead.

Even though it’s the most natural response, your own angry reaction is the catalyst for emotions to spiral out of control. Once both people lose control, it can be very difficult to get an argument back to a productive place. Since your wife has difficulty controlling anger, it’s going to be up to you to keep cool.

It can be helpful to separate yourself from the argument and her mood.

This is someone who has lost control of their emotions and needs a release or help to find peace again. You can be that help.

This doesn’t mean you need to accept abuse.

If your wife starts getting personal and attacks you instead of the issue, stay calm, and don’t be overcome with anger. Instead, use a calm, assertive statement like “I’m on your side here. And I need you to stop [abusive behavior] if you want me to help with this.”

Make your needs known calmly and with compassion rather than scorn.

If there’s no change and she continues abusively, it’s okay to make an ultimatum. Say, “I refuse to keep talking with you if you’re not going to stop [abusive behavior].”

Then follow through and disengage for a while.

Your goal isn’t to “win” here. Your goal is to bring the argument back under control. Point it in a productive direction while preserving both your and her dignity.

Do your best to not respond in anger and stay compassionate.

Can anger destroy a marriage?

Having frequent, angry arguments is one of the leading causes of divorce. Having arguments is a completely normal part of any relationship, but it’s essential to not direct anger, criticism, or contempt at your spouse.

Of course, that won’t always be possible. If a wife just found out her husband was cheating, she is going to be angry. But if EVERY argument involves anger, yelling, or anything physical, that’s where it becomes a problem.

No relationship is perfect.

Fights are simply another part of being in a marriage. You might be surprised to know that the frequency of arguments has little to no impact on whether a couple will separate or not.

What matters is the quality of those arguments.

Some satisfied, happy couples may even fight every day. Learn more about why having arguments might be just what your marriage needs in my recent article.

In that article, I get into how successful couples argue without it becoming toxic or demoralizing. And I share some terrible details of the divorce rates of couples who don’t do that.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

But, if your wife’s anger brings every argument to a toxic place filled with resentment and personal attacks, something needs to change. A fight is a chance to improve something in your relationship together. If your wife turns each argument into a battle, nothing will improve.

You may find your marriage slowly eroding. 

Will therapy help an angry wife?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is the most effective type of therapy for anger issues. But marriage counseling can be quite beneficial as well if the anger issues stem from communication problems in the marriage.

So therapy has great results in helping deal with anger.

Most people with anger problems either aren’t aware of their behavior or simply don’t have the tools to process their emotions in a healthy way.

CBT is the form of therapy most often used to treat destructive behaviors like anger.

CBT is talk therapy focused on finding the underlying cause of anger. A therapist will then work to expose any irrational beliefs that exacerbate angry behavior.

Finally, they will show how our perspective and beliefs can work to our advantage instead of sparking a fit of rage.

CBT alone is about 50-75% effective in successfully changing destructive behaviors. Therapy combined with a genuine effort to change, awareness of how these behaviors start, and support from you will undoubtedly set your partner down the path to healing.

Is anger a sign your wife is cheating?

If your wife’s anger is a recent behavioral change, that can be a sign of cheating. But if anger management issues have been present for the entire relationship, it does not likely stem from cheating.

But at the very least, the anger is a cause for concern that something deeper is hiding beneath the surface.

When your wife’s treatment of you suddenly shifts to hostility, there’s usually a reason for it. If your behavior has been consistent, and her anger feels unjustified, cheating could be one underlying cause.

Cheaters often rationalize what they’re doing to avoid feeling guilty about their behavior.

Sometimes those rationalizations show up as anger or insult unjustly thrown your way. But before jumping to any conclusions that could damage your partner’s trust, look for some more common signs instead.

Although it is possible, anger isn’t all that common in cheaters. Instead, look for:

  • Secretive phone or computer use
  • Renewed interest in appearance
  • Change in schedule
  • A new hobby that doesn’t involve you
  • Change in sex frequency
  • Lack of emotional intimacy

If these sound familiar and you’re fearing the worst, check out this recent article on my site for more signs your partner might be thinking of leaving.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Takeaway

There are so many potential reasons your wife may seem to always be angry.

A personality low in agreeableness, an aggressive communication style, or low emotional intelligence may all be a culprit. The good news is these three can all be overcome with some guided effort.

Above all else, remember to keep your cool and always respond to her anger with compassion.

Getting angry yourself might be your first instinct. So, take a breath and separate yourself from the argument. Let your wife cool down by staying calm and redirect the argument in a positive direction.

And, of course, don’t stand for abuse.

Don’t lose hope, because it’s never too late! If you’d like to read about how to restore your marriage and fall in love again, check out my recent article loaded with advice to make it happen.

I was on the verge of divorce in early 2013, and yet here my wife and I are many years later, with a 3rd child and a great marriage. HOW we got here is what that post is all about.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

 
Jeff Campbell
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