There’s arguably nothing worse than that feeling that your spouse is cheating on you. But often it’s hard to be certain of it. Are you wondering how to tell if your husband loves another woman?
Here are the top signs of that:
- He becomes secretive
- His close family & friends start acting differently around you
- He no longer seems interested in sex
- He is on his cell phone a lot more when he’s home
- He’s gone from home a lot more than in the past
But there’s a lot more to know, and those are only a few of the signs.
So in this article, I’ll answer all the top questions surrounding the issue of a cheating partner and the telltale signs of a husband being in love with someone else. But I’ll also detail the top 35 obvious signs to look for. That way you can be more certain of what’s happening.
Then, and only then, will you have enough information to make an informed decision about what to do.
and now, here are my . . .
35 Crucial Signs That Your Husband Loves Another Woman
1. He becomes secretive
With any of these signs, look for drastic changes in behavior and not the behavior itself.
After all, if your husband has always been secretive, maybe he’s just naturally insecure or private and that’s who he is. In that case, it is not likely an indicator that he’s recently called in love with someone else or engaging in inappropriate behavior.
But if he’s recently started acting this way, and this is a sudden change, that could be a sign.
After all, text messages or mysterious phone calls could mean he’s hiding something. It’s, at the very least, a warning sign. Dive in deeper in a recent article that deals specifically with what it means if your husband hides his phone. But I also get into some not-so-sneaky ways to find out the truth.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
2. His family members or best friend starts acting differently
Often a man will confide in a close family member or best friend about an affair.
After all, it’s a lot to keep secret and even though it’s wrong, only a sociopath feels no remorse or guilt over cheating. So most men will tell a small handful of people.
But those people will now feel incredibly awkward around you.
So if you notice his family or best friend suddenly treating you differently, that’s a sign that they now have knowledge that makes them uncomfortable around you.
3. You see a lot of calls and texts to a new number in the call logs
Let’s be honest. Most of us have checked our phone bills once or twice. And while they don’t give us the name of the other person, it’s not hard to notice a new pattern of a large number of calls or texts to a number you haven’t seen before.
Now if they have recently changed jobs, or have a new project they are working on, maybe that makes sense.
But it could also be a red flag of something inappropriate going on. If you do see this, first make sure that the phone number isn’t in your own contacts. Then try Googling the phone number; a surprising number of people have their phone number public.
Lastly, you could use SlyDial which (for cell phones) which takes you immediately to their voicemail. Listen to the message and then hang up before the beep and they’ll never know.
It’s not a paid link or anything, but you can call Slydial (it’s free) here: 267-759-3425. Then at the prompt, just enter the mystery number.
4. You see a new female friend commenting on his social media accounts
Most of us have Facebook, Instagram, or maybe TikTok or Snapchat.
And most of us are “friends” with our spouses on those platforms. But if you are on your husband’s friend list and see a new attractive female, it could be worth checking out her profile.
That being said, on Instagram, I get followed all the time by young attractive women that I don’t know and have never met. If their profiles seem inappropriate or are just trying to draw people over to their OnlyFans page, I usually block them. But I get a dozen a week, so usually, I ignore them.
So Facebook is a better barometer as you have to actively accept friend requests back.
Or maybe you see a new woman who has been liking and commenting on a lot of your husband’s photos and posts and you have no idea who she is.
While not a clear sign of anything (could just be a new female co-worker), it could be a good sign if it’s in conjunction with some of these others.
5. You notice he’s buying expensive gifts or spending more than normal on the credit cards
Most of us log in and check our credit card or bank statements.
But what if you suddenly notice your husband has been spending a lot more than normal at expensive stores or stores that sell jewelry? Or maybe you see restaurant charges that are more than they would just be for 1 person.
Again, if this isn’t new behavior and he’s always spent lavishly, it could be nothing.
But as with the rest of these signs of a possible cheating husband, look for behaviors that are new or out of the ordinary.
6. He isn’t spending as much time at home
Has your husband suddenly started spending more time away from home?
Do you get the old “I had to work late” excuse when that never used to happen before? Or suddenly, he’s “out with the guys” twice as much as he used to?
An affair isn’t the only reason he is gone more now than usual.
But changes like that often mean he’s doing something new and potentially inappropriate. However, that could be addiction-related and doesn’t have to mean an affair.
7. His body language around you is different
As I mentioned above, only a heartless sociopath feels no remorse or guilt over an affair.
And those feelings make the cheater feel awkward around you. That can’t help but manifest itself in unusual ways. We’ll get into some of those below.
But one of the ways is for him just to be awkward around you; shifty, listless, or uncomfortable.
8. He isn’t paying as much attention to you as he used to
Now I will say it’s easy for most guys (and women) to become complacent in their marriage over time.
So by itself, if he’s less attentive, and not “courting” you as much as he used to, that doesn’t mean he’s having a physical affair (or an emotional affair for that matter).
But it could mean he’s now distracted by something (or someone) else.
9. It’s been a long time since he has had or initiated sex with you
Sometimes the cheating husband will keep having sex with his wife. But it will feel more detached and less emotional and intimate.
But more common is a withdrawal from sex, or at least from initiating it.
So if his interest in sex has suddenly dropped, while it could be an ED issue like low testosterone, if you see it combined with some of these others, that could be a red flag.
10. You see evidence of him gaslighting you as an excuse to leave the house
Gaslighting is kind of a new term. And since it comes from a movie, it’s actually not a technical or medical term. It is, however, when someone makes you feel crazy as a way to cover up their bad behavior.
So if your husband is now saying things like “I never said that” or acting as if you’re totally out of your mind and making you question your own sanity, he could be simply trying to throw you off the scent.
Dive in deeper on gaslighting in a recent article of mine.
I get into greater detail on what it is, how it gets used, why it gets used, and how to know the crucial difference between that and a simple misunderstanding or remembering a situation differently.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
11. He has less interest in socializing as a couple
Did you used to have couple’s game nights with friends or double date occasionally and now he always has an excuse as to why he’s busy or it won’t work?
Between his own feelings of guilt, remorse or just being uncomfortable, he won’t likely want to spend time around other people as a couple.
For starters, he could be concerned about the other woman seeing the 2 of you (who knows if she’s even aware of you or he may have told her that he left you). But he might also simply not want your mutual friends to pick up on his nervousness or changes in behavior.
12. He becomes forgetful about important things
Men are notorious for forgetting birthdays, and anniversaries, buying flowers, etc.
And as I’ve said a few times, if he’s ALWAYS like that, don’t sweat it; it’s just who he is. But if he’s only recently begun to forget those things, that might be a good reason to question his fidelity.
13. He won’t look you in the eyes
Going back to changes in behavior, avoiding eye contact, unless he’s always done that, is a huge red flag.
After all, he’s feeling a lot of conflicted feelings and only a total jerk won’t care about hurting your feelings. Plus he may feel that if you really “saw” him, you might figure out that something’s going on.
So being kind of shifty and avoiding eye contact with you is common with a cheater. You can get over the affair and make your marriage better than ever.
14. He changes the subject quickly when you talk about the two of you
My wife used to love to have deep, state-of-the-art-type relationship conversations.
And to be honest, they were never my forte. But I would do my best to listen and respond when she would initiate them. And I would stay focused and present.
But if I had suddenly changed the conversation abruptly, that is a good sign that something was wrong.
15. He starts taking out-of-the-ordinary work trips
When I worked for Whole Foods Market, work trips out of town or state were somewhat common.
But when I ran a martial arts school after that, I only ever did that once. But if I had suddenly started doing that once every couple of months at that point in my career, that would have been a huge red flag.
So if he never or rarely used to take work trips and now they are happening on a regular basis, that is cause for concern. If you know any of his co-workers and/or their wives, see if anyone else is doing this (or even knows about it).
And if a new attractive work colleague is also on these trips, that is something to consider if you’re seeing a number of these other signs too.
16. He becomes more critical of you
Sometimes when someone is cheating, they become on edge from having to live the double life they have created for themselves. While there’s no excuse, it is stressful having to live a lie and cover their tracks.
And sometimes people need a scapegoat or someone to take it out on.
So if this is happening in your relationship, don’t be surprised if he becomes critical of you or your appearance. He might also start comparing you to others or suggesting you do things to improve your appearance.
If you’re insecure about losing him to another woman, it might be tempting to make the changes he suggests.
But never change yourself for anyone other than yourself. He isn’t really wanting you to change. He’s agitated and trying to justify why the other woman is better for him.
17. You catch him in a lie
Inevitably cheaters have to lie.
Maybe they claimed they were working late when they were actually with her. Or maybe he makes up lies about work trips or spending or something else.
But eventually, you’re likely to catch him in 1 or more lies.
If he never used to lie and now he is, there has to be a reason. That reason isn’t necessarily that he’s cheating. But it is probably a sign of him doing something inappropriate.
18. He’s always on edge (more than usual)
When you’re living a double life it can be stressful.
Now I’m not at all suggesting you feel sorry for him. Even if the marriage was terrible, there’s no excuse for cheating. But I am saying that cheating could create the symptom of him being grumpy and on edge all the time.
You see when living a lie, something has to end.
That end could be the end of your marriage, but it could also be the end of the affair. And there’s just no way for him to know (since he’s not thinking clearly) which way it will go.
But something will end as he can’t have his cake and eat it too indefinitely.
19. He gets defensive quickly
As with being critical, cheaters also often get defensive quickly.
After all, they are living a lie and a double life. As I’ve said, unless they are a true sociopath, they are no doubt also feeling a lot of guilt and remorse too.
So if you ask too many questions or raise suspicions, don’t be surprised if he reacts extra defensively.
20. He claims you’re too controlling when you ask him questions
As your suspicions grow, you’re likely to start asking questions. Such as:
- Where were you last night?
- Why are you always working late now?
- What are these charges on the credit card/bank statement?
And those are natural questions to ask, and you have a right to ask them.
But don’t be surprised if he reacts poorly to those questions. He may get angry, and defensive, or he may accuse you of being controlling. After all, the last thing he wants right now is for you to find out the truth.
And when people feel attacked but have no defense for their actions, that’s when they typically attack back, even though there’s no justification for it.
21. His hobbies have changed
Has your husband suddenly started doing new hobbies he never had any interest in before?
It could be anything from golfing to bowling. But it’s new, and something he’s never mentioned before. Now all of us get introduced to new hobbies from time to time. And sometimes we realize we love that new hobby.
I went disc golfing with my buddy a couple of weeks ago and had a great time. And I might start doing that every once in a while.
So in and of itself, this isn’t a symptom of anything.
But a new hobby had to have been learned somewhere with someone. And if his buddies don’t engage in that hobby, that could be a red flag.
22. He’s drinking or doing drugs more than usual
The “other woman” is notorious for being younger, sometimes much younger.
But let’s be honest. Any woman who would sleep with another woman’s husband has issues. And sometimes those issues are tied to excessive drinking or drug use.
And if your husband is sleeping with her guess what he’s likely to join in on?
So if you see signs that his intake of those things has changed, that could be a bad sign. It’s certainly a sign of something new and negative in his life as people don’t suddenly change those habits for no reason.
But it doesn’t necessarily mean he is cheating.
23. Recent physical changes in his appearance
Is he hitting the gym for the first time in years?
Or maybe he’s doing more grooming or paying closer attention to personal hygiene? It is easy to get complacent in marriage. But often guys (and women too) stay in that complacent zone until something knocks them out of it.
In my case, I got knocked out of that zone when my wife asked for a divorce in the spring of 2021.
It came as a complete shock and surprise. But the end result, which I detailed in a recent article, was that I did indeed start to make changes in my appearance. I started dressing better, exercising more, and dropped 25 lbs.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
But things like that don’t just happen for no reason. So if you’re seeing that with your husband and there isn’t a reason to justify that, it could be a sign he is cheating.
24. You see comments from a woman you don’t know on his social media channels
Most of us cyber-stalk our spouse’s social media from time to time.
And it’s not uncommon to look at friends lists for unfamiliar faces and see who’s commenting or liking posts. And in some cases, we even go to unknown friends’ pages to see what our spouse is doing on their page.
And none of this is good (been there, done that).
It leads us down rabbit holes, feeds our insecurities, and almost never gives us any real information or proof of anything.
But combined with some of these other signs, if you do see a new woman on his friend list that you don’t know, and she’s all over his pages with likes and comments (and/or him on her page), that could be a red flag.
25. He is less responsive to your calls, texts, or emails
Again, we’re looking for changes in behavior.
If he’s always been slow to respond to you, maybe that’s just who he is. But if he used to send you a few texts throughout the day while one or both of you were at work, and was quick to respond to yours and now is not, that could be a sign.
Again, if he didn’t use to do this, it’s telling you that you are now lower on his priority list. You just have to find out why.
26. You find he has a new “secret” credit card
This one is arguably one of the worse signs.
That being said, it’s hardly proof he’s having an affair. A “secret” credit card is considered financial infidelity. But that doesn’t mean it’s tied to sexual infidelity. It could be due to gambling, drugs, or shopping addiction.
But he’s doing something bad if this has happened.
27. You catch him deleting text messages or call history
Most of us never think about the old text messages on our phones or our call history.
But if there are incriminating calls or texts, guess what he is likely going to start doing? That’s right; he’ll start deleting the evidence.
Now I don’t want you to snoop.
Snooping leads to neediness and can cause you to do things to damage the trust in the marriage almost as much as he might be. But especially if you don’t know if he’s doing anything wrong, why treat him like he’s guilty?
But if you happen to notice him doing it, that’s definitely a bad sign.
28. He begins to mention the name of a new female friend more than seems normal
Sometimes cheaters drop hints about their new love interest.
As crazy as it sounds, sometimes guys think that if they just casually mention her name occasionally, or even introduce her to his wife, it will somehow lower suspicions.
Usually, it has the opposite effect.
I won’t lie. I cheated on my wife in early 2013. And I did indeed mention her name and even introduced the other woman to my wife. It seems crazy in retrospect.
Or maybe cheaters just are secretly hoping to get caught as at least then they won’t be living the double life.
Luckily in my case, my wife and I chose to work it out and my affair ended about 2 months after it began. Then I began the work to prove to my wife that I was worthy of earning her trust back.
What are the steps I took to do that?
I detailed my exact process in a recent article. So if your husband does come clean and wants to work with you to save the marriage, make sure he’s doing at least some of the steps I outline, or the reconciliation is doomed to fail.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
29. He doesn’t initiate hand-holding or other displays of affection
When we’re out in public with our spouse, it’s common to hold hands, kiss occasionally, or maybe walk arm in arm.
But if he’s feeling conflicted inside about his feelings for you vs the other woman, he may stop doing this. Sure he may allow it if you initiate it so as to not arouse your suspicions. But he’ll stop initiating it.
30. He showers immediately upon coming home
I tend to shower first thing in the morning. But unless your husband works outside or does manual labor, he won’t really need to shower the moment he gets home.
If he does this on a regular basis and didn’t use to (and has the same job as always) he could be trying to hide the smell of another woman, her perfume, or other incriminating scents.
But if you can do it discretely, check out his clothes while he’s in the shower.
31. He has started washing his own laundry (if he didn’t before)
If you typically do the laundry in the house but suddenly you notice he’s doing his own laundry when he never did before, that’s a huge red flag.
Sure he could be just trying to do more around the house to help you.
But more likely he’s trying to avoid having you see or smell something suspicious like lipstick on his shirt collar or the smell of unfamiliar perfume.
32. When you do have sex he does something he’s never done before
Most of us just have sex with our spouse the same 2-3 ways.
Rinse and repeat. And yes, sometimes that can get boring. Some couples might watch porn together for inspiration or shop together at an adult store for sex toys.
But if he suddenly starts trying new things out of the blue he’s never done before in the bedroom, where is he learning those things?
33. He starts being overly nice or attentive
While it’s common for a cheater to be defensive and quick-tempered, sometimes they go the other direction.
They do this to try and keep their spouse from getting suspicious. But remember, any radical change in behavior is a potential red flag. So if he’s always been extra nice and attentive, that doesn’t mean anything.
But if he didn’t use to be that way and now is, it could be a sign he’s hiding something.
34. They become more jealous than usual or accuse you of cheating
As with gaslighting, or accusing you of being controlling, sometimes a cheater will accuse you of cheating or get overly jealous.
That’s partly because they believe that if they are doing it, you could be too.
But it’s also because the best defense when you have no excuse for your behavior is to attack. That’s why politicians routinely hurl accusations at the other side of the aisle when called out for bad behavior.
Attack when you have no defense.
35. You just know it intuitively
We don’t always get definitive proof, and that’s frustrating.
But sometimes we just have to trust our gut and go on instinct. So if deep down inside you just know something is wrong, despite the lack of clear evidence, there probably is something wrong.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a married man love his wife and another woman?
It is not possible to truly and totally love 2 people at the same time.
However, when a married man has an affair with another woman, the physical attraction paired with infatuation often leads to a feeling called limerence which, to the cheating husband, often feels like love.
So your husband may well think he’s in love with the other woman.
But the reality is unless he’s totally and completely out of love with you, or never loved you to begin with, he’s not really in love with her. He’s feeling what is known as limerence.
Dictionary.com describes limerence as:
the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person
Limerence also almost always ends.
Why? Because it’s not real. An affair typically lives in a fantasy world. There’s a lot of sneaking around. And most of the time, the couple isn’t around each other 24/7. They aren’t seeing the day-to-day habits and full personality traits.
They aren’t seeing the affair partner in dirty underwear or when they’ve forgotten to brush their teeth.
That’s the reality of being married and being around your spouse all the time. But in most cases, it just doesn’t happen with an affair partner. So the couple who are cheating live in this fantasy world.
Over time, that fantasy loses its shine, and reality beings to set in.
When that happens the other woman may question her choices. She may find someone else who isn’t married. She may get lonely sitting at home alone while the cheater is back home with his wife and kids. But the cheating husband may also begin to realize what he’s losing by continuing in the affair.
Limerence almost always ends.
What do you do when your husband loves another woman?
If you are certain your husband loves another woman, try these steps:
- Try not to lash out at your husband. While this is a natural reaction, in most cases, it will just push him toward the other woman.
- Don’t beg or plead for your husband to come back. This is also very natural, and it’s easy to feel like if our spouse just knew how much pain they were causing me, they would rethink what they are doing. But the reality is that 9 times out of 10, this will push them away (and into her arms). After all, are you at your most attractive if you seem needy, clingy, and desperate? No.
- See if your husband will go see a couples counselor. Even if he won’t, it would still be a good idea for you to talk to a relationship coach who is committed to trying to help you to save your marriage. But regular family therapists are better than nothing.
- Don’t contact the other woman. Again, this could backfire and cause him to move closer to her.
- Focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be. We all get complacent in our marriages over time. That can impact our style, diet, hygiene, sense of fun, and how we present ourselves to others. By re-focusing our energy on ourselves (instead of begging, pleading, or scolding your husband) we not only will be happier, but it creates the greatest opportunity for your husband to fall back in love with you.
- Be patient. Affairs don’t start instantly, and while many don’t last beyond a few months, the impact of the affair takes time to fade.
- Understand that if your husband ends the affair, he will grieve the loss of the other woman. No wife wants to hear that her husband is grieving for another woman. But he will, and if you deny that reality or try and make him feel guilty for feeling that, the recovery will take longer. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to be in your shoes. But if you want to save the marriage, find a way to push past that or at least not comment on it.
- Take ownership of your role in the demise of the marriage. Read that again, but understand I’m not at all suggesting that the affair is your fault. There is NO excuse for cheating. The affair is, instead, a symptom of problems in your marriage. And in 99% of the cases, those problems were created by both partners. Understand, own, and verbally acknowledge your role in that. Then focus on not falling back into those patterns.
What makes a man leave his wife for another woman?
Up to 25% of men cheat on their wives, but when a man leaves his wife for the affair partner, he believes that what he is going to is better than what he is giving up. That could be a more active sex life, but it’s more likely that he feels that she has more shared interests, is nicer to him, has a stronger emotional connection, or is more aligned with his core values.
But make no mistake, most married men that cheat don’t leave their wives.
In fact, only about 25% of cheaters actually leave their spouse for the affair partner. So assuming you want to save your marriage, the odds are actually significantly in your favor. (source)
And even when they do leave their wives and marry the affair partner, the divorce rate for couples like that is a whopping 75%. (source) That is again due to the fact that the cheater at least, isn’t really likely in love with the other person.
They are in limerence which as I mentioned above is sort of an obsessive infatuation that, over time, almost always ends.
Check out all the surprising and shocking infidelity statistics in a recent article. I get into all the numbers, but I also share how many men cheat versus women, and how long the affair is statistically most likely to last.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
How do you know when your husband stops loving you?
If you think your husband is no longer in love with you, look for 3 or more of the following signs:
- He’s not interested in sex
- He’s gone at work or with friends more than usual
- He shuts down if you try and have tough conversations
- He never initiates texts when he’s away
- A lack of interest in you and your life
- He only says “I love you” if you say it first
- You find out about his plans in the moment as opposed to him checking with you first
- He isn’t present to you when you are together and seems distracted
- He’s often on his phone when you are together, and there’s a lack of quality time
But as I get into more below, if you recognize some of these signs, but he’s always been this way, that may not mean anything. What you really want to notice are sudden changes in his behavior.
When someone suddenly starts doing something very differently than they did before, there’s always a reason, and that can be a bad sign.
Now that reason doesn’t have to be an affair or being in love with someone else. Big changes can come about for a lot of possible reasons; the loss of a close pet or family member, newfound sobriety, an increase in drinking or drug use, or what might be best described as a mid-life crisis.
But if you see several of those signs and they are indeed new behaviors, that could be a sign your husband doesn’t love you anymore.
But in truth, there are actually 13 key ways to know if your husband still loves you.
Luckily, I get into all 13 in detail in a recent article. I dive in deep on each one and share the 1 sure-fire thing you can do to prove whether he still loves you or not.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
Why did my husband choose the other woman?
In most cases, limerence is what drives a husband to choose the other woman over his wife.
This is an obsessive infatuation that skews the perspective of the person in it which often makes them believe the affair partner is their soulmate and that they’ve never experienced love like this before.
But the reality is, it’s not real.
It’s not really love if they are in limerence. Limerence drives us to be needy, clingy, and unhealthily obsessed. It can cause reckless behavior that would otherwise be completely out of character. And when a married man falls for another woman, it’s almost never real true love.
And because the average affair is done in secrecy in fleeting moments, there’s almost nothing “real” about it.
You aren’t seeing 100% of the other person as they really are. A husband, in this case, is likely only seeing the affair partner dressed up in sexy clothes with perfect hair and makeup.
They aren’t seeing them frumpy or grumpy.
And that lack of reality can distort the image of what they think they are getting by leaving their wife for the affair partner. That doesn’t make it any less painful for you.
But if they do leave you completely for the other woman, once reality and the day-to-day hum-drum sets in, that glamor wears off.
And when it does, there’s a really good chance they will come crawling back.
How can I attract my husband back?
To attract a husband back who left for another woman, don’t beg, plead, or get angry.
Instead, focus on being the best version of yourself that you can be; taking better physical and mental care, and dressing to feel good about yourself. Then keep communication brief but congenial.
It’s not always easy to be calm and easy-going around a wayward spouse.
But that’s crucial to not pushing them away (and further into the arms of another woman). You see when we beg or plead, that’s a very unattractive way of behaving. It makes us seem desperate and needy. It might make him feel sorry for you. But it doesn’t make you attractive.
And attraction is the best way to get him to want you more than the affair partner.
Make no mistake, there’s nothing you can do but use time as your ally to make the relationship fizzle between your husband and the other woman. But the more attractive you become, the more confident, self-sufficient, and positive, and the more attractive you will be to him.
But don’t make any of those changes for him, or with the sole intent of “winning” him back.
You do this for yourself because you deserve it. And if he doesn’t come back, guess what? You’ll be so much happier for yourself, and that will naturally help you attract the next potential partner.
I know it seems counter-intuitive to not focus on him or the marriage, but if anything will work, it will be presenting yourself in the best possible light and not engaging in behaviors that push him away.
You can get over the affair and make your marriage better than ever.
Final thoughts
So I’ll leave you with this.
Nothing is certain, and even if you can see all 35 of the signs I just mentioned, that’s not completely definitive proof that your husband is cheating or in love with another woman.
But it does significantly increase the likelihood of that being the case if you’re seeing a lot of those signs.
So trust your gut, but also look at the facts. And also know that even if your husband is cheating and in love with the other woman, that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
