There’s no worse feeling than your spouse cheating on you. Except if they actually leave you for their affair partner. While wives cheat too, it’s often the husband. So you’re probably asking how to get your husband back from the other woman?
Here are the top 19 things to do to win your husband back from another woman:
- Don’t avoid him or cease all contact
- Do avoid angry, accusing, drama-laden communication
- Don’t beg or plead with him
- Don’t try and make him feel guilty
- If you have kids, don’t try and turn them against him (but it is OK to be honest in an age-appropriate way)
- Communicate briefly but regularly about “business items” such as kids, finances, or friends or family members.
- Focus on being positive and upbeat around him
- Make physical, emotional, and spiritual changes to better yourself
- Be patient. It’s OK to have a time frame for how long you’re willing to take, but this will take time
- Accept your role in why the marriage was diminished. All marriages take 2 people to make or break them.
- Do see a therapist on your own
- If he will go, also see a couples counselor
- Be a safe place for him to feel comfortable sharing his feelings
- As he begins to share more, listen fully, and avoid judgments or outbursts
- Understand that he will need time to grieve the loss of the other woman when their relationship ends
- Also, understand you cannot control him. You can only control yourself and your actions and reactions
- Avoid trash talking him to family or friends. It will backfire when he eventually hears it and if you reconcile, it can make it awkward for future gatherings.
- Avoid talking about the situation on social media
- Do look and act your best when you are around him
But it’s not quite that simple.
So in this article, we’ll dive deep into the world of affairs, cheating, and the challenges many married couples face when a cheating husband starts a new relationship.
We’ll answer all the top questions, AND find a way to get your husband’s heart back as quickly as possible. It will take some hard work, and there are some definite no-no’s we’ll get into also.
So let’s get started.
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Will my husband regret leaving me for another woman?
Statistically, husbands regret leaving their wives for another woman 32% of the time. And men who marry their affair partner see that relationship end in divorce 75% of the time.
The reason your husband’s new relationship is almost certain to fail is that no matter what he thinks, he probably really isn’t in love. Instead, he’s feeling something a relationship expert would call “limerence”.
Dictionary.com describes limerence as:
the state of being obsessively infatuated with someone, usually accompanied by delusions of or a desire for an intense romantic relationship with that person
I can tell you as a husband who once cheated on my wife in 2013 that at the time I did believe I was in love with the other woman.
But it wasn’t really love (easy to see in hindsight).
And I did feel a combination of guilt, shame, regret, and remorse. But the pull of the limerence is strong also. And because the relationship with an affair partner isn’t 100% “real”, it’s easy to see the new relationship as superior.
After all, when you’re cheating:
- You don’t usually see the affair partner’s dirty laundry
- You and they are on your best behavior, so fights are minimal
- The relationship is mostly focused on sex
So when you’re only seeing a small part of the other person, and they you, it’s not really a “real” relationship. You’re only getting glimpses of the good stuff. So, of course, it seems better than your marriage.
After all, in an established marriage:
- We often see our wife without make-up in dirty underwear
- We argue over picking up around the house or other mundane tasks
- Kids, work, and life often take priority over sex and intimacy
So comparing a new life with a younger woman to the life with a wife that has gotten into a complacent rut isn’t a fair comparison.
And even a successful relationship with a new woman will eventually fall into some of those same complacency issues.
In the end, I made the choice to try and save my marriage and cut it off with the other woman. It was a bumpy road and I did struggle to consistently be the person I desperately wanted to be.
But I made it through, and your husband can too.
What are the signs that your husband wants to leave you?
Some of the tell-tale signs of a husband who is planning to leave his wife include:
- He works late a lot more often than normal
- He has become either more emotionally distant or more argumentative than normal
- He is less interested in sex than he was before
- You begin to notice him making improvements in his appearance
- He doesn’t communicate his whereabouts anymore
- He has started laying his phone face down
- There is less public display of affection (at least initiated by him)
- You find evidence of a new bank account or credit card in his name only
Of course, any one of those signs by themselves doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
But in combination, it could certainly be a sign he is planning to leave you or is in love with someone else.
I wrote a recent article that actually details 35 crucial signs your husband is in love with someone else. So if you just suspect that and don’t know for sure, make sure and check that out.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
But let’s explore a few of the best ones from my list above.
1. He’s more emotionally distant or argumentative
If a man is about to cheat, has been cheating, or if he’s just planning to divorce his wife but hasn’t told her yet, those are big emotions to keep bottled up.
So chances are if he’s doing that, it’s really doing a number on him emotionally.
And that is likely finding its way out in inappropriate ways. Now, if he’s always been emotionally distant, then it may be nothing.
With all of those signs, we’re looking for noticeable changes compared to the norm.
2. Less interested in sex
Men like sex. Now, of course, women do too. But what it takes for a man to want to have sex is a lot simpler (generally) than it is for women.
And if he used to like to have sex once or more times per week, and now that’s fallen off, that’s a bad sign.
Because if he isn’t having it with you, ED issues aside, he’s probably having it with someone.
Now if your sex life was already non-existent, that could be what led him to look for an affair. But does that actually justify cheating?
In a recent article, I get into that exact subject. What might surprise you was not only how infrequently the average married couple has sex, but how often men use that to justify cheating.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
3. He’s more secretive with his phone
I just set my phone down wherever. And I set it down face up so if someone calls, I can see who’s calling.
And that’s what MOST people do who don’t have something to hide. So if your husband has recently done any of the following things, they are potential red flags:
- Put a new lock screen on his phone
- Switched to face or fingerprint ID lock
- Started setting his phone face down
- No longer sets his phone down
But again, we’re talking CHANGES in behavior. If your husband has always had a lock screen or always sets it face down, that might not be anything.
Not sure?
I have a recent article that dives in a lot deeper on some of the possible reasons a husband might start being secretive with his phone. And while they are all bad, it doesn’t mean it’s always cheating.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
How can I make my cheating husband fall in love with me again?
In short, it is not possible for one person to make another fall in love with them. However, it is possible to focus on being the best version of yourself possible and remind them of the qualities that made them fall in love with you initially.
So the first step, as counter-intuitive as it might sound, is to just focus on yourself.
You’re going to feel a lot of things if your husband is cheating or even left you for the other woman. You’ll be:
- Angry
- Sad
- Lonely
- Frustrated
Those are natural feelings to feel.
BUT if you want to win your husband back, it’s crucial that you not express those feelings to him. Now I’m not suggesting letting him off without consequences.
But I am saying that in order for him to have consequences, you first have to get him back.
And to get him back, you can’t start by pushing him further away. So instead, find someone else to talk to like a therapist, best friend, or pastor. It is important for you to not bottle up your feelings.
But if you lash out at him, beg or plead, you’ll only push him away and further into her arms.
So instead, as I said above, focus on being the best version of you that you can be. But don’t do it for him. Do it for yourself. If anything will work to bring a married man back, it will be this.
But even if it doesn’t work, you’ll still be a better version of yourself and that will naturally attract others to you when you’re ready.
So what do I mean by “being the best version of you”?
Here’s what I did when my wife suddenly left me in 2021:
- I started a new exercise regimen and dropped 25 pounds
- I got back into martial arts (which I had stopped in 2020)
- I began eating healthier
- I started meditating every morning
- I started seeing a therapist
- I started wearing long pants daily instead of shorts
Now in my case, while the ink isn’t dry yet on our divorce decree, those things didn’t cause my wife to fall back in love with me. But I feel great, and I’m in better shape physically, mentally, and emotionally.
And while I’m not ready for a new relationship yet, when I am, I’ll be the best version of me that I can be.
How do I get my husband to regret leaving me?
A husband will regret leaving his wife 32% of the time. But to increase the likelihood, focus on improving yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. By reminding him of the you that he first fell in love with, the odds increase that he will feel regret and possibly change his mind.
(source)
So it won’t be any grand dramatic changes that make your husband regret leaving you.
Instead, it will be the little things, but important things, that will be the best way for him to see what he’s missing and regret his decision. But honestly, even if he won’t say it unless he’s a sociopath, he’s probably already feeling regret.
So how do you show him that you’ve changed?
If you have kids together, it will be easier as you will naturally be communicating with them throughout the week. If you don’t have kids, you probably still have a mortgage, bills, taxes, pets, or something else that will require communication.
What I don’t want you to do is tell him directly what you’re doing.
He might feel that you’re doing it to manipulate him or make him feel guilty. And you might want him to feel that way. BUT, if your goal is to get him back, we can’t start by pushing him away.
Instead, it will be better if he notices and comments.
And while much of your communication might be via text, especially if you have kids, some of the communication will be in person.
Let him see that you’re:
- Dressing better
- Losing weight
- Wearing your hair differently
- Wearing makeup again
- Calmer and more in control of your emotions
Or whatever positive changes it is that you are making for yourself.
And when you do communicate via text messages (or email), match his communication. What I mean by that is that if he typically takes several hours to respond, you do the same.
If he sends 1 quick reply, don’t bombard him with a flurry of texts.
And keep the texts, calls or emails focused on your “business items” (kids, finances, etc). Unless he brings up the other woman don’t bring it up. Don’t ask when he’s coming back to you. But you want him to remember the good times when he sees and communicates with you.
Ultimately you want to feel like a safe place for him.
And yes I get that it takes a bigger person to be that port in the storm for a guy who is cheating on you, if you want to win him back, this is crucial.
Will my husband ever realize what he lost?
Given husbands regret leaving their wives 32% of the time and have a 75% divorce rate if they marry an affair partner, it is very likely they will realize what they lost in the process of walking away from their wives.
So yes, he will likely come to that realization.
The question is will he come back? So you have to give him a reason to come back. I had a friend who cheated on his (now ex) wife back in 2013. He left his affair partner to rekindle his marriage.
But she never really forgave him for the affair.
To be fair, he probably just wanted her to get over it and probably didn’t do the work to earn her trust back. But the end result is she was constantly nagging him, picking on him, and taking passive-aggressive shots at him.
Eventually, he had enough and divorced her 3 years later feeling like she would never be able to get over it. So while he did initially realize what he lost, she made him feel like a prisoner so much he eventually fell back out of love with her. And now he’s her ex husband and she’s remarried.
So if your goal is to get him back, it’s vital that you also find a way to forgive him and move on.
That won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight. But it is crucial if you two have any chance at a 2nd chance at true love.
So make sure you have an outlet to vent your feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and despair.
Also, realize that if your husband is in limerence with the other woman, it will take time for that limerence to end.
So how long does limerence last?
On average, the limerence phase of an affair lasts 24 months. But the range can be as few as 3 months and as long as 36 months.
So I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.
But it is possible for that feeling to go as long as 3 years. But the good news is it IS likely going to end and end badly. And it could only last a couple of months.
And when it does end, he will have to grieve the loss of that relationship.
And that will be painful for you to console him for the loss of another woman. But if you truly become his safe place, it’s the right thing to do if your goal is to get him to come back to you.
What can speed up the process of his limerence ending?
If you have kids together and have made a complete life for yourself, it will naturally be harder for him to completely remove himself from his life with you.
And the more he sees you (especially if you’re focused on improving yourself and not communicating in a way that pushes him away), the greater the likelihood he’ll see what he’s missing and start to regret and reevaluate his decisions.
So the first thing is just to show him, without telling him, that you are an amazing catch and he’d be a fool to pick someone else over you.
What if you don’t have kids together or a mortgage?
Without significant things to tie you together, it will be harder to get him to see you in person and keep the lines of communication open.
I just have to be honest.
But if you are married, and not yet divorced, there has to be something you need to communicate about occasionally (bills, taxes, family, or friends). So just make sure those communications are positive and that he feels safe opening up to you.
Once he starts to feel safe, you may find he increases the frequency of communication and the depth of the talks.
And the longer he stays with the affair partner, the more of the everyday mundane life he’ll begin to see in her too. And if you’re getting better (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) while she’s losing her glossy sheen, that can definitely work in your favor.
How do I make my husband realize my value?
A husband will realize his wife’s value when he sees it. Men are visual creatures and can’t be told things or have them vaguely implied. So he will have to see physical, emotional, or spiritual changes that are positive, genuine, and appear to be long-lasting.
It’s also crucial that he not think you’re doing it to manipulate him.
So make sure you are making the changes in yourself for you. Yes, it’s OK to want him to notice, but you can’t control your husband’s life or anything other than your own actions and reactions.
The harsh reality is he may never come back.
And while it’s OK to mourn and feel regret over the demise of the relationship, you need to get yourself to a place where you are comfortable being without him and don’t need him to feel good about yourself.
That’s not an instant journey, nor is it easy. It’s a lot of work.
But it’s also the only thing that is likely to make him realize leaving you was the biggest mistake of his life. And it’s the best thing for you in case you eventually find yourself looking for a new relationship.
So show him you’re changing by how you look and how you communicate.
If you used to regularly fly off the handle and being around you was like being on an emotional roller-coaster, find healthy outlets for your stress and anxiety.
Guys are initially attracted to drama, especially guys with co-dependent tendencies and/or abandonment issues. But we get tired, eventually, of constant blow-ups and overly dramatic conversations.
And if you were married for any length of time, chances are some of the things that you both got complacent about were in place for a long time.
So if that sounds familiar, start to do yoga, meditate, see a therapist or do something to help you better regulate your emotions.
Emotions aren’t a bad thing. But if you aren’t in control of yours, that can lead to a lot of bad things in life.
And then physically, as we’ve discussed, start dressing better. Start taking better care of yourself.
In my case, aside from some of the changes I mentioned above, I also got teeth whitening strips and got some medicine for a nail fungus issue that has plagued me for decades.
I want to be at my very best emotionally, physically, and spiritually. For myself mostly. But also for others I will eventually meet too.
How long does it take a husband to realize he wants you back?
On average, it may take a man from 4-6 months to potentially realize he made a mistake by leaving his wife. But if there is an affair happening, and the husband is feeling limerance, those feelings can last up to 3 years.
So it depends a lot on the situation, how bad the marriage had become, whether kids are involved, and especially whether or not he is or was cheating.
But speaking generally, men are simple creatures who respond visually.
So your best chance of getting him to realize he made a mistake is by you looking and feeling your best and living your best life.
But that doesn’t mean seduce him (necessarily).
When I left my first wife many moons ago, I recall seeing her out at a club (after I moved out but before the divorce was finalized). She was looking great but was begging me to have sex with her and offered to get a hotel room on the spot.
But the desperation was a turn-off.
And I somehow knew that even if we had done that, the very next day what would have been different? How would our marriage, which had deteriorated significantly, be better?
Instead, while in my case it wouldn’t likely have worked, it would have been a far better strategy for her to just make sure I saw her having fun.
Maybe even make sure I saw her flirting and getting attention from other guys.
How do you make your husband feel guilty for hurting you?
As a general rule, it is perfectly appropriate to tell a husband how his actions made you feel. But if the intent is to get him back and save the marriage, avoid trying to manipulate, guilt-trip, or “punish” him for his behavior.
So, in short, what is your goal?
As Gandi once said, “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind”. So if your goal is just to punish him, get even, or make him feel bad, that isn’t likely going to save the marriage. And even if you do stay together, it’s not a recipe for long-term success.
But as I said, it is appropriate for you to tell him how his actions made you feel.
BUT there is a right and a wrong way to do that, and depending on where you are at on your journey of reconciliation, the time may not be right yet either.
If he is still gone and with another woman, telling him how hurt you are might make him feel guilty, but will also assuredly push him away from you as well.
And if he’s with an affair partner, then you’ll be pushing him more towards her.
So if your goal is to get him back, and he hasn’t left her yet or started a reconciliation process, it is best to wait until that happens before you start having those deep, emotional conversations.
Then when you do, HOW you talk to him is vitally important to keep things moving forward.
I like to use the formula:
- When you . . .
- I feel . . .
- Because . . .
Here’s an example of what I mean specifically in your situation.
“Honey, when you left me for another woman, I felt humiliated, betrayed, and disposable, because I just couldn’t understand how you could do that to someone you said you loved.”
Now that is a heavy statement and no doubt will bring up a lot of tough feelings for both of you.
BUT, look at this statement which basically says the same things, but would undoubtedly derail the progress you’ve made:
“You’re such a selfish A-hole. I can’t believe you left me for that skank! How could you do that to me and the kids. You’re a worthless piece of $hit! I deserve so much better!”
Now, you might well feel a lot closer to that 2nd statement and that’s OK.
BUT if your goal is to get your marriage back on track and make it better than it ever was, you can’t say that to your husband. Save it for your therapist.
I would also suggest avoiding saying it to family and friends.
After all, when you trash your spouse to your family and friends and then later tell them you’re reconciling, it can be very confusing for them and they may never treat your husband the same way again.
And tension around family and friends can definitely derail a reconciliation.
But more importantly, when your thoughts dwell on negative things, especially about your spouse, we begin to focus on the negative instead of the positive.
And that won’t help you whether you save your marriage or not.
Final thoughts
Does your husband love another woman?
In this article, we took a harsh look at what happens when your husband leaves you for an affair partner. We looked at all the dos and don’ts of getting them back. But we also looked at some of the issues that may have pushed him away in the first place.
While professional help can be a good idea, there’s actually a lot you can do on your own right now
I know it’s a hard time for you right now. I’m on the verge of divorce myself despite my doing a lot of things right since my wife told me she wanted a divorce out of the blue in mid-2021.
But it IS possible to get your husband back from the other woman.
And you can even do it quickly, but the key is to make sure and do all the right things and avoid all of the so-called “push behaviors” I addressed above.
Get a FREE copy of The Ex-Back Handbook – https://newmiddleclassdad.com/exback
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