Save Your Marriage

My (now ex) wife and I often struggled in our marriage due to her inability to connect with me emotionally. So learned to spot some of the emotionally distant wife signs.

Some of the signs of an emotionally distant wife include being on the phone constantly, deflecting blame onto others, shutting down during arguments, using drugs or alcohol to excess, and being a control freak. She may also be hypercritical of her spouse and others.

Marriage is supposed to be a union when 2 people come together.

But for some of us husbands, our wives aren’t always there for us on an emotional level. While sometimes the issues are clear, I wondered what some of the less clear signs of an emotionally distant wife might be.

So in this post, we’re diving deep into the world of wives who aren’t fully able to connect with their husbands on an emotional level.

So now let’s review the . . .

19 Worst Emotionally Distant Wife Signs

1. She is vague, aloof, or evasive in answering questions

Nothing scares an emotionally distant woman more than deep meaningful conversations about her, her past, your relationship with her, or what she’s feeling.

So, anytime the conversation turns that way you might see a vague, non-committal answer and redirecting the attention away from herself.

2. Sometimes she seems to blow things way out of proportion

Because she’s keeping pain masked inside of herself, it naturally will build over time and eventually find a way out. When that happens, it often explodes and comes out in ways that seem way over the top for the conversation you were having in that moment.

You’ll likely be caught off guard as to why she reacted as strongly as she did.

3. She’s flirty but avoids in-depth discussions

Emotionally unavailable women (and men) love to flirt. They can be vivacious, loud, sexy, and give off very attractive energy.

This too is kind of a smoke-screen as they want to make their partners feel like are building emotional intimacy in an attempt to quickly move past that stage.

But it’s superficial. It lacks any real depth or connection.

4. They tend to be a control freak

Because most emotionally unavailable women have issues rooted in childhood pain, abuse, or neglect, and as a child, they felt helpless and out of control, as an adult, they often have an unhealthy obsession with control.

They (mistakenly) feel that by trying to control everything now, they are somehow protecting themselves from future harm.

5. She has a big ego

Lots of external things can be used to mask insecurity and ego is certainly one of them.

Bragging is a way of trying to improve how someone feels about themselves. Unfortunately, since it’s rooted in vanity instead of accomplishments, it actually tends to make people feel even more insecure.

6. Changes the subject quickly when her past comes up

It goes without saying that emotionally distant wives (or husbands) don’t always want to address the issues in their past that caused the pain that is at the root of their issues.

So, any attempt to talk about it, or if the person at the root of the issue is still in the picture, she’ll often do ANYTHING to avoid feelings and discussion.

7. She can seem inconsiderate, or unaware of how her actions affect others

Because she’s so focused on masking (and in some cases self-medicating) her pain, she’s often oblivious to how her actions affect her husband, kids, family, and friends.

She’s not truly selfish, but she’s so locked into her own defense mechanisms, she can’t truly provide for anyone else’s needs.

8. You see signs of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem affects LOTS of people.

Society, school, family, and friends all put expectations on us (and are usually well-meaning). But when we fail to meet those expectations, especially repeatedly, we start to feel like a failure.

For an emotionally unavailable wife, without getting help, she will start to feel like a failure as a wife (and mother if you have kids), all of which can destroy her self-esteem.

If you need some awesomely simple, but effective Tips on Boosting Self-Esteem (click to read on my site), check out one of my earlier articles which details some powerful steps ANYONE can take today to start seeing a difference tomorrow.

9. You feel alone even when you’re with her

One of the biggest downsides of being with an emotionally distant wife is that no matter how much you are around her, or what you do with her, you still feel alone.

That loneliness can grow over time too and it can also cause husbands to try and cling more tightly thinking that will improve the emotional intimacy (which it won’t).

For me and my (soon to be ex) wife, it made me needy and clingy as I just craved that emotional intimacy and connection she was mostly unable to give. The less she gave, the more I sought it.

And my behavior, a reaction to hers, ultimately pushed her away.

10. She spends more time on her phone than talking with you

The phone is a huge part of our lives these days. In many ways screens are great (you’re likely reading this on one). But they can also cause a distraction, and lead to a huge disconnect. It’s ironic given they are designed to help us connect.

If your wife is constantly on her phone and not engaged at the moment and present to you and what you are both doing, that’s a clear emotionally distant wife sign.

If you think she might have a Cell Phone Addiction (click to read on my site), review some of the sure signs of that and check out some of my proven steps that I KNOW will help with that.

11. Indifference towards you, even in an argument

If your wife doesn’t even get angry or frustrated in the heat of an argument, that too is a bad sign.

After all, relationships are supposed to be built on passion. If that passion goes away, it can be hard to sustain anything else.

12. She talks down to you

It’s totally OK to disagree with your spouse (or anyone else).

But in this day and age, it’s become increasingly common to be intolerant of anyone whose opinion is different than yours. That’s honestly a huge societal problem, and a subject best left for a different article.

But if your wife can’t argue with you without criticizing you, name-calling, or belittling, that’s a huge problem. Not only is it disrespectful, but it’s destroying the relationship.

In fact, it’s one of the 4 Worst Things a Couple Can Do to Each Other (click to read my article which reviews all 4) according to renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman.

13. You are low on the priority list

An emotionally unavailable wife simply can’t focus on much beyond her own needs and keeping up that protective shell around her.

So, you, as her spouse, will often be WAY down on the priority list, especially if you have kids.

14. She’s quick to deflect blame away from herself

Defensiveness, not taking ownership, or at the very least adding a “but” to the end of an apology are the cornerstones of people who are emotionally distant, broken, or unavailable.

To take REAL ownership requires vulnerability, and until she has started to heal and move forward, that just won’t be possible.

15. She has little to no interest in sex

While emotionally unavailable men, can still (sometimes) engage in sex without emotional intimacy, sometimes (but certainly not always), an emotionally distant woman will withdraw from sex.

This is because sometimes (but again, not always) it’s harder for women to separate sex and emotional intimacy.

16. You have no idea what she’s thinking about

When we feel alone, disconnected, and separated from our wife, it gets very hard to understand, relate to, or know what she’s thinking.

17. She drinks alcohol or does drugs to excess

Nothing masks the pain of trauma, abuse, or neglect quite like drugs and alcohol. So, while many use these things recreationally without a serious issue an emotionally distant wife (or husband) uses these things as a crutch.

Because they don’t want to feel their feelings, they continue self-medicating hoping the pain will go away. Because the pain is inside them, though, they are never able to escape it, often leading to increasing levels of use and abuse.

18. She’s unwilling to go to therapy

Is there anything quite as vulnerable as seeing a therapist?

After all, in therapy, we are literally spilling our guts to a complete stranger. So it’s VERY common for emotionally distant men and women to refuse to go to therapy. Sure many are savvy enough to say things like “I don’t need therapy” or “I use yoga/martial arts/reiki,, etc” as my therapy.

In truth, those are excuses to avoid being vulnerable. While not every therapist is great, if the issues are deep-rooted, true healing often can’t begin until they try therapy.

19. She shuts down during arguments

There’s nothing worse than the dreaded silent treatment.

You are having an argument and then abruptly, without warning, your spouse stops participating in the conversation and just won’t continue.

You have no idea when, or even if, the conversation will continue. They have taken control over the entire situation and often won’t say anything further leaving the other in limbo.

In truth, the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation.

If you think you engage in this, know that it’s OK to take a break if you are overly frustrated or need a minute to cool off. But it’s not OK to leave your spouse in limbo indefinitely.

Just let them know you need a moment alone but let them know when they can expect to continue to the conversation.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does it mean to be emotionally distant?

Being emotionally distant means to not connect with others emotionally or show emotion in any significant or consistent manner. They may feel emotions deeply, but struggle to express them to those they love.

If you are in or ever have been in a relationship with a spouse or partner who is emotionally unavailable, then you understand the frustration that comes with never fully getting to connect with them on an emotional level.

Throughout much of our marriage, my wife rarely let me “in”.

While she could be very flirtatious and sexual, it was obvious that there was also a wall she had built around her to protect her from being hurt by others.

That distance led to me feeling lonely, alone and fueled my own insecurities. It also led me to try and pull closer, becoming clingier and more controlling in the process.

In short, it led our marriage down a very unhealthy path that both of us contributed to.

Sometimes an emotionally distant wife or husband might be:

• Evasive when asked in-depth questions
• Be defensive
• Easily angered
• Vague in answers (or just sticking to cold facts instead of talking about feelings)
• Highly critical of you or others

All of these attributes are designed to create space and emotional distance from others. They build an emotional wall which they believe protects them from getting hurt.

As the husband of an emotionally distant wife, you may end up feeling sad, depressed, isolated, unloved, or even ejected.

While it’s probably more common for women to complain about emotionally unavailable men, it’s actually more common than you might think for there to also be a lot of emotionally unavailable women.

I have a companion article to this one that goes into the same level of detail about the Signs of an Emotionally Distant Husband (click to read my article) so that article is well worth reading too.

After all, ANYONE is capable of being or becoming emotionally distant, so it’s a problem any of us can face and knowledge and awareness is the key to overcoming it. Ironically, oftentimes emotionally distant or unavailable people will be drawn to each other.

Is it an ongoing disconnect or temporary?

If you are seeing the emotionally distant wife signs, just know sometimes the situation is temporary, and other times, it’s ongoing.

If someone disconnects temporarily, it could be due to:

• A health issue (with themselves or a family member)
• Priorities at work
• Financial stress
• A recent emotional crisis like a divorce or death of a loved one

But if you have been married for some time and your wife is emotionally distant, chances are it’s something more ongoing (and thus serious). 

What is emotional detachment?

Emotional detachment is a disorder that is clinically recognized. These people either avoid potentially uncomfortable situations altogether or people who simply shut down; the classic silent treatment.

Of course, if your wife is emotionally unavailable, that does NOT necessarily mean she has emotional detachment disorder.

But as I mentioned, emotional detachment disorder actually has 2 possibilities.

It may be when someone avoids uncomfortable situations knowing they could lead to anxiety. Thus, they just avoid situations that might cause them to shut down emotionally.

But emotional detachment disorder could also refer to people who shut down emotionally when dealing with a stressful situation.

The classic silent treatment, while not necessarily indicative of someone having emotional detachment disorder, is a great example of this latter description.

If your marriage struggles with your spouse giving the silent treatment, just know it’s NOT acceptable and IS a form of abuse and manipulation.

So I really suggest you take a moment and review my highly shared article that defines the Silent Treatment (click to read my article), explains just how toxic it is, AND walks you through fixing it in your marriage.

What are the signs of emotional detachment?

There are a few things to look for if you think your wife has emotional detachment. So review the following list of symptoms of emotional detachment and see how many fit:

• She is unable to share her emotions
• She’d rather be on her phone than talk
• She suddenly goes quiet and shuts down
• A lack of compassion for other’s feelings
• Non-committal
• Refuses to plan for the future (prefers to just live in the moment)
• She has a history of long-distance relationships 

Ultimately, we’re talking about a pattern of keeping people at arm’s length. Some of the signs of an emotionally distant wife include not letting anyone get too close.

Conversations are superficial, humor is used to deflect uncomfortable topics, and ultimately she will build a wall around herself to protect her from being hurt by anyone.

Why is someone emotionally detached?

Many things can push us away emotionally and become detached from our spouse and others, such as post-partum depression, sexual abuse or trauma, betrayal, and menopause.

Often, but not always, these are rooted in childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect.

With men, it’s not uncommon for Dads to really push their sons to “man up” and not show emotions, to not cry, and to not be vulnerable. While this is getting to be less common than it was in decades past, it’s still a widespread practice for raising boys.

With women, the roots of being emotionally unavailable are often different.

Women can become emotionally distant due to a variety of factors such as:

• Post-partum depression
• Feeling alone and isolated
• Wanting a family but not being able to get pregnant
• Having a family too soon (and not getting to be a young adult)
• Menopause
• Serious illness (breast cancer, ovarian cancer)
• Unresolved past sexual trauma
• Betrayal by a loved one

But either way, men and women who struggle to express themselves emotionally in a healthy way often end up self-medicating with drugs and alcohol.

Since they have repressed their emotions, they don’t fully understand them and drugs and alcohol help numb the pain that comes with that.

Can you reverse emotional detachment?

Emotional detachment can be reversed. Start by being honest with those closest to you about it. Then, be honest with yourself about the root of the issue. Lastly, take baby steps towards being the person you want to be, being kind to yourself along the way if you slip up.

Emotional detachment is a simple defense mechanism.

Over time, things happen to us that are painful. We can meet those things head-on, feel our feelings, and then let them go. But more often than not, people don’t want to face the pain, so they bury it deep down inside them.

The biggest downside with pretending the pain isn’t there is it causes us to build walls and keep others out.

We end up observing life instead of living it. When we do that, while we are technically avoiding the painful feelings, we are also robbing ourselves of feeling true joy, bliss, and love.

To reverse emotional detachment or any form of emotional disconnection or unavailability, we have to first just acknowledge the elephant in the room. That acknowledgment has to start with ourselves, but it also needs to extend to family and friends.

Trust me; everyone else knows what’s going on. So by admitting it, you’re taking the 1st step towards fixing it. The longer you’ve been living with your walls up, though, the longer this process may take. So be patient.

The next step is learning to overcome the illusion of control.

People try and control when things have happened that made them feel out of control. Thus, the child of an abusive parent might become an abusive parent because at least they were now in control.

In truth, we have no control over anything other than our own actions, statements, and choices.

Thus, we have to accept that sometimes people will hurt our feelings.

Relationships might end, people could betray us. But we can’t control anyone else’s actions, and building up a protective emotional wall doesn’t actually change that; it just keeps us from being able to really experience the true joy and meaning of life.

How my wife overcame her emotional detachment

Ultimately in the case of an emotionally unavailable wife, we have to first determine the underlying cause of the emotional detachment.

Both my wife and I have some level of emotional detachment.

In my wife’s case, she grew up the child of drug and alcohol abusers. It wasn’t uncommon as a young child for her parents to pass joints around with her right there in the middle. Then when her folks split, her Dad virtually vanished for many years.

Her mom remarried another addict who became her step-dad.

Her childhood was far from being age-appropriate, and there were a number of times when they went without food or electricity because her dad blew the money on drugs. She became emotionally detached and unavailable as a means of protecting herself from pain.

After all, if the most important people in her world could let her downtime and time again in such significant ways, how would the rest of the world treat her?

Like me, my wife has had a lot of therapy.

Another key step in her overcoming her childhood issues was that she (and I also) quit drinking alcohol for about 3 years once we (and our marriage) hit rock bottom in 2013. Our marriage almost came to an end after I had an affair in 2013.

Luckily, instead of imploding, we used that chaos to really get our heads on straight, including sobriety, and began to really focus on and admit our own childhood issues that were damaging our relationship and making both of us emotionally distant.

I chronicle our journey about Overcoming Infidelity (click to read on my site) and rebuilding trust in one of my most popular articles on Pinterest. Definitely check it out if that has ever been an issue in your relationship.

Ultimately, our efforts weren’t enough to save our marriage in the long run, and she announced in the spring of 2021 that she was done, which came as quite a shock given how far we’d come.

Check out this recent article to explore why a wife might suddenly announce that without warning, and whether that’s fair given there had been no warning signs or pleas for wanting something to change.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Overcoming emotional detachment in my life

In my case, my being somewhat emotionally unavailable was rooted in a fear of people leaving that I developed at a young age.

My mother and father divorced when I was 6 months old. By the time I was 2, she had remarried and we moved 1000 miles away.

I grew up having only a fleeting relationship with my father, who struggled to come out in the late ’60s and early ’70s. The challenges he faced as a gay man in the early 70s took most of his time and attention, leaving little for me.

Over time we grew close (up until his passing in 2014). But I detail my life in one of my early posts about Growing Up with a Gay Father (click to read on my site) which at one time was my most popular.

By the time I was 11, they too had divorced due to his alcoholism and physical abuse towards my mom.

My step-father, the man I had grown to call Dad, then died a few years later. I chronicled that part of my life also in a highly shared post about Growing Up with an Alcoholic Father (click to read on my site) and breaking that cycle of addiction.

It wasn’t until years later, after seeing a number of therapists, and having several failed relationships, with my wife and I’s marriage at a crisis that I finally came to terms with my childhood issues and how they tended to cause me to sabotage relationships.

I would do things to cause them to end so that at least the demise was (seemingly) within my control.

Like the alcoholic who finally admits they are an alcoholic, once you come to terms and accept why you do the things you do, you’re halfway to fixing things.

Can a marriage survive without emotional intimacy?

Most marriages will have a really tough time surviving without emotional (or physical) intimacy. A lack of intimacy builds resentment, confusion, and can push a partner to infidelity out of a need to get their needs met and feel that connection with someone.

Without a connection, you’re basically just roommates; there’s no connection, no spark, no passion. True, you can be physically intimate without being emotionally intimate (hence one-night stands exist).

But for most marriages, the two often go hand in hand.

And if your wife is just not available emotionally, it will be very challenging to go through life together when life gets tough (and it will).

I go into much greater detail on Can a Marriage Last Without Intimacy? (click to read on my site) in a highly shared post.

So if you’re wondering that same question, you might be really surprised by the success rate of marriages lacking in that department. Just click that link to read it on my site.

How can you tell if someone is emotionally unavailable?

If you are looking for the signs of someone who was emotionally unavailable, look for some of the following:

• Mixed signals (excited one minute and aloof and distant the next)
• A flatterer (someone who excessively compliments and flirts)
• Perfectionist (someone who strives for constant perfection out of a need to control)
• Overly critical of past relationships (can sometimes be within reason, but it’s rarely all someone else’s fault)
• Quick to get romantic (moving to sex quickly is a great way to avoid emotional intimacy)
• Big egos (confidence is one thing, but being conceited is often used to mask low self-esteem)

Of course, those aren’t the only signs of an emotionally unavailable wife or husband. Many also won’t possess ALL of those traits.

But it’s a great place to start and good to not ignore warning signs in the heat of the moment.

When my wife and I met in October of 2005, the last thing on our minds was whether either of us was emotionally unavailable.

We were excited; we felt that spark and electricity.

She and I had also both had tumultuous relationships that had recently ended, so it just felt nice to feel that pull to someone without the noise and baggage that comes with long-term relationships.

But as we got to know each other better, we began to realize there was damage there that led both of us to being limited in our ability to connect with each other.

It just showed up in different ways for her than it did for me.

How do you live with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

If your spouse is emotionally unavailable, stop placing unrealistic expectations on them, and just appreciate them for who they are. It’s OK to talk about it and express how it makes you feel. But expecting them to suddenly be different will result in both of you feeling frustrated and disappointed.

In the case of my wife and me, neither of us was fully able to connect emotionally with each other. We both had walls up as a defense mechanism; they just presented themselves differently.

Unfortunately for my wife, the pain she was burying drove her to drink; sometimes to excess.

For me, while I did drink, it rarely got out of control. Instead for me, it drove me to be overly critical, short-tempered, irritable, and placing blame, and finding fault (in everyone but myself) was very important.

Luckily, we both found ways of working through our issues and stopping drinking alcohol for about 3 years was pretty huge for both of us. It helped give us that clarity and allowed us to really come to terms with our demons without clouded judgment or numbed pain.

If you are living with an emotionally unavailable wife or husband, try these steps:

• Understand their triggers (that doesn’t mean walk on eggshells around them, but knowledge is power)
• Know your own triggers too (so you don’t take things more personally than is really warranted)
• Ask questions more than making statements (statements make people defensive)
• Do talk about your feelings (when you (do this), I feel (this feeling), because (of this)
• Be patient with them (and yourself and the process)
• Appreciate them for who they are
• Avoid placing expectations on them (sets yourself up for disappointment and arguments)
• Ask their opinion and listen (don’t just wait your turn to talk)

Can marriage counseling help emotionally distant wives?

Yes. Marriage counseling is a great resource for anyone who struggles to connect emotionally with their spouse. And a good therapist can help even if your spouse refuses to go or doesn’t think they have a problem.

For a wide variety of issues, seeing a good therapist or marriage counselor can really help couples understand and work through issues, as can individual therapy.

My wife and I were lucky enough when we lived in Dallas to work with a therapist who would work with us both individually and together and since we each had separate issues as well as issues in the marriage, it was a tremendously helpful way to help us heal and move forward.

So if you’re wondering If Marriage Counseling Can Help (click to read on my site), check out one of my highly shared Pinterest posts on that marriage counseling and some of the really surprising benefits you might get from it.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Final Thoughts

In this post, we took an in-depth look into emotionally distant wives and what some of the signs might be that indicate that.

We explored the reasons why a wife might become emotionally disconnected, whether that emotional disconnect can be reversed, and if a marriage can survive without intimacy.

If you like this post, please follow my Save Your Marriage board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top marriage experts!

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All couples have disagreements. But while I’ve been married for well over a decade I still wonder about how to avoid the different types of marital conflict.

The types of marital conflicts include inappropriate use of technology, jealousy and being controlling, the silent treatment, sexually destructive behavior, using kids as a weapon, money fights, criticism and contempt, addiction, abuse, and using sex or intimacy (or the lack of) as a means of control.

Let’s face it, anything from forgetting to wash the dishes to spending more time with friends than a spouse can be cause for complaint.

Communicating about annoyances or issues in the relationship are perfectly natural and healthy ways for couples to express themselves and learn to problem-solve in a mature and respectful manner.

But there are certain circumstances where marital conflict can turn deadly – either to the relationship or to a spouse. That’s why we’re looking at 11 deadly types of marital conflict you should avoid at all cost.

co-authored with Rachael Pace, marriage and relationship expert over at Marriage.com.

What is marital conflict?

ALL marriages have struggles and all couples disagree or have arguments sometimes.

That is totally normal.

What isn’t normal or healthy are the types of behavior and conflicts that get destructive either to themselves or their spouse.

Deadly conflicts in a marriage are not just a difference of opinion.

Instead, it’s often an ongoing behavioral pattern that is so destructive it crumbles away the love and support once present in the marriage.

We sometimes see these types of marriage conflicts fester for years and replacing love, affection, tenderness with bitterness, critical sarcasm, anger, apathy, and eventually hate.

Ultimately selfishness and insecurity are at the root of most of this kind of behavior.

To fix a marriage before it’s too late we have to:

• Forgive the past (not forget, but forgive and start fresh)
• Put aside pride and ego
• Understand that both people likely played a role in causing the damage

The real key is to start to do that work before it’s too late.

Many couples are turned off by the thought of “working” on your marriage, but Marriage IS Hard Work (click to read my article to see the difference between hard work and misery). That doesn’t mean it’s grueling, back-breaking work.

But ANYTHING worth doing requires time, effort, focus, and dedication. Why should marriage be any different?

So now, let’s review the . . . 

11 Deadly Types of Marital Conflict You Should Avoid

1. Electronic Harm

Phubbed. This is a new term that refers to being ignored by a partner in favor of their cell phone.

In a study from Baylor University about mobile device addiction, 308 couples were polled to see how they felt about their partner’s cell phone use.

The results showed that a staggering 46.3% felt they were being “phubbed” by their spouse.

But feeling ignored by a spouse is just the beginning of an electronic marital conflict. Other harmful behavior includes:

• Sending or requesting sexual pictures without consent
• Demanding passwords to social media/phone/email accounts
• Snooping through your online accounts without permission
• Harassing through text
• Threatening to use nude photos or other electronic information against you
• Putting spying/monitoring systems in the house, on the car, or on your online accounts

Not convinced? I’m not suggesting you toss your electronic devices out (after all, you’re reading this on one), but setting limits and boundaries for yourself, spouse and especially kids if you have them is crucial for mental well-being.

Check out exactly How Technology Affects the Brain Negatively (click to read my detailed article) to learn more.

2. Extreme Jealousy

A study by The American Journal of Family Therapy looked at common problems faced by Brazilian couples.

They found that jealousy was one of the biggest causes of marital conflict.

Jealousy doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Healthy jealousy can inspire spouses to be kinder to one another and value what they have in the relationship.

However, severe jealousy can result in physical, sexual, verbal, and electronic abuse that can quickly turn dangerous.

3. The Silent Treatment

Using the silent treatment to get your way is deeply unhealthy behavior that can ruin your marriage because it takes away your ability to talk to your spouse.

Communication is essential for a healthy, happy marriage.

It helps couples resolve problems and get to know one another better. Your spouse should be someone that you trust, rely on, and depend on for anything.

When the option of communication has been removed from your partnership it can cause irreparable damage.

Not sure how to stop yourself or your spouse from giving the silent treatment? Check out one of the most shared Middle Class Dad posts on Pinterest about exactly How the Silent Treatment Hurts Us (click to read my detailed guide), AND how to stop it.

4. The Deadly Impact of Jealousy and Controlling Behavior

Insecurity and jealousy can cause one partner to exhibit controlling behavior that can put their spouse in a dangerous and even deadly position.

Signs of controlling behavior include:

• Distancing a spouse from their friends or family
• Controlling a spouse’s cell phone or online accounts
• Using religion as an excuse to dominate one’s spouse
• Refusing to listen or communicate
• Making a spouse feel guilty or overly dependent
• Unwanted or excessive criticism with the intention of lowering a partner’s confidence

5. Sexually Destructive Behavior

Research from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence shows that 1 in 2 women and 1 in 5 men experienced sexual violence victimization.

They also found that 1 in 5 women will be raped in her lifetime – often by an intimate partner.

Further research by the U.S. Department of Justice reports that 1 in 9 men and 1 in 4 women experience severe intimate partner violence.

That violence often involves:

• Sexual misconduct
• Stalking 
• PTSD
• Injury
• Contraction of a sexually transmitted disease

Joachim Lafosse’s ‘After Love’ is a believable portrait of marital conflict: https://t.co/qzHSGZGaDz #Cannes pic.twitter.com/87rsw3AQVx

— The Film Stage ? (@TheFilmStage) May 15, 2016

6. Conflict That Uses the Children

Studies from the National Institutes of Health show that children function better emotionally, physically, and mentally when their parents get along and make their marriage a priority.

With this in mind, another devastating form of marital conflict is those that put children in the middle of adult problems.

Using children as a go-between to talk to a spouse or threatening to take them away can be emotionally scarring for both children and parents.

7. The Terrible Ways Money Can Destroy a Marriage

It isn’t always easy for couples to talk about money.

Staying on budget, overspending, or disagreeing about how to spend and save income are all common issues faced by married couples.

Yet, if couples aren’t careful, poor financial behavior can lead to uncomfortable conflict.

Constantly fighting about finances or purposely withholding money or refusing to provide for the family can lead to emotional, health, and economic problems.

Believe it or not, while everyone knows of marriage counseling, there are also marriage counselors who specialize in finances. Since money fights and money problems are often in the top 3 reasons for divorce, why not take a moment and review all the Benefits of Financial Marriage Counseling (click to read my article).

8. Disturbing Emotional Conflict

Emotional conflict is one of the most common forms of abuse and control in marriage. This deadly behavior includes:

• Purposely humiliating one another
• Constant criticism
• Spiteful or consistent infidelity
• Name-calling or using derogatory terms
• Isolating a partner
• Purposely scaring a partner
• Threatening self-harm to get your way
• Spreading rumors or lies about your partner

These are all terrible behaviors that can cause emotional distress and ruin lives.

Criticism, defensiveness, and contempt are three of the absolute worst behaviors that a couple can do to one another according to renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman.

They also tend to lead to divorce in an overwhelmingly high percentage of the time.

If you are seeing any of what he calls the Four Horsemen (click to read a complete breakdown of the 4) (the silent treatment mentioned above is the 4th), then I highly recommend you take a moment and review one of the most shared Middle Class Dad posts.

That post walks you through all of them including how to fix a marriage that has them.

9. When Addiction is Involved

Alcohol or drug addiction can create extremely dangerous marital conflict that can be deathly.

Research from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism shows that each year 696,000 college students (aged 18-24) will be assaulted by another student under the influence of alcohol.

I (Jeff) know firsthand what alcoholism can do to a marriage and a family Growing Up with an Alcoholic Father (click to read my story).

In the above-linked post, I walk you through my personal journey of dealing with my step-dad’s alcoholism, how it destroyed his marriage to my mom and how it impacted me and my relationships as an adult.

Obviously, alcohol enjoyed in moderation can be just fine. But if alcohol abuse is showing up in your marriage, I urge you to take action before it’s too late.

10. Physical Abuse

More research from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reveals that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience some form of physical violence from an intimate partner during their lifetime.

This behavior is never okay.

Further research from the National Institutes of Health also shows us the really deadly impact it can have on marriages.

They note that when domestic violence shows in a marriage or relationship, the risk of homicide goes up by 500% when there is a firearm in the home.

Going back to my (Jeff) comment above about my alcoholic step-father, my Mom did finally leave him, but only after he literally knocked her teeth out.

So if you are seeing ANY signs of physical abuse just know that it’s not your fault and you need to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself (and kids if you have them) safe. If the abuser promises to change, then they can work on that alone while you are safe.

11. Using Sex as a Weapon

Using sex as a weapon can have devastating effects on your marriage.

Physical intimacy between partners has been shown in a study by the National Institutes of Health to lower stress, which can help spouses be more tolerant and loving toward one another.

Further studies by the National Institutes of Health reveal that the oxytocin hormone released during intercourse increases trust, marital satisfaction, and emotional intimacy between partners.

Withholding sex and its wonderful benefits all to get what you want from your partner can create emotional distress that can lead to divorce.

Wondering Can a Marriage Last Without Intimacy (click to read my article which answer that question)? Check out a recent post here on Middle Class Dad to check the odds and see some simple solutions for fixing it.

Allan King’s A MARRIED COUPLE (1969) is a revealing documentary about a pair of ex-bohemians struggling with the demands of marriage & the changing gender roles of the 60s. Jaw-droppingly intense in its examination of marital conflict, King finds drama in the couple’s daily life. pic.twitter.com/sctwgLzQ5s

— Criterion Collection (@Criterion) March 23, 2018

What are the types of couples?

Different “experts” claim different numbers of the “types of marriages or different types of couples”. So you may or may not recognize all of these types, but the Top 5 Types of Marriages are:

• Partnerships – Couples who see each other as equals who both work and see their marriage as a business partnership. They balance the needs of the household equally.
• Independents – Couples who cohabitate but live large portions of their life separately. Conflicts tend to be minimal as they don’t feel the need to agree or compromise.
• Degree Seekers – Couples who are drawn to one another seeking to learn and grow from one another, but who often are very different from each other.
• “Traditional” Roles – Traditional marriages typically see the husband as the breadwinner and the wife runs the household and is a stay at home mom.
• Companionship – Here, both spouses are looking for a life partner and best friend. There is a great deal of affection and time spent together as they take on the world and life’s challenges together.

In truth, you may find that your marriage blends 2 or more of these together, and that’s OK.

There are pros and cons to all 5, so dive in deeper over at Marriage.com to learn more and to identify which type your marriage is.

What is a volatile couple?

A volatile couple is one of the 5 types of couples that Dr. John Gottman identifies in his book, Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love.

His 5 types differ greatly from what we listed above, so they are worth mentioning too: Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached.

Specifically, volatile couples are extremely emotional.

During an argument, their goal is not necessarily to try and understand the other’s point of view but to persuade them they are wrong.

On the plus side, while they love a good debate, they also love humor and laughing and will include much of that in their communication. While they clearly love to stand their ground and argue a point, they stay away from disrespectful or belittling communication.

Dr. John Gottman is my (Jeff) favorite marriage expert. He and his wife Julie have done more studies and research over decades than any other marriage researcher. His book Making Marriage Work (click to read my review) may literally have saved my marriage.

So if you’re curious, take a moment and read my review of his book.

How do couples resolve conflict?

This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it?

So right out of the gate, know your goal shouldn’t be to have a marriage without disagreement. ALL couples fight, argue, and disagree.

Your goal should be to argue with your spouse in such a way as to NOT make each other feel worse about themselves or fearful, or filled with anger, rage, or hate.

Here’s how to handle conflicts in a marriage:

• Set aside time to talk – put the kids to bed and the phones away and if it’s a serious issue, no alcohol
• Listen actively and empathetically – Don’t just wait your turn to talk or think about your rebuttal, but really listen to what your spouse is saying and put yourself in their shoes
• Avoid name-calling, profanity, and accusations – Instead, ask questions and talk about how your spouse’s actions make you feel. Focus on your feelings and not what you think they did wrong
• Compromise – Understand you may not always come to an agreement. It’s OK to not agree with your spouse on everything. What’s not OK is being so unwilling to bend or see their point of view that you lose sight of the big picture

The art of empathetic listening is HUGELY important for couples, so if your marriage is struggling with communication, I highly recommend you take a moment and review how Empathetic Listening Can Help Your Relationship (click to see my tips).

Final thoughts

In this post, I walked us through the world of marriage fights, problems, and some of the deadliest types of marital conflicts that destroy marriages.

We look at data and statistics that confirm the issues, but more importantly, we answer all the top questions about marriage conflicts AND some solutions you can take to improve your marriage.

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If you like this post, please follow my Save Your Marriage board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top marriage experts!

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About the author of this post:

Rachael Pace is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples.

She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.

Want to write for Middle Class Dad too? Check out everything you need to know on my Guest Blog Page.

If you are dealing with one of the abusive types of marital conflict, don’t keep yourself in harm’s way. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Seek marital counseling, confide in a trusted friend or family member or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224 to get help.