divorce

How to Rekindle Your Marriage – 15 Ways that Really Work!

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old dried rose rekindle your marriage rekindle love middle class dad

My wife and I had a great marriage for years, but there was a time when she told me that she wasn’t IN love with me anymore. I knew I needed to take action, so I began to research how to rekindle your marriage.

Here are the best ways to rekindle your marriage:

  1. Spend quality time together (put the kids to bed & put phones down)
  2. Increase physical touch without the expectation of sex
  3. Make your sex life a priority too
  4. Be 100% accountable for your actions
  5. Appreciate your spouse without expectation
  6. Don’t look to your spouse to make you happy or for feelings of validation

But there’s a lot more to rebuilding trust in a damaged relationship and rekindling the lost passion in a marriage.

So in this post, we’re diving deep into the world of stale, boring, and even broken marriages. We’re answering all the top questions, reviewing advice from some top relationship experts, and walking you through the best way to rekindle your marriage when the love has faded.

15 Proven Steps to Rekindle Your Marriage 

1. Spend time together weekly

Kids, bills, dinner, yard-work, business dinners, that new episode of whatever.

The world seemingly conspires against you and your spouse just getting to hang out. So the first place to start is with making your spouse a priority. You have to consciously make it happen.

Use an app if you must or a calendar, but have weekly date nights!

2. Talk and connect regularly

After work when the kids are in bed don’t just turn on the TV, pour a glass of wine and sit next to your spouse in a vegetative state.

That’s OK some nights, but it shouldn’t be every night.

Get together sometimes and just talk.  Connect.  Over coffee or after dinner.  Meet up for lunch occasionally. Make an effort to connect with each other’s lives, thoughts, goals, and fears.

This person is (hopefully) the biggest part of your life, so why should we expend the least amount of effort on them?

3. Avoid placing expectations on them

There is a saying from Tony Robbins I love:

“Trade your expectations for appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant”.

Essentially that means don’t focus on what you think your spouse should be doing.

Just be appreciative of who they are and what they are doing and what they bring to the table.  It’s essentially a glass half full or empty proposition.

When all you focus on is what they aren’t doing, you’ll never feel satisfied. If you see your spouse as a constant disappointment, that’s a recipe for divorce! Trust me. This goes a long way towards you feeling happier and more fulfilled.

4. Take 100% ownership and accountability

Anyone in a long-term relationship has done things to damage it.

Maybe one of you had a problem with drugs or alcohol.  Or had an affair. Perhaps you were overly critical and always on edge.

It could also be more benign habits. But over a period of years, even the smallest issue can become draining to our spouse. It can take its toll on love and being in love.

So if you know you’ve contributed to the broken relationship it’s not enough just to stop the behavior.

Acknowledge it!  Own it. Accept it. Apologize for it. You don’t need to dwell on the past, but you do need to take responsibility for it so your partner can heal.

That, in turn, will often cause them to let their guard down and own their behavior too.  Then and only then can you truly begin to move forward in forging the best chapter yet in your romantic relationship.

There’s no shame in making mistakes. The shame comes in repeating them and/or not taking responsibility for them. Learning how to rekindle a marriage must include accountability.

5. Make sex a priority

As with #1, the world again conspires to push sex by the wayside.  Men and women also have different sexual needs. And our needs change differently as we age. And it’s also true that each of you might have a different sex drive.

That being said, sexual intimacy and physical affection are an important part of ANY relationship and it can be very hard to have a rewarding and lasting relationship without them.

Make sex a priority. Keep it interesting. Change it up, and don’t cast it aside.

If you’re too tired at night after the kids go to bed, make it part of the morning ritual.  Schedule it if you must like Adam & Kristina Braverman on Parenthood.

But make it a regular part of your routine and you will rekindle your marriage.

6. Touch and connect without the expectation of sex

Aside from making sure sex is a priority, it’s also important to touch your partner without the expectation that it’s leading to physical intimacy.

Women want to feel valued for more than just being a sex object.

Yes, they want to feel sexy and desired. But they also want an emotional bond and to be appreciated for all the many facets and aspects of their personality. A true intimate connection goes way beyond just sex.

Emotional intimacy is fostered by touch. A sense of security and connection with our partner is created by physical connections.

Hold hands, snuggle, kiss.  If it leads to sex; great!  But don’t initiate it for that reason.

7. Fake it till you make it

I know that phrase is a bit controversial but I like it.

Anything we do, when we are first learning it (or trying to rekindle it) will feel awkward.  It feels foreign and unfamiliar; a bit unnatural.

Learning how to rekindle a broken marriage is no different!

But you didn’t stop riding your bike as a kid just because it felt awkward at first.  You kept doing it until it felt natural; until you fell into a groove and it became part of who you are.

So any task, habit, or direction you want to take in life can be seen in the same way.

If you and your spouse have had love diminish, go through the motions.  Follow the steps above.  It will feel a little awkward at first, but the good news is it will eventually feel totally natural; you will fall back in love again!

8. Don’t look to your spouse to make you happy

Only you can make yourself happy.

It’s true that others can do things to anger or sadden us, but our own inner happiness is ours to own and nurture.

If you expect your spouse to provide your happiness you’re in for a disappointment.  They can bring joy, love, and support, but don’t lose sight of looking inward.

9. Have some activities away from each other

We don’t need to do EVERYTHING together. An ex once told me “wouldn’t it be great if we could spend every minute together with no one else ever around?”

At the time I thought it was sweet.  Now older and wise I realize how truly co-dependent and potentially smothering that really was.

Have hobbies and activities away from each other. Not all the time, and not even the majority of the time.

But have interests and friends outside of your marriage or relationship. Then when you do come together you’re excited to see one another and you have interesting things to talk about.

10. Build true intimacy

Intimacy means closeness and familiarity.

Our spouse is often the person with whom we let our guard down the most.  As damage in the relationship happens, the guard comes up and trust diminishes.

So when working on relationship issues, it’s essential that we work on rebuilding intimacy.  It’s one of the most important things. Be less defensive, say things that don’t make your spouse feel defensive.

As the guard comes down and intimacy and emotional connection improve, so will the marriage.

There are MANY ways to help build intimacy, so I urge you to check out all 31 incredible ways you can Restore Intimacy in Marriage (click to read my article) in one of my newer posts.

11. Change up your sex patterns

After a couple has been together some time, it’s easy to fall into routine patterns.

When we’re talking about sex, the routine can sometimes become boring.  Now don’t get me wrong, most of us would rather have routine sex than none at all.

But change it up once in a while! If your spouse is usually the one who initiates it, you initiate it every once in a while. Change positions or even location.  Spice things up a little and create new experiences!

12. Make a list of your favorite memories

All long-term couples will have a few standout moments of the early days of the relationship; places, events, concerts, or simpler moments where they really enjoyed time with their spouse.

Often that’s in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.

Write those moments down. If you want to take it a step farther, print out pictures from them and create a photo album of them or a montage of photos in a frame on the wall.

As you recall those moments, it’s an easy way for the feelings you had for your spouse at that time to return.

13. Alter your routine

Married couples, especially with kids in the mix, tend to fall into a routine each week.

Getting kids ready for school. grocery shopping, cleaning the house, etc. We fall into a rhythm and find ourselves doing the same things each week and most days of the week.

So, it can get a little boring.

So next time you want to do something, change it up! Do something together you used to do separately. Change the days you do some tasks. Allow some lesser important things to get moved to the back burner.

As life gets more interesting and less routine, your marriage will follow suit!

14. Understand each other’s love language

When my wife used to ask me to tell her in-depth, exactly why I love her, I fumbled at my words.

But if she asked me to build her something, fix something, or schedule something, I am ALL about it. I show love through my actions and less so through my words.

But learning to get more comfortable with your spouse’s love language is a great way to build (or rebuild) connection on a deeper level.

When you put aside expectations and just appreciate your spouse AND the ways that THEY choose to show love you WILL be happier.

Each person shows and expresses love differently and it’s not fair to expect one spouse to show you love how you think it should be shown. If they aren’t showing it at all, that’s a different problem.

But do take time to understand and appreciate their (and your) love language.

The 5 love languages are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

So if your wife’s love language is words of affirmation but you rarely tell her you love her or appreciate the things she does, she may feel unloved even if you buy her a lot of things or spend a lot of time with her.

15. Examine your friends’ list

Are most of your friends single or divorced? Are they are the bar or club every weekend drinking heavily and hooking up with strangers?

When you (and they) are in your early 20s and single that’s OK.

But as we get older, get further down the career path, get married, and especially when we have kids, behaviors like that don’t have a place in our lives anymore.

But if you still hang out with friends like that, however great a person they might be, it affects how we think (negatively).

I’m not saying to ditch all your single friends, but I am saying that according to the noted speaker and author Jim Rohn (and often misappropriated to Aristotle):

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

So, begin to cultivate friendships with people that you’d like to be more like and slowly begin to spend less time with people whose lives you would not want for yourself.

How do you rekindle a marriage during separation?

Here are the steps to rekindle a marriage after separation:

  • Take things slowly, but not vague or undefined (it’s not fair to keep your spouse in limbo indefinitely)
  • Set regular weekly times to meet and talk
  • Have clear boundaries (no alcohol consumption when meeting, no unscheduled drop-ins, no intimacy at first)
  • Avoid being intimate at the start (it sends a very confusing message)
  • Do express how you feel (but avoid yelling, name-calling, or blame)
  • Consider seeing a marriage counselor (if you aren’t already)
  • Try to understand your role in the problem (and any underlying root issues that fueled it)
  • As things progress, begin to date your spouse (still taking things slowly)
  • Don’t rush to reconcile (the tendency will be for both of you to return to your old patterns if you don’t really take time to examine the real issues and take steps to change them.
  • It’s OK if you aren’t sure if you are still in love (but know that you CAN fall back in love as things progress)
  • Make saving your marriage the top priority (friends, nights out, family, and even your kids all need to take a backseat to get your marriage back on track. After all, if you end up divorcing, none of it will matter anyway).
  • Put ego and pride aside (many a marriage has ended in divorce because one spouse was too proud to apologize or take real ownership of the damage they did)

Final Thoughts

In this post, we examined exactly how to how to rekindle a broken marriage.

We identified some of the most common things and main reason that derails marriages. That includes things that cause damage and also can cause partners to drift apart.

But we also looked at the crucial steps you can take to rekindle the marriage. It’s totally natural for relationships to settle into a routine. But you don’t have to accept a boring or passionless marriage.

Like anything worth doing you have to put forth the effort. It’s never too late to save your marriage or relationship; you just have to try.

Photo credits (that aren’t mine or which require attribution):
Faded Love via Dumpr.net (Lomo edit) – by Clyde Robinson is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Marriage is Hard Work (but worth it!) – 13 Reasons Why

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There are a lot of folks out there who say marriage shouldn’t feel like work.  Or if it feels like work, you’re doing it wrong.  But in truth, like anything else that is rewarding, we have to work at our marriages. And it’s OK if marriage is hard work!

Marriage is hard work. However, some of the benefits include living longer, being better off financially, happier and healthier kids, and increased happiness and overall satisfaction.

But those are just a handful of the proven benefits of marriage being hard work, so let’s get into it!

So in this post, we’re diving deep into what a great marriage is (or should be), why it’s OK to continually work at improving it, how to take things to the next level, and why you should be worried when it ISN’T hard work.

marriage is hard work construction couple middle class dad

Is marriage supposed to be hard work?

Marriage is supposed to be hard work. It takes both people putting in the effort to make something greater than the sum of its individual parts. People are inherently flawed. Therefore marriage is inherently flawed.

If you got a college degree, learned a trade like becoming an electrician, or mastered a musical instrument, what did that take?

It took HARD WORK!

Now I’m not referring to horrible soul-crushing work; the kind you dread every morning when you wake up.  If that’s what your marriage feels like then you are doing it wrong.

No, I’m simply stating that anything worth doing, having, or pursuing doesn’t come easy. 

And once you’ve made it to the New York Philharmonic Orchestra as a violinist does the work stop No! You have to keep focusing your craft; honing it, improving it, and nurturing it.

And when that violinist does that, it’s not a chore they loathe; it’s a labor of love (hopefully).  Marriage IS hard work and that’s OK.  It’s supposed to be.

It somehow feels wrong to admit that marriage is hard work.

We feel a little ashamed or that somehow it means our marriage is in trouble and the “work” is us desperately trying to fix it.

In some cases that could be true.  I’ve walked through my own marital struggles before in a post about the different types of Marital Conflict (click to read my post on all of them) including the 1 you should absolutely avoid at all costs.

But in most cases our marriages are fine and the “work” is just the daily effort we put into:

  • Communicate more effectively
  • Be less defensive
  • Take more responsibility when we mess up
  • Not give & give & give to work, the kids, and everyone else and have nothing left for our spouse

Is marriage easier if it’s true love?

Yes. Marriage will be easier when married couples are truly both head over heels in love with each other. A successful marriage will still take a lot of effort. And a fairy tale marriage doesn’t really exist.

But you can make marriage work best by not settling in your marriage or even long-term relationships.

Many people make the decision to get married out of fear. Things like:

  • Fear of being alone
  • Fear of struggling financially
  • Fear that they aren’t worthy of love

Often those feelings are rooted in unresolved childhood issues around emotional abuse, neglect, or a fear of abandonment.

And they can cause people wanting good relationships to settle for the first person who comes along who seems halfway decent. While it is possible for love to grow over time and become a close relationship, more likely it will lead to a bad marriage.

So the best thing is to wait to marry or even move in together until that light bulb moment where you become sure they are “the one”. You feel that excitement and there’s no hesitation. While the divorce rate is still up there even for couples madly in love, this is by far the best way to help ensure you stay together for the rest of your life.

How difficult is it to live in a marriage?

Marriage is kind of hard work. And there will inevitably be marriage conflict. But there is a difference between that and being difficult. Done right, married life means real love, date nights, and a good relationship with the right person. Someone who always has your back. Someone who you can count on when then going gets tough.

A good marriage requires the following from you:

  • Communication
  • Compromise
  • Understanding that your actions affect others
  • Not always getting what you want when you want it

The reason a lot of marriages end in divorce is that people simply give up when things get hard (and they will).

In our society today, we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want quickly and when something doesn’t give us what we want, we dispose of it and get a new one.

Unfortunately, relationships have become like that too.

But I’m here to tell you that it is indeed OK to admit that marriage is hard work. But it’s work well worth doing.  It’s soul-enriching.  It’s life-saving (your own and your children’s).

If you admit that marriage is hard work that means you’re focused on it; improving it and yourself. You’re dedicated to your marriage, your spouse, and your family. And that’s a great thing!

If you think, however, that things are too far gone and have wondered if Can Marriage Counseling Help? (click to read my article to find out), one of my most popular posts walks you through the world of couples counseling.

I get into what they do, how they do it, what it costs, and what the actual statistics say about success rates. So if you’re curious, check that out now!

How do you survive a difficult marriage?

So, in short, I don’t think you should have to just survive a difficult marriage.

Life is too short to just survive. Life is a journey and it ends the same way for everyone. So what’s the point if that journey to the end is miserable.

The bad news is you can’t change anyone else.

The good news is you can change yourself, your attitude, your mindset, and your boundaries. I’m active in a few marriage groups on Facebook and I couldn’t tell you how many hundreds of times I’ve seen comments from people who feel stuck in a miserable marriage.

Their spouse is controlling, abusive, secretive, or maybe even all of the above.

Now, if you’re a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids married to a jerk, you might feel stuck; especially if the kids are young. You might feel you have to survive the marriage rather than leave it. And maybe you’ve tried to fix or improve it and it hasn’t worked.

In that case, there are 2 possibilities:

  1. He’s always been a jerk and you should have known better before you said “I do”
  2. Something has shifted in him, you, or the marriage that is creating tension and unhappiness

If it’s #1, there isn’t a lot you can do other than be clear, be honest, set boundaries, and come up with a long-term plan for yourself and your kids. That could be taking online classes so you can get a job once the kids are in school. Or maybe it’s an online side-hustle (like this blog).

But don’t just stay in a miserable marriage with no hope in sight and no escape plan.

But I think more often, a miserable marriage is probably due to #2. Something has changed. Maybe just the pressure we guys often put on ourselves to climb the corporate ladder, make more money, buy more stuff, etc.

It’s easy to shift our priorities to what we think matters and let the stuff that actually matters fall by the wayside.

If that sounds familiar, the keys are open and honest (and non-accusatory) communication. Maybe therapy, and finding a way back to the love you once felt for each other.

How do you know when your marriage is really over?

If marriage ever stops feeling like hard work that’s a bad sign.  It means one of you or both of you have either:

  1. Given up and are just coasting through life because it’s easier than divorce
  2. Started building a life outside the marriage (I’m not necessarily referring to infidelity)
  3. Felt like all the issues in the relationship are the other person’s and it’s just not worth the effort to change

Marriage is hard work.  And it’s designed to stay that way.

The violinist in my first example has to practice every day!  Not only to improve but just to maintain. Your marriage is no different.

If we start to slack on our marriage & take it for granted we risk losing what we had.  At the very least we risk it never being as good as it can be.

Of course, if the bad significantly outweighs the good in your marriage and you dream about life without them or with someone else, you do need to take action as your marriage is close to the end.

The good news is that if you want it, you can Rekindle Your Marriage (click to read my step-by-step article) at almost any time.

So if you aren’t sure your marriage is worth saving, but you want to give it one last shot, I highly encourage you to take a moment and review my post on EXACTLY how I did that in my own marriage after it started falling apart in 2013.

What stage of marriage is the hardest?

While we hear about the so-called “7-year-itch”, in most cases, the 1st year of marriage is the hardest. This is because we still are just getting to know this other human being. And while we may well be learning many wonderful things about them, and they may now be our best friend, it’s still different unless you were already living together and had for years.

After all, the honeymoon is over and you’re learning what it really means to be with this person. Even if you lived together first, it can still be hard.

When we’re dating, our endorphins are rushing and we tend to only see the good and the exciting aspects of our partner.

That wears off once you say “I do”. Then we set about everyday life. We see each other in worn-out underwear instead of only the sexy stuff. We start paying bills together, cleaning cat boxes, and other mundane stuff that probably wasn’t part of our everyday dating life.

You’re also really getting to know someone unless you dated for a decade.

The reason I said “no” at the top in addition to yes, is that the 1st year often still doesn’t involve kids. So in that regard you may still be going out and having fun, sleeping in, and feeling rested. Kiss most of that goodbye when kids come into the picture.

The other thing that happens when kids enter the picture is we start thinking about career advancement so we can make more money. That has a way of shifting our priorities away from our spouse. We think we’re doing what is most important, but over time, it can create a divide between the couple.

That can lead to resentment and building separate lives away from each other.

The side effects of that can lead to affairs, addiction, or best-case scenario, just feeling more like roommates than partners and lovers. So for those reasons, I also feel like years 3-7 can be the hardest for many couples.

Why is marriage harder than dating?

In short, when you’re dating you usually have far fewer responsibilities. Single people often don’t have kids yet, may be lower on the corporate ladder, and are more often just out having fun.

They have yet to experience the tough times, financial stresses, and reduced sex life that sometimes come with modern marriages.

When we are in a long marriage, other things get pushed to the top of our priority list, above our spouse. Things like:

  • Kids
  • Careers
  • Buying a house
  • Keeping up with the Joneses
  • Financial stresses

And all of that can take a toll on married people and leave us eventually feeling stuck in unhappy marriages.

Luckily, there is a way to being your marriage back and Restore the Intimacy, even if things have been bad for years.  My article walks you through 31 incredibly simple things you can do to help make things feel more like they did when you were dating.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

What are the signs of an unhappy marriage?

I alluded to it above, but for me, work is rewarding, and enriching and I like seeing the effort I put forth in building something up.

If anything in your life that requires effort doesn’t make you feel rewarded you should look to change something. Either yourself or your attitude about it, or that thing itself.

Marriage is hard work but it should feel good.  The work you put into your marriage should be improving it; making it better and stronger.

It should be the kind of work you feel great about.  You should be able to see a noticeable improvement in your marriage. If you are seeing any of the following signs, that is a sign of an unhappy marriage (time to take action!):

  • Arguments with name-calling, belittling, or profanity
  • Neither of you initiates sex
  • You have totally separate interests and networks of friends
  • You feel totally apathetic about your spouse

Believe it or not, you can take your relationship to the next level even from this place.

I’ve covered the 7 Stages of a Healthy Relationship (click to read my post) in a previous post that was my most popular post when it came out.

Why you should work harder in your marriage

Everyone who is married or in a committed relationship should work harder.

Why?  For many of us, our kids are counting on us.  Kids need 2 parents.  That doesn’t mean single parents are bad (my Mom was one). But children of divorce just face more challenges than kids from 2 parent homes.

That’s not to shame anyone.

If you’re in that boat there might be very good reasons why you got divorced and your kids could well be better off.  It’s not my place to judge and I don’t know your situation.

But I do know from personal experience that divorce can be very hard on kids. If you feel like you’re heading for divorce, it may not be too late!  Marriage is hard work but as Lenny says, “it ain’t over ’till it’s over”.

Check out my 2nd most popular relationship post which covers the Top 3 Reasons for Divorce (click to read my article that breaks them down) and how you can steer clear of them!

In that above-mentioned post, I focused a lot on divorce statistics in the USA where I live.  But I love this infographic here which covers the impact and effects of divorce in the UK.

All in all, people are people, and no matter where you live I bet your numbers aren’t very different.

Can a marriage survive without intimacy?

The short answer is probably not.

The good news is that you can start to work on changing it at almost any time, no matter how bad things have gotten. Ultimately a marriage lacking sex and intimacy (related but not always the same thing) is usually caused by:

  • Depression
  • A medical condition
  • The aftermath of something bad like an affair
  • Childhood trauma or abuse that was never dealt with (but triggered recently)

So first we have to figure out the underlying cause. Then, and only then, can we deal with the lack of intimacy (which is a symptom and not the actual problem itself).

If that sounds familiar, I strongly urge you to check out my post Can a Marriage Last Without Intimacy? (click to read my post). I get into the statistics and survival rates and how often men and women cheat who are in sexless marriages.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

So what are my . . .

13 reasons to stick with and improve your marriage

marriage is hard work converse wearing married couple middle class dad

1. YOUR KIDS DESERVE IT

Our kids deserve 2 parents who love each other.

I know personally what it was like to grow up with parents who fought, yelled and otherwise made the house tense.  I also know what it was later like to just live with one parent and have the other be a long way away.

That takes its toll on our kids in ways we often don’t even realize well into adulthood.

In a book called “The Longevity Project“, authors and Psychologists Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin determined that “The children of divorce were . . . more likely to grow up to smoke and to drink heavily, with such women more than twice as likely to be heavy smokers.

The boys of divorce were less likely to complete their education and accomplish as much in their careers.” If you’re already divorced, don’t beat yourself up.

Life happens and expecting to go through life without making wrong turns just isn’t realistic.  That’s also how we learn and grow. Just realize there will be some work to do to help your kids (and yourself) get through some tough feelings.

You may need professional help with that and that’s OK.

But if it’s not too late, focus on your marriage!  (re-) Commit to your marriage.  Your kids deserve it and you do too!

2. YOU DESERVE IT

Life can be tough.  Sometimes we get knocked down.

If you have someone there by your side to pick you back up again, that makes everything just a little bit better.

Why go through life working a job you hate, divorced, out of shape with emotionally distant kids?  It doesn’t have to be that way.  You deserve better.

We can’t control anything in our lives except for our actions, choices, and how we respond to things going on around us.  Those who try and control external circumstances are doomed to misery. If something isn’t right in your marriage change it, or at least change your attitude about it!

3. YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL LIVE LONGER

The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services conducted an extensive study on marriage and its impact on health.

In particular, they found that being married reduced the risk of cardiovascular disease by 5%.  They also found that cardiovascular risk factors were much higher (31%) in divorced people.

The US Government’s National Institutes of Health conducted a study on marriage and the effects on lifespan.

They found that “the death rate for people who were unmarried was significantly higher than it was for those who were married and living with their spouses.”

Going back to the Longevity Project book I mentioned above in #1, they also found that men, in particular, were 2/3 less likely to live to age 70 when divorced.

4. YOU’LL BE BETTER OFF FINANCIALLY

I think it goes without saying that 2 are better than 1.

Even if one spouse stays at home with the kids, that’s money you don’t have to spend on childcare (and the kids will be better off too). 2 people together making financial decisions are better than 1.  2 incomes are better than 1.  When we have a partner, we have someone who can keep our spending habits in check.  Or they can push the stingy person to indulge.

2 are better than 1 in just about every aspect of life but especially financially.

5. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER

It probably goes without saying that if you’re living longer, healthier, and doing better financially with well-adjusted kids you’ll be happier.

A recent study conducted by Michigan State University and published by the Journal of Research in Personality found that “(their study) suggests that people on average are happier than they would have been if they didn’t get married”.

They also found that marriage “appears to protect against normal declines in happiness during adulthood”.

But don’t forget that marriage is hard work! None of these things will come to pass just by saying “I do”. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.  And to do something well requires effort, mistakes, learning from those mistakes, and persevering through the rough patch.

6. You have a partner for life who has your back

Let’s face it. Life gets tough!

Sometimes the challenges are with our spouse. But often it’s just life and life is just better when you’re part of a team and have someone to face those challenges with.

7. You’ll always have someone to have sex with

Sex is important for human beings.

It helps keep us calm, steady, focused, and happy. Who isn’t grouchy when they haven’t had sex in a while? Most people.

So being happily married means you ALWAYS have someone to have sex with. No dating. No online profiles to sift through, and no long periods of drought.

8. You always have someone to call you on your BS

Our spouse knows us better than ANYONE else.

They know the good, the bad, and the ugly. We sometimes let pride, ego, and other things get in the way of seeing what’s really going on. So, having a spouse who’s not afraid to (politely) call us out when we aren’t thinking clearly is a great thing!

9. You will look back on memories more fondly

I’ve been married previously. I’ve also had a few serious relationships before being married to my wife. While I have a lot of fond memories (playing with the B-52’s was cool!) it’s great when most of your fond memories aren’t tied up around an ex.

So staying married means you’ll have a lot more fond memories to look back upon, AND to share those with. After all, your current spouse doesn’t really want to hear about your fond memories with someone else.

10. Two heads are better than one

As they say, 2 heads are better than 1, and it’s just true.

Whether it’s a financial decision, parenting call, or vacation destination choices, it’s ALWAYS better to have someone to bounce ideas off of, get ideas from, and make decisions with.

11. Your spouse can motivate you and drive you to greater success

I do what I do for my wife and kids.

I get up every day a little after 4 am to work on my blog because I want it to grow to be something bigger. While I do it for me, I’m really motivated by them.

If you’re alone and single, it’s a lot harder to get motivated than when a supportive spouse is helping fuel your fire.

12. You have someone to share watching your kids grow up 

Let’s face it. Our kids aren’t getting any younger.

True, you could be like us and have a 3rd baby when the older two are in their tween years (almost like starting over). But our kids are growing. And fast.

So sharing those memories with your spouse, just makes it all the sweeter.

13. Going through rough patches makes you stronger together

Adversity makes us stronger. It just does.

Like the song says, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. If you have been married for any length of time, you have weathered storms and gone through challenges.

You’ve probably talked about divorce at some point and thought about breaking up.

Going through all that together and coming out on top makes your marriage far stronger than if it had just been smooth sailing the whole time.

Final thoughts

In this post, we looked at the common misconception that somehow marriage isn’t supposed to take effort. Somehow our society has come to think of marriage as something we set and forget.

In reality, marriage IS hard work!

Anything worth doing is worth doing well and marriage is no different. We also looked at the 5 reasons why you should work harder at your marriage.

As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases if you click on Amazon from my site and choose to make a purchase. You can read my complete affiliate disclosure for more details.

Can a Marriage Last Without Intimacy?

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can a marriage last without intimacy? man and woman laying down on a red blanket caressing each other's head Middle Class Dad

Anyone who has been in a relationship knows the importance of intimacy, both physically and emotionally. And while shared interests and kids can help bind a couple together, can a marriage last without intimacy?

As a general rule, most marriages with a lack of intimacy fail. While 15% of marriages lack physical intimacy, a recent study found that among divorced couples surveyed, 43% listed intimacy issues, including a lack of physical intimacy as the reason for divorce. 

If you have been in multiple relationships, chances are you also have had one where the intimacy was lacking. No passion, no fire burning, and yes; little to no sex.

But a relationship with little to no emotional intimacy or physical intimacy is going to be very challenging.

So today, we’re diving in deep into the world of marriages, intimacy, and what to do if you find yourself in that situation. We’ll explore the underlying causes a partner might have to not be intimate. We will also talk about options the spouse wanting the intimacy has to get it back.

But specifically, though, we’re answering the tough question of can a marriage last without intimacy.

How a lack of intimacy affects a marriage

A recent study by the Social Psychological and Personality Science Journal looked at over 25,000 couples over 23 years. They found overwhelmingly that couples who had sex at least once a week were significantly happier than those who do not.

Interestingly, happiness did not seem to be affected when the sexual activity occurred even more frequently than once a week. So as long as it’s at least once a week, the frequency of sex has little impact on a couple’s overall happiness.

The lead researcher on the study, Assistant Professor Amy Muise of York University, stated:

“it’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don’t need to have sex every day as long as you’re maintaining that connection.”

But what happens to a marriage where intimacy and sex are lacking?

The following are all side effects of a sexless relationship:

  • Both partners feel unhappy, alone, and unfulfilled
  • The partner on the receiving end feels unloved and unattractive
  • Frustrations from the lack of sex cause the couple to emotionally withdraw too
  • Apathy will set in with the partner who wants more intimacy
  • The partner who wants sex is more likely to have an affair

Going further, the UK law firm of Woolley & Co found that 43% of the divorces they analyzed ended in divorce due to sexual issues, including a lack of intimacy.

In yet another recent survey conducted by the Huffington Post, they found that over 50% of spouses “wouldn’t have married their spouses if they had known the marriage would be sexless.”

And while that survey did note that almost 50% of spouses said “lack of sex in the marriage was not a deal-breaker”, 33% said they would consider divorce.

A lack of intimacy, sexual or otherwise, can be painful for the partner on the receiving end.

It is often seen as a rejection, and that rejection is painful. As the attachment bond is weakened, the marriage is weakened. After a long time with this issue, the marriage can reach a point of no return.

Is it OK to be in a sexless marriage?

Anything between 2 consenting adults is OK and technically no one else’s business. But there are 2 main problems.

First, it’s pretty rare that both people in the relationship are OK with the lack of sexual intimacy. Second, unless we’re talking about a medical condition for the low sex drive when a partner pulls away and shuts down, there’s usually a somewhat catastrophic incident that led to it.

While it could be that one spouse cheated on the other and the spouse who was cheated on then shut down on an intimate level.

That’s totally understandable and something that will improve over time as the couple (hopefully) work through the issue.

Is your emotional and physical intimacy suffering in the wake of an affair? If so, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out one of my most popular posts on Pinterest.

There I walk you through the exact steps to Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my article). So while it is technically OK to be in a sexless marriage, in most cases, the answer is no.

Is a sexless marriage normal?

In short, no.

While it certainly does happen (15% of married couples haven’t had sex in 6-12 months or more), most people would not consider a sexless marriage normal.

Technically “sexless” doesn’t mean no sex ever. It just means less sex. Most experts agree that 10 or fewer sex acts a year counts as “sexless”. So we’re talking anyone who doesn’t have regular sex at least once a month.

What is “normal” is for the sex in your relationship to diminish after the first few years.

A recent study by the National Institutes of Health found that when a relationship is new, those intimate interactions with your partner hit the brain like opioids, activating the reward center of the brain. It also was shown to reduce pain and unhappiness.

Over time, as our brain becomes used to our partner, that effect can diminish.

After all, that’s often when kids come into the picture and one or both spouses start to ramp up their career goals or maybe continue their education. Life comes into play and all of that can conspire to put our sex life, and sometimes our marriage, on the back burner.

BUT, if you aren’t at least having sex once a month (once a week is more the average for long-term married couples), then that’s a sign that something is wrong. When you see that sign, it’s crucial that you act before your marriage starts to crumble.

Whether or not a marriage can survive without physical intimacy is what we’re exploring next.

can a marriage last without intimacy? black and white photo of a Black couple shirtless holding each other's heads Middle Class Dad

Can a marriage survive without physical intimacy?

In short, no.

All human beings need and crave emotional and physical intimacy as a basic need. Without it, the connection and spark between the 2 people withers and dies.

Also, as I mentioned above, usually for a person to suddenly withdraw from intimacy, there is often a triggering event. And while it could be something fairly common and easily treatable like vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction, it could also be something more traumatic from our childhood.

So until that spouse deals with the underlying cause and learns to Let Go of the Past (click to read my post), they will face challenges in all walks of life.

Not dealing with it will ultimately cause them to not be the person they truly want to be.

If that sounds at all familiar, I highly recommend you take a moment and to click the link above and review my most shared post on Twitter.

The only other possible exception there would be if a long-term couple had an issue that left one (or both) of them unable to be physically intimate. Obviously, in that case, the other spouse would (hopefully) understand and be considerate of the limitations.

But for that marriage to survive, the relationship would have to have been built on very solid ground over a long period of time. They would also have to still be able to connect emotionally in an intimate way or make other accommodations for the limitations.

So asking can a marriage last without intimacy almost always leads to a solid “no”.

If your marriage is failing, then check out this short video on the 7 Steps to Fixing a Marriage that will help get yours back on track.

 

Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?

The short answer is you can divorce anyone for any reason in almost any state in the US.

Obviously, laws vary from state to state and certainly from country to country, but when someone decides to divorce, in most cases, they’ll find a way to make it happen. But a lack of a love life is one of the common reasons for divorce.

There is also a legal precedent. Legally, marriage implies a sexual relationship between the spouses. Thus, if one spouse withholds sex, it can, therefore, be grounds for divorce.

Lawyers typically refer to this as “constructive abandonment.”

Even though the spouse refusing sex hasn’t physically abandoned their spouse, it can be successfully argued that they have emotionally withdrawn from the marriage.

That, by definition, is grounds for an at-fault divorce.

According to the General Social Survey, married couples, on average, have sex 58 times a year. That amounts to a little more than once a week.

That being said, married couples under 30 have sex almost twice as often. The reasons for the age differences are pretty obvious. Younger people have fewer (if any) kids and generally are not at the peak of their careers.

But if you think those numbers are low, around 15 percent of married couples haven’t had sex anywhere from 6-12 months. That’s according to associate professor of sociology Denise A. Donnelly of Georgia State University.

What’s a relationship without intimacy?

Maybe we should first start by defining intimacy.

After all, it might mean different things to different people. The dictionary describes it as

  • a close familiarity or friendship; closeness
  • a private cozy atmosphere.
  • an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse.

So obviously it includes sex but is not exclusively sex.

If sexual desire, for medical or emotional reasons, just isn’t possible (at least for right now), consider some alternatives that can still provide that needed intimate connection.

Here are some of the top ways of building intimacy without the traditional sex act:

1. Touch

Often when we find ourselves in long-term relationships, we allow the day-to-day distractions of life to limit our non-sexual touching.

So we have to be intentional and strive to connect to your spouse throughout the day.

Hold hands as you go for a walk. Kiss each morning, each evening, and during the day. Physical touch that isn’t (necessarily) tied to just wanting sex builds and fosters healthy intimacy and emotional connection.

A healthy sex life is an important part of any romantic relationship.

But there are many forms of intimacy and if frequent sex isn’t possible, that doesn’t mean married people can’t connect intimately in other ways.

2. Spend time talking without distraction

When I come home from work at the end of a long day, there’s nothing I feel like doing more than throwing on comfy clothes, pouring a drink, and vegging out in front of the TV.

But you know what that doesn’t do?

It provides almost no connection to and for my wife who I haven’t seen all day. So maybe not every day, but at least 2-3 times a week, focus on your spouse.

Turn the TV off, put the phones down and after the kids are asleep, just sit and talk. You’ll be amazed at what you learn, how much more connected you both feel, and how much better your relationship will get over time.

3. Explore other forms of orgasm

Perhaps you or your spouse has a medical condition like ED?

Or perhaps an emotional trauma issue has left one of you not wanting traditional intercourse? If so, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with exploring alternate forms of orgasm.

4. Court and date one another

Most of us can recall that heart-pounding magic of when our relationship was new and shiny.

But over time, especially with careers, mortgages, kids, and life, that tends to diminish as our priorities shift.

So, if you find yourself asking “can a marriage last without intimacy?”, setting a regular date night is a great way to rebuild that passion you both once had.

5. Connect throughout the workday through calls and texts

Often in the mornings, spouses go their separate ways and don’t reconnect again until the dinner table or later.

Thus, finding some way to connect throughout our busy days is crucial! So whether it’s through a call or a few texts or even an email, do something to connect with them.

It lets them know you’re thinking about them and it’s an opportunity to have an exchange. And however impersonal an electronic exchange is, it’s better than none.

How can I improve my sexless marriage?

If you are the spouse withholding the sex then obviously there is something medically or emotionally going on that needs to be dealt with.

If you are the spouse who struggles with intimacy, even if you divorce your spouse, you can’t run away from yourself. Those damaging feelings (or underlying medical conditions) will still be there. And any prospective future partner will still have sexual needs.

You owe it to yourself to fix it.

If you are the spouse being forced to live in an emotionally barren and sexless marriage then you have an altogether different path to fixing the issue.

First, if you did anything to cause your partner to withdraw, you have to own it 100%, fix it, and be patient. Extramarital affairs are a common reason a spouse might have withdrawn from being intimate.

But if your spouse is dealing with something from their past or some other issue outside the marriage then that requires a different approach. Before you start demanding sex, you have to help your spouse identify the root cause and support them in dealing with that.

Do let them know how their actions make you feel. Don’t make them feel guilty, ashamed, or criticized.

When they feel supported emotionally and don’t feel criticized or belittled, they will start to open back up; especially if you support them in getting the mental or physical help they need.

There are ultimately many ways to Rekindle a Marriage (click to read on my website) when the passion has faded. So if you’re ready, dive in deeper into one of my most shared blog posts on my whole site.

The terrible truth about divorce statistics

Ultimately we can talk about thoughts and feelings all day on the question of can a marriage last without intimacy?

But it’s also good to take a look at the cold, hard facts.

The top 3 reasons for divorce include:

  • Infidelity
  • Money problems
  • Basic incompatibility

In truth, a lack of intimacy could certainly fall under the heading of “basic incompatibility, so let’s dive in deeper.

The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (bet those are some folks who know how to party) found that”the incompatibility is usually caused by one or more of the other choices.”

They go on to note that “basic incompatibility – is usually created by deeper issues somewhere in the relationship – usually an emotional, physical, or financial breach of trust.”

But on a slightly good note, they ultimately found that “financial disagreements were the strongest disagreement types to predict divorce for both men and women.”

So compared to a sexless marriage, money is an even greater destroyer of marriages.

That being said, it’s clear that in the vast majority of cases that when asking the question can a marriage last without intimacy, the answer is almost always going to be a no.

Now that you understand how important intimacy is, I urge you to check out all 31 incredible ways you can Restore Intimacy in Marriage (click to see my tips on how).

The marriage you save may be your own!

How long do sexless marriages last?

On average, all marriages last 8.2 years but due to the age of those in sexless marriages, it is common for them to stay together that long or longer despite the lack of physical connection.

Sexless marriages. not surprisingly, are more common above age 30 and the age group where it is most common is age 60 or above. While couples in their 60s would often stay together even if the amount of sex has diminished, the divorce rate for ages 50+ is starting to increase.

Remember, a “sexless marriage” is one where a couple has sexual experiences no more than once a month. And upwards of 20% of marriages fall into this category.

But let’s face it. That’s not a healthy relationship.

How many sexless marriages end in divorce?

As a general rule, 50% of all marriages end. Upwards of 20% of all marriages are technically sexless with 13.5% of all married couples having not had sex in 5 or more years.

But as we’ve discussed, no-fault divorces mean that a couple doesn’t have to list a specific reason for filing for divorce. So while 50% or more of sexless marriages could end in divorce, there are other factors that might make that number lower.

For starters, as we’ve discussed, a lack of physical intimacy increases with age.

50% of women ages 75-85 totally lose interest in sex. By comparison, only 1 in 4 men in that same age range have lost interest in sex. Overall, an interest in sex starts dropping from age 57 and can vanish by age 85.

But couples in their 60s, 70s, or 80s are less likely to divorce because of the amount of time they’ve already spent together and the challenges of finding someone new at that age.

(source) and (source)

Why do couples stop being intimate?

Couples stop being physically and/or emotionally intimate due to one or more of the following reasons:

  1. Complacency – A focus on careers, running the household, and raising children often sees a couple putting romance on the back burner. Over time, this can become the norm.
  2. Pain – As a woman gets closer to menopause (or is past it), sometimes vaginal dryness makes sex painful. Luckily, using lubrication can be an easy way to remedy this.
  3. Erectile dysfunction – Men over age 40 can experience a drop in testosterone and an increase in erectile dysfunction (ED). Because of ego, many men struggle to admit this to their spouses or seek treatment for it. Luckily, it’s not that hard or expensive to get testosterone shots or take medication that can help.
  4. Damaged Trust – 40% of couples see 1 or both partners having an affair. According to the General Social Survey, “twenty percent of men cheat compared to 13 percent of women.” So a lack of trust can easily affect intimacy, especially if the one who cheated has done it with more than 1 person and not taken steps to earn the trust back.
  5. Anger issues or emotional abuse – Let’s face it. No one wants to have sex with someone they are scared of. So a man (or a woman) who is constantly getting angry, is controlling, or otherwise emotionally abusive is never going to make their spouse want to willingly have sex with them.

And going back to cheating, there are other sources that claim 70% of married Americans cheat at least once in their marriage.

(source)

Final thoughts

In this post, we took a hard look into one of the more common marital challenges.

Intimacy and the lack of it in marriages and relationships. We explored why someone might withdraw their intimacy from a relationship and what we can do to get it back. Specifically, we answered the question can a marriage last without intimacy.

While you may not like the answer, now that you know it, you can at least make an educated choice as to what to do in your marriage.

Is your marriage struggling with intimacy?


Sources:

CDC
Statista
United States Census Bureau
University of Washington
New York State Department of Health
Politifact
Pew Research Center
SSRN
Divorce Statistics
American Community Survey
Bloomberg
U.S. National Center for Health Statistics
Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts
UCLA School of Law
McKinley Irvin Law
Pew Social Trends
Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research
UN Department of Economic and Social Affairs

Financial Marriage Counseling: Can It Stop Your Money Fights?

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financial marriage counseling spend, save and be married wooden sign on old tree Middle Class Dad

financial marriage counseling spend, save and be married wooden sign on old tree Middle Class Dad

Talking about money as a couple is is hard, whether you are recently married, not married yet or have been together for years. If you haven’t thought about it yet, consider financial marriage counseling to help strengthen your marriage.

Here’s what you need to know:

Financial marriage counseling combines traditional marriage counseling with financial planning & education. It gets both spouses on the same page with money and fosters good communication. With money as a top reason for divorce, a good financial marriage counselor may mean the difference between success & divorce.

Research shows that, of 3,010 survey participants, nearly 70% admitted they would rather reveal the truth about how much they weigh than how much money is in their bank accounts.

“A financial marriage counselor will help you both make a plan of action for saving money and getting out of debt. They can help you with saving on unessential costs, save on taxes, help you answer questions like is it better to claim 1 or 0 to deduct your taxes and straighten out your spending, saving, and debts.”

It can also help you get on the same page about spending and borrowing money.

While money is not necessarily the number one cause of marital conflict, it is usually in the Top 3 Reasons for Divorce (click to read my article on this site). Reason #1 is easy to understand, but I was really surprised by reason #2.

So today, we’re diving in deep into the world of financial marriage counseling. We’ll explore what it is, how it can help, and what they do while you’re there.

Specifically, though, we’re exploring exactly why financial marriage counseling could not only help but maybe even keep your relationship from failing.

If you don’t have a current copy of your credit report, then we’re just shooting blindly in trying to raise your credit score.

Luckily, myFICO can get you access to your credit score and a copy of your credit report from all 3 credit bureaus (Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian)!

But myFICO does more than just get you a credit report. With their credit simulator, you can see how possible financial choices will affect your credit score in the future!

Get your 3 bureau report today and save 20%!

Learn more over at myFICO and get started today (just click the link to see all the details on their site).

co-authored with Rachael Pace, marriage and relationship in conjunction with Jeff Campbell

Should married couples share money?

Married couples should combine all financial accounts including bank accounts. When couples live separate financial lives, they eventually begin to live other aspects of their lives separately too. Divorce rates are almost twice as high for couples who do not share bank accounts.

(source)

You didn’t say “I do” but only under certain conditions. You agreed to a union; a joining. By definitely, what was mine or yours becomes “ours”.

Who makes more money or who has more debt becomes irrelevant.

That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s OK for one spouse to bring significantly worse financial baggage into the marriage and expect the other to deal with it.

Ideally, before getting married, both would-be spouses would sit down and discuss their finances; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Both would disclose things like:

  • Their income
  • Total outstanding debt including student loans
  • How many bank and credit accounts they have
  • If they owe family or other people money

Once clear, then a good financial marriage counselor can help the couple come up with a plan of how to move forward.

Some couples won’t want to combine their income and bills.

They might feel like it’s “theirs’s” or they may not want to be accountable to their spouse for how they spend their money. These people should NOT get married. If they are that selfish and secretive about money, they aren’t likely going to be saints in other ways either.

I go much further into how, when, and where couples should combine their finances in this article.

In it, I also get into the extremely high and surprising statistics about how NOT combining finances plays into divorce rates.

How can we solve money problems in marriage?

To win financially in a marriage, combine all bank accounts, have a monthly budget that both spouses agree to, have an agreement that neither spouse will make financial agreements without consulting the other, and agree to spend less than the total household income.

Money problems fall into one of 3 categories

  • An income problem
  • Lack of a plan
  • A spending problem

Make no mistake, some couples face all 3 of these. But if your marriage is struggling financially, it’s almost assuredly one of these 3 things at the root of it.

An income problem is fairly explanatory.

We know that the average household income in the US is just shy of $60,000. Obviously, if you live in New York or California, that is even higher.

So if your household income is significantly below that, we need to come up with a plan to change careers, get additional education or certifications to broaden career options, or possibly move to have better opportunities.

If income isn’t the issue, it could be spending.

A monthly household budget is a must for all families. It helps ensure that every dollar you take in gets assigned exactly where it needs to go. It also helps ensure you aren’t spending more than you make (that only works in government).

One thing that works really well if overspending is a problem in your house is to implement the 3-day rule. Essentially this means putting in place an agreement on waiting 3 days on any major purchase.

That allows you and your spouse time to really decide if you need it, and it will help with overspending.

If overspending sounds like your problem, and especially if you are in both of those boats, check out this post about how to budget on a low income.

In it, I walk you through the exact steps my wife and I took in that boat, including the 1 move that really allowed us to get real traction in paying off our debt and living the life of our dreams.

Lastly, many couples just go through financial life blindly.

They earn, they spend, they hope it balances out in the end. They use credit cards when it doesn’t and they make those minimum payments and just go along like that year after year.

The problem with that is that they are usually just 1 emergency away from financial disaster. One of them loses a job, or gets in a serious car wreck, and life comes crashing down.

A good financial marriage counselor can help you create a plan, get on a budget, and start an emergency fund (click to read my guide on how to set one up). I have 1 tip in there that can get you building that fund way faster than you ever thought possible!

How do you deal with finances in a marriage?

The best steps to take to win with money after getting married include:

  1. Combine all bank accounts 
  2. List one another as beneficiaries on all life insurance and retirement accounts
  3. Full disclosure on any debt, collections, or judgments
  4. Agree to pay off each other’s separate debts as if it was incurred together
  5. Create a monthly budget that both spouses agree to in advance
  6. Include an agreed-upon spending budget for each spouse in the budget that each can use as they wish
  7. Don’t make any financial decisions without consulting your spouse
  8. Spend less than you make
  9. Budget money every month to go into retirement accounts

Honestly, there’s a lot more than those steps.

But if you get those steps down, you’ll be way ahead of most couples and you’ll avoid the money fights that plague most marriages.

What is financial infidelity in a marriage?

Financial infidelity is when one spouse makes an intentional decision to be dishonest about something related to the couple’s finances. Examples include a secret credit card or loan, hiding debts, or making large purchases without consulting the other spouse.

And just like regular infidelity, the effects of financial infidelity can be devastating.

Trust is broken, tensions flare, and that’s all on top of the financial burden created by the financially-unfaithful spouse.

And as with sexual infidelity, marriages can and do break up over this type of behavior. But unfortunately for the victim, the debts incurred often remain joint debts if the couple is legally married, even if the debts are only in the other spouse’s name.

But even when financial infidelity isn’t a dealbreaker, it can still take years to recover the love and trust that was lost in the disclosure.

So the best policy is always to make all financial decisions together, and if you do make a mistake (which you will), own it right away and take the necessary steps to fix it.


So let’s review the . . .

7 Proven Ways Financial Marriage Counseling Can Help You

1. Building Trust Through Open Communication

Like regular marriage counseling, financial marriage counseling will help you and your partner learn how to talk to each other about money.

Just how awkward is it for couples to talk about income and spending?

One recent survey done by Aspiration found that of the more than 700 participants, only 52% of men and 60% of women tell their partner how much money they make.

Your financial advisor will help you both learn how to talk to each other about your spending, budgeting, and financial goals.

Studies show that students who grew up in households where money was spoken about openly were less likely to have problems with overspending and had less credit card debt.

The lesson? Talking openly with your partner about financial issues can boost trust in your marriage while reducing your debt.

In any form of communication, learning Empathetic Listening Skills (click to read now on my site) can really help. It ensures the speaker feels heard and validated. In fact, one of these techniques in my post may literally have saved my marriage.

2. Eliminating the Devastating Effects of Financial Dishonesty

Sometimes, it’s hard to be honest about money.

Finances are inherently embarrassing. They can be especially awkward if you have some debt or trouble with impulse purchases.

Did you know there is actually a term called ‘Financial Infidelity’?

No, this phrase does not refer to couples spending money on their secret lovers. Instead, it refers to one spouse opening up a secret bank account so that they can use it for personal spending that they don’t have to inform their partner of.

This is just one way in which you may be lying to your partner about your spending.

Over-charging credit cards, gambling, the exact amount of money you are making, lying about unpaid bills, and shopping addictions are other areas of a couple’s financial truths that they may lie about.

Seeing a financial counselor can help you and your spouse learn how to be honest about your spending habits so that you can correct any debts you have and strengthen your marriage.

3. Helping You Get on the Same Page

If you and your spouse had completely different upbringings or socioeconomic backgrounds, you may have opposing views on money.

In order to have a successful financial married life, you and your partner need to get on the same page.

Having similar views on debt and spending is crucial. Your counselor will help you understand how each other thinks about money and to make a financial plan that satisfies both of your points of view.

4. Showing the Crucial Importance of Combining Finances

Financial marriage counseling is not simply for those who are already in debt or who are mismanaging their money.

Getting on the same page with your spouse about money is crucial! Dave Ramsey, renowned financial guru, recently conducted a study on marriage and finances.

In that, he found that “couples who fight about money have roughly $30,000 in consumer debt on average, with nearly two-thirds (63%) of all marriages starting off in the red.”

He also found that more millennials are bringing debt into the marriage compared to older generations, citing that “Forty-three percent (43%) of couples married more than 25 years started off in debt, while 86% of couples married five years or less started off in the red—twice the number of their older counterparts.”

This is a problematic statistic that can leave many couples arguing over their finances once they are married. Combat this early by going to a financial advisor while you are engaged.

Financial marriage counseling will help you discuss:

  1. How bills will be split
  2. The importance of combining bank accounts
  3. How properties will be divided
  4. Advice on mutual investments
  5. The pros and cons of combined money management
  6. Many couples who are about to get married make the wise decision to visit a financial advisor to help them decide the best way in which they can combine their monies.

Ultimately for a successful marriage, you should combine finances.

That means combining all credit cards and bank accounts. Speaking of bank accounts, for real financial success, it’s actually crucial to have at least 5 different bank accounts (click to read now on my site).

Having multiple bank accounts can really make a big difference, so check out my article and see the 5 I think you must-have for financial success.

Combining finances also means all paychecks are no longer “yours” or “mine”, but “ours”.

Combine all income and expenses, make financial decisions together and you’ll be well on your way to financial and marital success.

5. Helps You Avoid Crushing Debt Problems

A survey reported on by The Washington Post found that 33% of Americans hold debt that is currently in collections.

Another study reports that 8 in 10 Americans have debt of some sort, with mortgages being the most common.

The point? Most people have some sort of debt that they’ve accumulated over time, which means that most married couples do, too.

Having debt should not be embarrassing or something you lie about to your spouse. Instead, make it something you work on together.

Bringing debt into a relationship is going to scream trouble for your relationship satisfaction and your bank account.

By attending financial marriage counseling, couples will be able to tackle harmful debt in a positive way.

Struggling with living Paycheck to Paycheck? (click to read now on my site)

I highly recommend you take a moment and check out one of the most popular personal finance posts on the Middle Class Dad website. I get into several solutions, but 1 really surprising one added over $100/month to our budget.

6. Create a Budget Together

A study done at Columbia Business School found that people were more likely to deposit money into their savings after they publicly announced their goals to save more money.

This is partly because people feel more pressure to follow through on a commitment when they are accountable to someone else.

By openly sharing goals about financial saving or paying off debts, you and your spouse will be more likely to follow through on your financial plans.

Want the best budgeting tool out there? Download my FREE Excel household budget template now!


Once you get it, you can dive deep into how to use it and why it works in another post about why this is the Best Excel Household Budget Template (click to read now on my site).

7. Helps Ease Stress

One thing a financial marriage counselor will do is help you make a complete listing of your income, debts, and living expenses.

This is important if you are considering bankruptcy as a couple or are feeling undue stress financially.

Your counselor will also help you make debt-reducing proposals, create a budget, and help you communicate about your finances.

It’s almost impossible to have a happy marriage when you’re both fretting over finances.

It’s no surprise that money, or lack thereof, can put a large amount of stress and anxiety into a marriage. By going through financial marriage counseling, you will greatly ease your burdens.

Not sure of the cost or what they do in Marriage Counseling? Or wondering if it’s too late to save your marriage? Check out one of the most popular relationship posts on the Middle Class Dad site.

Did we cover everything you wanted to know about financial marriage counseling?

In this post, we reviewed the most common financial pitfalls that couples have.

Specifically, we reviewed the best ways that financial marriage counseling can help couples move past the turmoil, strife, and tension. This can set couples up for long-term success both financially and in their relationship as a whole.

What has been your relationship’s biggest money challenge?

If you like this post, please follow my Budgeting board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top financial experts!

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About the co-author of this post.

financial marriage counseling Rachael Pace headshot Middle Class Dad

Rachael Pace is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships.

She is a featured writer for Marriage.com, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.

Want to write for Middle Class Dad too? Check out everything you need to know on my Guest Blog Page.

While I have years of successful financial & budgeting experience and run several million-dollar businesses and handled the accounting, P&L and been responsible for the financial assets of them, neither Rachel nor I am an accountant or CPA. Like all my posts, my posts are opinions based on experience, observations, research, and mistakes. While I believe all my personal finance posts to be thorough, accurate and well-researched, if you need financial advice, you should seek out a qualified professional in your area.


Gottman’s Four Horsemen & How They Can Lead You to Divorce

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Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad 4 horsemen riding through the trees

My wife and I used to name call, yell, use profanity, and constantly criticize one another. Dr. John Gottman, the world’s leading marriage expert, calls refers to that behavior as Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen refer to the 4 worst things couples can do to one another which can lead to divorce. Those 4 horsemen are: Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Dr. Gottman has studied tens of thousands of couples for 40+ years and can predict divorce with 94% accuracy.

Since Dr. Gottman knows from his extensive study that these behaviors lead to divorce over 90% of the time, we knew we had to change.

Going back a decade, my wife and I did all of those things to the point where we drank too much, were miserable and I had an affair. But we found a better way.

So in this post, we’re examining each of the four horsemen, exactly why and how they are damaging, and what to do if you see one or more of them in your relationship.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad 4 horsemen riding through the trees

What are the four horsemen in marriage?

Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen are simply what he describes as the 4 worst behaviors couples can do to one another.

He finds there to be no greater predictor of divorce or breakup than when couples resort to some or all of these 4 behavior and communication styles.

Let’s examine each one.

CRITICISM –

It’s OK to disagree with your spouse.

But not agreeing is different than actively criticizing them or their behavior.  This kind of negative, absolute criticism becomes personal.  You’re no longer disagreeing with a choice they made, you’re belittling them as a person.

An example would be when your partner has to work late and didn’t let you know.  The criticizing way to handle it would be to say:

“Where the hell were you?  You never bother to call us when you’re going to be late.  You’re so selfish; you don’t care about us at all!”

The right way to handle it would be to say “I wasn’t sure what had happened and we waited on you for dinner.

I thought we had agreed we would let each other know if we weren’t coming home on time?”.  This addresses the issue and how it impacted you but you aren’t criticizing them personally for their being insensitive.

In this example, you can easily see why criticism can so easily escalate the argument and over time could destroy the relationship.

I’m also guessing everyone reading this has behaved the negative way at least once in their life and understands the damage that can be done.

Questions are almost always better than statements.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad a man and a woman touching foreheads yelling at each other

CONTEMPT –

Contempt takes criticism further to where we actively mock, belittle or show genuine ugliness towards our partner.

When we show contempt for another we are saying (directly or indirectly) that we don’t value them as a person.  That they don’t mean anything to us.

An example of this would be how the late spouse in the above story might respond to the critical reception they received when they got home.

“Well some of us have to work all day and don’t just get to sit around getting fat and watching TV all day.  Some of us are busy doing important things for this family, but you wouldn’t know or care about stuff like that, would you, you lazy $%FD#@&!”

Again, it’s easy to see why this is a terrible way to treat anyone, especially someone you claim to love.  But it’s also easy to see how communication can escalate in the heat of the moment when we fall into Gottman’s four horsemen.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad woman with boxing gloves on punching a guy in a hat

DEFENSIVENESS –

Being defensive is something that happens to all of us.

Sometimes we get defensive when we are genuinely accused unfairly.  More often, however, it’s something we fall into when we didn’t do something we were supposed to and we feel guilty.  We make excuses.  Or we shift the blame onto someone else.

The worst is when we take responsibility at first but then we add that dreaded word “but”.

“I was going to call and let you know I was going to be late, but you never bother to pick up the phone when I call anyway”.

In this example, the partner owns it at first but then shifts the blame onto the other spouse even though it’s completely unfair.

When we don’t truly own our mistakes:

a. We don’t learn from our mistakes
b. Our spouse will think less of us since they know we messed up

The right way for the late spouse to respond, even if met with criticism initially would be:

“I’m so sorry honey.  You have every right to be mad.  I know I sometimes make a habit of not calling and it’s very disrespectful to you to leave you wondering.  I’m going to make a concerted effort to be more sensitive to how my actions affect you moving forward.  I promise”

Even if the other spouse was critical, to begin with, a response like that can totally diffuse the situation.  The key then is simply to stick by the promise.

If you do this 3 times a week and respond like that, after a while it will be meaningless.  It will be obvious you’re just paying lip service to your partner.

Own your mistakes 100%!

STONEWALLING –

Stonewalling, the last of Gottman’s four horsemen is when one partner simply refuses to take part in the argument.

They shut down and don’t participate in the conversation.  The classic “silent treatment (click to read my detailed post on this)“.

Now if the conversation started off with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness they may need some time to calm down.

But true stonewalling has no place in a healthy relationship. 

Pretending the issue isn’t there, making up excuses why now isn’t a good time to talk or physically leaving don’t help resolve the issue.  And make no mistake, issues don’t just heal themselves.

Both parties have to take an active role in fixing them.

If you need a moment in the heat of the argument, ask for a moment.  But understand that it is temporary and that actively participating will be necessary.  Not stonewalling also helps your partner recognize that you value them and value finding a solution to the disagreement.

What are the predictors of divorce?

Gottman acknowledges that couples will disagree.

But in his over 40 years of studying literally thousands of couples of all races, ages, socio-economic factors as well as looking at same-sex couples, he has found some undeniable characteristics of the things that couples sometimes do which destroy the relationship.

In the heat of battle, do you resort to any of the following?

  1. Name-calling
  2. Profanity
  3. Insults
  4. Belittling or critical behavior
  5. Saying mean things just to get a rise out of your partner

If you answered yes to 1 or more of those, they could definitely be a sign your marriage is headed for divorce. The good news is, by reading this article, you understand that something needs to change.

Gottman’s four horsemen are, of course, named after the Biblical story of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in terms of how devastating the behaviors can be.

A cornerstone of health communication between spouses (or really anyone), is listening. If you struggle with really Listening with Empathy (click to read on my site), as I did, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out my highly shared post on that subject.

Trust me; waiting your turn to talk is NOT really listening.

What is the Gottman Method?

Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, have been doing in-depth studies of couples for over 40 years.

Literally, no one has done more clinical research on relationships & divorce than the Gottmans.  If there is 1 marriage and relationship expert you should follow it should be Dr. John Gottman.

Between the two of them, the Gottmans have won countless awards and Dr. John Gottman was also named “Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past 25 years” by the Psychotherapy Networker.

The Gottman Method is a unique way of doing couples counseling that includes a complete assessment of the couple’s relationship. It also uses something called the Sound Relationship House Theory.

The Sound Relationship House Theory is simply a way of using building blocks to rebuild the marriage in a healthy way and includes the following steps:

  • Build Love Maps (to increase your awareness of each other)
  • Share Fondness and Admiration (focus on appreciation instead of expectation)
  • Turn Towards Instead of Away (don’t run away when it gets hard)
  • The Positive Perspective (be your spouse’s best friend)
  • Manage Conflict
    • Accept influence from your partner: really listen to them!
    • Discuss your problems: talk about struggles, challenges, and feelings
    • Practice self-soothing: stay calm during hard discussions
  • Make Life Dreams Come True (create shared goals and dreams and support each other in getting there)
  • Create Shared Meaning (have a defined sense of purpose for your life, both individually and together)

Many counselors have gone through Dr. Gottman’s training programs and workshops, so look for the Gottman name to be mentioned on therapist’s websites and in their offices to be certain they practice the Gottman Method.

Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (click HERE to read my review) may literally have saved my marriage.

I know without a doubt that if you and/or your spouse struggle with any of Gottman’s four horsemen, this book can save your relationship too.

You just have to acknowledge the problem and be willing to work on it. 

Why you must avoid Gottman’s four horsemen in your relationship at all costs!

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad artsy picture of a guy hanging his head in depression with colorful swirls around him

All couples argue.  Every couple has fights and disagreements.

If you are looking for that magic relationship with no tension whatsoever you’ll either never find it or you’ll also find it devoid of passion.

The trick is to avoid Gottman’s four horsemen when communicating with one another.  A healthy relationship understands there will be differences of opinion.  But with understanding, also comes respect.

I know my wife does things differently.

While I do the majority of the grocery shopping in our house she occasionally does it with me or alone.  She goes in armed primarily with gut instinct.  I, on the other hand, scour the house to see what we need and write a detailed list broken down by the department.

Personally, I like my style better and I feel like I come away spending less because I don’t occasionally buy things we have plenty of and I don’t get much that’s not on my list.

Now if every time she went shopping I was critical of her method.  If I called her names or made her feel inferior or dumb I would be showing both criticisms as well as contempt for her.

I would be showing her a complete lack of respect and belittling her as a person.  Those are all horrible things to do to someone you love and repeatedly over time can easily replace her love for me with hate.

Now I’m not here to claim to be a superior being.  In the early years of our marriage, both my wife and I were guilty of all of Gottman’s four horsemen.

Even today, while we rarely show criticism or contempt, we do sometimes struggle with defensiveness or stonewalling.  It’s a work in progress.

But if we are aware both of our behavior as well as the potential damage we are causing, that’s half the battle.

No matter what you struggle with; drugs, alcohol, or other addictions, being aware and admitting you have a problem is halfway to fixing the issue.

Are the four horsemen of divorce headed your way?

Gottman’s four horsemen have led Dr. Gottman to be able to achieve an almost 94% accuracy in determining couples who will later divorce.

He has completed 7 studies over his 40 years of research looking at couples at the beginning, middle and in some cases end of their relationships.  If you want to avoid divorce, learning how to remove Gottman’s four horsemen from your relationship is crucial!

Check out Dr. Gottman interviewed on the Anderson Cooper show where they show detailed examples of Gottman’s four horsemen as well as how it can predict divorce.

If you feel like your relationship is headed for a split or your marriage headed for divorce, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out one of my most viewed articles about the Top Reasons for Divorce (click to read my article) (and How You Can Avoid Them).

I break down the big reasons couples split up and dissect easy, actionable steps you can take to correct those issues.

The crucial steps you must take to save your marriage!

First and foremost we need to remove absolutes when speaking to one another.

Avoid using words and phrases like “You always” or “you never”.  No one always or never does anything 100% of the time.

Another step to take is simply to apply the golden rule to every conversation you have.  Speak and treat everyone the way you want to be spoken to and treated.

That sounds simple but it works every time.

We can’t control anyone else’s actions but you can ALWAYS control your actions and reactions.  It just takes effort, awareness, and focus.  But if you value your relationship, then identifying the negative things in our behavior and taking steps to correct them is crucial!

You can have the marriage or relationship of your dreams and little simple changes in how you communicate with your spouse or partner can make all the difference!

Have Gottman’s Four Horsemen showed up in your relationship?

In this post, we took an in-depth look into the world of John Gottman and his 40+ years of studying couples and relationship patterns.

We looked at the 4 worst things couples can do to each other to damage and destroy the relationship. But more importantly, we looked at some proven solutions for finding solutions when you or your spouse find yourself engaging in these behaviors.

Specifically, we explored John Gottman’s four horsemen and their devastating effects so you can take your relationship to the next level.

Photo credits (that aren’t mine or which require attribution:

couple yelling at each other VicBy: Vic is licensed under CC BY 2.0
Drained of all purpose Leland FranciscoBy: Leland Francisco is licensed under CC BY 2.0