Gottman

7 Crucial Stages of a Healthy Relationship (& Why It Matters)

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7 stages of a healthy relationship Middle Class Dad black and white photo of a couple smiling

Anyone who has ever been in a long-term committed relationship will agree with me that romantic relationships change over time. And when we grow apart, the relationship suffers. So what are the stages of a healthy relationship?

  1. Infatuation
  2. Love and acceptance
  3. Relationship conflict and resolution
  4. Love renewed
  5. Children
  6. Relationship crisis
  7. The golden years

But don’t worry. We’ll get into each of those in great detail below.

We change, we grow, and yes, sometimes we grow in different directions. But change and growth don’t have to mean the end of the relationship.

Wondering which of the 7 stages of a healthy relationship yours is in?

In this post, we’re examining all the various changes most healthy relationships go through. We’ll listen to some of the world’s most recognized marriage experts and get their opinions. We’ll also look at what to do when things break down.

Specifically, though, we’re going to take an in-depth look into the 7 stages of a healthy relationship.

7 stages of a healthy relationship Middle Class Dad black and white photo of a couple smiling

What are the 7 stages of a healthy relationship?

1. Infatuation and the Honeymoon Stage

This beginning of a relationship falls under Gottman’s “New Love” heading. You first meet, get those butterflies in your stomach, and ache for your newfound partner daily.

During this honeymoon or romance stage, you and your partner are still fairly blind to one another’s flaws.

You only see the good in each other. You have a strong sexual desire but have yet to have any really uncomfortable conversations.

2. Love and the Harsh Realities

This still falls under the new love heading, but the initial shine of infatuation has worn off.  You’ve had a minor disagreement or two and have begun to let the daily reality of the world set back in.

You may also start to plan for the future or make big decisions together.

3. Relationship Conflict

The last of the new love sub-categories.

You hit your first somewhat major speed bump.  Not a deal-breaker but you definitely know you’ve had an argument that will take some work to get past.

How good the rest of your relationship is depends on getting through this stage without any lingering resentment or frustration.

4. Love Renewed

Now we’re in Gottman’s “building trust” category. We’ve learned how to navigate conflict without throwing in the towel.  We’re definitely well past the infatuation stage and starting to think long-term.

Now we’re at a real stability stage.

Successful relationships that reach this stage have proven to be able to weather the storms, and major life changes and the couples are often best friends truly embracing true love.

5. Children

As we plan and build for the future, many (but certainly not all) couples start to bring kids into the equation.

This can often put stress on us and the relationship we hadn’t encountered before. It’s also easy to get lost in parenting and forget ourselves and/or our spouse. 

As couples put their own needs or their spouse’s needs on the back-burner, they set the stage for the next level.

6. Relationship Crisis

Sometimes known as the 7 Year Itch or perhaps a mid-life crisis, this is the stage where a major breakdown occurs.

This could be an affair, but it could also be just one partner moving in a totally different life direction. But it is the defining point in any relationship and it can break even the strongest of relationships.

7. The Golden Years

Once couples figure out how to navigate the troublesome waters of a major crisis, they are set to enjoy the richest and most rewarding chapter of their lives.

Trust rebuilt, passions renewed, connection reborn.

Are there really 7 stages of a healthy relationship?

According to world-renowned marriage expert John Gottman, there are 3 relationship stages.

Every marriage or committed long-term relationship goes through these. While I agree there are 3 primary stages, I would argue that there really are 7 stages of a healthy intimate relationship.

When a relationship can’t transition from one stage to the next, that’s when trouble sets in.

So if we believe there are 7 stages of a healthy relationship, how do we know what stage we are in?  Even still, how do when know when it’s time to move to the next level?

What if our partner is doing things we feel are preventing us from getting to that next level?  If that is the case how do we “fix” it?

Why is it important to identify relationship stages?

I got the idea for this post after listing to Gottman being interviewed about relationship stages on the Neil Sattin podcast entitled Relationship Alive.

You can listen to that interview in its entirety right here:

I don’t pretend to be as knowledgeable as relationship experts Gottman or Sattin.

Gottman and his wife Julie have literally spent 40 years doing clinical research and studies on relationships and if anyone knows about how to make or break a relationship, it’s John Gottman.

I’m not the perfect husband. Nor am I the perfect blogger.

But I have made mistakes in my relationship.  I’ve seen what has worked & has made things better. But I have also seen damage from my actions and reactions.  And (luckily), I’ve seen what it takes to repair some of that.

What are John Gottman’s three relationship stages?

1. NEW LOVE

This is the kind of love when we are just starting out in a relationship.  Passionate, spontaneous, and bold.  We haven’t yet gotten comfortable walking around in our 5-year-old underwear yet.

We’re showing them our best sides only and because the love is new; it’s exciting!  No arguments yet, intense feelings and affection.  Pure heart-pounding love.

2. BUILDING TRUST

The next relationship stage is where we start building trust. 

We have accepted we’re in this for the long haul and we’ve started to let our hair down.  We’re starting to argue a little and explore each other’s personalities.  We’re testing the waters of trust and both parties probably are doing things to both make and break trust.

This where we look for and offer support.  Will my partner cut and run at the first sign of trouble?  Do they have the strength to stick it through the tough times?  Do they love me enough to put up with me when I screw up?

3. BUILDING COMMITMENT

The 3rd of the stages is where we have a solid foundation of trust. 

Now we start working on commitment. Trust and commitment are 2 different things.  You also can’t have a completely committed relationship without trust.  So, the relationship stages end with commitment.

Commitment is making a conscious choice to put your partner above all other priorities.  To focus on appreciating what they do and who they are.  Focusing on that, rather than on what you think is missing is crucial for building commitment.

Why total acceptance of your partner matters!

When you mostly focus on what you wish our partner would do differently, you aren’t fully committed.  Been there, done that.

True commitment is about accepting this person for exactly who and what they are.  They may have (in your mind) bad habits.  Perhaps they have different eating habits.

I have a friend (recently divorced) who’s ex was always on them about changing who they were. This in spite of the fact that my friend was pretty much the same when they started dating.

When we don’t accept our partners exactly as they are we will never fully commit and that can cause serious issues in the relationship.

Many of us have blinders on at first after meeting a new partner.

Those blinders often stay on through the so-called honeymoon phase of the relationship. When these early stages of a relationship begin to wane, that’s when the hard work needs to begin.

And if it doesn’t it can lead to emotional breakdowns, power struggles, and end up reaching a breaking point.

Why I love John Gottman

If you aren’t familiar with John Gottman’s work, definitely check out his website and follow his social channels.  But there’s no substitute for his printed works (of which he has many).

His book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (click to read my review on my site) may have literally saved my marriage.  But for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to highly recommend his book What Makes Love Last (click to see it on Amazon).

It’s an outstanding book (as all of his are) and goes through how to build trust and avoid betrayal.   

You CAN save your marriage — even if your spouse says that they want a divorce.

You CAN rebuild that passion you felt for one another when you first kissed. And you can bring back that love and devotion you felt for one another when both of you said, “I love you” for the first time.

Which of the 7 stages of a healthy relationship are you in?

So many of you reading this can probably identify where your relationship is at in these 7 stages of a healthy relationship.

I also think it’s possible for relationships to ebb and flow through different relationship stages. Possibly regressing at times before moving forward again.

In other words, you aren’t done simply because you’ve checked this stage off your checklist.

The first stages are pretty self-explanatory and probably something you have felt and been through a few times.  Many of us lament the loss of this stage as the passion (and intimacy) can be seen to diminish.  In truth, I think intimacy deepens as we go further into the relationship.

Perhaps sex diminishes (especially when children first come into play).  But intimacy should be increasing as we get to know one another better.

So far, one of my most popular posts on relationships about how to How to Make Your Relationship Grow (click to read on my site). If you haven’t already read that one, check it out and let me know what you think!

When things break down . . .

As we get into the business of living together as a couple, this is where things can first start to go awry. Often we get too focused on tasks and not enough on nurturing our relationship.

If we focus more on our daily to-do lists than we do our partner, intimacy erodes.  When that happens we have to first fix that first. Then we can move into the next of the 7 stages of a healthy relationship.

A recent study the UCLA’s Sloan Center found that on average, couples where both partners work only spent only about 35 minutes per week actually talking.

I’m talking about genuinely connecting!  Deciding who’s making the kid’s breakfast or paying the water bill doesn’t count as a genuine connection.

In truth, while that study is heartbreaking, we can all probably relate a little.  It’s very easy to get caught up in our daily lives and duties.

  • Who’s picking the kids up from school or taking junior to the basketball game?
  • Which partner is dealing with the cell phone bill that came in $40 higher than expected?
  • How are we going to plan and pay for that summer girl’s trip my wife wants.

At times it seems the whole world has conspired to make our to-do list so long we never have time to just be with each other.

We find ourselves wondering if this is all there is to our life.  What does it all mean?  Even worse is when one partner is more this way than the other.

Quality over quantity

If all you have are those 35 minutes, make them count!  Put the phones and tablets in another room.  Turn off the TV.

Sit with a glass of wine once the kids are in bed and just look in each other’s eyes and talk.  Take a walk together! BE with them.  Take the time to be present (where you aren’t focused on anything but them).

If the idea of being away from your phone scares you, you might want to read an earlier post of mine about the signs of Cell Phone Addiction (click to read on my site).  Just sayin’!

When you can’t make quality time for each other, you may never see the other 7 stages of a healthy relationship!

If all we focus on are tasks, eventually we find ourselves becoming critical of how the other is doing those tasks.  Being regularly critical of our partner starts building resentment and can seriously damage the relationship.  Trust me; I’ve done it.

Building Trust 

Trust is when both partners both value their own needs as well as the needs of their partner equally.

According to Gottman, trust is best built when we listen to our partner when they are in a negative space without defensiveness or judgment.

This is especially true when they are mad at us.

Listening with empathy, having your partner’s back, and not trying to “fix” the issue is crucial.  You aren’t just waiting for your turn to talk.  And you also aren’t rebutting every point they bring up (even if you think they are wrong).

You also aren’t feeling sorry for them; that’s sympathy.

What you want is empathy.  Empathy is where you put yourself in their shoes and feel how they feel. The true masters of the 7 stages of a healthy relationship know how to listen empathetically.

You are genuinely listening to your partner with the only intent being to understand what they are feeling.

Giving our partner the benefit of the doubt

In a committed relationship, we have to make the assumption that our partner is a good person.

That doesn’t they won’t make mistakes.  It also doesn’t mean they may not have baggage from childhood or past relationships.  Been there, done that also.

If you struggle to Let Go of the Past (click to read on my site) and know it impacts you in the present, please take a moment and review the steps you can take to not let your past control you!

Make the assumption that our partner is a good person.  If they are feeling and expressing something negative, that is genuinely how they feel.  They aren’t simply trying to hurt you.

If they are genuinely trying to hurt you then you have bigger problems.

But in 99% of the cases, your partner is just hurting and wants you to truly hear them.  Give them that and you build trust.  If you get defensive, argue every point back or even try and fix the issue at the moment, you erode trust.  Trust me; I’ve had to learn this one the hard way!

Guys are often hardwired to be fixers.  That’s just what many of us do.  Something breaks; we reach for the cable ties and duct tape every time.

For most of us, the last thing we want to see is our partner upset, sad or in a dark place.  Thus it’s our natural tendency to want to “fix” the situation. I want you to resist that natural built-in urge!

How to listen empathetically

Empathetically listening doesn’t mean you don’t get to speak.  It also doesn’t mean you can’t disagree. But it does mean making sure your partner truly feels heard.

Look at them in the eyes.  If they aren’t mad at you at the moment, hold their hands while they speak.  Wait for them to get the bulk of it off their chest before interjecting.

Don’t be thinking about what you plan to say in return.  When you do speak, especially if their issue is with you, say something like: “what I heard you say is (insert issue here).  Does that sound right?”

That lets them know you were truly listening and it also gives them the opportunity to explain further if they didn’t feel like you got it right.


When it comes time to explain your actions (again, if their issue is with you), own it.  Don’t make excuses why you said or did something wrong.  Don’t try and turn it around on them “well if you hadn’t done (x, y or z) I wouldn’t have done (insert offense).”

If you made a mistake just say it.  Apologize for it and don’t make excuses.  When we make excuses or try and blame another for our actions, it only makes things worse.  And we look like a jerk (been there, done that).

If you struggle with empathetic listening skills (click to read on my site), as I once did, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out of my newer posts which addresses just that.

How to truly commit to your partner

Commitment is when each partner values the other partner’s needs more than their own.

That doesn’t mean that you don’t place value on your own needs, but it’s moved beyond keeping score.  We aren’t worried about getting our needs met at the expense of the others.

You are willing to sacrifice for your partner.


Taken further, true commitment is about cherishing your partner through thick and thin.

Do you question whether the relationship is “worth it?” 

You’re going to have arguments, but when those happen do you think about breaking up?

Perhaps you ponder what life would be like with a different partner?  Or perhaps you begin to confide in another (who you could potentially be attracted to) about your relationship issues.

When those thoughts and things happen you’ll never be 100% committed.

Now I’m not here to say you’re a bad person because you confided in a co-worker when you and your spouse last had an argument.  I’m also not saying you’re a terrible person if you ever thought to yourself “why did I marry this person!!” in the heat of the moment.

If you are in a committed relationship, the chances are very high one or more of these thoughts have entered your mind at some point.

What I want to do is show you a better way; a way that leads you through the 7 stages of a healthy relationship. 

I want you to understand the dangers of telling yourself things like that. Think of your mind as a computer and your thoughts are the programming code.

When we have negative thoughts about ourselves or our partner, we are literally programming our brain to think that way.  Do it once and sure, it’s probably no big deal.  If you do that frequently, however, you are shaping how your brain will think about them moving forward.

What I do when any kind of negative thought enters my mind is:

  1. First I acknowledge that I’m having that thought (denial or justifying doesn’t help anyone)
  2. I physically envision that thought being pushed out of my head (I like to think of it getting pushed off a cliff)
  3. I’ll focus on my breath while I’m doing this (slow breathing with a longer exhale than inhale will naturally calm you down)
  4. I try and replace that negative thought with a positive one about the same thing (if we’re talking about your partner think about what you love about them)

Unsure of where you are at?

If you aren’t at the stage yet where you are willing to literally or figuratively take a bullet for your partner then you need to work on trust first.

One interesting thing from the above-referenced podcast was Gottman referenced a study by Jim Cullen where he looked at gay and lesbian couples.  The ability of gay and lesbian couples to marry is still fairly new (at least in my country).

However, this study was done before the recent Supreme Court decision.

As you know if you’ve followed me for long, you’re aware that my blog is about finding common ground.  Thus I’m not here to discuss gay marriage as an issue.  We’re talking about relationships, and they come in all shapes and sizes.  This is about us coming together to celebrate our similarities and shared problems.

But in his findings, Cullen noted that gay & lesbian couples who were or considered themselves to be married had noticeably higher levels of the hormone oxytocin which shuts down the brain’s fear center.

When we get more levels of oxytocin and are less fearful we’re generally:

  • Happier
  • Healthier
  • We live longer
  • Our kids do better

That research proves that being in a committed relationship is actually better for you! So that gives us even greater incentives to work our way through the stages.

The crucial things you AREN’T doing in your relationship (but should)

Gottman also broke down the things that successful couples do that unsuccessful ones don’t do (or don’t do as much). 

He cited his source as a book called: The Normal Bar. In this book, they broke down the crucial “secrets” of happy couples and what the real face of what a “normal” relationship looks like.

So if you are still a little confused about the stages of love, just try and incorporate some or all of these into your relationship and you’re almost guaranteed success!

  1. Say I love you to your partner every day (and mean it)
  2. Kiss passionately for no reason
  3. Cuddle
  4. Give romantic gifts for no reason
  5. Be affectionate in public
  6. Have regular date nights
  7. Make sex a priority
  8. Stay friends
  9. For guys, be involved with the kids
  10. Also For guys, especially when both partners work full time, make sure you’re helping equally around the house

Stages of a relationship for a woman

Men and women are different. I know. Shocker. So it also shouldn’t be a surprise that men and women go through the stages of a relationship a little differently. Women also typically take longer to fall in love and are far less visually drawn to their partners the way men are.

Here are the stages that many women go through:

  1. Infatuation
  2. Building trust
  3. Letting their partner in
  4. Honesty
  5. Desire for stability

As you see, trust and honesty are crucial for a woman to truly open up. And if the woman doesn’t feel safe, heard, and understood, she’ll likely never fully commit unless she has damaged self-esteem from some childhood trauma.

But that kind of trauma can also create overly promiscuous behavior too.

But that shouldn’t be confused with true intimacy. Often a woman with damaged self-esteem and/or trust issues will have what’s called an avoidant attachment style.

This has them craving emotional intimacy, but out of fear, they keep everyone at arm’s length and often break up as soon as they feel smothered or uncomfortable with the emotionally intimate demands of a partner.

Stages of a relationship for a man

Men are visual creatures.

We often see an attractive woman and immediately start thinking about what our kids will look like. So it’s no surprise we go through relationship stages differently.

Here is the way men go through those stages:

  1. Sexual desire and attraction
  2. Infatuation
  3. Showering her with attention
  4. Questioning if she is as serious about him as he is about her
  5. Mutual love and affection
  6. Comittment

Of course, many men who try and rush the stages will often find themselves getting dumped by women who previously were really into them.

All because they went so fast in trying to go from one stage to the next that the woman felt smothered, rushed, or felt like her independence was at risk.

It always needs to be the woman’s idea for when a relationship is ready to move forward.

Final thoughts

In his post, we took an in-depth look into the world of relationship stages.

All relationships ebb and flow and go through changes. Sometimes we grow and change in different directions. But the good news is that with good communication, commitment, and focus, almost any relationship challenge can be overcome.

So this post should have helped you figure out which of the 7 stages of a healthy relationship you were in. That way you can focus on where you want to go and take your marriage or relationship to the next level!

Having a hard time taking your relationship to the next level?

Photo credits that require attribution:

Laurence and Kimbra by Johnny Silvercloud is licensed under CC2.0 and was cropped and edited.

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The Silent Treatment Hurts & is Emotional Abuse (how to stop it)

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There was a time when my wife and I would be arguing and she would just suddenly stop and walk away, and I’ve done it too. I know that’s not good, but I wondered exactly how the silent treatment hurts us and is the silent treatment a form of emotional abuse?

The silent treatment is a form of manipulation and type of emotional abuse. The person giving the silent treatment is taking control of their partner and forcing the conversation to end with no input from the other. It shows a total lack of respect and can lead to depression and low self-esteem.

But there’s a lot more to know about the silent treatment and why it’s far more deadly than you might think.

But there ARE solutions!

You don’t have to accept being ignored, manipulated or emotionally abused.

In this post, we’re diving deep into the world of the silent treatment. We’ll explore exactly what it is, why it is indeed a form of emotional abuse, and why someone we love might do that to us.

Specifically, though, we’ll explore how the silent treatment hurts us.

More importantly, we’ll learn the steps we can take to stop it so your relationship can get to the next level and stop the cycle of abusive communication.

What does the silent treatment mean in relationships?

Have you ever been in the heat of a disagreement with your spouse only to have them abruptly shut you out?

Nothing has been resolved and there’s still more to be hashed out. And yet with no say in the matter, they decided for both of you that the conversation was done.

The silent treatment hurts us by our partner shutting down and refusing to participate in the communication.  Basically, they’re ignoring us, often while we are continuing the conversation.

Renowned marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman refers to those who give the silent treatment as stonewallers.

Dr. Gottman has done more research on marriage and relationships over the past 40 years than virtually anyone. He has literally studied thousands of couple analyzing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Specifically, in this case, he has reported that in heterosexual couples over 85% of the stonewallers in a relationship are men (guilty!).

Dr. Gottman considers the silent treatment or stonewalling as he calls it, to be one of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Essentially one of the 4 worst things partners can do to each other and a very accurate predictor of divorce.


I have a recent article called Gottman’s Four Horsemen & Why Your Marriage Should Avoid Them.

In that post, I break down all 4 of the horsemen and analyze the damage each does to our relationships.  If your relationship is struggling, I highly recommend taking a moment to go through that post.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

If you love Dr. Gottman’s work as I do, and don’t own it already, you owe it to yourself to get his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (click to see it on Amazon).

That book may have literally saved my marriage!

Is the silent treatment a form of control?

Yes, is the short answer.

The silent treatment is a form of passive-aggressive abuse designed to inflict pain.

The silent treatment hurts us by design; no accident. Our partner is in pain and rather than wanting to relieve the pain, they want us to feel it too.

I know in my own case I have given the silent treatment to my wife when I feel like I have nothing left to say.  Or I revert to that mode when I’m so frustrated I worry I might say something I will regret.

So I take the approach that when you have nothing nice to say it’s better to say nothing at all.

My wife, on the other hand, gives me the silent treatment when she feels overwhelmed.  She will retreat to the bedroom and close the door and simply ask to be left alone to “process”.

Is ignoring someone rude?

One key distinction is that the silent treatment (stonewalling) is not the same as asking for a moment to cool down.

Whether you’re talking to your partner or your child, if you get to the point of anger, it’s good to step away.  It’s good to take a moment to collect your thoughts so you can speak your mind from a place of love instead of anger.


In those moments though, it’s crucial that you communicate the need: “I am not able to talk about this right now.  I need a little time to collect my thoughts.  But I do want to talk about it later”.  If you can set a time to talk later that’s even better.

That way your poor spouse isn’t going all day wondering when or if you’re going to talk to them.

What should you do when you are hurt?

In both cases, I understand why my wife and I do what we do. But it’s also important for both of us to realize that the silent treatment hurts us and our marriage. We are causing damage.  We are shutting the other out.

More importantly, we’re causing our disagreement to not get resolved in a timely manner.

And we’re forcing the other to wallow alone in the feelings of conflict.

Wallowing indefinitely since we have no idea when the other is going to decide to play ball. In short, people who are guilty of stonewalling are narcissistic & selfish (been there, done that).

What does the silent treatment do to someone?

the-silent-treatment-hurts-angry-girl-middle-class-dad

The silent treatment is a way of getting the upper hand in an argument.

The person giving the silent treatment is focused only on themselves and trying to make their partner feel bad.

They feel out of control, thus the silent treatment is a form of taking control back.  They are essentially saying “you can’t make me argue with you back”.

It’s also a childish form of behavior.  The adult equivalent of “I know you are but what am I?”

Adults resolve issues.

We work through conflicts and disagreements.  Children punish others when they feel feelings they can’t understand or don’t want to deal with.

Think about this analogy.  In prison, the worst offenders get what?  Solitary confinement.  There they have to sit in silence and get no interaction with anyone.

The silent treatment is essentially putting your spouse in solitary confinement.

One of the ways in which the silent treatment hurts relationships is the patterns it creates in both partners.

I know in my case when my wife withdraws it makes me push harder.  I just want to resolve the conflict so we can move on.  She retreats and I push to get to her to engage.

I feel ignored and she feels bullied.

It’s especially bad from the standpoint that most likely both partners see the other as the problem.  This cycle is commonly referred to as the “demand/withdraw pattern”.

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Do passive-aggressive people know how to love?

The short answer is yes.

But passive-aggressive people are damaged, They communicate in damaging ways. Often their behavior is seen as rigid. They won’t always communicate openly and honestly. Instead, they may behave childishly. They may also use sarcasm or play the martyr.

In short, they do know how to love but they have some serious issues with communicating their feelings effectively.

When partners only see the other person as the problem and don’t take any ownership of their own actions, they are bound to repeat their mistake.

If we repeat mistakes, especially relationship-crushing ones like stonewalling, we’re starting our relationship in a downward spiral.

When our partner doesn’t feel heard, or feels forced out of the conversation, eventually they will start to get apathetic about it.

When we consistently feel apathy or indifference towards our partner, we begin the shift our feelings from love to hate.

If you feel your relationship is moving from love to hate, it’s not too late to do something about it!

One of my most popular posts on relationships is called Top 3 Reasons for Divorce and How You Can Avoid Them.  I highly recommend you take a moment and check that out.  The marriage you save could be your own! Just click that link to read it on my site.

Check out this great infographic from The Wall Street Journal!

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How to communicate when you are hurt

I’m a firm believer in the old “when you, I feel, because” method of communicating.

I first learned that technique from one of my first bosses at my former employer a good 25 years ago (thanks to Caitlin!).

Essentially when you communicate like this you aren’t passing judgment on the other person. If a person feels judged they will naturally raise their defenses.  When they do that, they likely won’t hear anything you have to say.

I would also avoid labels; describe the behavior, then describe how it makes you feel.  

Lastly, state why it makes you feel that way.  If your partner feels like you are criticizing them they will get defensive.  Both criticism and defensiveness are on John Gottman‘s list of the 4 Horsemen.

So while your marriage might be able to sustain 1 of the horsemen, you don’t want 3 of them hanging around!

Another tried and true communication technique is to ask questions more than making statements.

Statements are finite; absolute and unbend-able. If you ask me a question it makes me feel like you value my opinion.  It also gets me thinking and I  just might realize I’ve made a mistake.

If you think owning a mistake is better when we realize it ourselves rather than having it pointed out, you’d be right!

So say something like “honey when you shut down and won’t talk to me it makes me feel like you don’t value my opinion.

It also makes me feel like you don’t value our relationship enough to resolve the conflict.  I feel that way because I’m not privy to what you’re thinking and I don’t know how long it will take before you will speak to me about it.

And being in limbo indefinitely is really frustrating for me.”

the-silent-treatment-hurts-angry-couple-middle-class-dad

Are addicts more likely to use the silent treatment?

Yes, is the short answer here too.

Professor Paul Schrodt of Texas Christian University conducted a recent study where they examined over 70 other studies on the silent treatment and specifically the “demand/withdraw pattern”.

As with Dr. Gottman, Schrodt found in examining over 14,000 couples, that men were the predominant ones giving the silent treatment.

He and his fellow researchers also found a direct correlation between those couples stuck in this pattern and those who suffer from addiction issues, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Thus the silent treatment hurts others because we are hurting ourselves.

In other words, when we bring our own issues to the table that we haven’t dealt with, we’re more apt to enter into damaging behavior in our relationship such as giving the silent treatment.

So what are my . . .

9 Awful Ways the Silent Treatment Hurts Your Marriage?

1. It is emotional abuse

Forcing your partner to sit alone and wait for you to come around to resolve a conflict is unfair.

It’s forcing them to adhere to only what you want.  A relationship is supposed to be a collaborative effort; even conflict.  When we don’t work together, eventually we learn to work apart.

2. It’s dis-empowering your partner

We all want a say in our relationship.

Just in the same way it doesn’t work when spouses don’t communicate with each other on spending, we also have to work together on conflict.

When one spouse force-ably removes all control from the other by giving the silent treatment, it completely dis-empowers the other.  If that happens regularly, eventually the relationship will end.

3. You are devaluing your partner

When we take control of our partner and behave in a way that constitutes emotional abuse, we are essentially telling our partner they don’t matter; they aren’t important to us.

While that may not be the intended message, it is undoubtedly the message that gets received.  When our partner feels unloved or undervalued they will start to place less and less value on the relationship in return.

4. Stonewalling tells your partner you don’t respect them

We all want love and respect.

For most of us, our spouse is the one person who’s opinion matters the most.  Thus they are one of the few people who can really hurt us.  The silent treatment hurts us because, in part, we are being told our partner doesn’t respect us.

If received on a regular basis we will begin to not respect the relationship back.

5. It’s a form of control over your spouse

The silent treatment hurts us because it is a form of control.

The one giving the treatment is taking all the control in the relationship and forcing the other partner to operate on their terms.  It’s completely one-sided and damaging to your partner’s self-esteem.

6. It can cause physical ailments in the receiver

While it’s well-known that the silent treatment hurts us emotionally, it isn’t as widely known how it affects us physically.

According to a recent study by The Journal of Neuropsychiatry, “the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) lies in a unique position in the brain, with connections to both the “emotional” limbic system and the “cognitive” prefrontal cortex.” It affects our “ability to control and manage uncomfortable emotions”.

They go on to say that “avoidance of painful emotions is often the motivating force in negative behaviors such as substance abuse, binge eating, and suicide.”

Essentially. if your spouse feels ignored, the brain sends them a signal that they are in physical pain.

That signal to the brain can ultimately lead to a host of devastating physical ailments.

7. Suffering under the silent treatment can lead to depression and low self-esteem

Repeatedly being given the silent treatment hurts us on a deep psychological level too.

After all, if your spouse, supposedly the one who cares for you the most treats you in a way that devalues you, eventually your self-esteem can plummet. As we see our self-esteem and feelings of self-worth decrease over time, which can lead to depression, feelings of rejection, and possibly even suicide.

8. You will both be in worse health

If the couple does stay together, where there was once love and affection all that will be left is hatred, bitterness, and sarcasm.

Rosie Strout, a doctoral student in the Social Psychology Ph.D. Program at the University of Nevada conducted a recent study at the universities of Nevada and Michigan. She found that by studying hundreds of married couples, that “experiencing a great deal of conflict in a relationship is very damaging to health, as are negative health behaviors like smoking and drinking.”

Strout went on to say that “conflict can be particularly damaging for health if spouses are hostile or defensive during disagreements or if they are arguing about the same topic over and over again without any resolution”.

9. Ultimately this behavior will destroy the relationship

But even if the relationship is destroyed, if the receiver finds their self-esteem is destroyed they may lack the will to actually physically end the relationship. The result could be years spent together in anger, frustration, and hatred.

But in most cases, the silent treatment hurts us by actually leading to divorce or breakup.

How do I get over silent treatment?

Dealing with a spouse or partner who gives you the silent treatment can be very hard to deal with.

Some people respond by giving the silent treatment back to their partner. Others get clingy in a desperate attempt to “win” their partner back. Others simply withdraw and wait for their partner to come crawling back.

In truth, none of those are the best response. The silent treatment hurts us, but we aren’t helping the relationship by inflicting more pain back in response.

Here are the best steps to take in dealing with a partner giving you the silent treatment:

  • Understand this is them asserting themselves in the relationship (because they may have otherwise felt powerless and this was a means of gaining control)
  • Put your ego aside (even if you truly believe you did nothing wrong). In relationships, we can be right and we can be happy, but we can’t always be both.
  • Try and understand the root issue that led to the silent treatment (and take ownership of your role in it)
  • Allow your partner space so they don’t feel attacked or pestered (but make it clear that the two of you will be discussing it further after they have some time)
  • Resist the urge to escalate (avoid name-calling, profanity, or yelling as it will only make everything worse
  • Set boundaries and don’t allow yourself to be manipulated (remember no one can take advantage of you without your permission)
  • Seek out a great marriage counselor (if the behavior continues or worsens)

Final thoughts

In this post, we looked at how the silent treatment hurts us.

More specifically we explored how stonewalling, also known as the silent treatment, is really a form of emotional abuse. It’s one of the 4 worst things you can do to your partner or receive from your spouse.

But most importantly, we explored what to do when we are the receiver of the silent treatment and how to save your relationship.

As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases if you click on Amazon from my site and choose to make a purchase. You can read my complete affiliate disclosure for more details.

Photos that require attribution:

ANGRY-ANN by Josh Janssen is licensed under Creative Commons 2.0

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Top Reasons for Divorce & How You Can Avoid Them

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wedding ring in black and white on a table Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

wedding ring in black and white on a table Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

My wife and I were on the brink of divorce in 2013. Luckily our marriage made it, but I decided to compile what I learned about the top reasons for divorce so you can avoid them.

The top reasons for divorce include basic incompatibility, infidelity, and money problems. Many couples struggle with 1 or more of those at any time. While infidelity and money problems are clearly defined, incompatibility can mean different goals, values, or an addiction issue.

Nothing feels worse than thinking your marriage is over.

Even if your relationship is now terrible or if you are pushing for divorce, it’s still a very painful process. We all experience the loss, the wasted time, and if we have kids, the terrible impact on them.

In this post, we’re examining each and every one of the top reasons for divorce, talking about the causes and how they impact marriages. More importantly, though, we also look at solutions for these reasons so you can get your marriage back on track.

What are the top reasons for divorce?

A recent study by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts shared the top reasons for divorce statistics based on actual survey results.

They found the top reasons for divorce to include:

  1. Basic Incompatibility
  2. Infidelity
  3. Money problems

While those represented the bulk of the top reasons for divorce statistics, the study also found abuse, parenting issues, and substance abuse were also factors.

In my own life, I’m writing this post having been divorced once (20+ years ago).  But I’ve also seen my 2nd marriage struggle with a number of the top reasons for divorce. Struggles that at one time seemed overwhelming.

Thus I’m in a unique position to write about divorce and saving a marriage due to:

  1. My own mistakes that led to my original divorce
  2. My mistakes that almost led to my 2nd one
  3. What my wife and I did collectively to break, save, strengthen and renew our marriage

Is money the number one reason for divorce?

The short answer is probably not.

There is a lot of studies out there on divorce.  While money fights and money problems do rank in the top reasons for divorce statistics, they don’t get the #1 spot in all the studies.

However, in an extensive study done by the National Survey of Families and Households, they did indeed find that disagreements over money were the #1 predictor of divorce.

What are the top 10 reasons for divorce?

Aside from the top reasons for divorce I listed above, the following items fill out the top 10 reasons for divorce:

  • Getting married too quickly and then realizing that compatibility & values don’t align
  • Communications problems
  • Incompatible sex drives
  • Lack of independence
  • Drug and alcohol issues
  • Once the honeymoon phase ends and romance subsides
  • Boredom with our partner

Do those top reasons for divorce have to destroy your marriage?

woman in black and white tearing a red paper heart in halfMiddle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

I would argue no.  All of the top reasons for divorce (and many others) are solvable if both parties are willing to work on them together.

Problems and issues don’t exist in a vacuum (most of the time).  In most cases, it takes two to start a marriage.  Thus it also takes two to break it, end it or fix it.

Of course, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you should get out and seek help.  While it’s possible for the abuser to get help and reform their ways, you want to ensure your own safety while they undertake that process.

What is Incompatibility?

Incompatibility simply means you’ve drifted apart.

Maybe you have different life aspirations that you did before.  Perhaps you each have different ideas about children or where you want to live.  It might also include things like using drugs and alcohol or sexual desires.

One thing I see that’s common is this idea that we can somehow change or fix our partner.

You see it all the time; the spouse who falls for someone but expects them to change once married.  Somehow it seems like a complete mystery to spouse A that spouse B is still the same person they were before the wedding bells.

It’s OK to inspire our partners to live up to their full potential.  But thinking, hoping, or expecting them to change who they are is a fatal flaw.  We have to accept our spouse for exactly who and what they are; the good, the bad and the ugly.  Who they are at their core being doesn’t really change that much.

Thus we should know going into a relationship if this person is really the one.

Marrying someone and then constantly griping at them for being the person they were before you married them just makes everyone miserable.  It’s also terribly unfair.

People will grow and change but it’s very unlikely to work by you trying to force it.  Accept them as they are.  This was a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way both with my wife but also some of my past relationships.  Thankfully, I finally get it now.

Do having different interests lead to divorce?

No is the short answer.

It’s important to realize that everyone is different. Many of us have different passions from our partners.

In my case, I’m passionate about my wife and kids.  But I’m also passionate about martial arts, cooking, staying healthy, playing music, and this blog.

My wife, on the other hand, is most passionate about helping autistic kids; something she’s very skilled at.  She’s also passionate about our family and fairly neutral (but supportive) on my other passions.

I understand and respect her passions and her mine.

We don’t have to share each other’s passions to respect and support them.  Thus it’s totally OK and healthy to not feel like you are 100% in sync on everything.  You want each partner to have their own dreams and you want to have some shared dreams too.  You support their dreams and they yours.

Time apart is good and makes the time together more special.

That being said, when couples start to do everything apart, the connection diminishes, the spark fades and among other things, infidelity is more likely to happen.  So don’t forget to have regular date nights and some shared passions you do together.

Is infidelity the number one reason for divorce?

woman in dress laying on an empty bed appearing sad Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

It’s certainly one of the most egregious acts one spouse can take.

And it’s not surprising that it’s in the list of top reasons for divorce. I would argue, however, that it doesn’t automatically have to lead to divorce.

Based on the divorce statistics, it’s also not the #1 reason for divorce.

In my relationships, I have been both the cheated on and the cheater.  Thankfully neither has been recent. Thus, I’m in a perfect (however unfortunate) position to see both sides.

First I think it’s important to look at the types of infidelity.  After all, while all forms are terrible, there are some differences.

Tiger Woods is a somewhat recent and famous example of a serial cheater.  He reportedly cheated on his wife with at least 8 different women.  Tiger then cheated on the girlfriend he had following his divorce.

He clearly has a deep-seated fear of commitment and until he gets help will continue to cheat. He has a sexual addiction.

On the other hand, you might have a spouse who has become lonely, isolated and starved for attention, affection, and connection.

Sometimes one spouse becomes so engrossed in trying to figure themselves out they neglect the other in the process.

Perhaps the lonely spouse has tried talking to their spouse and been met with excuses, apathy or indifference.  In this case, the cheater isn’t wanting or looking to cheat, but they could be vulnerable under the right circumstances.

This latter person isn’t just looking for random hookups.

They are looking for what’s missing from their marriage that they desperately want back.  Again, any cheating is deplorable, inexcusable, and unnecessary, but there are differences in cheaters.

If you aren’t sure you can Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my post), check out my recent post on my story coming back from my own infidelity a number of years ago. My marriage is PROOF that you can save a marriage after an affair.

By far, my favorite person for relationship and marriage advice is Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

His book, about the 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work (click to check out my review) may literally have saved my marriage!

Back to my examples above of cheaters. In both cases, saving a marriage is possible, but the latter is probably easier to move on from.

In Tiger’s case, he needs therapy and probably needs to change his environment (and thus profession) so he can focus on doing the work he needs to do.  He won’t be a great partner or father until he does that work.

In the latter case, the cheater needs to recognize and take ownership of the damage the affair did.

They need to recognize that how they went about getting their needs met was incredibly damaging to the marriage and to both partners.

The spouse of the cheater also needs to recognize their own role in pushing their spouse away or in not fulfilling their needs.  A clear understanding of what led to the affair is crucial.

But at the end of the day, there’s still no excuse for cheating.

Are money problems a deal-breaker for your marriage?

khaki pants person with a wallet sticking up out of their back pocket Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

Depending on the source, money fights and money problems rank in the very top reasons for divorce.

Disagreements over debt & lifestyle.  Arguments overspending habits and how the spouses communicate about that can all lead to money fights.

Honestly, this one, while one of the top reasons for divorce, is the easiest to fix.

Unlike the other issues, this one is more technical than emotional.  First off if both spouses have different ideas on money, debt, and savings we have to start there.

It’s totally OK for each partner to not agree with the other.  But it’s crucial that both spouses feel heard and respected for their views.

It’s also crucial that the 2 people come to an agreement that both stick to 100%.

If you and your spouse are struggling and sick of living Paycheck to Paycheck (click to read my post), I urge you to take a moment and reviews some simple, but crucial steps to get out of the rat race and start living!

My personal recommendations to avoid money problems are:

  1. Only have joint bank accounts
    • You made a commitment to be together; that doesn’t mean sometimes
    • Joint accounts mean no surprises and full transparency
    • Not sure if joint accounts are best? Check out my post where I explore whether or not couples should have Shared Bank Accounts (click to read my post)
  2. If you do use credit (which I don’t recommend), again only have joint cards
    • No hidden credit cards the other spouse doesn’t know about
  3. Have a set limit that requires the other spouse’s approval on before spending above the limit
    • In our house, we pretty well don’t spend anything we haven’t budgeted for without checking with each other
    • Surprises lead to arguments.  Arguments lead to tension and turmoil.  Turmoil riles our ego. That leads to divorce (and no, I didn’t say that in a Yoda voice)
    • But minimally set a threshold (maybe $100 or $200) that has to be agreed upon by both before being spent
  4. Do a written monthly budget before the start of each month
    • It’s OK if one spouse is more the math/budget nerd than the other, but both should be in agreement on where the dollars are going
    • Give each spouse a set amount of “their” money; basically an allowance
    • The other spouse gets no say in how the other spends their allowance money
    • Every other dollar spent gets agreed upon before it’s spent
  5. Have a Rainy Day Fund to ensure emergencies don’t wreck the marriage
    • An emergency fund is a savings account that is about 3-6 months of your household expenses
    • No one uses the money unless it’s an emergency
    • As Dave Ramsey says, “An emergency fund turns a crisis into an inconvenience”
    • Not sure how to start an emergency fund or why you need one? Take a moment and review my 9 crucial reasons you should have an Emergency Fund (click to read my post on how to start one)

Need help getting started on a monthly budget?

I have a copy of my Budgeting Spreadsheet available at no charge

– a key step in steering you clear of one of the top reasons for divorce!!

This is the very same spreadsheet my wife and I have used for about 7 years.

It’s a simple, highly customizable, Excel spreadsheet and you can download it quickly and easily FOR FREE!

free budget spreadsheet click box Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

The #1 thing you can do to save your relationship!

Communication is the key to avoiding all of the top reasons for divorce.

It really is that simple.  Communicating effectively about money, feelings & issues.  Not letting things build up silently only to explode later.

It’s not always easy to communicate with our spouse.  Often they are the person with whom we are most vulnerable. Thus we do a lot of dumb things out of trying to protect ourselves from possibly getting hurt by them.

Focus on love and trust and commitment and less on being selfish and fearful.  Focus on listening to your partner instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.  Speak the way you want to be spoken to.

Apologize when you mess up.  It really isn’t rocket science, I promise!

Need some help on finding ways to Help Your Relationship Grow (click to read my post)? In my post, I walk you through

What is a good reason to get divorced?

I think if you are in physical or emotional danger from your spouse you should strongly consider divorce.

I say that believing firmly that people reach for divorce all too often.  We’re a society that wants instant gratification.  We want it now and when we don’t get what we want, we look elsewhere quickly rather than trying to fix the problem.

Whether you’re talking about a broken TV or a broken relationship, we are all too quick to toss it aside and get a new one.

But if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to consider your own physical and mental well being. It’s possible to get help for any issue, but you can’t put yourself at risk while your spouse goes through that process.

You could, however, consider a separation while they do that work. If they are genuine and willing to work hard to change, it could be possible to save the marriage. But again, don’t put yourself at risk.

How to save a marriage speeding towards divorce

By the time you start living in the top reasons for divorce, tensions are high.

Your marriage is rocky. Beyond that though, ego and pride swell enormously.  I wonder how many marriages could be saved if both parties simply put pride and ego aside and just talked?

I also wonder how many want to reconcile but are afraid to be the first one to extend the olive branch?

Ego, pride, and fear are your enemies in trying to save your marriage.

If you and your spouse have mentioned divorce, now is the time to for humility.

Do you want to be divorced and 6 months down the road filled with regret wondering what if you had simply said: “I’m sorry”?

During tense situations, it’s easy to get our guard up.

It’s easy to let anger fly and arguments escalate.  Sometimes we have to choose between being right and being happy. You can stand on principle, but you may stand alone.

Another common scenario during separation is for one or both spouses to bad-mouth the other to friends and family.

I want you to avoid this.  If for no other reason than how it will affect your willingness to later reconcile.  You see, if you later have to go back to those people and explain that despite all the bad things you said you’re now reconciling, you’ll be hesitant to do so.

You’ll be afraid all those people will judge you or see you as weak.

You taught them to hate your spouse and now you want them to accept them back again.  That puts everyone in an awkward position.

That ego and pride I mentioned might stop you from doing what’s in your heart. If you need counsel or someone to let it all out to, that’s what a good psychotherapist is for.

What are the grounds for divorce?

Legally speaking, in most places, a no-fault divorce will be granted on grounds such as an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, incompatibility or irreconcilable differences.

Even without those reasons, you can also typically get one after a period of separation. A no-fault divorce means that neither party is responsible for the failure of the marriage.

Of course, there are also reasons where one spouse could be held at fault for destroying the marriage. Those could include:

  • Sexual harassment
  • Infidelity
  • Drug or Alcohol issues
  • Being disabled
  • Abandoning the marriage
  • Physical abuse

If you have tried and tried and just can’t make your marriage work, or if your spouse has done irreparable harm to you or the marriage, it may be time to consider divorce.

When one spouse has moved on

Sometimes when the couple separates, one (or both) immediately enters into another relationship.  In most cases, even if it’s a relationship that had been an affair, the spouse in that relationship really just wants what they had before.

They just want everything to be like it was when the marriage was new; before the drama, strife, criticism, and turmoil.  They just don’t know how to get it back.  But the presence of this third-person will prevent both spouses from being able to reconcile.

The spouse who’s alone will feel resentful of this new relationship.

They will most likely be completely unwilling to engage in counseling as long as the 3rd person is in the picture.

The spouse with the new relationship is afraid to be alone; that’s why they entered a new relationship so quickly in the first place.  That, along with it just felt nice to feel wanted again without negativity.

Thus this spouse may be unwilling to end the new relationship to try and save the marriage.

They fear being left with nothing if saving the marriage doesn’t work. In truth though, to save the marriage, both spouses have to commit 100% or it won’t work.

That means no outside relationships.  But it also means being willing to go to therapy.  It means getting out the pains and frustrations, but ultimately focusing on the good in the marriage; not the negative.

Each spouse has to show the other that there’s a good reason to fix things!

couple at sunset with mountains in the background Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

Is it too late to save your marriage?

Think of your emotions as sitting in a well.

The well is finite.  Love gets drained from the well as anger, frustration, and hate get added.  Eventually, you reach a point where the negative emotions outweigh the positive ones.  The good news is the cup is constantly changing.  It doesn’t have to stay full of negativity. You can dump it out and refill it anytime you choose to!

You can fall BACK in love!

Honestly, as long as you and your spouse elicit any emotional response from one another that’s a good sign.  If you didn’t care about each other, you’d both feel nothing.

So feeling anger is good as it means you still feel something.  And that something is something.

Until the ink is dry, it’s never too late to save your marriage.  Even then you can still marry them again or maybe get the divorce thrown out.  It’s never too late as long as both are willing to try.

The top reasons for divorce don’t actually have to end in divorce.

You CAN save your marriage — even if your spouse says that they want a divorce.

Put your pride and ego aside.

Focus on what you truly want.  Say you’re sorry.  Listen to your spouse.  It’s OK to want your spouse to do those same things too. But don’t play the game where you both are too proud or too stubborn to make the first move.

In a stalemate, everyone loses.

What I do know, as so eloquently stated below by famed General Stanley A. McChrystal, is that it takes a lot of energy to hold on to anger & past wrongs.

When you learn to forgive (yourself as well as others), you take your first step towards freedom and happiness.

If you struggle to Let Go of Past Hurts (click to read my post) and have trouble moving forward because of the past, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out my most shared post (on Twitter) on that very topic.

The terrible truth about why you should save your marriage

As I alluded to above, we live in a disposable society.

Our forefathers and mothers lived in an age when you didn’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.  If the TV broke you fixed it.  If you have a breakdown in communication with your wife, you worked on it.

Many of today’s top reasons for divorce didn’t end in divorce 50 years ago.

Today, by comparison, we are all too quick to divorce at the first sign of trouble.

This cut and run attitude is destroying families, breaking children, and ruining our society.  I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad who is divorced (of which I am one).  I’m simply trying to show you there is a better way; either for your current marriage or your next one.

The reasons you should try and save your marriage would certainly include:

  1. Love – You chose to say “I do” to this person once.  There must have been a compelling reason you both chose that; you’ve simply moved other less important things higher on the priority list
  2. History – When you choose to end a marriage you’re saying goodbye to what you’ve built; memories, places, people & things
  3. Lifestyle – A divorce often has a significant effect on the lifestyle of all concerned, including the kids
  4. Children – Not to make any divorced parents feel guilty but we all know divorce impacts our kids the most, and it’s done with them having no part in the disintegration of the marriage nor any say in choosing divorce

Let’s review some more top reasons for divorce statistics and specifically how they impact children:

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Going back to the top reasons for divorce statistics I started this post with, I see the following trends according to DivorceStatistics.Org:

  1. About 7% of the population gets married every year
  2. About 3% of the population gets divorced each year
  3. Thus we’re trending at almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce
  4. The divorce rate is highest among ages 20 to 24 (almost 40%)
  5. The good news is once you reach age 35, the chances of divorce drop to only 6%
  6. The divorce rate is higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages than 1st marriages
  7. A whopping 73% of 3rd marriages end in divorce (clearly we have issues not learning from our mistakes!)
 

So what are my . . .

Top Reasons for Divorce and How You Can Avoid Them?

1. INCOMPATIBILITY

  • Maintain a balance between each spouse having individual interests and shared interests
  • Make sure both spouses fully support each other’s interests
  • Communicate opening, honestly and often
  • Try not to go to bed angry but definitely don’t use sleeping elsewhere as punishment for disagreements

2. INFIDELITY

  • If both spouses want to reconcile, they have to be 100% committed to fixing things
  • The cheater needs to go overboard on providing transparency with everything they do (phone, email, social media, etc)
  • The cheater needs to end all contact with the 3rd person
  • Both spouses need to understand why the affair happened
  • The cheater needs to take ownership of their actions and understand the magnitude of the damage they caused
  • The cheater needs to understand that even if they felt pushed away or unloved by the other, that does not justify an affair
  • Professional therapy will enable a faster & healthier road to recovery
  • The wronged spouse will need to feel heard and be allowed to express their anger and outrage in order to move forward

3. MONEY FIGHTS

  • Communication, transparency, mutual respect, and complete agreement eliminate 99% of all money problems
  • Share views on debt, spending, lifestyle, etc and reach an agreement both spouses agree to follow
  • Shared accounts on bank, credit, and retirement accounts to ensure transparency and “no surprises”
  • Do a monthly budget before the start of each month where together you decide how the money for the month gets spent

Final thoughts

In this post, we took an in-depth look into divorce; a family tragedy that impacts thousands of men, women, and children each and every year.

We looked at divorce statistics, the impact of it on children, and how to renew a marriage that has gone stale.

Specifically, though, we looked at the top reasons for divorce. More importantly, we talked about key steps you can take to avoid it if your marriage isn’t all that it could be.

Photo credits (that aren’t mine or which require attribution:

Divorce by Billie Grace Ward is licensed under CC BY 2.0
why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart? by suez92 is licensed under CC BY 2.0
I hear in my mind; all these voices. (213) by Meg Willis is licensed under CC BY 2.0