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Why Does My Husband Hate My Family?

By: Author Jeff Campbell

Posted on Last updated:

Categories Save Your Marriage

It can be painful to be in the middle of a combative relationship, especially if it’s between people you love. And sometimes women feel like they have to choose between their family and their husband. Have you ever wondered “why does my husband hate my family?”

A husband might hate his in-laws if he feels disrespected by them, if he thinks they are a bad influence on his wife, or if he feels she spends too much time with them and is not focused enough on the marriage.

Why can’t they all get along? We’re married! We’re supposed to be one family now!

It’s not always easy to navigate bad blood between your spouse and family, but this article will clear up why this might be happening.

Read on for how to approach this issue and stop the fighting for good!

Why is my husband disrespectful to my family?

A husband who is disrespectful to his wife’s family likely feels that they are disrespectful to him, or to his wife. But there could also be inherent differences in personality, political beliefs, or religious beliefs.

There aren’t many good reasons for a husband to disrespect his wife’s family.

Be objective and make sure that only your husband is to blame. If your family is polite and respectful, there is no reason for him to treat them poorly.

Your family is like an extension of you. A parental relationship runs deep, and they are like an extension of you. They raised you. You most likely have some of their traits and even look similar. So, they deserve to be treated as such.

Just make sure you don’t find yourself nodding your head to any of the following:

  • My parents aren’t kind to my husband
  • They often criticize his personality, level of success, or otherwise disrespect him
  • My parents and I don’t have healthy boundaries
  • My parents are toxic, unsupportive, or otherwise disrespectful towards me

If so, your husband might have some legitimate complaints that need to be addressed. Take some time and be objective in your thinking.

If the negativity and hate are completely one-sided from your husband, there’s not a single good reason for it. Is his behavior common with all strangers or only your family? It could be a pattern that’s larger than this single issue.

At the very least, there can be cordial and formal politeness when you all meet.

This isn’t asking too much. We all have co-workers that we’d never befriend outside of our jobs. Yet, we get along out of necessity and maintain harmony in our lives.

A spouse’s family is inarguably more important than that. So, there’s no excuse. Your family doesn’t need to become your husband’s best friends, but they need to be respected.

What do I do if my husband talks badly about my family?

If your husband talks badly about your family, it’s important to understand why and to explain to him the difficult position it puts you in. Let him know you appreciate his point of view, but that you need him to be more understanding. But if his concerns are legitimate, you should also address it with your family.

This kind of negative behavior usually doesn’t just change itself. If your husband’s treatment of your family is starting to impact your relationship, it’s time for a discussion.

Nobody likes hearing, “we need to talk.” And you probably hate saying it even more. But for better or worse, it’s the only way!

So, read on for some tips on keeping your cool and having a productive talk.

  • Don’t take it personally

It’s easy to feel attacked when someone talks badly about your family. These are the people who sacrificed so much for you to be here. These are people you love! It’s important to keep calm and stay focused on the issue – why your husband can’t get along with them.

Allow any trash talk to pass right through you. This is his negative opinion, not the absolute truth. And until you understand why he feels this way, you can dismiss it as an emotional reaction, not a mature explanation.

  • Frame the conversation from your point of view, not his unwanted behavior

Use the classic, “when you _______, it makes me feel ______________.” Don’t attack him or stoop to the same level of name-calling and disrespect. Make sure you can explain why it’s never okay to call your spouse names in my recent article. This is a great way to show you’re on the same team, and your husband’s opinion is important too. Giving that impression is the foundation of moving forward.

  • Stop him from talking badly if he won’t budge

First, explain how his negative talk makes you feel. If he reacts emotionally, gets angry, or escalates the bad things he’s saying about your family, put your foot down.

Say something like, “the things you’re saying about them do nothing to help and are completely dismissive of my feelings. Can you stop it, or do we need to talk about this again later?”

It sounds harsh, but you’re giving him the choice of being mature or continuing to hurt you.

Always maintain your dignity while not stooping down to his level or arguing to the point of anger. Continuing the conversation with someone who is clearly not ready to reach a compromise is a lost cause.

Follow through with your words and try again later.

Should I put my husband before my family?

Your husband should always come before your family. That doesn’t mean it’s OK for him to speak poorly of your family, but not putting your husband first is one of the most often cited reasons for a marriage to fail.  

Don’t ever allow disrespect or words that hurt you. But, a strong relationship with your spouse is the foundation of a long, happy marriage.

You and your spouse’s relationship should be the most prioritized in your life.

In fact, putting your parents first can be a sign of poor boundaries, overattachment, or toxic behavior.

Your husband is family too. He’s the one family member you get to choose. When you got married, you decided to put him in that position. That choice, and all the responsibility that comes with it, should be honored.

Putting your family on top priority is one of the best ways to keep your marriage healthy.

And if the tension has been building, and the marriage has been waning, it may be time to refocus on your marriage and rebuild it. Luckily, I cover some tips I used in my marriage on how to do that in a recent article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

How do I help my husband get along with my family?

You can help your husband get along with your family by being objective and seeing who’s at fault. Then, explain to that person how their actions are hurting your relationship, and tell them what you need from them. 

Ultimately, it’s unlikely it’s just 1 person at fault. Most arguments take 2 people, although one may be more at fault than the other.

When everyone involved in the relationship is someone you deeply care about, it’s hard to remain objective. So it’s crucial to observe and take some time to think carefully about the dynamic at work and who’s to blame.

It could be all your husband’s fault. It could be some personality conflict from the family. Or, more likely, it’s a blend of both.

Identifying the cause of the conflict is the first step to solving this problem.

Once that’s done, separate the parties at fault and have a talk about what’s going on. Explain how their actions make you feel, and let them know you aren’t willing to continue as is.

If the problem is with your family, it’s important you address it with them and not let them off the hook just because they are your family. If your husband feels like you’re choosing them over him, that will only make your marriage worse.

If this is a recurring issue, you might be wondering if fighting often is normal.

You might be surprised to know that frequent arguments are not only totally normal; they might be just what you need to restore your marriage. Learn more in my recent article. But it’s CRUCIAL that you learn how to fight the right way.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Should I leave my husband if he is rude to my family?

If your husband’s rudeness towards your family is part of a larger pattern of toxic behavior, and you have talked about it and tried therapy, it may be best to separate. Separation can help you both get clarity on what is really important.

Of course, if the rudeness is a response to your family’s behavior towards him, you need to stand strong and support your husband. His behavior may not be OK, but neither is your family’s and your husband needs to come first.

Deciding whether this is a problem worth leaving over is ultimately up to you. This one problem can and should be fixable; if not, it’s time to make tough decisions.

This problem shouldn’t be too complicated to solve. It will take some careful observation, reflection, and a good talk about it, but your husband and family both should be able to come together on this.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable.

Asking your family and husband to respect one another and be polite is reasonable. Asking them to transform a toxic relationship into a warm, close one overnight is not.

But you know everyone involved, and you know deep down inside who’s behavior is really driving the issue. 

Take a firm stand with them, let them know how their actions make you feel and be clear on what you’re willing to put up with.

The final thing to consider is if your husband can’t change this behavior, is this something you can live with? This is the only answer that really matters.

Takeaway

There are a few reasons for a husband to disrespect his wife’s family. There are even fewer reasons for not solving this problem. You both can do this!

Observe and honestly reflect on what’s causing this before talking with your husband. When you do, make sure he understands why this is important and communicate your way through this.

The rest is up to him and your family.

But sometimes fighting with your family is a sign of something bigger and darker.

If this seems like a small piece of a larger issue, make sure to check out my recent article about some signs your husband might be thinking of leaving you for good.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Jeff Campbell
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