There’s nothing worse than seeing our wife in pain. And the worst is when they don’t see just how amazing they really are. Low self-esteem affects lots of people, but there are solutions if you have ever asked how do I make my wife more confident?
Help your wife be more confident and overcome low self-esteem or body image issues by complimenting her regularly without expectation. But don’t just comment about physical appearance; women need to feel valued for who they are as well as feel physically desired.
Do I look okay in this? Are you really having a good time? Do you still love me?
Everyone has a lapse when it comes to confidence from time to time. But hearing questions like this again and again might make you want to scream, “yes, yes, and of course, yes!”
Sometimes it seems like all of our love, compliments, and sweet nothings amount to exactly that: nothing.
In this article, you’ll find everything you need to know about giving your wife more confidence, end the self-deprecating questions, and even how to help her realize just how great she truly is.
Let’s get started.
11 proven ways to give your wife more confidence:
1. Learn her love language
The five languages of love are a concept most people have some awareness of.
It’s five categories of ways to show love in a romantic relationship. The five love languages are broad enough to categorize nearly any romantic act into them. But, different enough that they call for some awareness of how you choose to present your romantic acts.
Learning the best way your wife feels love is one step towards understanding her more deeply. Doing that is the first step towards making her feel valued by you and giving her more confidence. The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation. This means using your words to build your wife up. Validating her feelings and genuinely complimenting her fall into this category.
- Acts of Service. Anything that uses your time or energy for her is an Act of Service. Do her share of the housework when she’s feeling down. Offer to take care of the kids so she can have a night off.
- Receiving gifts. Does your wife love surprises or small tokens that you were thinking of her? She might respond to this love language. The gifts don’t necessarily need to be fancy either. Buying a coffee on the way home? Picking up one for your wife lands in this category.
- Quality Time. Spending time together on things you both enjoy falls into this category.
- Physical Touch. Sex, hugging, kisses, cuddling on the couch or touching her in passing speak the Physical Touch love language.
The best way to find out her love languages? Just ask!
2. Listen instead of just waiting for your turn to talk
Be generous with your attention in conversation. Give by listening and understanding before you speak. This shows you respect her ideas.
Conversation is a back and forth game of table tennis.
It’s organic, flowing, and influenced by input from each party—something your wife says triggers an associated thought. You want to contribute to keeping the conversation flowing.
You subconsciously take a moment to consider what to say.
You think about how best to frame your idea and connect it to what your wife said. You try to recall the most important details while she’s speaking.
By then, you’ve stopped being present. You lost the point of what she was saying. And your idea doesn’t seem to flow into the conversation anymore.
Don’t be that guy. Stay present and attentive to her words. Show her that you respect her thoughts by being an active listener.
She felt defeated- bruised, and down on herself. From being the kid that never did anything that pleased her parents, to feeling like a failure as a wife, her self-esteem was at an all-time low. She found respite in food and tacked on unwanted pounds. #a https://t.co/8hThHJfgv0 pic.twitter.com/xxhqfKHIVN
— Ruth McDonald (@roomcd) September 24, 2019
3. Compliment her in front of others
Complimenting her in front of others shows that you’re not afraid to show your admiration for her publicly. It also draws validation from others and confirms your positive affirmations.
Of course, complimenting your wife in private is excellent too.
But, complimenting her in front of others adds a deeper layer of meaning. It shows both a degree of bravery and social intelligence on your part. It says you’re not afraid to let others see that you love her. It’s a call for others to see her in the same light you do.
Others in her circle are sure to agree with your positive affirmations too.
Sometimes, compliments from friends hit with more value than yours. There’s a kind of expectation between lovers to compliment each other. A common deflection you might have heard: You’re supposed to say things like this.
So, the truth reflected in her peers’ agreement can have a great impact on your wife’s confidence.
4. Talk about issues or potential criticisms in private
And in the reverse, NEVER criticize her in front of friends. In fact, don’t criticize her period. If she does something you don’t like, tell her (in private), how her actions made you feel.
You can convey this without making her feel like an idiot.
Bringing up an issue publicly is insensitive and disrespectful. Your partner would feel far more comfortable talking out your issues in private.
Sometimes an unresolved argument surfaces where we least want to deal with it. No one starts a night out with their wife imagining it will devolve into a scene in public. Sometimes, a sensitive spot gets touched, emotions get heated, and control of the situation gets lost in a shouting match.
For someone already struggling with self-confidence, this can make matters far worse.
This is especially true if you start talking about personal issues or sensitive topics in front of her friends. You will have revealed something about her that maybe she didn’t want anyone to know, something that was entrusted to only you.
This adds more fuel to existing social anxiety or lack of confidence in a group of peers.
It’s critical to take a breath and cool down in public if you’re the one getting emotional. Wait until you’re home, or you can pull your partner aside. The problem can wait until you’re both in a comfortable space to discuss it together.
5. Appreciate her for who she is without expectation.
Trying to change who your partner is can deeply hurt their self-confidence. Accept and appreciate them, or let them go so they can find someone who will.
Both people in a couple should be able to compromise and shift behavior that harms the other. Anything less is a sign of a childish wife. But, it’s unfair to ask someone to change an entire aspect of themselves or suppress a desire that doesn’t hurt anyone.
No one is the perfect one for us.
Everyone discovers their partner’s habits and flaws at one point or another. Instead of asking them why they don’t [act in the way you perceive as preferable], ask why they do. Be curious. Understand the way their mind works, and you might appreciate them even more.
And if you truly can’t accept and love some aspect of her that isn’t compatible with you, she deserves to be let go. Someone out there absolutely will.
The only man who understands me @xanderberkeley ! Who understands my struggles with low self esteem and the struggles with pain! And has been by my side since 91! Love him and his amazing wife @SarahClarke ! So grateful to have them both in my life! pic.twitter.com/wupdEumDBU
— ?Katie Lester? ♿ (@DarkoneOfDamned) May 24, 2018
6. Check her out occasionally to let her know you still find her attractive
Make sure your wife still feels appreciated as a woman. Letting her know you still think she’s attractive needs to be explicitly shown even if you think she must know you do.
The passion of a new love is one of the greatest feelings on this planet. In the beginning, everything feels so exciting and unique. It’s hard to keep your hands off each other. Usually, that fire eventually cools into something more mature, more sustainable, and more real.
But the longer a relationship goes on, the easier it is to forget to show her some signs that the flame is still burning. Maybe it’s a playful pat on the butt, a shoulder rub when she hasn’t asked, a surprise hand on her lower back, and your lips on her cheek.
These things will always be as important as they were in the beginning. Physical touch is one simple way to show her you still think she’s beautiful and still love her just as much as you did when you fell for her.
7. Follow through on your agreements so she knows you value her
The end of every productive argument usually ends in some kind of compromise or agreement. Show that you value your wife by following through on your words with proof through action.
When a problem arises and turns into an argument, our gut instinct usually urges us to immediately fix the problem and avoid unpleasant, heavy discussions.
And getting to the bottom of an issue and what to do about it is always easier said than done. So it’s crucial to not undo all the hard work and careful discussion that went into solving a problem. Not following through with your promises will do exactly that.
Your actions need to match up to the promises you made to resolve an argument.
How well-handled the argument was doesn’t matter. Your gentle care and generous compromises are irrelevant. Are you doing what you said you would do? If not, all that work can be erased instantly.
Not following through is a strong sign that you either don’t value her feelings on the matter or that your words can’t be trusted. Neither is a good way to boost your wife’s confidence.
8. Open up to her about your feelings so she’s comfortable doing the same
You only get what you give.
To make your wife more confident about opening up, lead the way. Be vulnerable and share your own feelings first.
No matter how long you’ve known someone, it’s not easy for anyone to be vulnerable. Imagine noticing a co-worker or friend looking distraught.
You might ask what’s wrong and get a reply of, “Nothing, I’m fine.” This effectively closes down all chances of communication. It sends a signal that says you’re not at that level of intimacy.
Or you don’t trust that person enough to open up. Someone has to do the scary thing and breakthrough that barrier. If your wife is having issues with confidence, that someone should be you.
Have you tried opening up, sharing painful trauma only to find your wife not responding in kind? These may be signs of an emotionally distant wife.
My wife spent years being aloof and distant and struggled to let her guard down due to childhood trauma and abuse. In a recent article, I detail not only the tell-tale signs of that, but also what we, as husbands, can do to help her work through it.
Just click the link to read it on my site.
Low self esteem is the relationship killer, therefore love and respect yourself, first!#DrSapnaSharma #SpiritualCounseling #Author #OnlineCounseling #RelationshipCounseling #RelationshipAdvice #Wife #RelationshipPost #Partner #RelationshipQuotes pic.twitter.com/McmBUdIVuw
— Dr. Sapna (@Sapnaonly) May 14, 2020
9. Support her in working on body issues but don’t push it
No matter what goal your wife has about changing her body, support her without telling her what to do. Celebrate her accomplishments as her biggest fan.
Don’t try to be her personal trainer.
There’s a big difference between encouragement and pushiness. Encouragement means telling her she did a great job staying disciplined at a new habit.
Pushiness is making her feel like her hard efforts aren’t good enough. The former reinforces something positive and builds her confidence.
And nothing good can come from the latter.
Even if you’re also enjoying the results of her new workout routine, it’s not your place to tell her how far she should go. Your focus should be making sure she feels good about herself, not making sure her body can please you.
10. Avoid having all of your compliments be about her external appearance
It’s a wonderful thing to let your partner know she’s attractive. But, as I’ve said above, there’s more to your wife than her body. Make sure you notice and love all the good things inside too.
There’s nothing wrong with telling your wife she looks great.
No one dislikes hearing they’re attractive. But, is how often you talk about her appearance balanced with other compliments too? When a woman hears nothing but comments about appearance, it can make her think that’s the only thing you see in her.
Or she may think her appearance is the most important thing to you.
Tell her something you admire about her. Let her know when she accomplishes something she should feel proud of. Show her you love her for the woman she is too, not just the body that holds her.
11. Don’t make her feel bad for crying occasionally
No matter how confident someone is, we all have bad days.
Never make your wife feel bad for letting out her stress with a cry. Instead, be open to her feelings and tell her everything’s going to be alright.
Life is hard. Absolutely everyone has a rough day once in a while.
And someone lacking self-confidence could have it even harder than most. Lacking the assertiveness to confront negative interactions or release bad feelings can make negativity build and build until a breaking point. For some, that moment is a good cry.
If your wife needs to cry to let out stress and negativity, don’t suppress her even if you don’t understand why.
Ask what’s wrong, but don’t rush to stop her and “fix the problem.” Sometimes the best thing to do is hug her, keep quiet and show her you care.
Some awareness of your actions, combined with some of the above methods, is a surefire way to build up your wife’s confidence.
Keep in mind that this issue probably existed long before your relationship, so it’s essential to have patience and remain supportive.
Make sure to learn how she feels love using the five love languages, consistently show her that love as best you can, remain supportive, and make your actions reflect the truth of your words. Do these few simple things, and your wife will begin to love herself just as much as you love her.
Need some more help? Have your discussions been a bit more heated lately? In this recent article, learn about the one thing you should never do in an argument even when emotions are flaring.
Just click that link to read it on my site.
Frequently Asked Questions
How does low self-esteem affect marriage?
Low self-esteem can be catastrophic to a marriage. It can start a self-perpetuating descent of emotional distance, frustration, and helplessness on both sides of the relationship. This, in turn, can push the couple further apart from one another, leading to a breakup.
The questions at the top of this article are innocent enough.
There might even be something cute about their humility and bashfulness. But under the surface, these might be signs of a deeply rooted lack of confidence.
- “Do I look okay in this?” could mean, “I always look terrible; why is he attracted to me?”
- “Are you really having a good time?” could mean, “I’m no fun to be around. He couldn’t be enjoying this.”
- “Do you still love me?” could mean, “I can’t believe anyone could ever love me.”
Her lack of self-confidence leads to sensitivity, jealousy, negativity, or hopelessness.
Even if all her shortcomings aren’t aligned with reality, and none of these self-hating feelings were justified, they’re the first step in a downward spiral.
If you look for faults in yourself, you’re going to find them. That means if you’re looking for signs of those faults reflected in your partner’s eyes, you’ll definitely find those too, whether they’re real or imagined.
This increased sensitivity can start an argument or ruin an evening when everything was going just fine in your partner’s eyes.
The only way to stop this from happening is by focusing on the root of the problem: giving your wife more confidence.
If the damage to your marriage has already been done, then you have 2 problems that need to be conquered; her lack of confidence, and getting your marriage back on track.
Luckily, the rest of this article will help with the first one. And I have a recent article that explores the exact steps I took when my wife and I were headed for divorce in 2013.
We turned things around and our marriage is better than ever today, and you can do that too. Just click the link to read it on my site.
— SHILPA SHEKHAWAT (@SHAANISHILPA) August 11, 2018
How do I give my wife more confidence?
Give your wife confidence by showing how much you love her and value her for who she is. Follow through on promises, and make her your top priority. Don’t just tell her though, as actions will always be worth more than words.
If you’ve ever told your wife, “you look beautiful,” for the millionth time without any hint of an effect, you’re not alone.
Our words alone usually aren’t enough to change a fundamental problem like a lack of confidence.
That doesn’t mean that it’s worthless to say sweet things about her. That’s great too! But, the real way to giving her confidence is with proof through your actions.
But don’t make all your compliments about her physical appearance either.
She needs to know she’s loved and valued for who she is, inside and out. So while she needs to feel sexually desired, she also wants to know you value her for her brains too.
In the list below, you’ll find 11 proven ways to give your wife more confidence.
Try to keep them in mind and follow as many as you can. In time, you’ll see a huge change in your wife’s sense of self-worth.
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