authoritative

Authoritarian Parenting Examples, Definition & Effects

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sad young girl with blond hair holding a stuffed animal with bruises and a band aid over one eye authoritarian-parenting examples effects Middle Class Dad

As parents, we hear a lot about the different types of parenting. I’d heard about authoritarian parenting but wondered what some authoritarian parenting examples and long-term effects might be.

Authoritarian parenting examples include spanking, shaming, criticizing, and parenting through fear-based techniques. Some of the authoritarian parenting effects of this style include being more likely to bully others, suffer from depression, and being more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.

But that only scratches the surface!

The right parenting styles help prepare our kids for the real world. They foster kindness, integrity, and honor. They make for a better generation than the ones that came before.

But the wrong parenting style can do real long-term damage to our kids. When we are too domineering, too unbending and value compliance over love we can set our kids up for some real challenges later in life.

So in this article, we’re defining the authoritarian parenting style. But we’ll also give real-world authoritative parenting examples to make it crystal clear. And, we’ll also review all the main styles and the key differences between authoritarian and authoritative.

sad young girl with blond hair holding a stuffed animal with bruises and a band aid over one eye authoritarian-parenting examples effects Middle Class Dad

What is authoritarian parenting?

Picture a dictator or drill Seargent.

The authoritarian parent barks orders and demands blind obedience. They don’t want consensus, nor do they want a discussion. They just want their kid to do as they are told immediately, without hesitation, and certainly without backtalk.

Some call this tough love.

But in reality, there’s very little love involved. There is a lot of anger and fear instilled in the child. While many parents in today’s world have moved beyond spanking, physical discipline is still very much a part of authoritarian parenting.

There’s also very little warmth or nurturing.

The child isn’t cuddled or consoled after a failure or disappointment. The child is often told to refer to the parents as “yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir”. There’s no excitement between parent and child. There’s only a child hoping and praying to be perfect to avoid another scolding.

Ultimately, the authoritarian parent is both covering up insecurities AND trying to make the hard job of parenting easy.

You see, done right, parenting is a tough job. It’s our job as parents to prepare our kids for the real world. That, by definition, involves letting them have just enough age-appropriate freedom to make mistakes, and then learn from them.

If we just bark orders and have severe consequences for failure or disobedience, it might make the job of parenting easier. But we’re failing our kids by not allowing them to learn the skills they need to learn to live in the real world.

All the authoritarian parent is really teaching their child is to lie, sneak, and hide to avoid consequences. That and to fear authority in general.

What is an example of authoritarian parenting?

One great example of this kind of parenting is Chris Cooper’s character in the film American Beauty. His character, Colonel Fitts, is the father of Ricky.

He’s angry all the time (at everyone). Everyone walks on eggshells around him. He has high expectations of his kid and swift and severe punishment when Ricky fails to live up to those expectations.

Another more comedic example of an authoritarian parent is Red Forman from That ’70s Show. 

Kurtwood Smith plays Red. He too is ex-military and struggles with his idea of what it means to be a man. He’s perpetually grumpy, easily irritated, and constantly belittling his son Eric. Physical violence is often threatened, and light profanity (remember this is network TV) is often used.

One last authoritarian parenting example might be Vernon Dursley from the Harry Potter books and movies.

As Harry’s Uncle-in-law, he’s cruel, negligent, paranoid, and insists on Harry’s blind obedience while showing obvious and significant favoritism to his own son Dudley.

What is an example of authoritative parenting?

Authoritative parenting examples, by comparison, might look like the parents from The Incredibles.

They’re flawed, don’t always know what to do or what’s best. But they try their best. They call each other out on their mistakes. And they take ownership of their many mistakes.

You see, it’s a myth that parents have to be perfect.

If you’re doing the job of parenting correctly, you WILL make mistakes. You will screw up. That’s OK. Take ownership when you mess up. Apologize to your kids. Try again. Learn the lesson, and move on.

Another great example of an authoritarian parent is Adam and Kristina Braverman.

They too are far from perfect. There are a lot of mistakes made and tempers lost. And every mistake does impact their kids in some way. But that’s OK. That’s what parenting and growing up is all about.

Kristina, played by Monica Potter, is high-strung and emotional. She loses her cool sometimes, and in those moments, she can let her emotions get the best of her. But she comes back from those moments. She takes ownership, picks up the pieces, and moves forward.

Adam Braverman, played by Peter Krause, has a heart of gold.

But he also has a short fuse and can easily get rattled. He so much wants to love and support his family but isn’t always sure what to do at the moment to make that happen.

But together, they are perfectly imperfect.

If all parents were perfect, kids would enter the real world very ill-prepared to deal with it.

What are the 4 types of parenting styles?

In truth in today’s world, there are more than 4 main parenting styles. But the 4 primary ones initially identified are:

  • Authoritarian
  • Authoritative
  • Permissive
  • Neglectful

I would add the following to that list:

  • Conscious Parenting
  • Attachment Parenting
  • Helicopter Parenting

Learn more about all 7 of those styles and the pros and cons of all of them in my post of Poor Parenting Examples (click to read my article to see them all).

Who came up with the 4 parenting styles?

Diana Baumrind was a noted parenting expert and psychologist whose work in the 1960s and 1970s was considered groundbreaking. She most famously noted 3 parenting styles initially:

  • Authoritarian
  • Authoritative
  • Permissive

Later the neglectful parenting style was split off from the permissive style.

Learn more about the crucial tips the Baumrind Parenting Styles (click to read my article which breaks down her beliefs) can teach us.

What is the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles?

The authoritarian parenting examples feature a top-down, dictatorial command and control parenting style. Think drill sergeant or the Chris Cooper character of Frank Fitts in the movie American Beauty I mentioned above.

The authoritarian parenting examples trade love, kindness, compassion and empathy for blind obedience inspired by fear and punishment.

Authoritative parenting, by comparison, sets clear expectations. It also sets clear boundaries, guidelines, and consequences for poor behavior.

But where authoritative differs from authoritarian is that authoritative parents are explaining the why behind a request. They also know that everyone, including themselves, makes mistakes. So they also take ownership of their own mistakes.

So, while authoritative parents do hold their kids accountable for their actions, they never lose sight of the love they have for their kids. They also use love as the underlying reason for how they parent instead of fear.

What do authoritarian parents do?

The authoritarian parent does some or all of the following:

  1. Yells to instill fear and obedience
  2. Uses physical punishment
  3. Has severe consequences for failure, disobedience, or backtalk
  4. Uses the phrase “because I said so”
  5. Never apologizes for their own behavior or mistakes

The child ultimately learns to fear their parents.

The net result from this is they learn to be mistrustful of authority specifically and others in general. Children of authoritarian parents still misbehave but they become skilled at covering their tracks and lying to hide the actions.

The long-term authoritarian parenting effects include damaged self-esteem and can foster issues with anger management.

What are the effects of authoritarian parenting style?

Ultimately, authoritarian parenting can be very damaging to kids.

Unfortunately, when those damaged kids become parents themselves, the pattern often gets passed down. That may seem ironic given the child of an authoritarian parent knows their parent’s behavior is wrong.

But unfortunately, having the wisdom to identify bad behavior doesn’t naturally teach us what we should do instead.

Here are some of the long-term effects of authoritarian parenting:

  • Kids are less likely to feel socially acceptable (by other kids in their age range)
  • Children of authoritarian parents are more likely to bully others (because they were essentially bullied themselves)
  • Kids of authoritarian parents are less resourceful (since they are not encouraged to be free thinkers)
  • Children raised in an authoritarian home are more likely to suffer from depression
  • Kids tend to perform worse at school when raised by an authoritarian parent
  • The worst of the long-term authoritarian parenting effects may be that kids have a greater likelihood of abusing drugs and alcohol

Sources for the above claims include: National Institutes of Health in one study and again in another and another, the International Journal of School & Educational Psychology, The Universities of Temple and Wisconsin

So let’s review the . . .

9 Worst Authoritarian Parenting Examples & Effects to Avoid

1. DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO

Many kids have heard this phrase over the years.

In many circles in decades past it was probably even thought of as appropriate or an example of good parenting. The trouble is when kids see you doing things you have told them not to do (using profanity, smoking, yelling, etc) it creates confusion.

Kids can smell a hypocrite a mile away.

They may fear you enough to not question you, but they won’t respect you. When kids don’t respect you, they will only obey you when you’re around. Parenting is for the long haul.

We’re trying to set our kids up for success for life and we won’t always be there.

2. BECAUSE I SAID SO

Many a grumpy Dad has uttered this phrase too.

In fact, this might be the most typical of authoritarian parenting examples. The problem with this is it asks the child for blind obedience without helping them understand why it’s being asked.

I don’t know about you, but when I don’t understand why something is expected of me, I’m apt to question it. I’m certainly likely to not do it correctly if I don’t understand it. And I certainly am not likely to do it when the asker isn’t around.

So always take the time to explain the “why” behind the request.

It will help your kids fully understand and even if they don’t agree they’re much more likely to do it. And they’re much more likely to KEEP doing it. It also shows them that you respect them.

They, in turn, will respect you, making your ongoing parenting efforts a whole lot easier.

3. SPANKING & OTHER PUNITIVE PUNISHMENTS

When I was a kid, spanking was encouraged!

Even teachers used corporal punishment on misbehaving kids. Today, most circles of society border on considering that to be abuse.

What changed?

Our mindset as a society changed. We realized that if we replace love with fear when kids no longer love you but are simply afraid of you, they will only “behave correctly” in your presence.

I wonder how many kids who were regularly spanked or paddled said “yes, sir” to their Dad only to turn right around when he was gone and turn to drugs or alcohol or other risky behaviors?

Those are real authoritarian parenting effects that will last for years and take a lot of work to overcome.

Set clear boundaries and guidelines. Be firm, fair and consistent. Let your kids know and feel your love for them. But also hold them accountable in a loving way when they misbehave.

When you do that and are clear on why they are being held accountable, physical punishments become unnecessary.

4. MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

Let’s be honest. Sometimes we just want our kids to do what we’re asking without question.

  • Clean your room!
  • Do your homework!
  • Brush your teeth!

But the reality is that our being tired or cranky doesn’t give us a pass on good parenting. In most cases, our way isn’t the only way of accomplishing a goal.

So when it makes sense, give your kids a goal. Give them a time frame to complete it in. But then step back and let them have the freedom to accomplish that goal however they wish to.

If they don’t meet the goal then there will be consequences for that and it’s a good learning experience for them. But if they do meet it, they’ll respect the fact that you trusted them with completing the task without being micromanaged.

5. SHAMING

Shaming is another cornerstone of the authoritarian parenting examples.

Make no mistake. Kids need to know when they have misbehaved. They need to be held accountable for their actions. But shaming them holds no place in good parenting.

When we shame our kids, we do incredible damage to their self-esteem (click to read my list of ways to boost it).

So if your child gets a low grade or gets sent to the Principal’s office or otherwise does something they shouldn’t have done, it’s vital to communicate appropriately.

Never belittle them or name call. Don’t criticize the behavior in front of their friends. Pull them aside, just as a good boss would with an employee and discuss the issue.

You can let them know you are disappointed in a way that doesn’t make them feel like a terrible kid. Criticize the action, not the person.

7. QUICK TO CRITICIZE, SLOW TO PRAISE

The authoritarian parent is quick to anger.

Children of authoritarian parents are the ones likely to try and photoshop a bad grade on a report card or hide something they damaged.

While holding kids accountable for bad behavior is incredibly important, they can’t only hear the negative.

So make sure to call out what they do right! Kids do great stuff every day, so make sure they know it.

8. LACKING EMPATHY & WARMTH

When parents choose an authoritarian approach it can often be rooted in one of two things:

  1. They were raised that way so it’s all they know
  2. They are unhappy in their own lives and allow their frustrations to guide their parenting style

Thus, authoritarian parenting examples inevitably include a parent who lacks happiness and joy. They aren’t warm and loving. They appear cold and the child may learn to obey them.

They may say “yes, sir” or “no, ma’am”, but they never really learn how to connect with another in a deeply loving way.

Thus as the kids get older, they will naturally struggle in relationships. They may be mistrusting of authority. And they will always struggle to connect with others in a meaningful way.

9. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH

Authoritarian parents are quick to criticize and nothing ever feels good enough.

Kids inherently want their parent’s approval, so don’t make them beg for it. It’s OK to have high standards, but don’t make them so ridiculously high that your child never meets it.

Talk about goals with your kids. Get them involved in the process of setting them. Empower them to want to meet and exceed those goals.

When you do that, you’re setting them up for success for life. And isn’t that what being a good parent is all about?

Final Thoughts

In this post, we took a hard look at some of the worst authoritarian parenting examples.

We also looked at some of the other parenting styles and how they differ.  Lastly, we looked at the long-term authoritarian parenting effects and how the negative impact can damage our kids.

My goal with this post was to draw attention to some of the more damaging effects of bad parenting but mostly to get everything thinking and discussing.

You see none of us are perfect parents. But by taking the time to educate ourselves and be just a little better tomorrow than we are today, that makes us great parents!

If you liked this post, I highly recommend you take a moment and review the 23 Qualities of a Good Father (click to read my article). It’s one of my most popular parenting posts.

 

 


5 Amazing Ways Baumrind’s Parenting Styles Can Help You

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Baumrind's parenting styles Middle Class Dad mother daughter kiss

Curious about how Diana Baumrind’s Parenting Styles can help your parenting?

Parenting in today’s modern world is a challenge!

As parent’s our lives are busier than ever. We work harder than the generations before and often find our time and patience stretched thin. So taking the time to look at our own parenting style and educate ourselves on how to improve it often seems like an impossible task.

Luckily there are experts we can learn from and it doesn’t have to take up big chunks of our precious time.

Diana Baumrind is considered one of the top experts in identifying parenting styles.

Specifically, she is a clinical psychologist whose studies on parenting styles are still considered groundbreaking today. When she released her work in the 1960’s she began a movement that saw the rise in the authoritative parenting style.

At the time the 2 dominant parenting styles were permissive and authoritarian.

In this post, we’ll explore Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles. We’ll also look at how they fit in with today’s modern world.

But most importantly, we’ll help identify which parenting style you are. And we’ll give actionable tips on how to change the areas you aren’t happy with.

What are Diana Baumrind’s Parenting Styles?

In truth, in today’s modern world, I believe there are more than three main styles of parenting.

But at the time of her original work, Baumrind’s parenting styles only included:

  • Authoritative – This “parent attempts to direct the child’s activities but in a rational, issue-oriented manner.” The parent encourages verbal give and take. They share with the child the reasoning behind a policy. They also solicit objections when the child refuses to conform. “Both autonomous self-will and disciplined conformity are valued.”
  • Authoritarian – This “parent attempts to shape, control, and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child in accordance with a set standard of conduct, usually an absolute standard”. The parent values obedience and favors punitive, forceful measures to curb self-will. The parent believes in keeping the child in their place. They restrict autonomy.
  • Permissive – This parent attempts to behave in a lax and accepting manner towards the child’s impulses, desires, and actions. The parent makes few demands for household responsibility and orderly behavior. They are available for the child if needed but don’t model the behavior to would like to see in the child.

Dive in deeper on Baumrind’s parenting styles and check out what she and 4 other parent experts have to say in her groundbreaking book Parenting for Character. Amazingly available for under 10 bucks on Amazon Prime!

The 4th parenting style & the dangers of the neglectful parent

Later the neglectful style was split off from the permissive style by the work of Maccoby & Martin in 1983.

Maccoby & Martin built onto the work of Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles so this 4th style was a natural continuation of her work.

They believed that a neglectful parent was more selfish than a permissive parent. The neglectful parent is one who consistently puts their own need above the child’s needs.

Unlike the permissive parent who sets few boundaries but is available if needed, the neglectful parent is often mentally and/or physically unavailable to the child.

I believe that in today’s modern world there are actually 7 main parenting styles. If you’re curious about them but especially the 3 worst ones, I highly recommend you take a moment and take a look at my Poor Parenting Examples.

How does permissive parenting affect a child?

The permissive parent doesn’t want to be the heavy.

They don’t want to have to set boundaries and guidelines. In turn, they see the child more as a friend than someone who needs guidance and structure.

This parent prefers to avoid the conflict that can come from holding kids accountable to a set of rules.

Often times age-appropriateness is an issue with the permissive parent. Ultimately the permissive parent is driven by their own insecurity and need to be loved. They (wrongly) believe that the child won’t love them if they set clear structure and boundaries.

It’s also easier (at least in the early years) to avoid tantrums and meltdowns by giving in to the child’s every whim.

The downsides of permissive parenting are that the child can sometimes not have a clear understanding of right and wrong. They may also use inappropriate language at school they learned from their parent.

Because they don’t have a clear sense of boundaries and rules as they age into adulthood they may have a hard time adapting to societal norms and rules.

All of this can lead to the child to grow up with a high sense of entitlement. After all, they were allowed to do almost anything they wanted to as a child and as an adult, it can be very hard to realize that life doesn’t work that way.

So if you’re seeing some of the Worst Child Behavior Problems and Solutions now, it’s time to take action. And that action should start by looking at ourselves.

Interested in the 2 Best Selling Parenting Books on Amazon Prime?

There’s How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character by Paul Tough. This amazing read boasts 4.5 stars and 900 reviews.

Baumrind's parenting styles Middle Class Dad How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character

This book dives deep by “Drawing on groundbreaking research in neuroscience, economics, and psychology, Tough shows that the qualities that matter most have less to do with IQ and more to do with character: skills like grit, curiosity, conscientiousness, and optimism.”

Then there’s The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson.

Baumrind's parenting styles Middle Class Dad The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive

“In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the best-selling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson demystify the meltdowns and aggravation, explaining the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures.”

This book also features 4.5 stars and over 800 reviews so you know both of these are excellent books.

Enjoy one of them for free as an audiobook when you sign up for a free 14 day trial with Audible!

Who came up with the different parenting styles?

Of course, parenting has been around as long as human-kind has been around. One of the earliest known published works was in 1693 by John Locke’s called “Some Thoughts Concerning Education”.

But in modern times, there’s no denying that Baumrind’s parenting styles are considered the foundation on which we operate.

Then, as I mentioned above, in 1983, Baumrind’s parenting styles was expounded and expanded by Maccoby and Martin.

Of course, in today’s modern world many experts have added to the 3-4 original parenting styles with styles such as:

  • Attachment Parenting
  • Conscious Parenting
  • Helicopter Parenting

In the early 70’s Baumrind’s parenting styles research was expanded to include how different races and parenting styles affect children. She was noted to have observed that Black parents using the authoritarian style were perceived more warmly and lovingly by their children than White parents.

For an excellent look at today’s parenting challenges, take a look at my post on the 11 Most Common Parenting Issues. I not only walk you through the issues but give you some simple solutions you’ll love!

What is the best type of parenting style?

Baumrind's parenting styles Middle Class Dad Mom and Daughter

Of all Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles, she was the champion of the Authoritative parenting style.

She noted in one of her published works “(the (parents) monitor and impart clear standards for their children’s conduct. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible, and self-regulated as well as cooperative”.

In truth, I think most of us are a blend of parenting styles. Even truer is that you likely aren’t the same style as your spouse or partner. Thus learning how to identify the different aspects of both parents is crucial.

My wife and I blend attachment parenting and authoritative parenting with a little bit of conscious parenting.

For us that works perfectly. For you, you may find blending other styles works better.

There isn’t one style fits all but by just asking the questions and seeking knowledge about Baumrind’s parenting styles as well as the others, that makes you a great parent.

Dive in deeper on some amazing Authoritative Parenting Examples you may want to try with your kids.

After all, great parents aren’t perfect. But they don’t give up and they keep trying to get better.

What’s my favorite parenting book?

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Dr. Meg Meeker. With 3 daughters I need all the help I can get!  This amazing book has 1000 reviews and features 4.5 stars so I’m hardly alone in singing its praises.

Baumrind's parenting styles Middle Class Dad Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know

But fear not, she also has Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Lessons Mothers Need to Raise Extraordinary Men for those of you with sons. I have no experience with sons, but I know that book is equally amazing.

So what are the . . . 

5 Amazing Ways Baumrind’s Parenting Styles Can Help You?

1. You can’t just pull rank on your kids

The authoritarian parent is a “because I said so” parent. They (incorrectly) believe that if they are firm enough, mean enough or loud enough the child will comply.

Kids may do what you want in the heat of the moment, but if you want them to behave well in your absence it’s important that they feel loved and respected.

When they feel that way, they’ll be much more apt to do as requested even when they disagree, and especially when you aren’t looking.

If you’re worried your style might be too authoritarian, I highly recommend you take a moment and review my Worst Authoritarian Parenting Examples.

2. To be kind sometimes means being firm

The permissive parent foolishly believes that by being more friend than parent to their child that their child will be lovingly loyal and obedient.

In actuality, while children crave boundaries, structure, and guidelines, they may not always be receptive to them. As a parent, it’s our job to ensure their safety, emotional growth and, most importantly, the ability to live in the real world.

Sometimes we are required to do that even when our parenting is not welcome.

3. Being too restrictive with your kids could backfire

With an authoritarian parent, the child may learn to do as requested out of fear. However, they will be more afraid of the parent than loving and ultimately will find ways to misbehave behind the parent’s back.

So if you have a specific goal, try giving it clearly, and even a deadline if applicable. But then step back and let them figure out how to achieve it, making it clear they can ask for help if necessary.

If they don’t hit the goal then talk through it with them so they understand what to do differently next time.

4. Telling kids the “why” behind your request is crucial

Most kids, once they hit age 6 or so are old enough to be told why something is being asked of them. Kids don’t always understand our requests. But explanations benefit the whole family in 2 important ways.

First, it helps them to understand where we are coming from. But, more importantly, it lets them know we respect them enough to take the time to explain our thoughts.

5. Model the behavior you want your kids to emulate

Kids learn best from watching how we behave.

This is not only true with how we behave with them, but how we interact with our spouse, their teachers and anyone they see us connecting with.

Thus, while we should not pretend to be perfect, it’s crucial that we act and communicate in a way that we want them to do too.

If your kids see you berating waiters or yelling at your spouse you are literally programming them to behave the same way.

Have you struggled with your parenting style or how it relates to Baumrind parenting styles?

So we looked at Baumrind’s parenting styles and also looked at how they fit in with how we live today.

After all, the parenting work of Diana Baumrind was developed in the 1960’s and a lot has changed since then. Thus it’s crucial that we take the information that’s helpful to us and blend it with what’s realistic for the modern world of today.

Most importantly we looked at how to identify what parenting style we are and how to change in the areas we want to grow in.

Parenting is the #1 most important thing that will save our planet.

Children are literally our future and the generations we raise today will be the leaders of tomorrow and the parents of the future. Whether each generation gets a little bit better or worse is up to us!

Why listen to me?

I’m a father of 3, married to a teacher and my day job is Academy Director of a large school with upwards of 400 students (and a 2nd location with upwards of 100 students), so spend all day, every day, interacting with children, parents and I’ve seen it all; the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Any parenting tips not covered here? Comment below!

Ready to dive in deeper?

I have a FREE 6 part mini-parenting course called Imperfect Parenting!

Learn more and get signed up today for better parenting tomorrow.

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