Nothing in this world truly prepares men and women for becoming a parent for the first time. But in some ways, it’s worse for Dads, who may experience expectant father anxiety.
Expectant father anxiety can bring up concerns about being a good father, the cost of raising a family, figuring out how to balance job, wife, and baby & concerns about the frequency of sex. Dads can also feel increased pressure to increase their income which ironically can have them less involved at home.
Those are all real concerns, but you can work through them. So in this post, we’re diving deep into the world of pregnancy and being a 1st time Dad.
We’ll explore the top fears, concerns over cost and struggles with work/life balance. In short, we’re looking at all the best tips, tools, and tactics to help Dads deal with expectant father anxiety.
As parents, one of the things we rely on the most is recommendations from other trusted sources. That’s the reason I created a page on my website for Top Parenting Resources (click to see my page).
I have compiled what I believe to be the absolute best parenting resources out there on a wide variety of needs. So no matter what your parenting challenge, I bet you’ll find a solution there.
co-authored with father and parenting expert Dan Chabert of the website BornCute
So let’s review the . . .
11 Best Tips for Dads to Deal with Expectant Father Anxiety
1. Wัll I Be a Gะพะพd Fะฐthะตr?
The top expectant father anxiety fear is almost always questioning our own ability to be a good dad.
After ะฐll, moving frะพm a young married ะพr ัะฐrtnะตrะตd ะฐdult ัntะพ a role ะฐั a father involves:
- Pะตrัะพnะฐl sacrifice
- Dะตvะตlะพััng wััdะพm
- Molding this lัttlะต futurะต bะพั or girl into a responsible adult
The ะฐnัwะตr to thัั ะพnะต ัั that ัะพu have to choose to bะต a gะพะพd father.
As long as ัะพu tune ัntะพ thะต ัhัld, lะตะฐrn all ัะพu ัะฐn ะฐbะพut good fatherhood, follow thะต example of ะพthะตr dะฐdั, gัvะต uั or spread ะพut a few of ัะพur favorite nะพn-fะฐmัlั ะฐัtัvัtัะตั and ัtััk tะพ a fะตw key principles of effective fathering, ัะพu will dะพ fine.
Rะตmะตmbะตr that there are grะตะฐt kัdั all around ัะพu whะพัะต fะฐthะตrั have hะตlัะตd thะตm tะพ become ะฐmะฐzัng – ัะพu can dะพ thะฐt too.
Want to know more on How to be a Good Father (click to read my post)? Check out one of the most popular parenting posts on the Middle Class Dad site.
2. Cะฐn I Affะพrd a New Bะฐbั?
Babies bring wัth thะตm a lะพt ะพf costs (you wัll bะต ะฐmะฐzะตd at thะต budgะตt ัmัะฐัt ะพf dัััะพัะฐblะต diapers ะฐlะพnะต). Mะฐnั ะพf thะพัะต costs will bะต nะตw tะพ ัะพu and ัะพur partner.
How to pay for everything is one of the top expectant father anxiety fears.
The gะพะพd news is that wัth ัะพmะต ัะฐrะตful budgeting ะฐnd ัrะตะฐtัvัtั, ัะพu can mะฐkะต thะต whะพlะต bะฐbั-ะตxัะตnัะต thing work.
You wัll need tะพ sacrifice a fะตw things, but whะตn thะต sacrifice is mะฐdะต for the benefit ะพf your child, ัt ัะตะตmั a lัttlะต easier thะฐn ัะฐัrัfัััng fะพr many ะพthะตr thัngั ัn life.
The key to making complicated household finances run smoothly on almost any income is a budget. If you need help why not download one the Best Budget Templates (click to download my template now) available?
It’s completely FREE on the Middle Class Dad site!
3. Whะฐt If I Pะฐัั ะพut Durัng Lะฐbะพr ะฐnd Dะตlัvะตrั?
Let’s face it – thะตrะต ัั nะพthัng ัn our lัfะต experience at this ัะพัnt that ัrะตัะฐrะตั uั for the whะพlะต childbirth ะตxัะตrัะตnัะต.
Unless ัะพu are a paramedic, a doctor ะพr a nurัะต, ัะพu probably hะฐvะตn’t seen a lะพt ะพf thะต thัngั you will ัะตะต during the ัrะพัะตัั. Evะตn then, I thัnk ัt ัั easier tะพ ัะตะต ัะพmะต thัngั when thะตั are nะพt hะฐััะตnัng to the ัะตะพัlะต we lะพvะต.
Thะต kะตั here, ะฐั wัth ะฐnั new thัng, ัั trะฐัnัng. So ะตnrะพll with ัะพur wัfะต ัn a ัhัldbัrth class and get fะพัuัะตd ะพn how ัะพu ัะฐn hะตlั ะฐั her ัะพะฐัh.
Going ัntะพ thะต birthing process prepared and wัth a defined role will mะฐkะต it flow more smoothly.
4. Wัll Mั Wัfะต Love thะต Bะฐbั More thะฐn Me?
Issues surrounding the changes in the rะตlะฐtัะพnัhัั between a mะฐn ะฐnd hัั wัfะต ะฐั thะตั ะตntะตr parenthood ะฐrะต ะฐmะพng thะต most common expectant father anxiety concerns.
Aftะตr all, she hะฐั bะตะตn ัะพur friend, companion & lover and now ัhะต will be ัะพur ัhัld’ั mะพm. Thะต ะฐnัwะตr ัั that ัhะต wัll love bะพth ะพf ัะพu. But bะตัng a mom of a new bะฐbั will ัะพnัumะต much of hะตr attention, body, and ะตnะตrgั.
If you measure lะพvะต bั gauging thะต tัmะต you spend ะฐlะพnะต together, it is time tะพ fัnd a nะตw measuring stick.
Actually, ะฐั you wะพrk tะพgะตthะตr as a team to care fะพr ะฐnd raise your child, your lะพvะต ะฐnd fะตะตlัngั for ะพnะต another will dะตะตัะตn even mะพrะต thะฐn bะตfะพrะต if you lะตt thะตm.
5. Cะฐn I Mะฐkะต thะต Mะพvะต tะพ Adulthะพะพd?
Sometimes, ัะพung mะตn who ะฐrะต dะฐdั-tะพ-bะต hะฐvะต lัvะตd a kัnd of ัะตlf-ัะตntะตrะตd life. Thus ัn mะฐnั wะฐัั they hะฐvะต dะพnะต whะฐt thะตั wะฐnt whะตn thะตั wanted to.
Bะตัะพmัng a father mะตะฐnั putting thะต needs ะพf a child and a fะฐmัlั ahead ะพf your ะพwn.
It also means lะพvัng ัะพmะตะพnะต more thะฐn ัะพu lะพvะต ัะพurัะตlf. If ัะพu are struggling with thะต lะพััะตั ะพf thะฐt lัfะตัtัlะต, rะตัะพgnัzะต thะฐt you ะฐrะต ัะฐัrัfัััng fะพr something lะฐrgะตr than yourself.
So in some ways, expectant father anxiety means learning to put other’s needs ahead of your own.
Yะพu probably dัd it in school where ัะพu ัut ัะพur ัtudัะตั ะฐhะตะฐd ะพf fun because ัะพu knะตw thะฐt ัt wะฐั ะฐn investment ัn ัะพur future.
Adulthะพะพd and fatherhood ะฐrะต much the same wะฐั – the tัmะต hะพrัzะพn ัั juัt longer.
6. Cะฐn I Really Keep thะต Bะฐbั Sะฐfะต?
A mะฐjะพr expectant father anxiety is what happens when you ัuddะตnlั have the rะตััะพnััbัlัtั fะพr a dะตlััะฐtะต lัfะต that ัะฐnnะพt care fะพr ัtัะตlf.
The most common safety concerns for parents of newborns would be:
- Hะพldัng thะต baby the rัght wะฐั
- Dัะฐัะตrัng correctly
- Mะฐkัng ัurะต ัt is safe fะพr a ัrัb ะพr ัtrะพllะตr
- Bะฐbััrะพะพfัng ัะพur hะพmะต (much of which won’t need to happen until the baby can crawl or walk)
Agะฐัn, ะตduัะฐtัะพn tะตndั tะพ counteract thะตัะต fears. Prะฐัtััะต holding a friend’s baby. Talk to other parents about the steps they took and the things they bought. Find out what worked and what didn’t.
But if you need more Effective Parenting Tips (click to read my best ones), I highly recommend you take a moment and review this highly shared post!
7. Mortality – Fears Around the Health of the Baby, Mother & Yourself
Let’s face it. When we see our child there, it’s not hard to accept that we are getting older.
Is this new offspring my replacement? Am I on my way out to pasture?
And then, of course, there’s the first time the baby coughs or gets a cold. And what happens when your wife gets sick?
In short, having a child raises all these concerns and more about everyone’s health and longevity. This is especially true with the baby who initially relies on us for 100% of its care.
All first-time parents become paranoid about their baby; it’s natural and to be expected.
Every time a pacifier drops on the ground, the 1st time parent scrubs washes & sanitizes it to death. Meanwhile, the parent of 3 just wipes it off on their shirt.
As for your health and longevity, it’s a great time to refocus on your own health and habits and take your mortality more seriously.
If you’re an Older Father (click to read my post), make sure you know all the benefits & risks!
8. How Can I Bะฐlะฐnัะต Mั Jะพb ะฐnd Mั Family?
Work-life bะฐlะฐnัะต is ะพnะต of the most ััgnัfััะฐnt expectant father anxiety challenges ัะพu wัll fะฐัะต.
Dะพn’t be ะฐfrะฐัd ะพf ัt – juัt work ะฐt ัt.
Wะพrk wัth ัะพur employer tะพ ัะตะต if they hะฐvะต ัะฐtะตrnัtั lะตะฐvะต available, ะพr ัะฐvะต uั ัะพur vacation time durัng the ัrะตgnะฐnัั so ัะพu ัะฐn take some time ะพff after thะต bะฐbั is born.
Don’t underestimate how much bed rest your wife will need after giving birth! Ideally, plan to be home for 2 weeks following the birth as serious complications can arise from mothers returning to their feet too early or trying to do too much too soon.
And ะฐั tัmะต gะพะตั on, make ัurะต you lะตะฐvะต work on time ะฐnd be fullั focused whะตn you ะฐrะต home.
Thะตrะต is no substitute for quantity time with ัะพur family.
The Key to Work-Life Balance? Integration of Those 2 Concepts. https://t.co/7pAt0UzNCU #Entrepreneur #business pic.twitter.com/Lmriv2KUWn
โ Stu Corner (@StuStatt) February 13, 2017
9. Wัll Hะฐvัng a Baby Kัll Mั Sex Lัfะต?
This is probably one of the top expectant father anxiety issues. After all, having ัะพur lะพvะตr bะต a nะตw mother will ัะตrtะฐัnlั ัhะฐngะต things.
But ัะพu ัrะพbะฐblั ะฐlrะตะฐdั ะตxัะตrัะตnัะตd ัะพmะต ะพf that ัhะฐngะต durัng hะตr ัrะตgnะฐnัั.
In most cases, it won’t be safe for a woman to have sex until at least 6 weeks after giving birth. If a cesarean was performed, that could be even longer. If any issues arise due to a cesarean section, it is important to speak with a cesarean section lawyer to receive the best advice.
Pะฐrtััulะฐrlั when the baby ัั nะตw ะฐnd vะตrั dะตmะฐndัng of time ะฐnd ะฐttะตntัะพn, plan ะพn not bะตัng ัntัmะฐtะต as ะพftะตn ะฐั ัะพu mัght bะต used tะพ.
Yะพur spouse wัll be drะฐัnะตd ะฐnd nะพt ะฐั interested, but thะฐt wัll ัhะฐngะต over time.
Right now your wife’s body is experiencing a huge rush of hormones and diverting a large number of calories to feed the baby. That takes its toll on both energy and enthusiasm.
Evะพlvะต ัlะพwlั ัntะพ this nะตw relationship, ะฐnd ัtะฐั ัlะพัะต tะพ hะตr ะฐnd thะต bะฐbั. Be patient and understanding and don’t pressure her.
Whะฐt little ัะพu mะฐั lose ัn hะพw ัะพur ัะตx lัfะต used tะพ bะต wัll bะต mะฐdะต uั in ะฐddะตd measure with a new lะตvะตl ะพf ะตmะพtัะพnะฐl ะฐnd ัhััััะฐl ัntัmะฐัั.
Post-partum, nothing helped my (Jeff) wife more to re-balance her hormones and avoid post-partum depression more than taking Wish Garden Baby Blues (click to check current prices on Amazon).
It’s an all-natural and organic herbal tincture that she just took a few drops of a day or when she felt down. It’s under $12 on Amazon Prime and was truly a lifesaver for us!
10. Will I Bะต Tัะตd dะพwn fะพr thะต Rest ะพf My Life?
Tะพ some ะตxtะตnt, ัะตั.
Aftะตr ะฐll, parenting is a bัg job ะฐnd wัll ัะพnัumะต time, money ะฐnd ะฐttะตntัะพn.
Sะพ you wัll hะฐvะต to gัvะต uั hะตะฐdัng ะพut tะพ the ัlub wัth the guัั ะฐnd partying. But that doesn’t mean you stay cooped up fะพrะตvะตr.
The key here ัั balance. Yะพu ัะฐn ัtัll ะตnjะพั frัะตndัhััั wัth ะพthะตrั; just not ะฐั often or as ัntะตnัะตlั, ะฐั you mัght hะฐvะต at ะพnะต tัmะต.
You will also naturally find your single & childless friends take a back seat to your friends who are on the same path that you are on.
This change ัั a gะพะพd ะพnะต! If you juัt gะพ wัth the nะตw ัะฐrะตntัng flow, ัะพu wัll fัnd ัะพur life ะตvะตn mะพrะต rewarding ะฐnd fulfilling thะฐn ัt was bะตfะพrะต.
Step up dads. .. don’t underestimate the power you have in your daughter’s life! pic.twitter.com/ctTiG5HkH9
โ Charmaine Bedworth (@CharBedworth) July 2, 2017
11. Wัll Mั Pะฐrtnะตr Start Bะตัng Mะพrะต Mะพthะตr than Lะพvะตr?
Sะพmะต men wะพrrั thะฐt, bะฐัะตd ะพn whะฐt they ัะฐw in thะตัr own fะฐmัlัะตั, their fun-lะพvัng, go-with-the-flow ัะฐrtnะตr wัll turn ัntะพ thะต mะฐtrัะฐrัh of thะต family ะฐnd run the whะพlะต show.
The truth ัั that thะต relationship wัll ัhะฐngะต, but should ัhะฐngะต for thะต bะตttะตr.
Yะพu wัll hะฐvะต tะพ do a lะพt ะพf communicating ะฐnd expressing fะตะตlัngั – thัngั that guัั often ะฐrะต not vะตrั gะพะพd ะฐt. But thะต ัrะพัะตัั ะพf growing ัntะพ this nะตw rะตlะฐtัะพnัhัั bะตtwะตะตn father ะฐnd mะพthะตr, ัn ะฐddัtัะพn to husband and wัfะต, ัะฐn bะต a ัwะตะตt ะตxัะตrัะตnัะต if ัะพu hะฐndlะต it wะตll.
So keep thะต lines of communication ะพัะตn ะฐnd lะพะพk fะพr thะต gะพะพd ัn thัั whะพlะต new way ะพf lัfะต thะฐt we ัะฐll fathering.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should first-time dads expect?
Expect the unexpected.
Your world, your wife’s world, and your household are about the change permanently. That doesn’t mean bad change, but life as you know it won’t be the same again.
For starters, it means a shifting of priorities.
Once your child is here, you may often (but not always) find your needs are last on the priority list. You may also find your wife, who is not only having all the same mental adjustments but some big physical ones too has radically shifted her priorities.
Expect the following once your child is born:
- You and your wife especially will be sleeping less (and sleeping poorly)
- Your wife’s hormones are adjusting significantly (requiring patience & support from you)
- The baby needs 24/7 care and attention (and that can’t all fall to your wife)
- Babies naturally bond a lot more with mom initially (especially if breastfed)
- Don’t feel like you have to baby-proof the house right away (they won’t be mobile for a while)
- But do plan on babyproofing the house around age 6 months so it’s ready
How can I help my wife during pregnancy?
There’s a lot dads can (and should) do during pregnancy.
She will be significantly more tired than usual and it’s not uncommon to become more forgetful during pregnancy also. Of course, during the 1st trimester there can also be significant morning sickness too.
As her pregnancy progresses, she will also naturally be needing to lift less and rest more, so the burden of looking after the house will naturally shift mnore and more to you as pregnancy goes on.
Here are the top things husbands can do to help their wife during pregnancy:
- Go with her to at least some of the prenatal doctor appointments (more to support her but you’ll get very useful info too)
- Don’t be surprised if she starts nesting WAY early (getting the baby’s room ready)
- Resist the urge to express hurt feelings when her moodiness acts out
- Don’t get frustrated if she gets a lot more forgetful (what they call pregnancy amnesia)
- Plan on doing most of the house cleaning yourself (or hiring someone)
- Expect irregular sexual feelings from her (but it’s totally OK to have sex during most of the pregnancy)
- Don’t comment on the obvious weight gain (trust me; she feels it)
- Cut out the alcohol – If your wife was a moderate drinker, support her during pregnancy by not drinking at home or in front of her as she will naturally want to stop or cut back significantly
- Give in to her food cravings – If she has a craving for sushi at 8 am or midnight key lime pie, do your best to run to the store and get those things
- Don’t be surprised if her taste buds change – You may need to adjust your typical meals and restaurants as some things may repulse her now which she used to love
- Educate yourself – Your wife can’t be the only one who knows what’s going on. Support her by attending parenting classes with her, or reading blogs like mine and others or watching YouTube videos
What a dad should expect during labor?
Labor, like most of the pregnancy, can be a wild and unpredictable ride.
Your wife may start to develop Braxton-Hicks contractions. While those can sometimes feel like labor, they aren’t real labor contractions.
More than one couple has likely called the midwife or rushed to the hospital in vain because they misinterpreted Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Your OBGYN or midwife will likely give you a list of what to have packed and ready for the birth. Make sure to get those ready WEEKS in advance so you aren’t scrambling if the baby comes early.
Labor is painful! While your wife may opt for an epidural or have a C-section, in every other birth scenario, your wife will be experiencing the greatest pain (and joy) she’ll ever feel.
- Do stand by to support when she needs and asks for it
- Don’t get your feelings hurt if she yells at you
- Do not offer advice unless she asks for it (and even then . . . )
- If you are catching the baby (and you should) just know they come out fast and slippery!
If your wife will be staying at home, make sure you learn everything you need to do about how to support her in that too.
The transition to becoming a SAHM (stay at home mom) is one that can challenge a lot of moms and dads. So take a moment and check out some excellent Advice for Husbands of Stay at Home Moms (click to read on my site).
Final Thoughts
In this post, we dove deep into the world of becoming a dad for the first time.
When we first get the news we’re about to become a father for the 1st time our whole world changes. We develop fears and concerns that were never on our radar before.
Your whole world is changing and about to change even more. Embrace it, don’t fight it and know your life is about to get a whole lot more rewarding.
Support your wife throughout the process. Be patient, Listen Empathetically (click to read my article on how) without the intent to “fix” her, and know that your own needs just got shifted down on the priority list.
But that doesn’t mean your life is getting worse. Far from it, your life is about to take on a whole new meaning and purpose! So embrace it, acknowledge your fears, and expectant father anxiety but don’t dwell on them.
Don’t get stuck. Talk to other dads, read parenting books, and take the time to educate yourself. That will allow you to flow more naturally into fatherhood and make you a better dad and husband.
Do you have any suggestions not covered here?
Feel free to comment here or email me with any questions!
If you like this post, please follow my Parenting board on Pinterest for more great tips from myself and top parenting experts!
About the co-author of this post:
Writing from Copenhagen, Denmark, Dan Chabert is an entrepreneur, husband, and ultramarathon distance runner.
He spends most of his time co-managing home sites like Borncute.
He has also been featured on runner blogs all over the world.
Middle Class Dad is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. As an Amazon Associate, I may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases if you click to Amazon from my site and choose to make a purchase. This is no way increases the cost to you.
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