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Why Does My Wife Always Want To Fight?

By: Author Jeff Campbell

Posted on Last updated:

Categories Improve Your Relationship

When you first meet your partner, everything seems so perfect. They’re perfect. In the beginning, the dream feels possible. But compromises need to be made. Misunderstandings arise. A lot of men end up wondering why does my wife always want to fight?

If your wife always wants to fight, that’s a sign of deep frustration and unhappiness. She may not feel she has a voice in the relationship or isn’t getting enough attention, so she seeks negative attention as it’s better than none.

But that’s just a quick answer.

In reality, the answers can be a lot more complex, and different underlying issues need different solutions.

But, there’s a silver lining to all this. The good news is, with effort, you can learn something better than chasing the dream. You can learn how to argue well.

And as you’ll learn below, sometimes a respectful, rational argument is exactly what’s needed to improve your relationship.

Why does my partner always argue?

If your partner always wants to argue, it’s a sign of deep unhappiness and that their needs aren’t being met. Even relatively small issues like who does which chores or how you spend your free time can slowly spiral into something more if not addressed.

Let’s do a little experiment. Think about some of these reasons below and try to align them all with your partner’s expectations.

Some of the reasons long term couples fight are:

  • Money
  • Children
  • Habits
  • Communication
  • Housework
  • Responsibilities outside the relationship
  • Time management
  • Intimacy
  • Effort spent towards the relationship
  • Free time
  • Family

Have you ever been in a long term relationship and NOT argued about some of these topics? Keep in mind that this is only a fraction of all the things that could cause a fight.

The point here is that expecting a partner who doesn’t argue is unrealistic. Figuring out how to get all these parts of life in sync with your partner takes a lot of time, communication, and effort.

So, if you’re serious about maintaining a long term relationship, arguments are a guaranteed part of it. I use the word “argument” here with a particular intention. There is a line between healthy, productive arguments and a fight.

What is the difference between a healthy argument and a fight?

A healthy argument is where one or both partners talk about an issue and how they feel about it. An unhealthy argument involves name-calling, belittling, and trying to win or punish the other partner for how they made you feel.

Try thinking about the two like this:

An argument is a level-headed, mutually beneficial discussion.

An argument leads to a deeper understanding of each other. It should eventually end at a compromise or a promise of a change. Both people would agree this change is positive.

A fight is an argument that has spiraled out of control.

A fight is not productive. It’s the result of poor communication skills, no interest in understanding, little to no effort, defensiveness, or a lack of empathy towards your partner.

A fight may even devolve into verbal abuse or emotional trauma that can hurt your relationship irreparably.

If your wife always fights in this way, it could be a sign of something bigger than the actual issue at hand. But it’s still not too late! Check out my recent article here for some ways to rekindle your marriage.

Or, read on for some strategies to steer a fight into a healthy argument.

What do you do when your spouse keeps fighting?

When your spouse keeps fighting, they aren’t feeling heard. In this case, it’s best to practice active listening as opposed to just waiting your turn to argue back. When they stop, repeat back what they said to validate their feelings and confirm you understand.

It takes two people to escalate an argument into a fight. First, let’s focus on what you can do.

As you can see, approaching disagreements like a fight doesn’t help anyone. The first thing you can do to diffuse a conflict from ever happening is to change your mindset.

When we sense an argument beginning, it’s easy to raise our guard, get ready for battle, and react defensively. It’s important to take a breath in this critical moment and change your approach.

Try to remember these points:

  1. This isn’t a fight. It’s an argument
  2. An argument is the beginning of a deeper understanding
  3. This is a natural part of any relationship
  4. This isn’t them vs. you
  5. This is you both vs. the problem
  6. Your partner doesn’t want to fight either
  7. They argue because they care
  8. They want the best for your relationship

Keeping these in mind makes it easier to stay calm and lead the argument in a positive way.

It’s too easy to feel attacked during a heavy talk with your partner. So, it’s vital to remember the final point above. Regardless of how uncomfortable an argument may be, remember that a good partner never intends to harm you.

Ideally, a good partner’s intent should be one of the following:

  • Share something that’s bothering them
  • Figure out something they don’t understand
  • Seek to improve the quality of your relationship.

What you say and do in an argument should reflect those same ideals

When you’re asked a question about some behavior or habit, don’t jump into defensiveness. Instead, realize that your partner might be simply trying to understand something you do.

Just explain yourself truthfully and help them understand. Ask questions that help you understand their concerns too. Do so without malice, but with the intent to ease their worries. And they should respond in kind.

Above all, try to reach this mutual understanding rather than quickly jumping to a “fix.” This can make your partner think you’d rather not be bothered to listen and just want to end communication.

Keep in mind that not all of this responsibility lies on you. It takes two people to argue. If your partner isn’t approaching the issue productively and brings the talk closer to a fight, call them out on it.

Remind them that you’re in this together, trying to solve the problem as a team.

Is it normal for couples to fight a lot?

Yes, it is normal for some couples to fight a lot. But how often they fight doesn’t have much impact on whether they stay together. Ultimately it’s whether the couples argue respectfully and effectively that determines the longevity of the relationship.

We all know that arguments are inevitable in a relationship. But here’s something that may surprise you:

The frequency of how often couples fight doesn’t matter at all.

What matters is the quality and approach of these arguments. If you and your partner stick to seeking understanding and moving towards a solution, fighting can actually improve relationships.

An argument is a sign that your partner is willing to keep trying. It’s a sign that they still care.

Ignoring issues and letting them build into resentment or apathy is what you should fear most. So, there’s no clear, data-backed answer here. It just depends.

Some couples may have a small disagreement every day. Others may have a long talk once per week. Others still may only argue when the need arises.

As long as the arguments are respectful, healthy, and productive, there may be no problem at all.

Learn more about arguing in marriage and seeing why HOW you fight is most important in this recent article on my site.

But, if your arguments constantly spiral into a full-blown fight, your relationship may be toxic. And it’s important to know when your partner’s intentions start to cross over into this negative territory.

What is a toxic relationship?

Simply defined, a toxic relationship is one where your partner has stopped seeking understanding or working towards solutions. They actively try to harm you, marginalize your feelings, or manipulate you.

But that’s just a quick snapshot. Ultimately, toxic relationships can take more than 1 form, and some are easier to spot than others. So let’s dig a little deeper.

Some signs of a toxic relationship:

  • Using every argument as an excuse to belittle or insult you
  • Gaslighting
  • Ignoring your feelings
  • Actively trying to upset you

If your partner starts trying any of these, it’s time to draw a hard line in the sand.

Take the high road. Instead of retaliating, hard stop the conversation with a statement like, “This isn’t helping because [explain their behavior.] I won’t talk to you if you continue to treat me this way.”

Do this ONLY IF they’re hurting you on purpose, not as an excuse to stop because you don’t want to argue anymore.

Sometimes, it’s merely a case of feelings getting in the way of your partner’s judgment. In this situation, it’s best to cool down and try again when you’re both calmer.

But if this is a consistent pattern, it might be time to get some extra help with counseling. It might even be a sign of some deeper problems that need addressing.

Learn more in this recent article about when your wife may be thinking of leaving you. Just click that link to read it on my site.

Do couples who fight stay together?

Yes, couples who fight can and do stay together. All couples fight. It is an entirely normal and inevitable part of being in a relationship. But, HOW you argue and solve problems together is what matters more than the frequency of fights.

I’ll type it once again since it’s that damn important: how you fight is what’s most important.

Arguing is the first way you can understand your partner more deeply, work towards solving problems, and ultimately improve your relationship.

Then it’s not surprising to conclude that not only is it totally okay to fight in a relationship, couples who argue well stay together longer than couples who never do.

So be sure to check in with your spouse from time to time. Take the initiative, and don’t be afraid of hard talks. This is just one of the many ways you can learn to restore your marriage and fall in love again in my recent article.

Just click that link to read it on my site.

Takeaway:

Remember to keep your mindset positive and focused on solutions by following the ideals laid out above.

Trust that your partner wants the best for you and for both of you to be happy. Because they do! Always look at your partner in the best possible light. Expect and know that they’re trying to love you better.

Don’t be afraid of arguments, and give them your best efforts at reaching an understanding. Do all of these things, and you’re in for a long, happy (and argument filled) life together.

Jeff Campbell
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