Relationships

How to be Less Clingy in a Relationship

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Middle Class Dad clingy guy couple on train tracks guy is holding flowers behind his back

Middle Class Dad clingy guy couple on train tracks guy is holding flowers behind his back

Being in a relationship that is smothering and clingy, we feel like our spouse is watching our every move. To avoid that, I decided to look into how to be less clingy in a relationship.

Here’s what I learned:

A clingy spouse is an insecure spouse. Often those insecurities are rooted in childhood issues and not because of their spouse. To be less clingy, work on the root issue, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt for so-called suspicious behavior and work on trusting more. 

But there’s a lot more that goes into making a relationship successful when one partner is clingy and needy and the other is aloof or distant.

 In reality, while some spouses are super jealous or control freaks, most are just scared and insecure.

So in this post, we’re diving deep into the world of needy guys like me and how aloof and distant women like my wife come together to make a relationship not only survive, but thrive!

I admit it. I’m a clingy guy

As a clingy guy, I’m not the atypical guy who chugs beer and watches football with his buddies.

I don’t leave my dirty laundry all over the place. And I don’t forget to help around the house. OK, I’m stereotyping here, but there are guys like that out there and I’m not one of them. But I’m also not overly-needy or high maintenance either. But clingy guy probably does describe me to a degree.

There’s a lot of posts out there about needy women and there’s a lot of posts out there about women dumping clingy guys who were just short of stalkers.

But I haven’t yet found a post that matches my situation.

After all, I’m not a psycho who doesn’t let my wife out of his sight. And while I enjoy her company and like to feel her touch, I don’t need to be around her 24/7.

I just like to feel connected to her; to feel that I matter to her and that I’m #1 in her life (or at least #4 behind our kids).

And it’s not even that I think she doesn’t feel that way, but she and I communicate and show those things very differently.

After all, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, right?

Is it bad to be clingy in a relationship?

I’m a little sensitive, a little needy, a clingy guy.

I occasionally send my wife a text telling her I love her. Or maybe I post that on Facebook. If she doesn’t respond at some point during that day (especially if I see she’s “liking” other posts), my feelings can sometimes get hurt.

Now, I’m not posting or texting constantly lest you think I’m smothering. I’m talking a couple times a week maybe. But it’s nice to know you’re being thought about every now and then.


What is a distant girlfriend or wife?

My wife, on the other hand, is a hard nut to crack. She likes being alone. And she likes calling her own shots without being accountable to anyone else.

She posted an article not too long ago that really sums her up (briefly, but succinctly). That blog post was about What It Means To Love A Girl Who Is Used To Being On Her Own and it was a good refresher for me.

Having been married over 10 years, it wasn’t an eye opener or anything. But it’s nice to be reminded that there isn’t anything actually wrong in the marriage. That just because I don’t always see her telling or showing me that she loves me, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t.

You see while my wife isn’t exactly how I describe the atypical guy above, she does have some of those so-called masculine traits whereas I have some more so-called feminine traits.

I’m the kind of guy who likes to cuddle in bed or on the couch while watching TV.

I like to feel wanted and needed and to hold hands. I’d like to get the occasional text from her throughout our busy workdays.

And she? Well, she doesn’t really like those things. At least not as much as I do or as consistently as I like them.

I won’t lie. Sometimes that leaves me feeling like a lonely, clingy guy.

How do I stop being needy in a relationship?

First, it’s important to recognize that being needy is just my own insecurity and not really tied to how she genuinely feels.

So you might be asking yourself “why am I with this woman if she’s aloof and distant, which can make me needier?”

I asked my wife to tell me some of the ways she shows me love and fosters connection since we obviously show those things differently.

She mentioned:

    • When she goes grocery shopping she always buys special foodie snacks just for me
    • She encourages me to spend time with friends
    • Encouraging me to follow my own dreams and passions
    • Doing little things around the house so that I don’t have to

And I have to admit that she does do a lot of those things.

Although except for #1 they aren’t things that draw us together. But they are ways of showing she cares and making sure I feel supported.

So learning to understand different love languages is a great way to getting past being needy.

What does it mean to be a clingy guy in a relationship?

Middle Class Dad clingy guy young guy in a white button up shirt checing his phone in an office building

I’m probably guilty of being an over-communicator.

I like to talk about my feelings until I feel like they are resolved. I get that sometimes that might come off as repetitive or annoying. Because if I don’t think my point is being grasped, I’ll re-phrase it and say it again.

Does that make me a clingy guy?

Ironically in the early days of our marriage, I was much quieter and didn’t always open up. And that was a source of frustration for my wife. Now she’s probably sorry she ever asked me to communicate my feelings more, lol!

My wife, on the other hand, is more (going back to stereotypes) the “strong silent type”. She mostly keeps to herself and is often deep in thought in her own head. And she’s sometimes guilty of not communicating an issue until it’s at the boiling point.

For a clingy guy like me, if I’m not privy to your thought playbook, my mind sometimes tends to fill in the blanks where it thinks your words should go. When that happens you can bet I get a lot of stuff wrong.

But then, as I sometimes find myself saying, I’m not a mind-reader.

How do you deal with a clingy guy?

My wife has gone to great lengths to adapt to my personality.

She really tries to give me some of what I need. She communicates now more than. That way I’m not left to wonder what she’s thinking or why she’s suddenly gone quiet.

Going back to the post I linked at the top, her walls are “the encompassing shell of a place she made, a life she built, a world that belongs to nobody but her. And while it protects her, maintains her, and keeps her safe, it’s also simply, just what she knows.”

But walls also keep people out, and sometimes I feel like a needy guy outsider.

If you struggle with taking your relationship beyond average, I highly recommend my post about how to Make Your Relationship Grow.  I detail some very simple steps you can take to ensure your relationship both improves and lasts!

In talking about my being a clingy guy, I explained to her that I often feel either 100% connection (usually on the weekends) or none at all (typically during the week).

My wife went on to say that she felt I wanted a consistent level of attention all week long. But that the weekend was the only time where she didn’t have the stresses of work and school.

She also mentioned that “she doesn’t need that constant connection (the way I do) because (she) knows it’s there without having to express it”.  I, on the other hand, do like feeling a connection, and while I know it’s there, it’s nice to feel it occasionally too. Does that make me needy?

I too have gone to great lengths to give her what she needs. I’m more patient, more flexible. I try to be understanding that she doesn’t show affection the same way I do.

I’ll give her time alone when she asks for it and the occasional sleeping in while I get the girls ready for school. I also try and do a lot around the house so that she doesn’t have to worry about much; she works hard! In short, I try to be less needy!

While I used to get upset at what I was perceiving as aloof or distant behavior, I’ve now come to (mostly) be accepting of it.

I still like to check in when I see that behavior just to ensure there isn’t anything else going on, but, (in my best Yoda voice) accept it, I do.

The origins of my being a clingy guy

At the end of the day, both our points of view are based in part on fear; insecurity and self-esteem issues.

Yes, my being a clingy guy and her being guarded all come from the same sources.

Many of us have insecurity issues and I know I have mine. I know I have an innate fear of people leaving, and sometimes in my past, that has led me to preemptive strikes where I left first to in order to avoid being left.

My folks split up when I was 6 months old. By the time I was 2 my Mom had remarried. We moved well over 1000 miles away from my dad. I rarely saw him for the next 8 years. My most popular post remains my story about my Dad and my Growing Up with a Gay Father.

Following that, my Mom and Step-Dad then split up as I approached 11.

Again, we moved well over 1000 miles away from the person I then called Dad. Just a few short years later he passed away. I’ve blogged extensively about my Step-Dad as well in a well-received post called Growing Up with an Alcoholic Father.

In short, I’m afraid of being abandoned, and this fear, however irrational, can drive my insecurities in my relationship.

This guy’s advice, however, is spot on for a guy like me!

The origins of my wife’s insecurities

My wife too has many of those same issues with insecurity. But out of respect for her privacy, I’m not going to get into specifics.

I will, however, say I know over the course of our relationship that I have occasionally done things to damage trust. I know I’ve made her insecurities far worse. And she has occasionally done things to damage trust and make my insecurities worse.

Yes, in my quest to draw closer and forge a deeper connection, I have also simultaneously forced her away, and she, me.

That’s a pain we simply have to live with.

But I think recognizing and admitting it is half the battle. And it’s also a fair statement to say that while my issues have made me a little needy, her issues have built walls around her to protect her.

So it’s interesting that fear, insecurity, abandonment & trust issues can manifest themselves so differently. But they do.

If you find some of those troublesome qualities creep into your relationship, you need to figure out which stage your relationship is at. 

My post about the 7 Relationship Stages and how to take yours to the next level is a great guide for both helping you identify where you’re at, and help you map out where to take it.

How Does a Clingy Guy Love an Independent Woman?

We renewed our wedding vows in 2013. One of the cornerstones of our spoken parts was a humorous if not inaccurate comparison of us to Star Trek’s Captain Kirk and 1st Officer Spock.

Now in that scenario, I am Spock and my wife Kirk. So it’s funny that the picture I’m painting here is one of me as the erratic emotional clingy guy and her as the stoic silent one.

That being said, as I re-read those vows, crafted by our friend Jennifer Bertrand (who also officiated the ceremony) in the context of this post, I totally get it (aside from questioning why Jen called Spock “doctor”).

Those words included this part which I think is especially relevant to how I’m currently feeling:

“Is it possible for Dr. Spock and Captain Kirk to have a harmonious union?

Yes, but first they have to acknowledge and celebrate their differences,
learn to speak each other’s languages and be open to the unique point of view each of them holds.

Captain Kirk must always remember that Dr. Spock is only half human and
Dr. Spock must understand the Captain Kirk’s heart is always in the right place.”

clingy-guy-kirk-and-spock-middle-class-dad

How do I stop being clingy and jealous?

I was listening to an interview the other day with renowned marriage expert John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

If anyone knows anything about marriage in this world, it’s certainly John Gottman. I also wholeheartedly recommend his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

In this interview, among many things he said was (and I paraphrase) that it’s a common misconception that in order to make a marriage work you have to lower your expectations.

He went on to say that it works much better to have high expectations as long as that’s matched with realistic views.


So how do I get my needs met while not forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do?

That’s a great question. Of course for me as a “clingy guy” to truly feel fulfilled, the actions from her would have to be genuine. They can’t feel like something that was forced or simply done to placate me.

And in the same breath, I have to truly accept that she isn’t going to be as affectionate and communicative as I might want her to be. I need to work on accepting that graciously rather than simply sulking about it.

In short, I need to be less of a clingy guy.

The first step is simply acknowledging that I have my needs and she has hers and they won’t always intersect.

And that’s OK. I have to learn to be OK when she doesn’t reach out to me. I’ll appreciate it when she does, & understand and accept that when she doesn’t.

I need to grasp that it doesn’t mean she’s going anywhere. On the flip side, she also has to recognize that a marriage is like a garden. It has to be nurtured and watered and cared for. It doesn’t simply exist and thrive left alone – it needs love and care.

Granted as she just pointed out “you do know I kill plants, don’t you?”

If your relationship is struggling or in trouble, now is the time for action. Don’t just sit back and wait to see if things get better; you have to drive that change.

My post about the top Reasons for Divorce is well worth reading. Perfect for anyone whose relationship is struggling or for those who want to keep things moving in the right direction.

HOW TO BE LESS CLINGY AND NEEDY

1. Give the benefit of the doubt

  • Don’t assume anything
  • Don’t read into to things or make negative assumptions

2. Understand that your spouse isn’t going anywhere (unless you push them away)

  • This one is admittedly a challenge for me as some of the most important people in my early life did indeed go away. But I get it; she’s here and has been here 13+ years. If she were leaving it would have already happened
  • But it’s also important to recognize that insecurities can potentially be one of the biggest strains on a relationship if left unchecked

3. Don’t read into her behavior or silence

  • Go off of what is being said rather than reading into silence, body language or changes in behavior

4. Giving them space when they need it

  • We all need space, time to ourselves and time with our friends where we aren’t a parent or a spouse and we’re just “us”
  • Don’t make any assumptions about the request
  • Don’t assume that time alone means they don’t want to be with us

5. Don’t punish your spouse for your insecurities

  • No doubt some of us have insecurities that are hard for our significant others to deal with. Granted all of us have some challenging behaviors
  • Ask straightforward questions rather than leading questions or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior
  • Our insecurities should not be “punishing” our spouse simply because they communicate differently than we do

and the flip side . . .

HOW TO HELP AN INSECURE SPOUSE

1. Recognizing that we have different needs 

  • There has to be balanced in anything we do, so it can’t all be about one, but it also can’t be all about the other; couples have to meet in the middle
  • A great marriage sometimes means putting the other’s needs before our own
  • It’s OK for things to ebb and flow and while couples don’t need to keep score, it is important that we recognize and take ownership of when we’re not giving each other what we need

2. It’s about the quality of the connection

  • It’s not about the quantity of connection but the quality
  • Sometimes one spouse gets it in their head that the other wants something from them that is time-consuming or draining when really all they need each day could be boiled down to just a minute or two.
  • Sometimes it’s just something simple like putting the phone down and talking with us and being fully present for 5 minutes

3. Communicating your needs 

  • Don’t assume your spouse knows or doesn’t need to know
  • If you are upset or down, communicate your feelings so your spouse doesn’t assume they did something wrong

4. Understanding that you both have triggers 

  • Triggers usually have nothing to do with one another or your current disagreement
  • Both of you have pasts and things in the past undoubtedly affect how you both respond to situations and to each other, even if completely unrelated. While we can’t always catch those triggers before they occur we can strive to recognize them for what they are and acknowledge that they might be amplifying the current situation
  • You also have both done things in your relationship that did damage to it and even if those behaviors aren’t present today, sometimes we do feel those triggers too, so it’s important to not make assumptions of one another based on past behavior that isn’t currently relevant

5. Take time for the little things

  • Sometimes a 2 second “I love you is worth more than hours of conversation
  • A quick text a few times throughout a week is usually all needy guys need to feel connected (but is just one of many quick ways)

Are you a clingy guy or woman?

In this post, we took a look at how some relationships struggle with jealousy, insecurity, and clinginess.

Specifically, I talked about some of my struggles as a needy guy and how my wife, who is naturally aloof and distant, and I make our relationship work.

Are you a needy spouse or a distant one?

Photo credits (that aren’t mine):

Lonely Dog – https://www.flickr.com/photos/ruocaled/
Kirk and Spock – https://www.flickr.com/photos/enerva/
Yoda Statuehttps://bit.ly/1TDVDGm

Gottman’s Four Horsemen & How They Can Lead You to Divorce

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Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad 4 horsemen riding through the trees

My wife and I used to name call, yell, use profanity, and constantly criticize one another. Dr. John Gottman, the world’s leading marriage expert, calls refers to that behavior as Gottman’s Four Horsemen.

Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen refer to the 4 worst things couples can do to one another which can lead to divorce. Those 4 horsemen are: Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Dr. Gottman has studied tens of thousands of couples for 40+ years and can predict divorce with 94% accuracy.

Since Dr. Gottman knows from his extensive study that these behaviors lead to divorce over 90% of the time, we knew we had to change.

Going back a decade, my wife and I did all of those things to the point where we drank too much, were miserable and I had an affair. But we found a better way.

So in this post, we’re examining each of the four horsemen, exactly why and how they are damaging, and what to do if you see one or more of them in your relationship.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad 4 horsemen riding through the trees

What are the four horsemen in marriage?

Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen are simply what he describes as the 4 worst behaviors couples can do to one another.

He finds there to be no greater predictor of divorce or breakup than when couples resort to some or all of these 4 behavior and communication styles.

Let’s examine each one.

CRITICISM –

It’s OK to disagree with your spouse.

But not agreeing is different than actively criticizing them or their behavior.  This kind of negative, absolute criticism becomes personal.  You’re no longer disagreeing with a choice they made, you’re belittling them as a person.

An example would be when your partner has to work late and didn’t let you know.  The criticizing way to handle it would be to say:

“Where the hell were you?  You never bother to call us when you’re going to be late.  You’re so selfish; you don’t care about us at all!”

The right way to handle it would be to say “I wasn’t sure what had happened and we waited on you for dinner.

I thought we had agreed we would let each other know if we weren’t coming home on time?”.  This addresses the issue and how it impacted you but you aren’t criticizing them personally for their being insensitive.

In this example, you can easily see why criticism can so easily escalate the argument and over time could destroy the relationship.

I’m also guessing everyone reading this has behaved the negative way at least once in their life and understands the damage that can be done.

Questions are almost always better than statements.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad a man and a woman touching foreheads yelling at each other

CONTEMPT –

Contempt takes criticism further to where we actively mock, belittle or show genuine ugliness towards our partner.

When we show contempt for another we are saying (directly or indirectly) that we don’t value them as a person.  That they don’t mean anything to us.

An example of this would be how the late spouse in the above story might respond to the critical reception they received when they got home.

“Well some of us have to work all day and don’t just get to sit around getting fat and watching TV all day.  Some of us are busy doing important things for this family, but you wouldn’t know or care about stuff like that, would you, you lazy $%FD#@&!”

Again, it’s easy to see why this is a terrible way to treat anyone, especially someone you claim to love.  But it’s also easy to see how communication can escalate in the heat of the moment when we fall into Gottman’s four horsemen.

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad woman with boxing gloves on punching a guy in a hat

DEFENSIVENESS –

Being defensive is something that happens to all of us.

Sometimes we get defensive when we are genuinely accused unfairly.  More often, however, it’s something we fall into when we didn’t do something we were supposed to and we feel guilty.  We make excuses.  Or we shift the blame onto someone else.

The worst is when we take responsibility at first but then we add that dreaded word “but”.

“I was going to call and let you know I was going to be late, but you never bother to pick up the phone when I call anyway”.

In this example, the partner owns it at first but then shifts the blame onto the other spouse even though it’s completely unfair.

When we don’t truly own our mistakes:

a. We don’t learn from our mistakes
b. Our spouse will think less of us since they know we messed up

The right way for the late spouse to respond, even if met with criticism initially would be:

“I’m so sorry honey.  You have every right to be mad.  I know I sometimes make a habit of not calling and it’s very disrespectful to you to leave you wondering.  I’m going to make a concerted effort to be more sensitive to how my actions affect you moving forward.  I promise”

Even if the other spouse was critical, to begin with, a response like that can totally diffuse the situation.  The key then is simply to stick by the promise.

If you do this 3 times a week and respond like that, after a while it will be meaningless.  It will be obvious you’re just paying lip service to your partner.

Own your mistakes 100%!

STONEWALLING –

Stonewalling, the last of Gottman’s four horsemen is when one partner simply refuses to take part in the argument.

They shut down and don’t participate in the conversation.  The classic “silent treatment (click to read my detailed post on this)“.

Now if the conversation started off with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness they may need some time to calm down.

But true stonewalling has no place in a healthy relationship. 

Pretending the issue isn’t there, making up excuses why now isn’t a good time to talk or physically leaving don’t help resolve the issue.  And make no mistake, issues don’t just heal themselves.

Both parties have to take an active role in fixing them.

If you need a moment in the heat of the argument, ask for a moment.  But understand that it is temporary and that actively participating will be necessary.  Not stonewalling also helps your partner recognize that you value them and value finding a solution to the disagreement.

What are the predictors of divorce?

Gottman acknowledges that couples will disagree.

But in his over 40 years of studying literally thousands of couples of all races, ages, socio-economic factors as well as looking at same-sex couples, he has found some undeniable characteristics of the things that couples sometimes do which destroy the relationship.

In the heat of battle, do you resort to any of the following?

  1. Name-calling
  2. Profanity
  3. Insults
  4. Belittling or critical behavior
  5. Saying mean things just to get a rise out of your partner

If you answered yes to 1 or more of those, they could definitely be a sign your marriage is headed for divorce. The good news is, by reading this article, you understand that something needs to change.

Gottman’s four horsemen are, of course, named after the Biblical story of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in terms of how devastating the behaviors can be.

A cornerstone of health communication between spouses (or really anyone), is listening. If you struggle with really Listening with Empathy (click to read on my site), as I did, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out my highly shared post on that subject.

Trust me; waiting your turn to talk is NOT really listening.

What is the Gottman Method?

Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, have been doing in-depth studies of couples for over 40 years.

Literally, no one has done more clinical research on relationships & divorce than the Gottmans.  If there is 1 marriage and relationship expert you should follow it should be Dr. John Gottman.

Between the two of them, the Gottmans have won countless awards and Dr. John Gottman was also named “Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past 25 years” by the Psychotherapy Networker.

The Gottman Method is a unique way of doing couples counseling that includes a complete assessment of the couple’s relationship. It also uses something called the Sound Relationship House Theory.

The Sound Relationship House Theory is simply a way of using building blocks to rebuild the marriage in a healthy way and includes the following steps:

  • Build Love Maps (to increase your awareness of each other)
  • Share Fondness and Admiration (focus on appreciation instead of expectation)
  • Turn Towards Instead of Away (don’t run away when it gets hard)
  • The Positive Perspective (be your spouse’s best friend)
  • Manage Conflict
    • Accept influence from your partner: really listen to them!
    • Discuss your problems: talk about struggles, challenges, and feelings
    • Practice self-soothing: stay calm during hard discussions
  • Make Life Dreams Come True (create shared goals and dreams and support each other in getting there)
  • Create Shared Meaning (have a defined sense of purpose for your life, both individually and together)

Many counselors have gone through Dr. Gottman’s training programs and workshops, so look for the Gottman name to be mentioned on therapist’s websites and in their offices to be certain they practice the Gottman Method.

Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (click HERE to read my review) may literally have saved my marriage.

I know without a doubt that if you and/or your spouse struggle with any of Gottman’s four horsemen, this book can save your relationship too.

You just have to acknowledge the problem and be willing to work on it. 

Why you must avoid Gottman’s four horsemen in your relationship at all costs!

Gottman's Four Horsemen Middle Class Dad artsy picture of a guy hanging his head in depression with colorful swirls around him

All couples argue.  Every couple has fights and disagreements.

If you are looking for that magic relationship with no tension whatsoever you’ll either never find it or you’ll also find it devoid of passion.

The trick is to avoid Gottman’s four horsemen when communicating with one another.  A healthy relationship understands there will be differences of opinion.  But with understanding, also comes respect.

I know my wife does things differently.

While I do the majority of the grocery shopping in our house she occasionally does it with me or alone.  She goes in armed primarily with gut instinct.  I, on the other hand, scour the house to see what we need and write a detailed list broken down by the department.

Personally, I like my style better and I feel like I come away spending less because I don’t occasionally buy things we have plenty of and I don’t get much that’s not on my list.

Now if every time she went shopping I was critical of her method.  If I called her names or made her feel inferior or dumb I would be showing both criticisms as well as contempt for her.

I would be showing her a complete lack of respect and belittling her as a person.  Those are all horrible things to do to someone you love and repeatedly over time can easily replace her love for me with hate.

Now I’m not here to claim to be a superior being.  In the early years of our marriage, both my wife and I were guilty of all of Gottman’s four horsemen.

Even today, while we rarely show criticism or contempt, we do sometimes struggle with defensiveness or stonewalling.  It’s a work in progress.

But if we are aware both of our behavior as well as the potential damage we are causing, that’s half the battle.

No matter what you struggle with; drugs, alcohol, or other addictions, being aware and admitting you have a problem is halfway to fixing the issue.

Are the four horsemen of divorce headed your way?

Gottman’s four horsemen have led Dr. Gottman to be able to achieve an almost 94% accuracy in determining couples who will later divorce.

He has completed 7 studies over his 40 years of research looking at couples at the beginning, middle and in some cases end of their relationships.  If you want to avoid divorce, learning how to remove Gottman’s four horsemen from your relationship is crucial!

Check out Dr. Gottman interviewed on the Anderson Cooper show where they show detailed examples of Gottman’s four horsemen as well as how it can predict divorce.

If you feel like your relationship is headed for a split or your marriage headed for divorce, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out one of my most viewed articles about the Top Reasons for Divorce (click to read my article) (and How You Can Avoid Them).

I break down the big reasons couples split up and dissect easy, actionable steps you can take to correct those issues.

The crucial steps you must take to save your marriage!

First and foremost we need to remove absolutes when speaking to one another.

Avoid using words and phrases like “You always” or “you never”.  No one always or never does anything 100% of the time.

Another step to take is simply to apply the golden rule to every conversation you have.  Speak and treat everyone the way you want to be spoken to and treated.

That sounds simple but it works every time.

We can’t control anyone else’s actions but you can ALWAYS control your actions and reactions.  It just takes effort, awareness, and focus.  But if you value your relationship, then identifying the negative things in our behavior and taking steps to correct them is crucial!

You can have the marriage or relationship of your dreams and little simple changes in how you communicate with your spouse or partner can make all the difference!

Have Gottman’s Four Horsemen showed up in your relationship?

In this post, we took an in-depth look into the world of John Gottman and his 40+ years of studying couples and relationship patterns.

We looked at the 4 worst things couples can do to each other to damage and destroy the relationship. But more importantly, we looked at some proven solutions for finding solutions when you or your spouse find yourself engaging in these behaviors.

Specifically, we explored John Gottman’s four horsemen and their devastating effects so you can take your relationship to the next level.

Photo credits (that aren’t mine or which require attribution:

couple yelling at each other VicBy: Vic is licensed under CC BY 2.0
Drained of all purpose Leland FranciscoBy: Leland Francisco is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Can Marriage Counseling Help? (Cost, Insurance, Success Rates)

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Middle Class Dad can marriage counseling help couple at sunset holding hands

We’ve all heard of marriage counseling, but we aren’t sure it will work. Back when my marriage was struggling, I wondered can marriage counseling help?

Marriage counseling can help if both spouses are willing to go. Both spouses also need to be 100% honest in therapy, being willing to take ownership of their part in hurting the marriage (it’s almost never 100% the fault of one spouse) and to be willing to change their behavior moving forward.

In this post, we’ll walk through exactly what a good marriage therapist does. We explore how to find one, what it costs and what they do.

You can have a more connected relationship and replace the fear, criticism, anger or apathy with love and warmth.

Most importantly we’ll talk about exactly how it can help you get the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.

Are you and/or your spouse wanting to try marriage counseling?

Has one of you already mentioned divorce or separation?

Perhaps one of you had an affair and you’re not sure if that’s a deal-breaker? Or maybe you’re just wondering if it’s too late for marriage counseling?

Maybe one of you has already moved out or are staying with friends.

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then it’s time for you to take action. After all, your marriage is in danger! 

You didn’t say “I do” with the intent of throwing in the towel shortly into the marriage.  Neither did your spouse.

That’s the Good News! You and your spouse, at least at one time, had the same goals. It’s just time to get back to remembering that.

Personally, I have seen therapists many times over the years, both individually and as a couple.  4 1/2 years ago my wife and I discussed and considered divorce!  I’ve been there. I have seen it.

Believe me; if you are asking yourself any of those questions above, I have asked them too and come out on the other side successful.  And marriage counseling DID help!

Is marriage counseling effective?

Any time we get intentional about our actions, have a clear goal in mind and seek out the help or guidance of an expert we’re almost guaranteed success.

Thus, a couple whose marriage is in trouble that decides to go to counseling is definitely increasing the chances of success significantly.

Marriage counseling will be most effective if:

  1. Both parties want to make the marriage work
  2. You have a good therapist
  3. Both you and your spouse are willing to change your behavior
  4. You and your spouse are equally ready to admit fault in causing the demise of the relationship

While it isn’t always 50/50 in terms of damaging the marriage, it’s very rarely, if ever, all the fault of just one person. It takes 2 to make a marriage and it takes 2 to destroy one.

Wondering if your marriage is headed for divorce court?

Check out my most shared post on marriage & relationships which covers the Top 3 Reasons for Divorce (click to read them all on my site) and what you can do to avoid them.

Middle Class Dad can marriage counseling help couple kissing

What do they do in marriage counseling?

A good marriage counselor simply listens.

And they ensure the partners stop and listen to each other.  They may redirect and they might ask each party to repeat back what they just heard. However, a therapist will rarely take sides or call a behavior out as wrong.

A good therapist will listen more than they talk and will ask questions more than they make statements.  They provide a safe environment for couples to communicate the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So in your marriage counseling be prepared to sit, face your partner, be honest, accept honest feedback, and have the therapist play the role of neutral mediator 3rd party.

What if 1 spouse refuses to go to marriage counseling?

Sadly, this isn’t that uncommon in troubled marriages.

Your approach, however, can make a lot of difference though. For starters, don’t schedule it or pick a therapist without first sitting down together and talking about it.

Many of us guys can get a little defensive and that will only be worse if it’s sprung on us last minute or we feel like our personal business has already been discussed behind our backs.

Ego and stubbornness have prevented a LOT of marriages from being saved, so it’s worth treading lightly here to find a way to make things work.

Make sure to talk about your feelings and avoid blame or trying to guilt your partner into going, They DO, however, need to understand that this is serious and that seeking outside help is necessary.

If they absolutely refuse to go, there’s not much you can do to make them other than making sure they understand that you may choose to end the marriage the situation doesn’t improve.

It’s also worth considering seeking therapy on your own.

It’s not as beneficial for saving a marriage as going with your spouse, but it’s definitely better than doing nothing.

The added benefit of you going to therapy alone is your spouse will see both your commitment and may see positive changes in how you communicate and carry yourself and that could spur them into going with you.

Worst case scenario, seeing a therapist alone would at least help you through the separation process.

What is the success rate of marriage counseling?

According to Health Research Funding, they found that couples who received pre-marital counseling were 30% more likely to have a successful marriage.

But for already married couples, a study by the National Institutes of Health looked at “134 chronically and seriously distressed married couples”.

That study looked at 2 different kinds of couples counseling. First, they studied traditional behavioral couple therapy (TBCT).  Then they looked at integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT).

The results were interesting.

At the 2-year follow up mark, the couples who engaged in the integrative therapy were clearly rating higher on the marital satisfaction gauge.

But at 5 years, those results were almost equal. In the end, about 50% of the couples divorced and 50% stayed married and saw an improved connection with their spouse.

So while naysayers could look at those results and point towards a 50% divorce rate, I take a different approach.

I say that 50% of those distressed marriages were able to be saved by therapy.

If a couple is wondering if it’s too late for marriage counseling and you tell me that by taking this specific action they have a 50% chance of saving that relationship, I’ll take those odds every time.

So yes. The answer to the question “can marriage counseling help” is clearly yes!  And don’t be afraid to get marriage counseling both before and during the marriage.

How much does it cost to go to marriage counseling?

The average cost of marriage counseling is a range between $75-$150 per hour (or more in some cases).  Some therapists may have a sliding scale for those on a tight budget so it doesn’t hurt to ask.

You can typically expect to go once a week and as someone who has done a good bit of therapy over the years, I would suggest planning to go for at least 8-12 weeks.

Also, realize too that the first 1 or 2 sessions will be focused on bringing the therapist up to speed on each of you individually as well as being a couple.

After all, all of us bring baggage from childhood and previous relationships to the table.

All of those play a role in how we interact with our spouse today.  Thus it’s important that your therapist get a good feeling for who you are and what you’ve been through.

Can marriage counseling help? Definitely, but don’t expect a miracle your first session. The true magic of therapy may not even begin until session 3 or later.

Does insurance cover marriage therapy?

In most cases no, it does not.

If you or your spouse have been diagnosed as bipolar or another similar diagnosis it is possible that therapy, in general, would be covered, so talk to your therapist and/or your insurance company to be sure.

One thing is certain! Marriage counseling is cheaper than divorce!

However, if your insurance and/or employer provides for a Cafeteria Plan or some type of Flexible Spending Account (FSA or HRA) you may be able to get reimbursed for what you spend on marriage counseling.

These types of plans either allow you to get reimbursed for qualified (ie: government-approved) expenses or you can set money aside pre-tax out of your paycheck in a saving account and later use that money for one of these qualified expenses.

In most cases expect to pay out of pocket for your therapy and then file a claim.

You can see a complete list of all qualified expenses on the IRS website. Page 13 is where it specifically lists Psychiatric Care, Psychoanalysis, and Psychologists.

How long does marriage counseling usually last?

Most therapists would work with a couple for 1 hour.

Given the emotional nature of marriage counseling, any longer than 1 hour could be counter-productive as couples (or 1 person) become drained, feel defeated or get more agitated.

In terms of how many sessions a couple should go to, that will vary greatly from couple to couple and how bad their problems are.

Also, understand that to really help you, the counselor needs to really get to know each of you and your history as well as see the dynamic between you.

Thus, I would say at a bare minimum, if you’re going once a week, you would want to go for at least 1-2 months. You certainly don’t need to go indefinitely, but in some cases, you may want to go as long as 6 months.

How often should you go to marriage counseling?

Ultimately the answer to this question would depend greatly on how bad things have gotten in your relationship.

In many cases, however, seeing a therapist together once a week for a period of a few months or longer is what works best for most couples.

In some cases each spouse might want to engage in solo therapy also as without a doubt, we all bring issues to the marriage that have nothing to do with our spouse.

My wife I saw a therapist together in Dallas about a decade ago but we also would see her individually sometimes too. Some therapists only want to see individuals or couples and not both, but for us, this really worked well.

We both wanted things to work and we both had nothing to hide.

Therefore it was extremely beneficial for our therapist to really understand some of our childhood issues and baggage from previous relationships as they were no doubt impacting our marriage.

What are the different types of marriage counselors?

As someone not engrossed in the industry, it can be very hard to know the difference between the types of therapists.

You see a long list of letters following their title, but what do they mean?  Why are some listed as Doctor? Does that mean they went to medical school?  Can therapists prescribe medicine?

In short, outside the industry, it can be very confusing so let’s review the most common types, names, and differentiators.

Psychiatrist – A medical doctor who specializes in mental health. Unlike counselors and psychotherapists, they can prescribe drugs if they feel it fits the symptoms.

Psychologist – A therapist who possesses a Ph.D. or PsyD. Thus they will have the title of Doctor, but do not prescribe medication.

Psychotherapist – Sort of a catch-all term as technically both of the above could be described as psychotherapists.

Social Worker – A very broad category of therapists and counselors, but those who practice psychotherapy may have a master’s degree (but have not yet gotten a Ph.D.).

You also see the following letters following the names and titles of many:

  1. LCSWs (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
  2. LICSWs (Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker)
  3. LSWs (Licensed Social Worker)
  4. LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor)
  5. LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor)
  6. LPCC (Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

Also, bear in mind that my generalizations are simplifications and I probably could go into much greater detail. Since I am based in the US, I also realize that the above may not apply to other countries.  See more detailed descriptions at BetterHelp.

In my opinion, having worked with at least 5 therapists over the years, the best results come from those with 10 or more years in the field.

That being said, a big factor is also how the personality of the person fits with you and your spouse.  Don’t be afraid to try a different one if the first therapist you select doesn’t feel quite right.

Does marriage counseling lead to divorce?

The short answer is probably not.

Of course, if one spouse has done something really bad and it only got uncovered in therapy, that could definitely make things worse. But ultimately it wasn’t because of marriage counseling and was just tied to the spouse’s action and dishonesty.

Also, if one (or both) spouse isn’t willing to be honest in therapy, that can severely limit the effectiveness. I recall working with a therapist (by myself) after I had an affair back in 2013 and I walked her through all our marital issues, but never actually mentioned the affair.

I was embarrassed at my own actions and convinced myself that my affair was a symptom of our marriage problems and that if I just focused on fixing those, it would blow over. Of course, that was the WRONG approach.

If you aren’t sure you can Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my article), check out my article on my story coming back from my own infidelity a number of years ago. My marriage is PROOF that you can save a marriage after an affair.

Another factor in whether or not therapy leads to divorce is not getting a good therapist.

Marriage counselors, while having gone through training, are just like any other profession. There will be some great ones, some bad ones, and some mediocre ones.

So it’s important to try and figure out how good they are before you start to see one. Check Yelp reviews and other online review forums. But personally, I only have seen psychologists with a Ph.D.

Compared to other types of titles and training, a Ph.D. simply has a significantly greater amount of experience to bring to the table as they have spent countless hours both getting their degree and working with hundreds of individuals and couples.

Is it too late for marriage counseling?

In short, in my opinion, it’s never too late to save your marriage.

Can marriage counseling help? Absolutely! Relationships ebb and flow.  Life Happens!  Kids and careers happen!

All these things conspire, often slowly and unknowingly to disrupt the connection with our spouse. Over time that disconnect can derail even the strongest marriages.

Marriage counseling is a wonderful tool to help couples remember why they came together in the first place. 

It allows us to really hear our partner and their pain. Then we can begin to recognize our role in that pain, but also what we can do to move forward.

It’s never too late!

Even after the ink is dry on the divorce decree it’s still technically not too late.  All it takes are 2 people who are willing to try. Willing to fight to save their marriage and their family.

If you know your marriage has lost its luster, check out my ways to Rekindle Your Marriage (click to read how I did it). It certainly won’t hurt, and it just might save your marriage!

The 4 worst things you can do to destroy your relationship

Middle Class Dad can marriage counseling help Gottman infographic on the four horsemen

Dr. John Gottman is the author of the incredible book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (click to read my review), he is generally regarded as the foremost expert on marriage and divorce.

For more than 40 years he and his wife and colleagues have studied tens of thousands of couples over many years.

Dr. Gottman can literally predict with 90% accuracy if a couple will stay together or divorce.  If you have mentioned divorce in your house, aside from finding a great therapist, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to get to know Dr. Gottman!

You’ll notice at the top left of the graphic that Dr. Gottman mentioned what he calls the Four Horsemen (of the Apocalypse).

Those are the 4 things couples do that derail the marriage faster than anything else.

Click the link above to read an in-depth post I did that explores those 4 in great detail.  If you are engaged in any of those behaviors (guilt!), now is the time to identify those behaviors and move in a new direction.

It’s not always easy to change our behavior, but EVERYTHING is possible with time, energy, focus, and help!

Final Thoughts

In this post, we took an in-depth look at the world of therapy and marriage counseling.

We explored what marriage counselors do, how much it costs, how successful it is, and answered all the top questions that come with those things.

Top Reasons for Divorce & How You Can Avoid Them

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wedding ring in black and white on a table Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

wedding ring in black and white on a table Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

My wife and I were on the brink of divorce in 2013. Luckily our marriage made it, but I decided to compile what I learned about the top reasons for divorce so you can avoid them.

The top reasons for divorce include basic incompatibility, infidelity, and money problems. Many couples struggle with 1 or more of those at any time. While infidelity and money problems are clearly defined, incompatibility can mean different goals, values, or an addiction issue.

Nothing feels worse than thinking your marriage is over.

Even if your relationship is now terrible or if you are pushing for divorce, it’s still a very painful process. We all experience the loss, the wasted time, and if we have kids, the terrible impact on them.

In this post, we’re examining each and every one of the top reasons for divorce, talking about the causes and how they impact marriages. More importantly, though, we also look at solutions for these reasons so you can get your marriage back on track.

What are the top reasons for divorce?

A recent study by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts shared the top reasons for divorce statistics based on actual survey results.

They found the top reasons for divorce to include:

  1. Basic Incompatibility
  2. Infidelity
  3. Money problems

While those represented the bulk of the top reasons for divorce statistics, the study also found abuse, parenting issues, and substance abuse were also factors.

In my own life, I’m writing this post having been divorced once (20+ years ago).  But I’ve also seen my 2nd marriage struggle with a number of the top reasons for divorce. Struggles that at one time seemed overwhelming.

Thus I’m in a unique position to write about divorce and saving a marriage due to:

  1. My own mistakes that led to my original divorce
  2. My mistakes that almost led to my 2nd one
  3. What my wife and I did collectively to break, save, strengthen and renew our marriage

Is money the number one reason for divorce?

The short answer is probably not.

There is a lot of studies out there on divorce.  While money fights and money problems do rank in the top reasons for divorce statistics, they don’t get the #1 spot in all the studies.

However, in an extensive study done by the National Survey of Families and Households, they did indeed find that disagreements over money were the #1 predictor of divorce.

What are the top 10 reasons for divorce?

Aside from the top reasons for divorce I listed above, the following items fill out the top 10 reasons for divorce:

  • Getting married too quickly and then realizing that compatibility & values don’t align
  • Communications problems
  • Incompatible sex drives
  • Lack of independence
  • Drug and alcohol issues
  • Once the honeymoon phase ends and romance subsides
  • Boredom with our partner

Do those top reasons for divorce have to destroy your marriage?

woman in black and white tearing a red paper heart in halfMiddle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

I would argue no.  All of the top reasons for divorce (and many others) are solvable if both parties are willing to work on them together.

Problems and issues don’t exist in a vacuum (most of the time).  In most cases, it takes two to start a marriage.  Thus it also takes two to break it, end it or fix it.

Of course, if you’re in an abusive relationship, you should get out and seek help.  While it’s possible for the abuser to get help and reform their ways, you want to ensure your own safety while they undertake that process.

What is Incompatibility?

Incompatibility simply means you’ve drifted apart.

Maybe you have different life aspirations that you did before.  Perhaps you each have different ideas about children or where you want to live.  It might also include things like using drugs and alcohol or sexual desires.

One thing I see that’s common is this idea that we can somehow change or fix our partner.

You see it all the time; the spouse who falls for someone but expects them to change once married.  Somehow it seems like a complete mystery to spouse A that spouse B is still the same person they were before the wedding bells.

It’s OK to inspire our partners to live up to their full potential.  But thinking, hoping, or expecting them to change who they are is a fatal flaw.  We have to accept our spouse for exactly who and what they are; the good, the bad and the ugly.  Who they are at their core being doesn’t really change that much.

Thus we should know going into a relationship if this person is really the one.

Marrying someone and then constantly griping at them for being the person they were before you married them just makes everyone miserable.  It’s also terribly unfair.

People will grow and change but it’s very unlikely to work by you trying to force it.  Accept them as they are.  This was a lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way both with my wife but also some of my past relationships.  Thankfully, I finally get it now.

Do having different interests lead to divorce?

No is the short answer.

It’s important to realize that everyone is different. Many of us have different passions from our partners.

In my case, I’m passionate about my wife and kids.  But I’m also passionate about martial arts, cooking, staying healthy, playing music, and this blog.

My wife, on the other hand, is most passionate about helping autistic kids; something she’s very skilled at.  She’s also passionate about our family and fairly neutral (but supportive) on my other passions.

I understand and respect her passions and her mine.

We don’t have to share each other’s passions to respect and support them.  Thus it’s totally OK and healthy to not feel like you are 100% in sync on everything.  You want each partner to have their own dreams and you want to have some shared dreams too.  You support their dreams and they yours.

Time apart is good and makes the time together more special.

That being said, when couples start to do everything apart, the connection diminishes, the spark fades and among other things, infidelity is more likely to happen.  So don’t forget to have regular date nights and some shared passions you do together.

Is infidelity the number one reason for divorce?

woman in dress laying on an empty bed appearing sad Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

It’s certainly one of the most egregious acts one spouse can take.

And it’s not surprising that it’s in the list of top reasons for divorce. I would argue, however, that it doesn’t automatically have to lead to divorce.

Based on the divorce statistics, it’s also not the #1 reason for divorce.

In my relationships, I have been both the cheated on and the cheater.  Thankfully neither has been recent. Thus, I’m in a perfect (however unfortunate) position to see both sides.

First I think it’s important to look at the types of infidelity.  After all, while all forms are terrible, there are some differences.

Tiger Woods is a somewhat recent and famous example of a serial cheater.  He reportedly cheated on his wife with at least 8 different women.  Tiger then cheated on the girlfriend he had following his divorce.

He clearly has a deep-seated fear of commitment and until he gets help will continue to cheat. He has a sexual addiction.

On the other hand, you might have a spouse who has become lonely, isolated and starved for attention, affection, and connection.

Sometimes one spouse becomes so engrossed in trying to figure themselves out they neglect the other in the process.

Perhaps the lonely spouse has tried talking to their spouse and been met with excuses, apathy or indifference.  In this case, the cheater isn’t wanting or looking to cheat, but they could be vulnerable under the right circumstances.

This latter person isn’t just looking for random hookups.

They are looking for what’s missing from their marriage that they desperately want back.  Again, any cheating is deplorable, inexcusable, and unnecessary, but there are differences in cheaters.

If you aren’t sure you can Save a Marriage After Infidelity (click to read my post), check out my recent post on my story coming back from my own infidelity a number of years ago. My marriage is PROOF that you can save a marriage after an affair.

By far, my favorite person for relationship and marriage advice is Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute.

His book, about the 7 Principals for Making Marriage Work (click to check out my review) may literally have saved my marriage!

Back to my examples above of cheaters. In both cases, saving a marriage is possible, but the latter is probably easier to move on from.

In Tiger’s case, he needs therapy and probably needs to change his environment (and thus profession) so he can focus on doing the work he needs to do.  He won’t be a great partner or father until he does that work.

In the latter case, the cheater needs to recognize and take ownership of the damage the affair did.

They need to recognize that how they went about getting their needs met was incredibly damaging to the marriage and to both partners.

The spouse of the cheater also needs to recognize their own role in pushing their spouse away or in not fulfilling their needs.  A clear understanding of what led to the affair is crucial.

But at the end of the day, there’s still no excuse for cheating.

Are money problems a deal-breaker for your marriage?

khaki pants person with a wallet sticking up out of their back pocket Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

Depending on the source, money fights and money problems rank in the very top reasons for divorce.

Disagreements over debt & lifestyle.  Arguments overspending habits and how the spouses communicate about that can all lead to money fights.

Honestly, this one, while one of the top reasons for divorce, is the easiest to fix.

Unlike the other issues, this one is more technical than emotional.  First off if both spouses have different ideas on money, debt, and savings we have to start there.

It’s totally OK for each partner to not agree with the other.  But it’s crucial that both spouses feel heard and respected for their views.

It’s also crucial that the 2 people come to an agreement that both stick to 100%.

If you and your spouse are struggling and sick of living Paycheck to Paycheck (click to read my post), I urge you to take a moment and reviews some simple, but crucial steps to get out of the rat race and start living!

My personal recommendations to avoid money problems are:

  1. Only have joint bank accounts
    • You made a commitment to be together; that doesn’t mean sometimes
    • Joint accounts mean no surprises and full transparency
    • Not sure if joint accounts are best? Check out my post where I explore whether or not couples should have Shared Bank Accounts (click to read my post)
  2. If you do use credit (which I don’t recommend), again only have joint cards
    • No hidden credit cards the other spouse doesn’t know about
  3. Have a set limit that requires the other spouse’s approval on before spending above the limit
    • In our house, we pretty well don’t spend anything we haven’t budgeted for without checking with each other
    • Surprises lead to arguments.  Arguments lead to tension and turmoil.  Turmoil riles our ego. That leads to divorce (and no, I didn’t say that in a Yoda voice)
    • But minimally set a threshold (maybe $100 or $200) that has to be agreed upon by both before being spent
  4. Do a written monthly budget before the start of each month
    • It’s OK if one spouse is more the math/budget nerd than the other, but both should be in agreement on where the dollars are going
    • Give each spouse a set amount of “their” money; basically an allowance
    • The other spouse gets no say in how the other spends their allowance money
    • Every other dollar spent gets agreed upon before it’s spent
  5. Have a Rainy Day Fund to ensure emergencies don’t wreck the marriage
    • An emergency fund is a savings account that is about 3-6 months of your household expenses
    • No one uses the money unless it’s an emergency
    • As Dave Ramsey says, “An emergency fund turns a crisis into an inconvenience”
    • Not sure how to start an emergency fund or why you need one? Take a moment and review my 9 crucial reasons you should have an Emergency Fund (click to read my post on how to start one)

Need help getting started on a monthly budget?

I have a copy of my Budgeting Spreadsheet available at no charge

– a key step in steering you clear of one of the top reasons for divorce!!

This is the very same spreadsheet my wife and I have used for about 7 years.

It’s a simple, highly customizable, Excel spreadsheet and you can download it quickly and easily FOR FREE!

free budget spreadsheet click box Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

The #1 thing you can do to save your relationship!

Communication is the key to avoiding all of the top reasons for divorce.

It really is that simple.  Communicating effectively about money, feelings & issues.  Not letting things build up silently only to explode later.

It’s not always easy to communicate with our spouse.  Often they are the person with whom we are most vulnerable. Thus we do a lot of dumb things out of trying to protect ourselves from possibly getting hurt by them.

Focus on love and trust and commitment and less on being selfish and fearful.  Focus on listening to your partner instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.  Speak the way you want to be spoken to.

Apologize when you mess up.  It really isn’t rocket science, I promise!

Need some help on finding ways to Help Your Relationship Grow (click to read my post)? In my post, I walk you through

What is a good reason to get divorced?

I think if you are in physical or emotional danger from your spouse you should strongly consider divorce.

I say that believing firmly that people reach for divorce all too often.  We’re a society that wants instant gratification.  We want it now and when we don’t get what we want, we look elsewhere quickly rather than trying to fix the problem.

Whether you’re talking about a broken TV or a broken relationship, we are all too quick to toss it aside and get a new one.

But if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you need to consider your own physical and mental well being. It’s possible to get help for any issue, but you can’t put yourself at risk while your spouse goes through that process.

You could, however, consider a separation while they do that work. If they are genuine and willing to work hard to change, it could be possible to save the marriage. But again, don’t put yourself at risk.

How to save a marriage speeding towards divorce

By the time you start living in the top reasons for divorce, tensions are high.

Your marriage is rocky. Beyond that though, ego and pride swell enormously.  I wonder how many marriages could be saved if both parties simply put pride and ego aside and just talked?

I also wonder how many want to reconcile but are afraid to be the first one to extend the olive branch?

Ego, pride, and fear are your enemies in trying to save your marriage.

If you and your spouse have mentioned divorce, now is the time to for humility.

Do you want to be divorced and 6 months down the road filled with regret wondering what if you had simply said: “I’m sorry”?

During tense situations, it’s easy to get our guard up.

It’s easy to let anger fly and arguments escalate.  Sometimes we have to choose between being right and being happy. You can stand on principle, but you may stand alone.

Another common scenario during separation is for one or both spouses to bad-mouth the other to friends and family.

I want you to avoid this.  If for no other reason than how it will affect your willingness to later reconcile.  You see, if you later have to go back to those people and explain that despite all the bad things you said you’re now reconciling, you’ll be hesitant to do so.

You’ll be afraid all those people will judge you or see you as weak.

You taught them to hate your spouse and now you want them to accept them back again.  That puts everyone in an awkward position.

That ego and pride I mentioned might stop you from doing what’s in your heart. If you need counsel or someone to let it all out to, that’s what a good psychotherapist is for.

What are the grounds for divorce?

Legally speaking, in most places, a no-fault divorce will be granted on grounds such as an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage, incompatibility or irreconcilable differences.

Even without those reasons, you can also typically get one after a period of separation. A no-fault divorce means that neither party is responsible for the failure of the marriage.

Of course, there are also reasons where one spouse could be held at fault for destroying the marriage. Those could include:

  • Sexual harassment
  • Infidelity
  • Drug or Alcohol issues
  • Being disabled
  • Abandoning the marriage
  • Physical abuse

If you have tried and tried and just can’t make your marriage work, or if your spouse has done irreparable harm to you or the marriage, it may be time to consider divorce.

When one spouse has moved on

Sometimes when the couple separates, one (or both) immediately enters into another relationship.  In most cases, even if it’s a relationship that had been an affair, the spouse in that relationship really just wants what they had before.

They just want everything to be like it was when the marriage was new; before the drama, strife, criticism, and turmoil.  They just don’t know how to get it back.  But the presence of this third-person will prevent both spouses from being able to reconcile.

The spouse who’s alone will feel resentful of this new relationship.

They will most likely be completely unwilling to engage in counseling as long as the 3rd person is in the picture.

The spouse with the new relationship is afraid to be alone; that’s why they entered a new relationship so quickly in the first place.  That, along with it just felt nice to feel wanted again without negativity.

Thus this spouse may be unwilling to end the new relationship to try and save the marriage.

They fear being left with nothing if saving the marriage doesn’t work. In truth though, to save the marriage, both spouses have to commit 100% or it won’t work.

That means no outside relationships.  But it also means being willing to go to therapy.  It means getting out the pains and frustrations, but ultimately focusing on the good in the marriage; not the negative.

Each spouse has to show the other that there’s a good reason to fix things!

couple at sunset with mountains in the background Middle Class Dad top reasons for divorce statistics

Is it too late to save your marriage?

Think of your emotions as sitting in a well.

The well is finite.  Love gets drained from the well as anger, frustration, and hate get added.  Eventually, you reach a point where the negative emotions outweigh the positive ones.  The good news is the cup is constantly changing.  It doesn’t have to stay full of negativity. You can dump it out and refill it anytime you choose to!

You can fall BACK in love!

Honestly, as long as you and your spouse elicit any emotional response from one another that’s a good sign.  If you didn’t care about each other, you’d both feel nothing.

So feeling anger is good as it means you still feel something.  And that something is something.

Until the ink is dry, it’s never too late to save your marriage.  Even then you can still marry them again or maybe get the divorce thrown out.  It’s never too late as long as both are willing to try.

The top reasons for divorce don’t actually have to end in divorce.

You CAN save your marriage — even if your spouse says that they want a divorce.

Put your pride and ego aside.

Focus on what you truly want.  Say you’re sorry.  Listen to your spouse.  It’s OK to want your spouse to do those same things too. But don’t play the game where you both are too proud or too stubborn to make the first move.

In a stalemate, everyone loses.

What I do know, as so eloquently stated below by famed General Stanley A. McChrystal, is that it takes a lot of energy to hold on to anger & past wrongs.

When you learn to forgive (yourself as well as others), you take your first step towards freedom and happiness.

If you struggle to Let Go of Past Hurts (click to read my post) and have trouble moving forward because of the past, I highly recommend you take a moment and check out my most shared post (on Twitter) on that very topic.

The terrible truth about why you should save your marriage

As I alluded to above, we live in a disposable society.

Our forefathers and mothers lived in an age when you didn’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.  If the TV broke you fixed it.  If you have a breakdown in communication with your wife, you worked on it.

Many of today’s top reasons for divorce didn’t end in divorce 50 years ago.

Today, by comparison, we are all too quick to divorce at the first sign of trouble.

This cut and run attitude is destroying families, breaking children, and ruining our society.  I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad who is divorced (of which I am one).  I’m simply trying to show you there is a better way; either for your current marriage or your next one.

The reasons you should try and save your marriage would certainly include:

  1. Love – You chose to say “I do” to this person once.  There must have been a compelling reason you both chose that; you’ve simply moved other less important things higher on the priority list
  2. History – When you choose to end a marriage you’re saying goodbye to what you’ve built; memories, places, people & things
  3. Lifestyle – A divorce often has a significant effect on the lifestyle of all concerned, including the kids
  4. Children – Not to make any divorced parents feel guilty but we all know divorce impacts our kids the most, and it’s done with them having no part in the disintegration of the marriage nor any say in choosing divorce

Let’s review some more top reasons for divorce statistics and specifically how they impact children:

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Going back to the top reasons for divorce statistics I started this post with, I see the following trends according to DivorceStatistics.Org:

  1. About 7% of the population gets married every year
  2. About 3% of the population gets divorced each year
  3. Thus we’re trending at almost 50% of marriages ending in divorce
  4. The divorce rate is highest among ages 20 to 24 (almost 40%)
  5. The good news is once you reach age 35, the chances of divorce drop to only 6%
  6. The divorce rate is higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages than 1st marriages
  7. A whopping 73% of 3rd marriages end in divorce (clearly we have issues not learning from our mistakes!)
 

So what are my . . .

Top Reasons for Divorce and How You Can Avoid Them?

1. INCOMPATIBILITY

  • Maintain a balance between each spouse having individual interests and shared interests
  • Make sure both spouses fully support each other’s interests
  • Communicate opening, honestly and often
  • Try not to go to bed angry but definitely don’t use sleeping elsewhere as punishment for disagreements

2. INFIDELITY

  • If both spouses want to reconcile, they have to be 100% committed to fixing things
  • The cheater needs to go overboard on providing transparency with everything they do (phone, email, social media, etc)
  • The cheater needs to end all contact with the 3rd person
  • Both spouses need to understand why the affair happened
  • The cheater needs to take ownership of their actions and understand the magnitude of the damage they caused
  • The cheater needs to understand that even if they felt pushed away or unloved by the other, that does not justify an affair
  • Professional therapy will enable a faster & healthier road to recovery
  • The wronged spouse will need to feel heard and be allowed to express their anger and outrage in order to move forward

3. MONEY FIGHTS

  • Communication, transparency, mutual respect, and complete agreement eliminate 99% of all money problems
  • Share views on debt, spending, lifestyle, etc and reach an agreement both spouses agree to follow
  • Shared accounts on bank, credit, and retirement accounts to ensure transparency and “no surprises”
  • Do a monthly budget before the start of each month where together you decide how the money for the month gets spent

Final thoughts

In this post, we took an in-depth look into divorce; a family tragedy that impacts thousands of men, women, and children each and every year.

We looked at divorce statistics, the impact of it on children, and how to renew a marriage that has gone stale.

Specifically, though, we looked at the top reasons for divorce. More importantly, we talked about key steps you can take to avoid it if your marriage isn’t all that it could be.

Photo credits (that aren’t mine or which require attribution:

Divorce by Billie Grace Ward is licensed under CC BY 2.0
why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart? by suez92 is licensed under CC BY 2.0
I hear in my mind; all these voices. (213) by Meg Willis is licensed under CC BY 2.0